i miss being someone’s number 1. i miss having someone to rely on. i miss having someone who wants to get to know me. i miss intimacy and connection. you moved on like nothing and now’s it’s literally been a year since we spoke and a year and a half since we ended it and you got to move on so quickly and find someone you’re still with. meanwhile i’m on my own entirely. i’ll never forget the feeling of leaving your house after we said goodbye, knowing i was going to be moving hundreds of miles away in the next couple days i literally have never felt more pain in my life i couldn’t even see the road as i drove and sobbed the entire way home meanwhile you smiled at me when you gave me a hug and went back into your house to talk to your friends. you didn’t care. i have a feeling the only reason you clung to me for so long was because you didn’t have friends, as soon as you got them i was old news. i remember you sobbing asking me not to leave, and me constantly choosing your needs over mine, so much you didn’t appreciate it. it became what you expected. even after we broke up you never seemed to value me, just kinda shrugged off the thousands of dollars i spent on you and literally every single aspect of my life i sacrificed for you. i remember being sick, yet taking care of you. i remember struggling to pay the bills, yet blowing my money on you. i remember desperately needing connection, yet cutting people off because you asked me to. i remember wanting to seek adventure and experience things, and staying at home with you. for you. you didn’t even seem to care how it affected me, just glad things ended up how you wanted them to be. i could have never smiled at you if you left. seeing you in public literally made me burst into tears, i remember seeing you at the bark and literally having to leave because of the panic attack i got knowing we were no longer together. you came to try and comfort me, only after Cas told you to check up on me. you came out smiling, with this new carefree attitude you had now that you had so many friends. you asked me if i was alright, and i lied and said i was fine as i choked back my tears. you just stood there and said things would be okay and walked off, laughing as you said hi to someone at the entrance. i sat in my car hysterically crying, desperately wanting to stay in the past where we had something that worked. see when i told you forever i meant it, but your words meant nothing your feelings change on the daily, you were never reliable or constant. i should’ve known that when you said you love me it really just meant for that moment, i should’ve known when you said you wanted to be with my forever it just meant that day. now you have someone to replace me, someone to do everything i did for you. and i’m just on my own, constantly getting hurt every time i even try to put myself out there. the hardest part is knowing you hate me now, how as soon as you got serious with your current partner you blocked me on everything, completely deleted me out of your life. we had kept in touch up until that, chatting about movies. i craved any sort of connection with you, even if it just meant being friends i wanted you in my life, i spent over 3 years in love with you, we built a life together i could never hate you. i don’t know how you could hate me now, i don’t know how i did anything deserving of your hate. both you and your partner blocked me on everything, you deleted me from your life and moved on. i still get flashes of memories with you every now and then, it’s hard not to. you were the center of my life for those three years we were in love, you were my favorite subject, my favorite person, my favorite everything. it’s so hard being alone still, never meeting anyone that is interested me. i sit here and say i wish someone liked me the way you liked me, but every day i start to think more and more that i was a phase for you. just a temporary exciting shiny thing you got bored of as soon as you saw your reflection staring back at you.
