So where do i begin @weareallawreckkk - Tumblr Blog

I hate how my brain works. Spent all weekend worrying about what people will think of me when I go back to work since they're all being vaccinated this week and I'm choosing not to.

I have my reasons and I've read all the guidelines and spoke to professionals but it still doesn't stop my brain being super paranoid

😩😩

amargedom

“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”

—

a-hologramgalaxy

catchymemes

sakura-haruka

#my heart

somanyfandomssolittletime

#the trilogy should have been about them#really someone should have checked with me#a stormtrooper uprising led by finn#a nobody from nowhere proving jedi will continue to be born rwgardless of politics#and the crowned son of the rebellion learning to take over power#see i solved your trilogy#they get married in the end#because poe has a last name to give and rey and finn are in need of one

It's been years since I've been on here never mind posted. I just needed somewhere to get all the shit out of my head.

Don't even know where to start. This year has been the most mentally draining for me and we're only 24 days in. I have so much going on in my head and I don't even know how to deal with it.

I've never felt so loved yet so alone. Some days I'm bitter about my wedding and other days I don't care. I missed out on 90% of it. We paid it all. We don't know what will happen with our money or when we'll get the rest of our wedding. I have so much stuff I made and bought that is just sat wasted. I didn't get anyone there that I wanted. My wedding day was the best and happiest 2 hours I'd had in a long time. We missed lockdown by 5 days and I'm extremely grateful for that. I bought everyone there gifts. I didn't get a thank you off certain people. The same people that sat there being miserable all afternoon and didn't speak to me at all. The same people that sat at my wedding meal ignoring us. Talking about their wedding and going into detail of how amazing it'll be at my wedding meal. Then getting offended when we spoke about my party and lockdown and covid and timings. It still bugs me 3 months on. Knowing everything we do is second best. Everything I do will never be good enough. I let it bother me for 6 years. I took everything they said in and hated myself for it. I started fighting back then got made out to ve the bad guy. I was made to feel so small and rude for sticking up for myself and doing what was best for me. I hate being in a constant competition where nothing I or we do is good enough. Where you're judged for everything. I'm sick of people thinking that they're amazing and looking at us like we're nothing. It makes me so angry knowing that I'm second best to someone that is so rude and that my children will have to grow up around that.

I miss my family and my friends. I have weekly covid tests at work. I've worked pretty much every day this year I was meant to but its not the same. Having to pretend that everything's fine around people you're closest with and being mentally strong to work with kids that just aren't coping and are so mentally vulnerable. I dont leave the house other than to work. My best friend at work has covid and I haven't seen her for weeks. I've never been scared about covid but this whole lockdown is just getting to me so much more than the rest. I have nothing to look forward to or think about anymore to motivate me. I've never been so scared that the next time I see or hear my parents could be the last.

My house is either spotless or a mess because I don't have the energy to do anything but lay on my bed half the time. He's working from home now so he's always there.

I've never been so determined to lose weight and actually be able to lose weight as I have these past few weeks. But I still hate myself. I hate how everything looks and feels. I hate things about me more.

I came off the pill in October after 10 years. I wasn't prepared for how it would affect me. Physically but more mentally. I havent struggled this much for years. I've never felt so disgusted in my body. I've never looked at my face and seen how hormones affect me more and how horrible that can be. I've never experienced pains like I have. I've never cried so much because I'm angry or annoyed. I've never felt so irritable yet wanted to do nothing. I've never thought that trying to get something out of my system and trying for a baby would be so hard. I didn't think seeing other people's announcements would leave me so heartbroken. I never thought I'd become obsessed with counting and tracking every single month knowing nothing is changing. I've never felt so paranoid that my body won't be able to do something that I so desperately want. I've never been so ashamed of myself for thinking that in 4 months everything would just happen so quickly and how I wanted it to. I've never been so scared at the thought of actually having a child and being mentally and physically ready. I've never cried so much to my husband and him trying to tell me it's fine. When he knows he can't help or change how I feel.

I've never felt so ashamed of my feelings and not being able to control them.

atraversso

thepersonalquotes

Michael came in at half 1 this morning slightly drunk and noticed the cake I'd bought him for today. His instant reply was 'I knew there was a reason I asked you to marry me' 😂😂