My thoughts.

[waterisallineedd]

SO. In my last text post i talked about being in a band and being in a, get ready for it, 3 person relationship. Now i don't even know if there's a legitimate name for that sort of thing, but it would be me dating two people? Both would be guys, and they would be dating each other, and they would be totally fine just being with me. and like the sex would be ya know, like sex. I don't think there would be anything special, and like i always do thing where i either go off into another world, or when i'm about to fall asleep, i think of ways that my life when i'm could be, like alternate universes, if that makes any sense. And like before, i would be in a relationship with two guys. and i never thought about this before, it was only when i read a fic from higherarrowsfic, and it has harry, louis, and george from union j, they meet in a club and harry and louis are already together and basically george joins them? and then they're in a relationship, 

[waterisallineedd]

i just wanna be in a band! like i've been thinking about it for a while, and at first i was gonna be solo but the boys and then i saw a video of this girl i watch on youtube and shes in a band and just UGH I WANNA BE IN ONE it would be so fun id be doing what i love and i could share with other people and hopefully in the future we could actually get somewhere and if we ever go on tour or on stage i wouldnt be alone and it seems so FUN omg just yes thats what i wanna do i wanna be in a mother fucking band. 

[waterisallineedd]

its just so fucking annoying how i had all this shit planned out next year and everything is just getting dragged away from me i was gonna play volleyball and womens and i was gonna be with all my friends and i was gonna stop being so fucking shy AND SHE ACTS LIKE ALL THIS SHIT IS EASY AND I CAN JUST LEAVE LIKE I HAVENT BEEN HERE FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS And when i get mad or cry she screams at me LIKE IM FUCKING SORRY I DONT WANNA MOVE FROM A PLACE THAT HAS EVERYTHING I KNOW TO A PLACE I DONT EVEN KNOW AND THEN she says that i have to share a room with his daughter WHICH I DONT WANNA FUCKING DO and then she tells me that i have to get a smaller bed because the one i have is to big that i have to get a twin AND THATS ANNOYING and just everything is /annoying/ and all daddy does is talk about and I JUST DONT WANNA GO I DONT WANNA FUCKING GO AND I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT and i just hate this, i hate it.

[waterisallineedd]

i had a dream where i got a curling wand and 2 phone cases that mammi got me and i've wanted for a while and i want both things alot in real life lmfao just i just wanted to type this just in case i forget it BYE

[waterisallineedd]

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

[waterisallineedd]

http://archiveofourown.org/works/543083?view_adult=true

IM JUST PUTTING THAT LINK THERE BECAUSE THIS FIC IS SO GOOD AND I DONT WANNA LOSE IT AND I DONT KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT OKAY BYE. 

[waterisallineedd]

SO. I was thinking about sexuality and what not, and i'm straight. No doubt about that. But like, there's times when i could actually see myself with a girl. like in a real relationship. like kissing her and holding hands. Not now like never in high school or anything. I think i would only be able to be in a relationship with a girl like when i'm out of high school. Like i only see my mature and older self doing that. I don't know why i just can't imagine myself with a girl during my high school years. I don't know about like the sexual parts, cos like there's only eating out and fingering, that would be pretty enjoyable. I don't know, that's why it has to be when i'm all grown up. But like the thing is i don't really consider myself bisexual. i guess everybody's a little gay right? *snorts*.

[waterisallineedd]

HAYYYYYY i haven't talked to yall niggas in a minute huh? wow that sounded ghetto, well nothing has really changed all that much. i don't have a boyfriend, i'm in high school all the work i get will be the death of me i am still completely obsessed with the boys yada yada yada i went to see breaking dawn yesterday and it was SO GOOD OMG i'm sad it ended, and when i got home i thought i lost my phone but turns out it got ran over a car! hahahahahah but i'm gonna get the iphone SO YAY idk at times i get pretty sad and i'm not fully happy because insecurites and all that and then i overthink and i get even more sad so i try not to do that and think about how i shouldn't be sad! like there's so many things that i could be happpy about! like the good friends i have the close relationship i have with my mom and dad because alot of people don't have that! and how i get to give my mom a christmas list this year and so many other things, and i'm just glad that i'm not depressed or a hoe or stupid or crazy i'm a good person! i mean everybody has their moments where they can be mean or w.e but i'm human! and i'm alive and no matter how bad things could get or all the phones i could lose or break or whatever else happens, i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and the sun is gonna shine and i'm going to be fine. :)

[waterisallineedd]

right THIS IS NOT COOL BECAUSE NELSON JUST CAME AND I WAS IN THE ROOM NOT MINE AND I LIKE RAN TO MINE AND I LEFT THE TV ON AND OMG AND HE GOT MAD I HERD HIM OMG WOW AND MAMMIS GONNA GET MAD AT ME OMG THIS IS NOT COOL OMG I DIDNT KNOW OMG THIS SHIT ISNT COOL OMG IM NOT FREAKING OUT BUT OMG I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD TURN ON MY TV THO OMG THIS SHIT AINT COOL OMG BECAUSE I DONT WANT HIM TO THINK THAT IM GONNA GO BACK TO THE ROOM OMG DEAR LORD BUT YOU LKNOW THAT ITSNT FAIR BECAUSE LIKE HE BASSICALY DOESNT LIVE HERE ANYMORE OMG SHIT ANINT COOL URGHHHHH WHY COULDNT HE JUST COME AT 12 LAST NIGHT AND NONE OF THIS WOULDENT HAPPENED omg sorry i think caps are nessacary ok omg ihreori sigh im just gonna stay here and listen to glee covers

[waterisallineedd]

you know im such a fucking loser and im so fucking pathetic you know i asked ashley if she wanted to hang out and she couldnt EVERY SINGLE TIME SHES ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING and most of the time shes with her family and i know she is but EVERYBODY is always fucking doing something and im here feeling like such a fucking loser watching glee all day i wanna cry but then i dont wanna because then that makes me feel even more shitty and pathetic and nobody ever puts in effort to hang out with me! do you know how shitty i feel when im sitting in class and literally everybody is talking and im sitting there twiddling my thumbs? and then rose told ashley that the two classes i have with her and that i dont talk and im not offended i know i dont talk to anybody if i did i'd just be making a fool of myself if i did id explain why but w.e i just hate this so much you know i thought i was gonna have such a good time freshman year but i dont think im going to be having any fun at all.

[waterisallineedd]

So i've been watching glee for about 2 almost 3 weeks now? and it's such a good show! i love it, but watching it just makes me so much sure what i wanna do when i grow up, sing. That's it, it's my dream to sing. On a stage, in front of audience. Don't really think that'll happen though, can't forget the gap in my teeth, the fattness, how i don't even think i'm that good at singing and a bunch of other things. There is literally nothing else i want to do, i can't really imagine doing anything but singing. Well nothing i can fall back on.

And i can't even think of something that would be even remotely fun or close to what i actually want to do.   

[waterisallineedd]

So i just finished reading the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green, and let me tell you, that book will make you cry until you can't breath through your nose anymore, your eyes burn, you have a massive headache, and you're just so exhausted because you've been crying so much. Well atleast, that's what happened to me. But never have i cried over a book so much. Ever ever ever. The whole aspect of the book, and the ending and just, i'm remembering the other parts of the book, and i'm remembering hazel not wanting augustus to hold her hand or flirt with her or like her, because she didn't want for the time to come when she dies, and he has to go through the pain, like he did with his last girlfriend. But then he dies, and hazel has to go through the pain of losing the person she fell in love with, when in the begging she just wanted to spare him the pain and just fuck me because just thinking about it is making me cry,  and THE WAY TO BOOK ENDED i just wanna write it down so i can come back and read it. (btw this is from something he wrote to peter and ya)

"What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

I do, augustus.

I do."

and i am sobbing right now and i can't even type with correct punctuation and i feel like i am going to be crying about this book when i go to sleep tonight when i take a shower tomorrow when and when i'm brushing my teeth, 2 weeks from now. and when the book even comes to mind, because this may sound cliche, not true, or stupid, but this book has truly affected me.   

[waterisallineedd]

When i go to hs this year, i want to not care about what people say about me. Like, not let it affect me. I see people talking about their "highschool experiences" and every single one say's "I think i would've had much more fun in high school if i just didn't care about what people said/thought about me" And i don't want that to happen to me. And really what's the point of caring what others say anyways?  because when you leave, none of it really matters anymore, so what others say/think doesn't really matter right now. Of course a little part of me will care, but i'm determined to genuinely not care. 

[waterisallineedd]

So last night i had a dream where i smoked weed and ciggeretes, like it was so weird! because i was smoking it like i've done it before, like i wasn't coughing or choking, it's like i've done it before! and while doing it was like i was in this old house and i was in the corner surrounded by a bunch of clutter. Oh! From the side of my eye i could see a person, and i we were passing the joints and ciggeretes back and forth, it was a boy, i'm sure. But i couldn't see his face, just his shit and jeans and sneakers. I know in my dream i found him cute, but like the whole thing was just me smoking like i smoked everyday. 

[waterisallineedd]

So my birthday was saturday, and if you asked me one word to describe that day, it would be shitty, very shitty. Now why would anyone's birthday be shitty? shouldn't it be joyous and fun while your surrounded with people you love or full of presents and cake and laughter and just good times. Well not for me! Mine contained my aunts dumbass boyfriend attempting to kill himself, sitting on the couch all day, period cramps, and shitty cake. Now i feel like i should go into more detail, i woke up with my aunt and mom saying happy birthday, and i was perfectly fine then because i had no idea how bad of the day i was going to have. Then i watched tv and had lucky charms, not even like eggs and toast or pancakes. Nope just cereal. And my aunt wanted to go get her nails done, so yes i'll go, i wasn't planning to stay inside all day. So i got my nails done and my eyebrows done. We then went back home and had chicken, rice, the usual. No birthday dinner. Then eddie leaves this letter, call it his 'suicide note', if you will. But not really because he said he took 40 pills of something, but he never did. We already had bought the birthday cake, so while my aunt was coming back from eddie and the mess, my mom was setting the table, you know to take the pictures and sing happy birthday and what not. My uncle luis came too, he actually just got out of jail that day too. So we took the pictures of me looking shitty and my mom and aunt looking great for going out to a club, oh! i forgot to tell you, the day before when we arrived at the city, she went this party. Which i had no idea about, and then she went again the day of my birthday around 11. I mean my mom deserves to go out and have fun, she does works half the time. And then came time for the cake, which was probably the worst cake i've ever had. I'd rather have coconut cake then the one i had, and i hate coconut/coconut cake. The cake tasted dry, almost like it was made a week ago, and then filling tasted like whipped cream. I mean i love whipped cream don't get me wrong, but i'm pretty sure you don't use it as a filling in cake. And i love food! So if the food was good it would make me pretty happy, but it wasn't. Not at all. I got posts on my wall from fb, the only ones i genuinely appreciated were from ashley, lauren, and daisy.  So that night i stayed up untill 3 or 4 in the morning which is when my mom and aunt came back actually, drunk. i then went to sleep. The next day i woke up at 9. (early, i know.) went to the living room and ate cereal while listening to my mom and aunt sound like 21 year olds about how much fun they had    

and all the cute men were there. Then my mom dropped the bomb, "we're not going to time square today by the way." Now i don't remember if those were her exact words, but it's close. "what?! why?" i don't remember her response after that, something about money, which is completely understandable, if you don't have it you don't have it. But i don't know couldn't we have still gone? i mean she didn't pay for any of the drinks the last two times she went out so, what? And then she said it's fine because we were going to a bbq at letins, which was really boring, it was literally just us and this mexican lady with 4 kids. I stayed up till 3, and my mom lost her nook, we fell asleep and left the next day. turns out the nook was wrapped in a curtain, it was probably eddie, wouldn't be surprised. My mom actually thought it was luis. 

So as you can see from what you read, the only partly enjoyable thing was getting my nails done and eyebrows. And i tried to appreciate that, i really did. But it's hard too when i know that i could do that any other time i wanted to. I could've done that tomorrow even.  Now there's plenty of other birthday's to come, and i'll have fun in them, and do what i want. But i turned 14! i'm going to high school, and, i just, it didn't have to be the best fucking birthday in the world, just i wish something nice could've happened, insted of it being so shitty. So i guess i'm just really disappointed on how i did absolutely nothing on my birthday. Or more disappointed on how i did nothing/nothing i actually wanted too during the whole fucking weekend.  

[waterisallineedd]

omg i have my period and my stomach is not being fucking nice to me right now and i'm supposed to go to the city tommorrow and saturday's my brithday how am i supposed to be happy when i have my fuCKING PERIOD WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A GIRL DEAR LORD HELP ME THE PAINNNNNNNN

[waterisallineedd]

So i went to the mall with ashley and her sister today. And i was just thinking, i am so fucking ecstatic for when we live together, and i know you're thinking, "why are you so sure that's going to happen?" "how do you even know if your're still going to be friends?" There's no explanation for how i know, i just do. She's been my best friend since 5th grade. Were going to highschool this year, and i know i'll have her by my side this year, she always has been but this year it's going to be literally, lmfao. But uhm, yeah i'm just really happy she's my best friend.