Sorry for no drabble yesterday… so here’s one that’s over 3,000 words!
Nick had been quiet since beginning to take his medicine.
Okay, he had been quiet since he collapsed and everything fell apart, but now it was worse. He didn’t come to them when his stomach was hurting, he didn’t make comments about the food they made, he didn’t protest over what was on his plate, and he didn’t react above the bare minimum when he was spoken to.
Blaine understood, more than Nick would have believed. He never talked about how bad he had been at points in his life with any of the kids… really, he hadn’t needed to.
It was important to do it now. To let Nick know that someone close to him had been on the medicine, that it was horrible at first but eventually it made a positive impact in his overall well being.
He walked upstairs to Nick’s room, looking in the doorway. Nick was sitting on his bed, still in his pajamas from last night, and staring down at his phone with a lost expression.
“Nick?” Blaine asked softly.
Nick jumped and locked his phone, looking up. When he realized that it was Blaine, he relaxed a bit and then looked back down.
“Okay.” Nick did not look up.
Blaine came in, sitting on the edge of the bed next to his son. “Zach, Sarah, and the baby are coming.”
“Cool.” Nick bit his lip, an unreadable expression on his face.
“You should come out when they get here. You’ve not seen Ellie yet… she’ll be six months soon.” Blaine said gently, watching him.
“Why?” Blaine’s tone didn’t change.
“Because I’m a horrible excuse for a brother and uncle.” Nick sighed.
“You are not.” Blaine reached up, brushing back some of Nick’s hair. His heart sunk when Nick scooted back as if he was about to be hit, but he continued speaking as though nothing had happened. It was better for both that way. “Zach and Sarah understand…”
Nick got off the bed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“I know part of what you’re going through.”
“How would you know that?” Nick scoffed.
“Because when I was sixteen, I almost… took a whole bottle of Tylenol… a bottle of 80 of them.” Blaine looked down.
“What?” Nick sat back down on the bed, eyes wide.
“My parents were…horrible. They sent me to conversion camp for five summers. They isolated me from everything during summer.” Blaine began. “And after the day I had come out when I was eleven, my dad would tell me I should been have drowned when they had me… and stuff like that.”
“There’s nothing basic to it, but basically after I wanted to take the bottle… I permanently moved in with David but I stayed with Wes and his family a lot too. David’s dad spent like three hours talking me down the night I almost did it. The next morning, I met with a counselor and she put me on medicine for anxiety and depression as well as sleeping medicine because the anxiety medicine made me very jittery.”
Nick blinked, still watching him. His father had been on depression medicine? And anxiety medicine? He always seemed so happy, though.
“I just mean to explain that… I know what it’s like to want to give up or to not care what happens to you after being stepped on so many times.”
Tears filled Nick’s eyes—Blaine’s words hit him hard. Despite the different experiences the two had gone through, everything… made so much sense.
“I am so terrified that this happened to you because of me.” Blaine took a deep breath, pulling his knees to his chest. “I… I always let stuff go too far and I… I was really hoping I wouldn’t ruin you kids with my emotional issues… I’m not as strong as you are, Nicky. And when you were so afraid to come out at first…”
Nick watched him, holding his breath.
“The things you said and your body language when you would talk about it… I saw myself when I was sixteen and seventeen… and I was afraid that you would end up like me… and you did, just in a different way.” Blaine frowned. “I’m so sorry, Nick.”
“This isn’t your fault.” Nick looked at Blaine like he was insane. “I… uhm…”
Blaine watched him, confused.
“It all started because Coach wanted me to lose ten pounds.” Nick’s hands began to shake. “And I cut back on calories and I lost the weight and then… the guy I was roommates with, we… got together. It was okay until it wasn’t. And he would make comments about my weight and I cut back more and it’d get better and… eventually I had cut too many calories and then I’d skip meals and…” Nick covered his face.
“I am so sorry.” Blaine whispered.
“I knew what I was doing. That’s why I didn’t text or call… I was ashamed. And I missed seeing the baby and I felt disgusted with myself and then I was too ashamed to come on Thanksgiving because I had lost so much weight a-and Christmas, Daddy made me feel so guilty for not coming both times, and I just… I pushed everyone away.”
“I am so sorry.” Blaine repeated, eyes teary.
“It’s not your fault is what I’m trying to say. I-I did it to myself. I should have quit at the ten pounds. I shouldn’t have gotten with the guy but in the beginning, he was so nice and I felt so understood and loved and then it turned really bad really fast.” Nick began to cry. “But it’s not your fault. It’s mine, Daddy.”
There was the ‘Daddy’ again. Blaine was only ‘Daddy’ to either of the twins if they were really upset or something really bad had happened. Being called Daddy by them wrenched his stomach in ways he never knew was possible before he had kids.
“I wasn’t ready. I wanted it so b-bad and I fucked it up. I feel like a part of me is gone. Not just soccer, though. Or even the anorexia and the hunger… Before the pills, I could feel pain and disgust at myself and I could feel hunger.” Nick rook a deep breath, rubbing his eyes again. “Now I feel hollow… like I’m muted. My body still works but I’m not really there.”
“I can understand that.” Blaine sniffled. “I felt like that at first.”
“It’s like I’m gray.” Nick wiped tears from his face. “It’s like I’m gray and all I can see is gray around me.”
Blaine reached up again, much slower this time. He cupped Nick’s cheek in his hand and made eye contact. “It takes some time to adjust. It took me three months to feel somewhat normal again… and if you skip it and then start again, it makes it worse… but I felt gray too.”
Nick let out a strangled wail, bending over and burying his face in his mattress. “I don’t want to take it, Daddy. I want to b-be happy again. I want to feel normal.”
“I know it’s not what you want to hear but the medicine will help you cope.” Blaine bent down, arms going around him in a hug. “It’s so hard but it gets better. It takes about a month for your brain to register and it gets a little easier until you feel some semblance of normal. It will happen for you, Nicky. I know it will. You are so much stronger than I am. I know you can fight this and in a year or two, probably two, this will be behind you.”
“H-H-How long did you take them?” Nick hiccupped, not raising up.
“Almost two years… I was still on them when I met Kurt.” Blaine admitted. “I was on a lower dosage to ween off it, but it was one year and eleven months before I was off it completely. The transition but it was much easier than getting on them.”
“W-What happens then? When you go off?”
“When I started taking the medicine I lost a lot of weight.” Blaine admitted. “I wasn’t sure if I was losing baby fat or what, but after I went off the medicine half of it came back. My appetite changed too.”
“The important thing is that the medicine helped me be me again. That is what matters. That it helps you and when you are where you want to be, you ween yourself off. I was ashamed to have to take it but… without it, I would not have met Kurt… at least, not in the way I did. Who knows if we would have even gotten to know each other if I was like a shell of myself? I wouldn’t have made it to Harvard because I had no confidence what so ever. Who knows what you could miss out on if you don’t let it help you? Nick, you are a beautiful and lovable person. In my heart, I know that after this you will be truly happy. You can have anything in the world that you want, Nicky. Kurt and I want that for you—we all want that for you.”
“It’s so hard to even breathe. I feel like I’m constantly fighting to catch my breath.” Nick wiped his eyes, finally pushing himself into a sitting position.
“I know.” Blaine looked him in the eyes. “I know, but it gets better.”
“Do you promise?” Nick looked at him pitifully.
“I promise.” Blaine leaned over, kissing the top of his head. “Come on downstairs with me. We’ll find something funny on TV until Zach gest here. Okay?”
Blaine stood, holding out his hand. “Come on.”
Nick took his hand and crawled out of bed.
“We’re going to get you through this. I promise you. You are going to get through this.”
Nick nodded, sniffling. “Thank you, Dad.”
“You’re welcome.” Blaine kissed the top of his head again and led him downstairs.
“Nick!” Sarah ran to him, throwing her arms around them. “Oh, Nick! I didn’t think you’d be downstairs! I’m so happy to see you!”
“Hey.” Nick hugged her back—nowhere near as tight as his hugs usually were.
Zach passed Sarah the baby and hugged Nick tightly—any other time he’d visited, Nick hadn’t said a word.
“I-I’m sorry.” Nick choked out.
“No. No, don’t.” Zach pulled back, shaking his head. “Please don’t. I… I understand. I’m not upset that you wouldn’t talk before, okay? I just want you to focus on getting better.”
Nick pulled Zach in for another hug, his shoulders starting to shake.
“It’s—It’s okay, I promise. Here, I uh… I have someone I’d like you to officially meet.” Zach pulled back.
“No, I might drop her.” Nick shook his head before wiping his eyes. “Sometimes I get shaky.”
Sarah came up to him. “Sit down with me on the big chair.”
“I really don’t…” Nick’s eyes were wide.
Zach edged him towards the chair that was big enough for both Sarah and Nick to sit close together—the two had sat in it many times before they’d all gone off to college. Nick and Sarah had been good friends for years before she got together with Zach.
Nick sat down, chest pounding. Sarah sat next to him.
“She’s not very heavy but she squirms a lot.” Zach said as Sarah re-positioned baby Ellie to pass her off to Nick.
“Oh, God.” Nick took a deep breath when Ellie looked at him. “I can’t.”
“Here.” Zach took Ellie from Sarah and placed her on Nick’s lap. “Put your hands on her sides, like that. If you help her, she can stand.”
“She can stand?” Nick asked, watching Zach grab her chubby fists and pull her up.
“She started yesterday!” Sarah clapped when Ellie was standing up straight—as straight as a baby could while someone was holding their hands above their head at least.
“Oh, wow.” Nick stared, feeling like his stomach was turning itself upside down.
He had missed so much… his baby niece was standing up and he’d never even gotten to hold her before.
Zach let go of her hands and she fell against Nick’s chest, letting out the most precious laugh Nick had ever heard.
“Oh my God.” Tears welled in Nick’s eyes as Ellie sat up without help.
“Ba ba ba ba ba.” Ellie cooed, touching his chin.
“You’re so pretty.” Nick cried as Kurt walked up. “And so big. I-I’m sorry we haven’t met yet.”
Ellie grinned when Kurt tickled her little cheek.
“I have to get better… I c-can’t miss this stuff anymore.” Nick sniffled.
“We brought the papers for you to sign.” Sarah leaned over, resting her head on Nick’s shoulder.
“For you to be her godfather. Remember?” She patted his leg.
“Still?” Nick echoed. “After…?”
“We wouldn’t want anyone else to take care of her if something happens. We asked you the day we told everyone it was a girl… It was never not going to be you.” Zach said.
“Plus… you’ve got to get healthy. She’s counting on you.” Kurt ruffled Nick’s hair.
“Nobody would be more perfect to raise her than you.” Sarah added. “We want you to see her more. We’ve always talked about you even if she hasn’t met you. We show her pictures of you.”
Nick sniffled again and helped Ellie stand again. “It’s very nice to meet you, Ellie. I’m your uncle Nick.”
Zach grinned. “I knew once he held her, he’d be obsessed.”
“Nobody doubted it.” Blaine laughed, coming into the room.
“What else can she do?” Nick asked Sarah eagerly.
“Join me.” Sarah got on the floor.
“Can she walk?” Nick sat on the floor, sitting Ellie up in the middle of them.
“No. It’ll be a few months. She really can’t stand on her own either. You have to support her weight.” Sarah smiled. She leaned over, laying Ellie down. “But we’ve worked on a few tricks.”
Nick gasped when Ellie sat up on her own without something to hold on to—it took a bit, but she got there.
“She sticks everything in her mouth.” Zach said, sitting next to Nick. “It’s horrible. Lint, pennies…”
“Zach, you can’t leave change lying around!” Kurt gasped.
“We don’t! We don’t even use cash. I don’t know where she gets it!” Zach protested and then turned to Nick again. “She bangs and shakes everything, too. She’s got this little ball at home with a penguin in it. She’ll drop it and pick it up for an hour if you let her.”
“Oh, she can have something in her left hand and take it with her right hand.” Sarah added. “I think she’s left handed like Zach.”
“She could be ambidextrous.” Kurt suggested. “The last time I had her, she was picking up stuff with her right hand.”
“She tries to wave with her right hand too.” Zach told him.
“What’s her full name?” Nick asked. “Does she have three last names?”
“Eleanor Nichole Anderson-Hummel.” Sarah smiled.
“It’s with an ‘h’… like Nicholas.” Zach said.
“You brought us together. And you literally saved my life. I… I wanted to, Nick. I love you.” Sarah smiled more.
“I don’t want to cry again. I’ve cried all day.” Nick whimpered.
“Don’t cry… just take care of yourself. You’re very loved, Nick. You’re very needed.” Sarah bit her lip. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”
“He’ll get there.” Blaine said confidently.
“Of course he will.” Kurt smiled. “But honey, you look really tired.”
“It’s been a very emotional day.” Nick admitted.
“We’re here until Monday morning.” Zach said. “She’ll be here tomorrow… and Sarah and I too, but it’s the baby everyone really wants to see.”
Nick bent, kissing the top of Ellie’s head.
“Here, honey. I’ll go upstairs with you.” Kurt stepped back, making room for Nick to stand and break away.
“Thank you both… seriously.” Nick looked between Zach and Sarah. “For understanding and not being mad.”
Kurt put his hand on Nick’s back, walking behind him. Usually Nick was fine but it was a lot of stairs and he’d fallen down half the flight at least twice since coming home from school. His body hadn’t healed as much as David (or any of them, for that matter) would have liked.
“Sophie coming home tonight?” Nick asked, making his way into his bedroom and over to his bed.
“Yeah.” Kurt smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed. “You and Blaine talked?”
“I didn’t know it was so bad for him.” Nick admitted, getting under his covers. He used to hate sleeping with blankets before but now he froze if he didn’t. “It makes sense why he’d never let us go see them…”
“Yeah… It just is what it is, I guess.” Kurt nodded. “We’re all better off.”
Nick nodded, laying his head against his pillow.
“I’m so proud of you for talking about stuff today… I’m proud of you every day, but… today was big.” Kurt brushed his bangs back.
“Thanks.” Nick forced a smile.
“She stays in here every night, doesn’t she?” Kurt asked, seeing Sophie’s pillowcase on the unoccupied side of the bed.
“Yeah. I don’t know why, but it’s nice to have someone here.” Nick nodded and bit his lip.
“Because she loves you and she’s worried.” Kurt bent down, kissing his forehead. “Try to get some sleep, okay? We’ll be quiet. Plus, you’ve got to—.”
“Get up early for group therapy.” Nick finished. “I know.”
Kurt sighed a bit, looking at him.
“What?” Nick asked, looking confused.
“Nothing.” Kurt smiled and stood. “Goodnight, love.”
“Love you, Daddy.” Nick pulled his covers up under his chin and had fallen asleep before Kurt had made it to the door.
“Is he in bed?” Sophie asked as she got upstairs.
“Yeah. Just now.” Kurt nodded, leaving the door open a small crack. “He may be asleep by now.”
“That’s okay. Good night, Daddy. Love you.” Sophie kissed Kurt’s cheek.
“I love you too, sweetie.” Kurt hugged her. “Get me if you or he need anything.”
“I will.” Sophie said, disappearing into Nick’s bedroom and closing the door behind her.
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