Journal entry 10/7/25 6:44am
(￣o￣) zzZZzzZZ
I’ll spare you the details but basically I’m in the trenches of my brain atm
There’s evil parasites in my brain that feed off all the good parts and convince me I’m the worst person to ever live or be conceptualized in every possible timeline and reality
Speaking of reality, I’ve been trying my best
Uh pause well I’d like to think I’m doing my best but really I just let the thought pass and keep wallowing
But I’ve been trying to separate my thoughts from reality
But then uhhhhh well I remember I have really bad eyesight both physically and metaphorically, my judgement is flawed and faulty so who am I to decide what the reality is ???
Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, and logically obviously I’m wrong but feelings are feelings and they demand to be felt and that’s a reality I can’t escape from no matter how hard I try
And really however I feel doesn’t matter, at least that’s the best way I can explain it in simple terms because I can never find the right words to get it all out
And it’s not that it doesn’t matter because I think I don’t matter, even though honestly I do sometimes, it’s just because it’s all just another thing passing me by as time keeps moving with or without me present
So I must find acceptance either way, or else it’ll never change and I need to change because if I don’t I can’t see myself making it and at the end of the day despite everything I do want to make it
I have decided my phone is evil the internet is evil social media is evil and therefore it makes my brain evil and I need space and reflection and to not be so perceived by the world because I do enough perceiving of myself for all the strangers looking in combined and then like a million times more
I will journal I will move my body I will cherish the good things in my life and do my best to never forget them or let them pass me by
I will sleep I will eat I will take my medicine I will lower my screen time I will draw I will read I will go to therapy
I will keep trying I promise
I wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares that are nonsensical and abstract but the overall feeling is still there and understood, and I’m so resentful that even in sleep my subconscious is fighting an unrelenting never ending war
I take my medicine I drink my water, I do what I can do make it better,
Realistically will it ever get better? I mean I guess that’s a silly question and I know the answer. Because yes it’ll get better, of course it will, I just started smiling because I’m so dramatic sometimes and this is hardly the worst I’ve ever felt, it doesn’t even come close,
And one step forward is better than going backwards or remaining still
And about the sleep thing too, because it’s 6:44am and I couldn’t fall asleep until past 2am yet again
My mind is constantly go go go go go it’s never quiet I never get a break, not even when I sleep, my dreams whether good or bad are so vivid and I wake up remembering 80% of them every day
So most of the time I wake up feeling exhausted, I can’t fall asleep and then I can’t wake up, and then I can’t get out of bed, and then I’m late for work and taking $30 “stress relief” pills from CVS on the way that don’t even work but I’m so desperate for relief I’ll do anything
Well I guess not anything. For the majority of my conscious life it’s been anything, but now I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t do coke, I don’t alter my mind in any way that isn’t prescribed to me by my psychiatrist
Another step forward I suppose
My whole point is that I’m tired
Like really tired, down to my bones that ache and my heart that beats too fast then too slow
I just wanna rest
I’ve been depressed, I’ve been hopeless, ive been anxious, I’ve been resentful, mostly towards myself, but right now in this moment, 6:50am now, I feel tired and my eyes hurt from the phone screen light but honestly I’m fine, at least comparatively speaking because again, I’ve felt so much worse
And again, I’m so dramatic that it’s genuinely really funny to me
Cuz thankfully I am funny and I know I am
It’s maybe my fav thing about myself
