SECOND CITADEL – THE HALLOWED HALLS OF HELICOID (PART TWO)
SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.
CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra.
SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.
Take your seat, please, take your seat.
SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.
MUSIC: STARTS.
The junction lies ahead, so if you’ll allow me just a moment.
SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.
We are now approaching Fort Terminus.
SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES.
Our next stop?
The Hallowed Halls of Helicoid.
SOUND: DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.
ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.
***
BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (FADING IN) Nothing over here, your Horror! Nor here, your Circuitousness! Most horrible Judge Helicoid, I’ve found the hu– ah, nevermind. That’s another bit of rug!
TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) He’s not leaving! Come on, Talfryn, you have to do something, think! (DEEP BREATH) Okay. Okay, okay. Uh, what would Sir Marc say? Uh… “C’mon, Tal, you’re afraid of one measly little house-sized snail? I could slay it with Dampierre’s eyes closed!”
Ohhhh, that’s not helping!
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (YELLS)
TALFRYN: Oh no!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Sir Damien!
Release him from your bubbling grasp, slime-beast! If you’ve harmed my greatest friend and rival, I swear—
JUDGE (MUFFLED): I’m not doing anything. Now, tell him to stop bellyaching, would you? He’s horribly close to my ear.
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (LAUGHS) The tapestries! Saint Damien above, I’ve made sense of them! Ha-HA! At last, the world’s returned to order!
JUDGE (MUFFLED): Your priorities are astonishing, human.
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): You are a false prophet, snail! These tapestries show Sage Helicoid clearly, and he is a human! A very old man with a ceremonial helmet and a long, flowing cloak, carrying a spiral shield.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Hm. Where is that? I don’t see it.
TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Oh, it’s okay; Sir Damien’s okay. But I have to get out of here.
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s… it’s right there, Sir Angelo, how can you not?
JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) That? Looks more like a snail to me.
TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Sir Marc would tell me to look at everything available to me.
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s an old man!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) I could see it either way, to be honest.
TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) So, I’ve got—
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) What?!
JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Well—
TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) …my spear. And my armor is out there, and…
JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —the snail’s foot is like a robe, you see.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) Oh, I like that!
TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) —my pack, probably surrounded by little slimy things by now.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) And the ceremonial helm’s horns are his eye stalks! Very thick ones…
TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) (GROANS)
JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Mm, it takes all kinds, man, it takes all kinds.
TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) I’m so thirsty, I wish I didn’t leave my backflask…
BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! I’ve found him!
TALFRYN: (GASPS)
JUDGE (MUFFLED): > You are pointing at me, Bailiff.
BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Is… is that not who we were lookin’ for, your Circuitousness?
JUDGE (MUFFLED): (GROWLS) The human! The human. Go and find him!
TALFRYN: Okay. I’ve got… this wall! And… these pipes in the wall. And… beyond those, some thick glass-like stuff leading to… water.
We’re underwater. We’re under the Terminus, aren’t we? Oh no, oh no…!
SOUND: HEAVY SCRAPING.
BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! This time I’ve found him!
JUDGE (MUFFLED): Bailiff, that is not a human! It is a wall! Don’t call me until you have found a human, because I am very busy! (GRUMBLES) It’s clearly a snail!
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): The tapestries show an old man!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): I agree with you on that point, Sir Damien. They show—
BAILIFF (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) I’ll just check on my own, then.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —both a snail and a man! It is one of those optical delusions.
SOUND: GRUNTS, SCRAPING.
JUDGE (MUFFLED): Illusions.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Thank you! It’s one of those illusions delusions.
TALFRYN: Spear, gotta get my spear, gotta get my—
BAILIFF: Bailiffs! Bailiffs! This wall is talking!
TALFRYN: Oh no!
BAILIFF: And now it’s saying “oh no!” And— (GASPS) The human!
TAL: (YELLS)
SOUND: SQUELCH.
BAILIFF: And now it’s got a pointy stick goes right through my belly.
SOUND: RUSTLING.
TALFRYN: Give my spear back!
BAILIFF: No! You give it to me!
SOUND: GRUNTS.
BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (OVERLAPPING) What’s that? A human? Disgusting! Ooh, that looks fun! Beat him, Bailiff! Beat him!
JUDGE (DISTANT): Hmmm? What’s that, now?
BAILIFF: I said let go! (GRUNTS)
TALFRYN: No! You let go! (GRUNTS)
SOUND: BREAKING GLASS. BUBBLING WATER.
BAILIFF: Now look what you did! Your silly stick’s stuck a hole in the… wall.
Uh-oh.
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
BAILIFFS: (OVERLAPPING, OVER THE BELOW) What’s that? Oh no! I don’t know how to swim! (YELLS)
JUDGE: (OVER THE ABOVE) Bailiffs! I say, my bailiffs are being washed away!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): You’ve flushed them, Talfryn! Genius! The door is clear, now; you can run back up to the surface and get the salt!
TALFRYN: (PANTING) Okay. Now I just have to… take care of the big one. And—
ANGELO (MUFFLED): And then you slay this evil snail!
TALFRYN: Yeah. That. (GULPS)
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Where is he? What is he doing?!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Perhaps he’s… not convinced by the salt?
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): He had better be. With all respect for the tracking profession, Talfryn, a great, great many authorities before you have agreed that salt kills snails. And at the moment I’d rather trust centuries of wisdom over one reluctant tracker!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Talfryn, please! Strength in unity! A knight must prize all voices!
JUDGE (MUFFLED): I have grown rather tired of all these voices myself. (DEEP BREATH)
SOUND: BUBBLES.
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Oh! Ooooh! Now what is that– oh! That strange feeling?
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Suction, Sir Angelo! The slime is sucking us in!
ANGELO (MUFFLED): Wh– whoa– whoaaaaaaa!
DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Taaaaaaalfryyyyyn!
SOUND: SCHLORP.
JUDGE: Yes, ye– hmm, well! I think that’s more like it. (CHUCKLES)
TALFRYN: (PANTING)
JUDGE: Well now, well now – without your rapscallion friends to lead the way, you aren’t nearly so bold, are you? I should say not, ha hem, hm, ha, not at all. But… mmmm.
It is my profession to lead ways, you know. To give guidance – excuse me, rather, to communicate guidance from the uuuUUuUuniverse – in situations where individuals cannot sort it for themselves. Hmm? I can speak to a power greater than us. Ask it where your place is. And then, all you need to do is: follow. Do as I tell you, and then it will be all over. So. What say you?
TALFRYN: (WHISPERING) If I run for the door, he’ll get me. If I don’t run, he’ll get them.
JUDGE: I should warn you that your friends will drown if you wait much longer.
TALFRYN: (CALLING) Alright! Alright, I’m… coming out.
JUDGE: (CHUCKLES) And you won’t try anything tricky now, mmm?
TALFRYN: N– never!
JUDGE: That’s a good lad. Come out, I say. Come out!
TALFRYN: Three, two, one!
SOUND: SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, PANTING.
JUDGE: Haaa ha-ha! I knew you would run! (SNORTS, SPITS) The door is blocked, and you are trapped, you small-minded, unimpressive, dry—
Oh, well, you didn’t run for the door, did you?
TALFRYN: N-nope! I ran for this! My backflask!
SOUND: WATER SPRAYING.
JUDGE: (YELPING)
TALFRYN: Ha! I knew it! Fresh water will… uh-oh!
JUDGE: (BIG SNORT, SPITS)
TALFRYN: Wuh!
SOUND: SPRAYING WATER.
JUDGE: (YELLS)
TALFRYN: No more spitballs, or I’ll keep spraying!
JUDGE: Curse you! My divine face, I say, my divine face has been swollen!
TALFRYN: And I’m sorry I did that. But you have to let my friends breathe, or else… or else I’ll swell it up even more! And you won’t like it!
JUDGE: (GROWLS, STRAINING)
SOUND: BUBBLING. GASPS.
DAMIEN: (PANTING) The snail’s skin… is shifting! I can breathe!
ANGELO: (STRAINING) Keep at it, Talfryn! Now you just have to get the salt!
TALFRYN: Salt won’t work. We already tried it.
ANGELO: Well, have we perhaps tried more salt?
TALFRYN: We did! All that water that flooded in here was seawater from the Terminus! But the Judge here didn’t bat an eye-stalk!
Because you’re not a land snail at all! You’re a sea slug! And now you have to let my friends go, because—
JUDGE: (BIG GASP) I beg your pardon! Slander! Slander, I say! Everyone knows that the mighty Judge Helicoid is a snail. Why else would I live in this great big shell?
ANGELO: It looked more like a tower to me.
JUDGE: And—! Water, harming a sea creature! How preposterous! (LAUGHS)
TALFRYN: Not just any water! Fresh water! Because basically! It’s called osmosis! Your internal fluids are really heavily saltwater, uh, that’s, so all the water doesn’t rush out of you in the ocean, ‘cause it kind of tries to balance… but anyway, your skin just sort of lets water in and out whenever it wants, so the water on the outside filters into your skin really fast to try and dilute the salty—
JUDGE: Flim-flam! Tommyrot! Stuff and nonsense! Also, I didn’t understand a word of it.
DAMIEN: Genius, Talfryn! What incredible reasoning! Your mind has won the day.
TALFRYN: Oh! Thank you!
DAMIEN: And more importantly, you’ve proved once and for all that Sage Helicoid is not a snail!
JUDGE: Fine, then. I’m a slug. And those pictures on the tapestries are all of a slug! Me! Judge Helicoid!
ANGELO: Mmm, no, I’m afraid there we disagree, slug. That is definitely either a snail, or an old man.
DAMIEN: It is just an old man!
JUDGE: Well then, how do you account for the strange protrusions on his shield?
TALFRYN: Stop!
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
JUDGE: Ooooh! What was that for?
TALFRYN: Stop pretending to be our friend and distracting us and listen to me! I told you to let them go!
JUDGE: After this conversation.
TALFRYN: No! Right now, because this is what you do! You lie, and brag, and put on a big show to distract us, and then you get us when we aren’t ready! That’s why you’ve let Sir Angelo talk to me this whole time…
ANGELO: Because he respected me as an unlicensed educator!
TALFRYN: …so you could always tell what I was going to do next!
ANGELO: Oh.
DAMIEN: He’s not a sage. He isn’t even a snail! He’s just a performer. (SPITS) A second-rate performer!
JUDGE: (GASPS) Second rate! How dare you—
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
(GASPS) Oh, uh, please, uh, don’t spray me… with that, again, alright, h-here you go. (STRAINING)
SOUND: BUBBLING. TWO POPS, THUDS.
TALFRYN: There. You guys are free. Now we’ve just got to see what he knows and leave.
JUDGE: Ha! If you think it will be that easy to—
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
(YELLS, SPLUTTERS) I think you’ve grown a bit too attached to that spraying-device.
TALFRYN: Who are you? First you’re pretending to be this Spiral Sage guy, then a snail? What’s all this for?
JUDGE: Do you perhaps mean, ‘why would I impersonate a long-dead snail of near-infinite power who all monsters listen to without question?’
Because it seems to me that answer is clear, hm hm.
DAMIEN: Human.
JUDGE: Snail.
DAMIEN: Human!
TALFRYN: That’s not all! You said you had orders to guard this gate. Who gave you orders?
JUDGE: I told you, the uuuUUUuUuniverse—
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
(YELPS) Fine, fine! The Senate. The Senate placed me here!
TALFRYN: The monsters have… a Senate? Like the First Citadel?
DAMIEN: That’s impossible! Monsters organizing, conducting a society like– like humans? Blasphemy!
JUDGE: We speak, do we not? We think. We argue. And if we are to ensure our freedoms are protected, we must have a means of enforcing them. So, we vote. Some monsters choose to cluster in families or societies; there is a tree west of here, filled with ten thousand chipmooks, who all must unanimously agree on one vote. Then, there are the solitary beasts, like that… ugh, lizard and his house. Not that he’s voted in decades, the six-limbed scoundrel.
DAMIEN: A lizard? A six-limbed lizard?
ANGELO: Now, Sir Damien, let’s not get too excited right away. He could have four legs. Or six legs. Or five arms and no legs, if a snake’s tail is a form of leg, or—
JUDGE: Four arms, two legs.
ANGELO: Begads, that’s just the lizard we’re after!
DAMIEN: Do you know where the fiend is? Sly slug, tell us immediately!
JUDGE: Somewhere in this building, if he isn’t dead already.
DAMIEN: If he isn’t– what did you say?
JUDGE: He’s been found guilty of treason and sentenced to this fortress, from whence they’re likely to throw him over the edge of the world.
DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge… he is a monster, but… oh Saints, how grisly…
TALFRYN: Was there a woman with him? A human woman?
JUDGE: Not with him, but… (GAGS) A situation too disgusting to speak of. Her trial concludes with the dawn. She’s in our holding-cells at present, along with that pugnacious friend of hers.
ANGELO: I knew Sir Caroline would save her!
DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge of the world… down the Terminus falls… down and down and…
JUDGE: But all is not lost, gentlemen; I say, it is not too late for you to have your woman and your lizard.
ANGELO: Slay the lizard, actually.
JUDGE: Yes, well, perhaps do that before you get her, for, uh… blugh, good… reasons. You will find the monster in this very fortress, deep beneath the Terminus. You will find the woman back beneath my courthouse, where she is held.
TALFRYN: You’re being really cooperative suddenly.
JUDGE: Well, my boy, what else can I do? If I am indirect, I get the spray; if I lie, it’s the spray once more. And if I avoid the spray, well, perhaps that’s because… I would… like to survive this. I’m… well, I daresay I’m quite afraid for my life at this moment.
DAMIEN: He lies as all monsters do, Talfryn. Slay him.
TALFRYN: But—
ANGELO: I’m afraid I agree with Sir Damien, my pupil. A call for mercy is to be respected, but when its caller has proven so unrepentant…
TALFRYN: I… I…
DAMIEN: For your Citadel. This is what it means to be a knight.
ANGELO: It is not easy, my young friend. But it grows easier with time.
TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) I don’t want it to get easier.
JUDGE: What was that?
TALFRYN: I said…
You told us the truth about Rilla and the lizard? You swear?
JUDGE: I have too much at stake to lie, my boy. Far too much.
TALFRYN: Then go. Leave!
DAMIEN: Talfryn!
ANGELO: Do not act rashly now, my pupil; the monster is—
TALFRYN: My monster! I beat him! I saved you! So I get to decide!
And you can’t pretend to be the Judge anymore, okay, slug! You have to go back into the Terminus, or wherever you came from. And you just have to be a big slug again. A big slug who doesn’t hurt anybody! Okay?
JUDGE: Of course. I cannot thank you more, my boy. I will chart my own course now.
TALFRYN: You’d better, or someone will come back with even more fresh water. Seriously!
JUDGE: Thank you, thank you! I say one thousand times thank you.
SOUND: HEAVY CREAKING, SQUELCHES. CLANK.
Gentlemen.
DAMIEN & ANGELO: (GRUNT)
SOUND: CLANKS & CREAKS, THUD, CLANKS.
TALFRYN: (SIGHS) It’s over.
DAMIEN: Indeed. Failure, too, is an ending.
ANGELO: I- do hope your instincts prove true, Talfryn. We have let monsters go in recent days, but this… seems riskier.
TALFRYN: Well… if we had just killed him to start like you guys wanted, we never would have learned that Rilla and the lizard-monster are already here! We’d just be walking back into the swamp and we’d never find Rilla at all.
SOUND: SQUISHES.
DAMIEN: That noise… Does anyone else hear that?
TALFRYN: So, yeah! Maybe I can do this! Maybe I can be a-a new kind of knight—
SOUND: BUBBLING.
—one who doesn’t kill monsters, who only hunts for food or to protect the jungle, and—
JUDGE: Protect yourself first, boy.
ANGELO: Talfryn, behind you!
JUDGE: (BIG SNORT)
TALFRYN: (SCREAMS)
SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.
(PANTS)
SOUND: STRETCHING.
JUDGE: (GURGLES)
Uh oh.
SOUND: BIG POP. WET SPLAT.
ANGELO: (AFTER A PAUSE) Talfryn. That was…
DAMIEN: Disgusting. Harrowing. Rancid beyond comprehension.
ANGELO: Amazing!! (LAUGHS)
TALFRYN: (YELPS)
ANGELO: You did it! You did it, my pupil, and I couldn’t be more proud! Did you see his reflexes, Sir Damien?
DAMIEN: Very impressive.
ANGELO: And that shot! Unbelievable! You have the makings of a great knight, young Talfryn!
TALFRYN: Let go of me!
ANGELO: What?
TALFRYN: I said don’t touch me, okay?
ANGELO: Talfryn, I… I understand these jitters. But that monster broke his word and tried to kill you; he was undoubtedly evil.
DAMIEN: As they all are.
ANGELO: I can’t say that. What of the crocodile-hound?
TALFRYN: Stop.
DAMIEN: What of it? We didn’t observe what it did with its freedom, did we? Our failure to kill it has likely visited misery on many more humans already. It was a moment of weakness, Sir Angelo.
TALFRYN: I said stop.
ANGELO: The situation may have been unclear, Sir Damien, but a knight knows what’s best in his heart.
DAMIEN: Do we? In an era of heart-twisting monsters, can we?
TALFRYN: Just shut up already! You aren’t listening! You’re just waiting until everyone else is quiet and then talking about your own problems!
DAMIEN: …Oh my.
TALFRYN: I don’t care whether the Judge was a good monster or a bad monster! I said I didn’t want to kill him, and then I killed him, and I didn’t want to!
ANGELO: But you had to, friend—
TALFRYN: I’m not talking about had to! I didn’t want to! I never wanted to, and now I did and I feel like I’m gonna be sick, okay? (HEAVY BREATHING)
ANGELO: Young Talfryn, I—
TALFRYN: And another thing! I’m older than you, Sir Angelo. I have more experience than you. And you might be really, really good at killing monsters, but right now we’re just trying not to die in a monster’s den, and you don’t know what you’re talking about, so… so… so… maybe the people who talk the most shouldn’t say we should listen to everyone equally when it’s someone! Else’s! Turn!
I’m gonna go sit down over there now!
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.
DAMIEN: That was… quite clear.
I’m going to see if I can make sense of those tapestries. Perhaps some quiet… contemplation is in order.
ANGELO: Still? You’ve been quietly contemplating for days, Sir Damien.
DAMIEN: Yes, well, things have become… rather complicated, haven’t they? (CHUCKLES) A government of monsters… individual interests, rights, representation? Could those be lies too, my friend? When does one concede that one has cast aside so much as falsehood that the world itself has become… a mirage? The reality not meeting what we choose to see?
ANGELO: I understood not a lick of that, Sir Damien. But I would say that if you worry you don’t understand everything, well I can’t say I do, either. But I listen when others tell me I am wrong, and I learn.
Well, I thought I did. Perhaps I don’t understand that, either.
DAMIEN: Yes… perhaps that is wisest… surround oneself with those wiser, and worry not beyond the scope they set. That is the essence of faith, is it not? To… believe. No matter what obstacles present themselves.
(SIGHS) And I must believe the real Sage Helicoid must have been human. I must believe that monsters are evil, for much wiser men than I have said so, and for hundreds of years.
ANGELO: But… what of the beasts we’ve seen on our journey, my friend? What of the evidence of your eyes? Or your heart?
DAMIEN: My heart… well, that must be because…
I don’t know, Sir Angelo. I don’t know.
But the answer must be in these halls. It must be. And then my faith will be restored, and the world will be as it always was. It has to be. It has to.
ANGELO: Very well, then. I shall talk to young– I shall talk to our compatriot.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.
Talfryn. May I sit?
TALFRYN: (MOANS)
ANGELO: My friend, I owe you an apology. I was overzealous today. I just thought… well, I thought that without your brother, you might be… in need of guidance. Adrift, perhaps.
TALFRYN: Yeah, well, maybe! Maybe I do feel adrift! And maybe I wouldn’t if everyone would just let me drift for a minute until I undrift myself, okay! (SIGHS) I’m sorry, Sir Angelo, that’s not fair. I just…
ANGELO: It’s alright, my friend.
TALFRYN (MUFFLED): I don’t know if I want to be a knight.
ANGELO: What’s that?
TALFRYN: I said, (MUFFLED) I don’t know if I want to be a knight.
ANGELO: Yes, well, I heard that part, but I assumed that I must be mistake– great Saints on high, man, you don’t want to be a knight?!
TALFRYN: (MOANS)
ANGELO: I didn’t know there existed a single human being that didn’t want to be a knight.
TALFRYN: Even the Queen?
ANGELO: I thought she must have aimed for knighthood and overshot a bit.
TALFRYN: Ah.
ANGELO: Well… aha! Then I’ve got just the solution, friend. If you don’t want to be a knight, then don’t be a knight! It’s that simple. And the day is saved!
TALFRYN: No, I… don’t know if I want to be a knight. And I don’t know if I don’t want to be one, either. I just…
Marc’s been working at it so hard and so long. I don’t want to let him down. I don’t know how not to let him down. And I don’t know what I want besides that.
ANGELO: I see… a far more challenging puzzle. Well, you see, Talfryn, you might… uh, that is, you could… just give me a moment, Talfryn, and Sir Angelo the Strong will have the answer.
TALFRYN: Y’know, Sir Angelo… sometimes when people talk, they don’t want you to solve their problems. Sometimes they just want to know you’re listening.
ANGELO: Then I shall listen more attentively than ever! And I shall update you every third sentence to ensure you…
That is more difficult than it sounds, isn’t it?
TALFRYN: Yeah. Yeah.
ANGELO: Mmm. Well. I will work on that.
And though I have known you but a short time, my friend, I am thrilled to see what you will become. I have no idea what it is, but… I am certain it will be grand.
TALFRYN: Thanks—
ANGELO: And also probably outside.
TALFRYN: Yeah, that’s accurate.
Thanks, friend.
ANGELO: It is my pleasure, friend.
Hm. Do you know where Sir Damien went, by the way? I don’t see him anywhere.
TALFRYN: Uh… nope; I don’t see him.
ANGELO: Is this the sort of problem I should not solve, or…?
TALFRYN: Nope, we should do something about that.
ANGELO: I suspected so.
TALFRYN: (CALLING, OVER THE BELOW) Sir Damien? Sir Damien? Sir Damien!
ANGELO: (CALLING, OVER THE ABOVE) Damien? Best friend and rival to Sir Angelo? Damien?
ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.
***
CAROLINE: (FADING IN) …completely ridiculous, that’s why!
RILLA: Ridiculous? So you want me to stay out here and get smashed as soon as another set of guards comes by?
CAROLINE: Better that than being torn apart by the lizard-beast!
RILLA: He is not going to tear me apart!
QUANYII: Now, ladies, please. Why are we fighting?
No really, why are we fighting? I got bored and stopped listening.
RILLA: The monsters aren’t going to let us just hang out here. So if we want to make it out alive, someone needs to stand lookout.
CAROLINE: And someone needs to go get the lizard.
RILLA: You’re just going to kill him.
CAROLINE: And you’re going to– well I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I don’t trust it.
QUANYII: Oh, is that all? My sillies, why there’s just such an easy answer. I’ll just—
RILLA & CAROLINE: (IN UNISON) You are not going in there!
QUANYII: Rude.
CAROLINE: You’re more likely to tear the lizard to pieces than I am. Make a soup out of him or something.
QUANYII: Ugh! I am not some chef!
RILLA: A goblin that spits soup, then.
QUANYII: Oh, yes. I quite like that idea.
CAROLINE: You also have a habit of disappearing and reappearing. It would be foolish to trust you with guard duty. You’d get bored and vanish off somewhere more exciting.
QUANYII: Guilty as charged! Well, then there is one other way I can help, at least.
Hmmm, now how will we compromise?
CAROLINE: Compromise.
QUANYII: Oh, it’s all the rage with the monsters: a system by which nobody gets what they want and everybody just resents everybody else! Very diplomatic.
CAROLINE: I know what a compromise is! (SIGHS) No. I’ve already learned one lesson today, thank you, and now I think I’ll have what I want. This is my mission, and I’ve earned the right to slay that lizard.
RILLA: Well, I have unfinished business with him.
CAROLINE: What business?
RILLA: I think someone who’s so dead-set on nobody asking about her past doesn’t really get to demand I tell her mine.
CAROLINE: Hmph. Fine. Witch. What compromise did you have in mind?
QUANYII: How about… (GASPS) That’s it!
RILLA: What’s it?
QUANYII: Our compromise will be this: Rilla will go in there first, and you’ll have your talk with the lizard and learn everything you can.
CAROLINE: How is that a compro—
QUANYII: But! We’ll all decide on a time limit together first; and once that’s up, you’ll just scurry right back here and then cranky and I will go in and take what we like from your scaly friend. Does that seem fair?
CAROLINE: No.
But I’m willing to tolerate it.
QUANYII: Rilla?
RILLA: I… uh…
QUANYII: And I’d suggest you take the compromise, or we might have to go to a vote. And I think you know which side I’m voting for.
RILLA: …Fine.
CAROLINE: Good. Now, how long do we think is fair?
RILLA: An hour.
CAROLINE: Two minutes.
QUANYII: And I vote for negative two minutes, so when you average that all together you get… twenty minutes!
RILLA: (OVER THE BELOW) That’s all?
CAROLINE: (OVER THE ABOVE) That long?
QUANYII: That’s compromise for you. Twenty minutes to ask your questions, and then you come right back here.
RILLA: But I—
QUANYII: And we’re agreed, so your time starts… now!
CAROLINE: Have fun, Rilla. Don’t make me come looking for you.
RILLA: I won’t.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. RECORDER STARTS.
Research log, entry… (SIGHS) Who am I kidding? This hasn’t been a research log in weeks.
MUSIC: STARTS.
(SIGHS) I… don’t know what I’m going to do, to be honest. I’m in the hall just before Lord Arum’s cell, and– if he’s still in it.
And if he is, what then? Twenty minutes to help him escape, when it took us the better part of a day to get down here? And even if I do help him escape, what then? Treason, and Damien, and… this feeling.
Things are so much more confusing than they used to be. I miss how simple things were, but… I can’t go back. Not knowing what I know now, knowing how much danger we’re all in, knowing how little of the world I actually understand, but…
I love my life. And, I love my Damien, and…
How are you supposed to make the huge and beautiful and terrifying new world you’ve stumbled into… play nice with your home? With everything you love? I don’t… know. I hope… I have time to find the answer.
Saints, this is a long hallway. End of—
SOUND: DISTANT GASP.
What was that?!
ARUM (DISTANT): You?
MUSIC: ENDS.
DAMIEN (DISTANT): You… I can’t believe it’s really—
ARUM (DISTANT): (SIGHS) Of course it would be you. What an end to a truly catastrophic adventure. (SNORTS) I never should have left the Keep.
RILLA: That can’t be.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.
DAMIEN (DISTANT): I thought you were dead. He told me, the monster; I thought you were… and I lived it, oh I lived it a thousand times in a second’s space! And how can this moment’s truth be but a droplet in that endless, churning sea I’ve drowned in—
ARUM (DISTANT): Oh, stop it. If you plan to kill me, you’ll get no sympathy. I’m sorry if that hurts your “feelings,” tktktktktktktktk.
DAMIEN (DISTANT): Kill you? But… I…
ARUM (DISTANT): Your knife is drawn, honeysuckle.
SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.
I’m a monster, not an idiot.
SOUND: BANG.
RILLA: Damien, stop!
DAMIEN: Rilla! My– my Rilla, it’s you! You’re really here, you’re—
You’re the reason I must kill this lizard, of– of course. Oh Saint Damien above, take no more of your tranquility from me… if the sight of those violet eyes is enough for me to forget my purpose, what chance do I have?
RILLA: Please, Damien. Don’t hurt him. We… I… (SIGHS) It’s so complicated. It’s all just… really complicated right now.
ARUM: I’ll say.
Hello, Amaryllis. I take it you know this knight who threatens my life?
RILLA: I do. He’s… my fiancé. My family.
DAMIEN: And this devil is your kidnapper. I will slay him. Were you truly Rilla, you would know that. An illusion, of course, you must be, but- then is that possible? I would know you anywhere, but I must slay him, it is my duty to my Citadel and to my love, that is the way of the world, I must—
ARUM: Oh, hurry along, will you? I can’t stand another second of this performance!
RILLA: Arum, stop egging him on!
DAMIEN: Aaarum… you know the creature’s name.
RILLA: I do. Damien—
DAMIEN: You say it like a friend.
RILLA: Damien, please…
DAMIEN: No, not friend. Perhaps the long-sought music of your voice deceives me, but is that… do I not hear…?
Oh, Saint Damien above, what hells must I endure before you will forgive me? What have I done, what have I done…?
RILLA: Damien. I’m safe; it’s okay. You have nothing to worry about.
DAMIEN: HA! Nothing to worry about!
ARUM: Amaryllis, this is not helping—!
SOUND: SCHING.
RILLA: Damien, stop!
DAMIEN: I’ve drawn no blood.
I am tranquil at last, Rilla. I am thinking clearly.
RILLA: No, you aren’t. You’re a wreck, Damien. You look like you’ve barely slept; you need to breathe, and think. You need to put down that knife.
DAMIEN: I will not.
Yes, yes, I think clearly; I am tranquil, now. I can see the challenges that have been placed before me and I can see, too, how they have led me to this moment. I can see it all for what it truly is: illusion.
ARUM: Oh, please.
DAMIEN: Those violet eyes… their magic corrupts all. They make a knight stray from his course, make him question his divine purpose. Brew the sweetest venom in the chambers of his heart. And if they can affect the heart, the very seat of the soul, then why not twist my eyes, as well?
You’ve made me see things.
RILLA: See things like what, Damien?
DAMIEN: Those tapestries. Those are your illusions, aren’t they, lizard? Lies of humans and monsters living together, lying together. Deceptions all… and so is she. You’ve used her as an illusion against me before, why not now?
ARUM: It would take a lot more than shriekweed for an illusion that convincing, honeysuckle.
RILLA: Think about it, Damien. Think about if you have any proof.
DAMIEN: I am tranquil! I think clear enough, and speak only what I know to be true: the world has order. It has always made sense, and so it must make sense. And if your arrival came just as sense began to crumble? You, monster, must be the cause. And if that is true, then you must die!
RILLA: Damien? Don’t move. I’m coming over there.
DAMIEN: No, you are not.
Sit down, please. Whether you be human or illusion, please: sit. I think clearly; I am tranquil now, and in my tranquility I trust in the revealing power of truth to place all things in their proper order.
ARUM: Oh, spare me—
SOUND: SCHING.
(CHOKES)
RILLA: Damien!
DAMIEN: Now, I am tranquil. And in my tranquility I know what I must do.
(DEEP BREATH) I will fulfill my duty – and cut this lizard’s throat.
ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.
***
SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.
CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Leslie Drescher, Melissa Ennulat, Melissa DeJesus, and co-creator Sophie Kaner:
SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.
MELISSA D: …ly like I get really anxious about, taking on new characters, who knew? Haha—
SOUNDS: GIGGLES.
LESLIE: Also why I think I’m—
MELISSA D: Yeah, one of the ways that I prep is I made myself a Spotify playlist of like—
SOPHIE: Oh my god—
MELISSA D: Y’know, get in the Quanyii headspace—
SOPHIE: Oh my—
MELISSA E: You must share this, and immediately.
SOPHIE: Yes, what is on it.
MELISSA D: Um, like a lot of of it is showtunes—
MELISSA E & SOPHIE: YAAAAAAS!
MELISSA E: My life!
SOPHIE: No it’s so good—
MELISSA D: I’m a huge Lea Salonga fan—
SOUND: GASP.
MELISSA E: YAAAAAS!
SOPHIE: Yaaaaaas!
MELISSA D: Also she’s Filipino, and I’m Filipino, and it’s like a big thing for me, emotionally—
SOPHIE: Oh she’s perfect.
MELISSA E: She’s amazing in every way…
SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.
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This tale, the Hallowed Halls of Helicoid, was told by the following people: Melissa Ennulat as Rilla, Leslie Drescher as Sir Caroline, Melissa De Jesus as Quanyii, Jason Mellin as Talfryn, M Sutherland as Sir Angelo, Matthew Zahnzinger as Sir Damien, Glenn Moore as Judge Helicoid, Stuart Evan Smith as Porcus, Michael Underhill as Trotter, and Kate Jones as the Bailiff.
If you wish to know more about our ever-expanding, infinitely-creative team of artists, musicians, editors, designers, and managers, you can read about them in the show notes of this episode.
I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.
ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.