Been trying to avoid this place, been doing pretty good at it up until a day or so ago. Got some news from a friend and it put my right back down at the bottom of the spiral again. It's really astonishing how many times I've tried to get better.... Only to fail... All I know is how to be alone. Everything I do is wrong and upsets/pushes people away or I ghost. I was really hoping this time it would be different, finally be able to be alone in peace, then I get a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a few years. They are engaged, and while I'm happy for them, it makes me realize just how much of a loser I really am. Everyone of my friends/family have someone, a family, or at least their own place. I'm nearly 40 and don't have anything to call my own... How did I fuck up my life this bad??? I always thought it would turn around for me. Tried taking a leap of faith several times, but nothing ever works in my favor. Now I lay here in bed, in the pitch black, with only my thoughts to keep me company. Creating unobtainable scenarios, time after time, in my head. Why am I like this?
There's nobody I can talk to about about all the things going on in my head, not that I'd want to put that kinda burden onto them anyways.
Now I'm typing out all of this, for strangers to see, read and ignore.... Hoping somehow it turns things around, knowing damn well things will only get worse. Honestly I have no clue what to do anymore......
I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, even tho I'm sure I'll get messages saying that's exactly what I'm doing.....just keep it to yourself, it's not going to help me.
andulkaphoto
prguitarman
titsay
stormborns
jbbartram-illu
jacobvanloon
blakekathryn