obscured catharsis @weamercury - Tumblr Blog

i feel like i've always been everyone's back-up plan. and it's definitely not nice.

i'm anxious about working in hospital, help. what should i do?

no matter

no matter how noble your job is, no matter how important your role in community is, no matter how you've already accepted that it'll become until-you-die-job, no matter how people trust you, no matter how good you grades were, no matter how you actually enjoy your job, when i look back... it was not what i wanted. like grief of losing someone significant in your life, it haunts you... it never really disappears. sometimes it is calm and you can do your job properly, even gracefully. but there are days when fathomless, inscrutable self-doubt would hit you.

was the diagnosis right? was the prescription right? was the medicine right? was the dosage right? was it really allowed for pregnant mom to take the medicine? was it really allowed for children under 1 year old to take the medicine? was it right to refer the patient to hospital? tho i did check and browse even seek for advice for the right treatment when i'm in doubt. i guess to admit that i'm actually incompetent has prompted the desire to learn more and more, since what i'm doing is a long-life learning anyway. not to mention it is correlated with other people's life. to admit that i don't know and willing to learn the right way is better than keep silent and wrongfully giving treatment.

but of course there are days when i want to quit and start mulling over why am i in this line of job? why did i let myself coaxed to choose this line of job? after all these years acceptance is still the biggest homework i guess, it is part of the long-life learning. but really, it is tiring.

#ramblings