Werewolf Torts

Bureaucrat by day, law student by night, werewolf hypotheticals 24x7.

[merrimentsmight]

U dont understand i had to write the first 70,000 words because if i didnt the sex wouldnt be as perilous or emotionally fraught. Which is the POINT.

[tgirl-thucydides]

[axolotly]

Here are some of the roasts in question lmao

[depsidase]

[bikingdon]

we all remember where we were

[thechekhov]

You didn’t really used to draw porn did you?

Actually, yeah!

You seem rather scandalized.

[sixpenceee]

Along the wild Pacific coast of British Columbia, there lives a population of the sea wolves. “We know from exhaustive DNA studies that these wolves are genetically distinct from their continental kin,” says McAllister. “They are behaviourally distinct, swimming from island to island and preying on sea animals. They are also morphologically distinct — they are smaller in size and physically different from their mainland counterparts,” says Ian McAllister, an award-winning photographer who has been studying these animals for almost two decades.McAllister captured the magic of these wolves in breath-taking pictures. 

As he swam towards them, “the curious canines approached him so closely that he could hear them grunting into his snorkel. He took several frames, then pushed back into deeper water without daring to look up,” writes the bioGraphic.One could almost call these sea wolves pescatarians – 90 percent of their food comes directly from the ocean, with a fourth of it coming from eating salmon. On top of having distinctive food patterns, sea wolves are also excellent swimmers, with their farthest record being swimming to an archipelago 7.5 miles from the nearest landmass. (Source)

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Who wants to hear my new conspiracy theory about lawyers

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Can’t legally lie, but they trade in half-truths and misleading language

Obsessed with contracts

Required to follow the letter (but not the spirit) of the law

Really good at exploiting loopholes

Range from semi-helpful to openly malevolent

Conclusion?? Faeries

[noirandchocolate]

Well I mean the places where we do our main business are even called “courts” so it’s not like we’re trying that hard to hide it.

[xekstrin]

#the strongest of us are able to cast enough of a glamour to be appointed or elected judges over human lives

[3liza]

Anonymous said: “I am in a verbally #abusive home situation that I cannot get away from, and I cannot defend myself from their words. I often feel weak and tired, and lacking all #motivation, but at other times I wish I could be a #wolf, and scare them as much as they scares me."⠀ 22/02/2015 21:42:50⠀ ⠀ problemglyphs.org⠀ ⠀ #sigil#sigils#occultart#occult#problemglyphs#problemglyph#illustration#drawing#verbalabuse#recovery#survival#wolves

[theartofanimation]

Jenna Barton  -  http://dappermouth.tumblr.com  -  https://www.instagram.com/dappermouth

[coffeetwosugars]

so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count

[actualtrashbag-deactivated20170]

holy f uck jane

[coffeetwosugars]

its a serious question

[tinfoil-on-the-windows]

well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.

[coffeetwosugars]

new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing

[tinfoil-on-the-windows]

no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.

you gotta digest it.

so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?

[coffeetwosugars]

huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?

[generallyhuxurious]

Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”

[coffeetwosugars]

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”

“you what now”

[the-negotiator]

i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic

[coffeetwosugars]

now that u said it im really surprised as well

[rainnecassidy]

what the fuck did i just read

[manynamedshe]

Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?

[thewinterotter]

I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.

[audsbot]

I’m not convinced by this, actually!

Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”

But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:

“I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”

“You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”

“You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”

Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.

The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.

(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to help you leave.)

Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.

And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”

Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years. 

[constant-instigator]

Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like

“you wanna come over for the weekend?”

“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”

“you what now”

[thewinterotter]

This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.

[peasantbarbie]

sir david attenborough starts a group chat

[rainbowbarnacle]

@roachpatrol @jumpingjacktrash

[jumpingjacktrash]

i’ve done this! it’s really cool! some people say you shouldn’t, like you’re going to make the wolves feel their territory is contested, but come on. they know you’re not a wolf. they’re just impressed you’re trying.

[roachpatrol]

sir david attenborough: I’M A WOOLF LOL

wolves: …..?

sir david attenborough: I’M A WOOOOOOOLF

wolf 1: what did he saaaaayyy

wolf 2: he said he’s a woooooollllf

wolf 1: … but we’re the wooooolllvvves!

wolf 2: lol i knowwwww right??

[thoodleoo]

i was reading about ancient curse tablets (as one does) and one of the wildest facts i found out was that apparently it was pretty common to curse another lawyer in court so that he fucked up his performance and can i just say that i would LOVE to see an episode of judge judy that involves the two parties reading off their curse tablets about each other as a standard procedure

[7andaswitch-blade]

A coyote cools off in the drink fridge at a Quiznos in the Chicago Loop, 2007

“It did not growl. It did not make any sounds. It just tried to get in. Apparently it was scared and tried to shelter itself,” said Ray Zavalas, Quiznos employee.

[fullmetalfisting]

Imagine being at Quiznos and seeing a whole-ass coyote blocking the drinks

[supersonicart]

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[godblessthemountaingoats]

Up the Wolves

[idiopathicsmile]

it is pretty hard to find solid statistics on wolf attacks, but as far as i can tell, wolves in north america kill way way way less than one person a year, which means that forces more deadly to us than wolves include: dogs, ice fishing, and getting crushed by a falling flat screen tv.

…further complications to trying to write non-ridiculous angst into a werewolf story

“you don’t understand…i’ve done things under the full moon that i can never take back…one time i ate a squirrel”

[ursavorpalis]

“I SNIFFED MY OWN BUTT. THE INDIGNITY HAUNTS ME STILL.”

[idiopathicsmile]

“i have pooped in the woods and now must go brood about it. don’t try to follow me. 

…and seriously, be careful around your flatscreen, it is probably heavier that you think.”

[emilysidhe]

European wolves (before they were hunted into extinction in most areas) attacked humans purposefully a lot; it’s in the historical record.

North American gray wolves have a natural fear of humans and attack people very rarely, really only when threatened or starving.

So like, imagine, like, a divide between people who got infected with Old World and New World lycanthropy.  One makes you this dangerous beast that sees humans as a viable food source an another makes you perceive humans as a threat.  Imagine people getting it wrong!

Some shady paranormal group capturing a werewolf to use as security but it just runs away when people trespass.

Some hunters go deep into the woods to murder a werewolf clan for their pelts but it turns out they’ve isolated themselves so deeply because they have the European strain and none of the hunters survive.

New werewolves are so confused because the websites give conflicting advice:  get yourself to your nearest national park when you’re about to turn and just let yourself run free; if you try to cage yourself the claustrophobia and the smell of people will make you panic and you could really hurt yourself or someone else.

vs

If you’re anywhere near human civilization you must make sure you turn in a closed space that you can’t escape from in wolf form or you’ll definitely kill someone.  Just try to take a nap during the full moon, OK.

And they’re like, WHAT DO I DO WHICH ONE DO I HAVE?

[idiopathicsmile]

updated position: at the end of the day, there are, in fact, a number of possible compelling werewolf problems. 

case in point, the global werewolf cultural divide!

[idiopathicsmile]

on the subject of the global werewolf cultural divide, another update, per wikipedia:

Wolves from different geographic locations may howl in different fashions: the howls of European wolves are much more protracted and melodious than those of North American wolves, whose howls are louder and have a stronger emphasis on the first syllable. The two are however mutually intelligible, as North American wolves have been recorded to respond to European-style howls made by biologists (x)

that’s right guys: wolves have accents

[dogmatix]

@darkicedragon

[werewolftorts]

I am in #BarReviewHell, which is basically where you relearn all the weird arcane details of every subject you learned in the first two years of law school, plus a bunch of state law you've never studied, and then take a days-long exam that's the equivalent of having 11 finals at once. ANYWAY I need your help! Yes, you! Submit your supernatural legal hypothetical questions (or ~hypos~ as the law professors say). I'll be devoting some time each day to answering the questions to help me review and to help you solve your vampire neighbor's property boundary dispute with the werewolf pack. You're not limited to torts or werewolves! Here are some other example subject areas: vampire contracts, undead landlords, poltergeist free speech... Send a question and save me from flashcards!