Today I’m eating this slice of ‘za, and a bottle of Grigio. Still recovering from covid, I’ve got 3 days left before I get to leave quarantine. I wish it didn’t have to come so soon tbh. Just been sleeping like 12-14 hours a day lately due to the overwhelming fatigue/exhaustion, but I have so much more I need to get done (I just moved, lots of stuff at home to unpack and get sorted out). I have fallen so far behind at work that I don’t even want to think about it. I’ve been working from home, but have had horrible brain fog. This virus is just making me so fucking tired. But I’m getting better.
A few days ago (4 days after testing positive) I was working (from home) at like 9pm and realized I couldn’t breathe right. Told myself it would be better in the morning, and finally managed to fall asleep around 3am and get a couple hours rest. It was worse when I woke up. It felt like my lungs were being constricted and squeezed, or like I was breathing through a tiny straw. My lungs ached for air and alarm bells were going off in my head like “NEED AIR NOW” but no matter how hard or how deeply I tried to breathe, it didn’t help. I was completely panicking; I was crying uncontrollably. I needed air so bad. I called the doctor 4 times lol. I told them I thought the anxiety that not being able to breathe was causing was making it worse (my blood-oxygen level wasn’t at dangerous levels), but they said they couldn’t help with that (it was my primary care doctor). They prescribed a Z-pack and an inhaler to help open my lungs and tried to get me to go to the ER, then eventually just made me promise to go if it doesn’t get better (all the hospitals here have been beyond full for a while due to covid, the ER is fucking packed. Their oxygen supply is running out and I doubt they would be able to help right now, other than just give me a massive bill). My boyfriend brought me some of his lorazapam, thank God. It helped, and I could get some sleep... I was running on a total of like 5 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. I just had so much work to do, and the covid/fever brain fog was making me work so much slower, so I barely had time to sleep and then the anxiety from not being able to breathe was keeping me from sleeping the few hours that I could.
But right now, after a few days of rest, I can breathe. And holy shit, I am so fucking thankful. I don’t have a fever, either. I still can’t smell or taste, but I know that’ll come back soon.
When my boyfriend brought me lorazapam while I was panicking, and I took it and was started to feel better, he started talking about how he was horny. He didn’t push me (I was so sick lol) but I felt a bit bad that he’s been having to take care of me like this, so we got into it a bit. He was giving me a massage, and I was laying on my stomach, naked. He told me to roll over and I just... couldn’t. I’m so fucking fat, y’all. I can’t let him see how bad it is. I put a shirt on and told him I was just more comfortable like that, and he tried to reassure me that he still thinks I’m sexy. It’s so embarrassing. That I can’t even let him see me.
I guess like they say: new year, new me. I just need to be skinny again. Need to feel like myself again. Need to give a shit about myself again. I remember when I used to be under 100 lbs... I almost never ate anything and everyone made comments about me, but I felt good about it. I’m 156.2, so first I’ll just buckle down and lose 36.2 and I’m sure I’ll feel better then, and be able to wear some of my old clothes that I’ve gotten too big for!
Wish me luck, today and tomorrow and the next one will be great, I swear it.
