I've been having thoughts, maybe good ones, but one things for sure, I'm changing.Â
I second guess myself. I keep quiet when things bother me, like when people say really caustic shit. I tell myself I'm gonna do something and end up doing something really stupid instead like biding my time. For God's sake, I still wonder why the girl I used to love (?) still hates me after all this time. I'm confident enough to say that that's not gonna happen anymore. Fuck feeling bad for myself. Fuck putting others before me all the time. Fuck it all. It's not healthy, nor beneficial in any way.
So, I'm enacting an edict on myself. It's 3:30, and I'm probably not drunk so this is quite possibly the perfect time to be thinking about this. No more changing personalities for every person I meet. I hate being fake, and this whole time, I've been too fake, and not forward enough with anything I ask or say. If I think a girl's pretty, I'll fucking tell her she's pretty. What's the harm? If I don't, it's not like I lose anything anyway. If I think I should run every night, I'll run every night. If I think I should go to the gym, fucking go to the gym. Don't just think or talk about it Do it, you fucking pussy.Â
In a more grounded note, I just have to be more independent. I can't expect things to line up in front of me in a perfect fashion. That leads to taking things for granted, and that's just fucking stupid. I need to take it upon myself to learn things that I don't know instead of expecting people like Phil to teach me. I gotta stop worrying about what other people think of me and just do me. This means working on my singing seriously. This means dedicating myself to Ultimate. This means making a schedule. This means valuing my time.
This spring break is the end of the an era. An era of being a child, a beta. Time to take control of my life and start driving. Goodbye Tumblr. I will no longer have thoughts that I need to put down. Those thoughts will come and go, but instead of ignoring them, I'll be the solution.
Thank you. You've been great.
P.S. In all honesty, I've just realized my heart can't handle much. Thinking of Jasmine is too taxing. She doesn't care, so neither will I. It's not that simple, but if she can ignore me, I can ignore me. I only have enough space to keep a few people in mind. Jeff, Rachel, Phil, Jenny to name a few. I truthfully do not think that I can maintain my composure otherwise. Maybe if I find someone I can pile everything on one day, but today, she's not in my life.
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