What To Wear When...

Fashion advice for extremely specific situations.

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: Fleeing At Midnight From a Sinister Manor House

Attention, Gothic heroines! There are lots of ways to end up at Thornclutch Manor or Darkefall House or Corpseholt Priory or wherever -- could have been a mysterious inheritance, an anonymous newspaper ad for a “governess of discretion,” or a whirlwind marriage to an enigmatic millionaire who always wears gloves. But chances are decent that, however you got to your personal sinister manor house, you are going to have to run away from it at some point. It will be a moonlit night, your hair will fall loose from its pins, and you will have to dash bitter tears from your eyes as you clamber over loose stones etc. Here are some ways to make the sartorial best of the inevitable!

DON’TS:

Mesh. It’s easy to be tempted by this on-trend bodycon staple, which might seem like a great way to show some heaving bosom without having to go full #freethenipple. However, those microweaves WILL snag on thorns, and there WILL be thorns. Carrying a bottle of clear nail polish may be one way to prevent runs, but who can say if you’ll have time to apply it? Better to avoid the problem altogether.

Long Capes. Need we say more? You don’t want to be stuck trying to free your dumb cape while your murderous husband, housekeeper or employer’s-demonic-ex descends on you. The skirt is going to be enough of a struggle by itself without adding an extra variable -- although we confess we’re a sucker for flowing sleeves, as in these looks by Yulia Yanina. (Both also fail the mesh test, alas.) Short capes, however, are more than acceptable -- peep this gorgeous Victorian-looking Zac Posen.

Stiletto or pin heels. These will sink directly into the swampy earth, and you will go with them. Try instead a set of sexy yet practical governess boots, or formal flats if you’re coming directly from a disastrous ball.

Heavy beading, sequins or embroidery. Why weigh yourself down? Besides, you don’t want to leave a trail of sparkly breadcrumbs for your pursuers to follow.

Strapless necklines. We have seen a strapless gothic heroine look deployed effectively, but let’s be honest: we are not Rihanna, and you probably aren’t either. (Although if you are, call us!!!) If you absolutely must go strapless, however, we can’t endorse Hollywood Fashion Tape highly enough.

Black. We love an elegant black gown as much as if not more than the next person, but we don’t think it’s ideal for this specific situation. You will blend into your surroundings and the entire effect will be lost. That said, we’re not ruling it out -- just telegraphing our concerns.

Form-fitting skirts. However good they may look, this just isn’t the moment for a mermaid, trumpet or sheath silhouette. Go for a full a-line or billowing ball skirt for optimal mobility. Sure, they’re not exactly practical, but if you wanted to be practical you’d be jetting out of there in track shorts and Asics.

Actually, you know what, that’s not a bad idea. If you really value your life over your aesthetic, put your sneakers on and get the f out. Just don’t expect to make the cover of “THE SECRET OF STORMCRAGGE HALL” with that nonsense.

These might seem like a lot of restrictions, but in fact, they leave a lot of room for individual variation. After much debate, we’ve chosen this absolutely stunning Jenny Packham negligee for its universally flattering shade, practical three-quarter sleeves and lovely liquid flow. Its adaptability also makes it a winner: did you just climb out of bed and throw a satin robe over your flimsy nightgown, or did you tear yourself straight from the dancefloor, and the arms of a grim-jawed stranger in a domino mask? Either way, you look incredible. 

Shoe-wise we’ve chosen these gorgeous Roger Vivier ballerinas -- they’re not exactly hardy, but they’re too beautiful to resist. Accessorize with a delicate necklace -- the cross pendant is a classic -- and earrings that don’t dangle too low, preferably <$50 so you won’t lose too much sleep if they fall off in a gorse thicket. We like these emerald-cut studs by Kate Spade -- they come in multiple colors, so you can pick whichever best sets off your tearfully shining eyes.

(Close runner-ups: Maria Lucia Hohan, Ralph & Russo, Alexander McQueen.)

Roger Vivier flat shoes, $1,015 / Kate Spade stud earrings, $39 / JudeFrances pendants necklace, $1,475

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Ashish Boyband Boyfriend Jeans, $3200

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are A Second-Tier Villainess From A Dark Matter Universe, Temporarily Disguised as a Japanese Substitute Teacher

Who hasn't been there: you and your three sisters have been imprisoned in the eternal bleakness of the Shadow Moon Dimension for millennia, but thanks to the efforts of some all-powerful evil entity, you're now free on Planet Earth, under the condition that you harvest a certain amount of Life Essence from helpless humans. Unfortunately, there's one problem: a quintet of pesky schoolgirls with magic powers who continually thwart you in undignified ways. What better way to figure out their identities than to infiltrate their school as the hot new substitute teacher they will all sparklingly admire for the first 2/3 of the episode before they figure you out?

Try, if you can, to be a multi-episode arc level villain. Sure, some of your one-episode monsters may really kill it in the Fashion department, but in general you run a high risk of being one of those weird mascots that people avoid in the street -- and the seriously evil, while they may be couture as hell, tend to a) be very solitary, and b) get hella vanquished, and it sucks to get killed even if you DO have a redemptive moment of human love before it happens. Intermediate villainess squads, on the other hand, can have fun girlfriend sleepovers, plot and scheme with like-minded sister friends, and often get an early "change of heart" and live out their human lives wearing cute turtlenecks while running a cosmetics store or something.

Pick a color scheme and run with it. You'll be rocking the same basic palette both in your human disguise and out of it, so choose something flattering and adaptable. A good method is to find one distinctive piece in a flattering shade -- these orange Louboutin booties, say, or this spring-green Valentino jumpsuit -- and build the outfit around that. Your editors have chosen thigh-high stockings in a sinister lilac that will really bring out our eyes. 

Villainesses in disguise always have a hat, which shades their weirdly-colored eyes as their lips curve in a mysterious smile. Check this beautiful "Rose" fascinator from Gina Foster. 

This Eley Kishimoto dress is literally a perfect "villainess in normcore drag" look: it's cute, distinctive, and somehow slightly, eye-catchingly weird, with its big pattern-mixing and unevenly scalloped nip-level bodice. The high neck makes it work-appropriate -- at least in your workplace, because....

....Anime substitute teachers can wear literally whatever. So why not rock these unbearably cute Charlotte Olympia platform oxfords? (The dark stars on the laces are a subtle nod to your true place of origin.) Pair with sheer knee-high socks: in the Negaverse it's always the 90s.

You'll need at least one piece of (COLOR-SCHEME-COMPLIANT!) distinctive jewelry in which to store the Soul Hearts or Life Crystals or Energy Mirrors of your victims. One of those nosy schoolgirls is probably going to figure you out after spotting it, but that can't be helped. We love this octahedral ring from Charlene Court.

As we've said before, "cover everything but your upper thighs" is literally the most important kind of outfit. Thigh-high stretch suede boots by Alaia and a sheer paneled bodysuit from Malene Birger say "I'm a demon with a rad bod, and I'll kick your ass."

You don't have to wear a big piece of sequined armor on one shoulder, but like....why wouldn't you? 

The nails must match.

Eley Kishimoto shirt dress, $305 / Silver mesh diamond epaulette / BY MALENE BIRGER Sheer Panel Bodysuit, $145 / Yoga socks / Calvin Klein socks / Alaïa over the knee boots, $2,840 / Charlotte Olympia lace up booties / Handcrafted jewelry / Elizabeth Cole swarovski crystal jewelry / Jennifer behr headband, $600 / Essie nail polish

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After murdering some dick at the Oscars: what to wear to the afterparty. (Stephen Webster diamond necklace, $3,918.)

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You're Going to the Oscars (To Kill Someone) (Who Deserves It)

Obviously, we here at What to Wear When don't endorse actual murder! This is just a fun game we are playing, imagining the stuff we'd wear if we DID murder someone, which we never would. If, say, an international cabal of good guys paid us to infiltrate the Oscars as a nominated screenwriter, and, while there, to remove one of the world's premiere criminal blights, we would never actually do it! But if we did, here's what we'd wear.

You could be tempted to go full Angel of Death femme-fatale: the YSL Le Smoking, the blood-red lady vengeance Zuhair Murad, the liquid glass Kaufmanfranco. But remember, you're not (only) here to look great. You're serving a higher purpose, ie, removing a trash person from the planet Earth and then escaping scott-free. That means playing against suspicion with a more demure look, like this classy, floral Carolina Herrera.

Accessorize simply -- a bare collarbone and shoulders are always in style. Plus, the less you have on, the less you'll have to stow in your clutch when you quietly "excuse yourself" to "powder your nose" and then go backstage, corner some asshole in the men's room, and shoot him. These Fernando Jorge ruby drops are an elegant choice that compliment your gown perfectly.

This Charlotte Olympia clutch is a fun piece that resonates with the shape of your gown pattern without being too literal. We know the open fan design might seem impractical -- “Everyone will be able to see my gun in there!” --but not to worry! That’s why we chose a dress with pockets. 

Shoes that are a close color match to the gown aren't just for bridesmaids anymore -- they're a bona fide red-carpet trend, cf. Emma Stone and Rosamund Pike -- and these Jimmy Choos are a good choice, in a similar shade of azalea. You could also stab a man with them. We're not saying you should, we're just saying.

Carolina Herrera floral dress / Carolina Herrera floral dress / Jimmy Choo stretch shoes / Charlotte Olympia tassel purse, $2,450 / Fernando Jorge fine ruby jewelry 

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What To Wear When: Attending a funeral where you intend to resurrect the corpse. (Zuhair Murad Floor-Length Flocked Velvet Gown)

[hautekills]

Bridal Toile look from Maison Martin Margiela haute couture s/s 2015

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What to Wear When GLORIOUS AND TERRIBLE D E A T H B R I D E

[wwd]

Undercover RTW Spring 2015

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What To Wear When: You're A Beautiful Goth Tinkerbell.

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN you are a dragon. Just a straight up fucking dragon in human form. "Pay attention to me or I'll murder you with fire because I'm a dragon." (Fouad Sarkis SS14.)

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are A Pop Star Showing Off Your "Best Gal Pal" at a Lingerie Runway Show, And Also, You Are Both Witches

Complementary dressing — like anything else about relationships — is as much about contrast as coordination. You can definitely live in the same color family and basic silhouette, but differentiate yourself with individualistic details. She's in a plunging neckline? You try a high halter. She wears high heels? You wear sneakers, with twinned-up detailing.

In this case, you’re both in form-fitting black, but you have different roles to fulfill. This is a runway show, and she’s the model, so she should be the focus. You’re the performer — in this case, you’re secondary, but that doesn’t mean you should be invisible. Set your girl off in a striking solid, like this exquisitely detailed La Perla bodysuit.

Pair with an opulent lace shrug -- long sleeves wreathed in black lace will a) hide the eldritch tattoos which reveal the bargains you made for your power and b) contrast with her bare skin.

Here's something that never goes out of style: LEGS. Show yours off in an absolutely gorgeous barely-there Rosamosario maxi, a train that drags behind you like the fragrant smoke of your passage.

Keep your accessories minimal, but powerful. These jet and diamond earrings from Bochic are $24K worth of pure aura amplification.

Killer black batwing-detail booties by Jeffery Campbell are a nod to your true nature.

For Her: showy accessories might seem counterintuitive when you're trying to highlight a sexy little piece of lace — but actually, a flowing cape can work the same way curtains do on a stage, framing and showing off the action. This one, Frankensteined together from a River Island shoulder harness, BCBG metal fringe epaulettes, a feather cape bolero by Phase Eight and this gorgeous Daniele Carlotta cape in sheer georgette — will remind the viewer that its wearer is a daughter of Hecate and a witch-queen in her own glorious right, while also bringing the focus to the exquisite detail of what she’s wearing.

And what she's wearing is stunning: the Demelza bra and garter belt by Agent Provocateur, a vision in silky mesh with whispers of opulent lace. Your editors chose not to pair these with the matching undies, for the simple reason that we think the set's strong Art Deco lines and boudoir/bondage contrasts are better set off with this cage panty by Kiki de Montparnasse. 

"Why would Agent Provocateur, Kiki de Montparnasse and La Perla be on the same runway??" Um, wow, you sure do have a lot of questions! Maybe you should have your own blog!!

As above, so below: echo the look with sheer silk thigh-highs and a pair of Jimmy Choo "Vantage" sandals in velvet and lace.

At the end of the performance, join hands to unite your disparate powers and flood the Earls Court Exhibition Centre with a wash of wild, howling magic, women's magic, all crystal and black roses and the soft, seductive, inexorable press of dream. That's how it works, sister of darkness. That's how you get the girl.

Phase Eight black cape, $155 / Jane Norman black shrug, $39 / Daniele Carlotta sheer cape / Rosamosario black skirt / La Perla intimate / Agent Provocateur garter belt, $260 / Kiki de Montparnasse black lingerie / Agent Provocateur bra, $195 / Black shrug, $1,345 / Jeffrey Campbell black pumps / Jimmy Choo shoes / River Island jewelry, $63 / J Crew retro jewelry / Bochic diamond jewelry / BCBGMAXAZRIA Metal Mesh Epaulets

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What To Wear When: You're Gonna Get Murdered In Those Clothes (And Then Haunt The Shit Out Of Somebody)

First of all, your editors are thrilled and gratified to have featured on io9! Welcome, new subscribers. May you all find what you search for, mostly fashion-wise but also in terms of missing bodies or lost eldritch artifacts.

This week, in honor of Halloween, we'll address a maxim from noted fashionista Tracy Jordan: "Dress Every Day Like You're Gonna Be Murdered In Those Clothes." Good advice, but does it go far enough? Keep in mind, you'll be wearing the same clothes in your murderer's nightmares every night -- not to mention showing up in detectives' bedrooms, materializing behind the occasional street corner psychic, and warning off hapless would-be fellow victims. We here at What Wear When don't generally like to espouse the cultural fascination with beautiful female corpses (unless they're flesh-eating), but if you gotta go, why not look your best?

Call us clichéd, but there's something about a white frilly dress on a shadowy apparition that's absolutely classic. We don't see any reason to mess with a perfect formula. This "Exploded Flower" dress from Kaviar Gauche, in addition to its evocative name, has a cleanly-tattered asymmetry both elegant and terrifying.

Cover up (your dead body) with a men's overcoat, like this one from Canali. The combination of masculine and feminine silhouettes is striking, and roomy pockets are perfect for filling with weird clues. May we recommend a disconnected phone number and some eerie doll parts?

When it comes to footwear, your editors would probably skip it altogether in favor of the classic Barefoot Girl Ghost look. We're into the feral uncanniness of it. However, if you must wear shoes, a sleek black pump looks fantastic lolling at a sickening angle from one bloodless foot. These Sergio Rossi numbers have a gold-webbed heel for a touch of sexy weirdness.

A go-to perfume is a key piece for the living -- but it's an absolute must for the dead. Nothing's more evocative than a smell, and nothing will chill your haunt-ees as much as a waft of eerily familiar scent, just before the crystals in the chandelier start to shiver and chime together, and the papers on the desk begin to rustle in an unearthly wind, and someone (you) starts whispering their name. Wear what you wore in life for maximum effect. If you didn't wear perfume in life, your editors recommend the Tokyomilk Dark line for ghosts in search of a signature scent.

Makeup-wise: focus on huge, sunken eyes with a terrible vengeful fire in them. We recommend a smudgy stick eyeliner (like Sephora's jumbo liner in black) and a nude lip (NARS velvet matte pencils are our absolute favorite) for maximum creep. 

Kaviar Gauche long white evening dress, $4,990 / Sergio Rossi high heel shoes / Shay swarovski crystal jewelry / Canali Slim-Fit Velvet-Collar Wool Overcoat / NARS Cosmetics long wear makeup / Tom ford perfume 

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: Your Buddy Is Picking You Up From Your Mom's Place to Go Cohabitate With Your Boyfriend For 6 Months Because You """Accidentally""" Ate Some Fruit

A delicate situation like this requires you to take some conflicting interests into account and just do your best. You want to look adult, to remind your mom that you're a grown and independent fertility goddess now and she has to let you go; you want to look sexy, because you're gonnnaaaa getttt sommmmme soooo sooooooon ohmygodddd; and you want to be comfortable, because the journey to the shadowy halls of Aides is a long one.

This orchid-print sweatshirt from Altuzarra for Target is a great layering piece that calls attention to the duality of your nature. Layer with a comfy cami -- no need to wear a bra if you don't want to!

Black matte leggings are a travelers' go-to. Don't worry about appearing too casual for your rank -- queens and queens-to-be have rocked the legging before now. 

If your mom asks suspiciously where you got your jewelry, which she has never seen you wear before, it's probably best not to be like, "It was prised raw from the open earth by the spectral hands of my boyfriend's innumerable subjects!" Just say something vague like "oh, it was thrifted." Actually, maybe just wait. Maybe wait to put on your jewelry until you are in Charon's dark boat, parting the mists that hang over the great gray river.

Don't skip it, though, because this jewelry is killer. Say what they will of your boyfriend -- that he is most fearful among the Gods, that his sullen realms are wrapped forever in impenetrable shadow, that to speak his very name is to draw his dark gaze, and thus do we call him the host of many, the magnanimous, the giver of wealth -- they can't say that man/God doesn't know how to give a gift! 

This ring is a geode in which -- if looked at through the single dreadful eye of the Moirai -- you can see the whole history and future of mankind spread out before you like a glittering web. The necklace is made, I swear to god, of fossilized jet and wooly mammoth. 

Pack your perfumes, lingerie, a change of clothes and a snack in a roomy weekender like this one from Artessorio. See you next spring!

Altuzarra print top, $48 / Clu black lace camisole / Agent provocateur lingerie, $175 / Agent Provocateur bridal bra, $175 / Tees by Tina matte legging / Valentino flat / Artessorio Aurelia Over-Sized Black Leather Travel Bag / Monique Péan ivory jewelry / Monique Péan long diamond necklace / Kimberly McDonald black diamond jewelry /

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Once in a blue moon, WHAT TO WEAR WHEN will try to answer a practical question with relatively-affordable pieces that ship to the US and come in a range of sizes, instead of whatever $20k piece of bespoke jewelry we are currently obsessed with. This is really difficult for us, so please do not expect it to happen very often.

No murder at all? That's kind of a tall order for your editors. We mostly get asked questions about murder. But we'll do our best!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR HOTNESS. What a gift to your former classmates to be allowed to behold you.

Second of all, as you may know if you have ever opened a fashion magazine, the most flattering friend a hottie can have is the LBD: the Little Black Derringer. NO! No. We are just kidding, of course. This is a murder-free edition of this fashion blog. The LBD is the Little Black Dress, a fashion staple through the ages. Below the cut, five ways to ensure that your hotness is as on-message as it is unmissable.

1. The Cutie Pie

Oh my god look at you! Oh my god, come here. Get out. You're so fucking cute. You're like a princess. I want to kiss your face. Where did you get that bag? I'm like dying, you're so cute. "Listen, your cuteness makes me feel safe confessing this right now: I've always loved you ever since high school and you are even more beautiful now than you were then. But no pressure! Just so you know." --Everyone at your reunion probably.

Dress: House of Fraser, $110, sizes [??????] [Confusing and British]. We are guessing that it only goes up to about a US 10, which is lame, but Modcloth has some great-looking alternatives along the same lines for around the same price, like this one and this one. In fact, black skater dresses are a dime a dozen around the internet: here's one for $38 that we're very tempted by.

Shoes: Nueva Epoca, $219. These are a little pricey, but there is a reason. Come here. We're gonna tell you what it is, but it's a secret. Are you listening? Okay: the world has been hiding something important from you. That hidden thing is called the Character Shoe. Designed for professional dancers, these high heels have more durability, balance, flexibility and comfort than most of your editor's dang sneakers. If you're someone who frequently dances all night, stop hurting yourself. Invest. You are welcome.

Bag: Etsy, $58. We also considered this cute-as-balls business from Aldo, $30. (IT COMES IN 2 DIFFERENT PUPPY FACES!!!)

Jewelry: Plastique Hell Yeah necklace, $32; Bracelets from Forever 21 ($4.80, $4.80, $2.80, $5.80), Lou Lou ($10, $18), Z Designs ($12), Adia Kibur ($17), Nasty Gal ($18), pura vida ($24), Towne & Reese ($24), Cruciani ($30), Fornash ($32), Gorjana ($35), Sole Society ($35). Some of the bracelets actually pictured sold out by the time we finished this draft, so we have listed some alternatives. Whichever you choose, ROCK THAT ARM PARTY GIRL. 

2. The 2 Cool 4 School

What, was there a reunion today? You totally forgot. You were just headed to your friend Felipe's gallery opening and you just happened to step into this bar to fortify yourself. Fancy running into all of you here! Oh, a drink? You'd love one, thanks so much. Sipsmith up with a twist, but if they don't have that, Belvedere is fine.

Dress: Splendid, $130, sizes XS-XL. (Alternatives: ASOS, $53, ASOS Curve, $42). Black t-shirt dresses are eminently adaptable: when you leave your high school crush's apartment the next morning, steal one of their plaid shirts to tie around your waist for a grunge-chic daytime look.

Jewelry: Gorjana necklace, $50; Sarah Chloe ring, $98, Gorjana ring, $50. (Alternative: Heroine stacked rings, $22.)

Boots: Maiden Lane, $119

Clutch: Loris, $68

3. The WHATEVER MOM

Let there be no doubt: you got super, super hot, and you are here to make everyone aware of it. You're a maneater. Make them buy cars. Make them cut cards. Make them wish they'd never met you at all. But in a good way!

Dress: BLQ, $120, sizes XS-L. This dress ranges perilously close to having cap sleeves, which we haaaaaaaate, but come on. Who's gonna notice? (Plus size alternative: Sara Betty, $34. VA VA VOOM VOOM!!) 

Shoes: Dolce Vita, $90.

Jewelry: Gorjana earrings, $17; Style Moi cuff, $14; Monki necklace, $19 [not pictured bc I forgot].

Clutch: Deux Lux, $75. 

Also: Fashion tape (essential, and btw your editors use this stuff all the time, even with much less exciting outfits). Deep purple-red manicure to sink into the hearts of the unwary.

4. The Stevie Nicks

Load up on accessories, wear a hat indoors, and capitalize on your deep and beautiful weirdness with this witchy-chic look. Signature move: drift silently up behind your ex-classmates and pluck a single hair from their heads. If they notice, smile dreamily at them and waft away like a feather. 

Dress: Yumi, $73, sizes [confusing and British again]. Alt: Pyramid Collection, $80. STEVIE NICKS! PYRAMID COLLECTION!!! Buy yourself like 12 crystal balls and a sultry fairy figurine while you're there. 

Shoes: Topshop, $85

Hat: Nasty Gal, $40

Jewelry: Rings, ASOS ($8), Spring Street ($10), Free People ($14); Necklaces, Nasty Gal ($20), Glitzy Rocks ($21), your weird aunt's closet (free, but you will probably have to spend 20 minutes letting her read your crystals).

5. The Classic

Picture it: A movement on the dance floor, a stirring, a slight inhalation. The crowd parts. The lights seem to soften. "Where Is The Love," the ubiquitous 2004 hit by the Black Eyed Peas, fades from hearing as Ezio Pinza begins to croon "Some Enchanted Evening." And suddenly in the spotlight, rising from the throng like some Robert McGinnis siren come to exquisite life, there you are. Your high school spontaneously explodes, reassembles, and names itself after you.

Dress: Laura Byrnes, $140, sizes XS-4XL. Your editor wants this dress sooooooooooo baddddddddddd ughghghghghhghhhhh!!!!!

Shoes: BCBG, $60. These simple and sophisticated d'Orsay pumps come in 11 different varieties and colors. Follow your heart.

Bag: Dasein clutch, $30.

Jewelry: Etsy necklace, $45; Topshop earrings, $20. The most stylish girl your editor ever met always said that off-the shoulder looks should be accessorized with "dangly earrings and collarbones." We like this as a general rule (with the addendum that it is irrelevant whether or not your personal body happens to possess visible collarbones; the designation is geographic rather than aesthetic), but suggest that a delicate crescent-bar pavé necklace, resting right in that sexy vulnerable dip at the hollow of your throat, is a gorgeously subtle enhancement.

Also: Red matte lips, smoky perfume.

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are An Evil Queen Donning the Full Regalia

We've discussed casual evil queen chic, but what about when you have to do full black-tie evil queen stuff -- banishing weeping prisoners to the Oubliette of Shadows, sucking the youth from a peasant maiden with your evil unhinged jaw, sending a well-muscled henchman to take some too-cute princess into the forest and cut out her heart, etc.? Don't worry -- we've got a look for that too.

The long black gown is a powerful villainess fave for a reason: imposing and elegant, it has the added bonus of hiding bloodstains. From the front and side, this DSquared2 beauty gives you the sleek, terrifying silhouette of a demon queen rising from a pool of oily darkness:

Whip around to make your exit and reveal the magnificent spine piece -- a jeweled web of bones, both decorative and parasitic, that suggests the hideous occult grandeur of your true nature.

These Camila Skovgaard sandals mix elegance and aggression, with a heavy tread on the sole to keep you from taking an embarrassing slip in a victim's pool of blood. (Sure, you could kill everyone who saw you wipe out, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!)

Keep your jewelry minimal, with no necklaces to mar the featureless abyss-evoking darkness of your front silhouette. Sparkle-wise, that back piece should do most of your heavy lifting.

You may, however, adorn one hand (the sinister) with this killer hand bracelet from Delfina Delettrez -- what's $25k to a queen of your stature? -- and double its lethality with a clawed finger ring.

Ideally you already have a crown made from the splintered bones of your enemies. If not, retailers from Topshop to Givenchy are producing imposing spiked headbands -- but why not take the opportunity to go custom? Look around on Etsy, where talented small-scale couturiers like Miss G Designs can craft you something majestic and terrible beyond the comprehension of ordinary mortals. You'll never have to worry about running into another high-fashion monarch wearing the same thing.

Dsquared2 long dress, $5,765 / Camilla Skovgaard leather shoes / Delettrez silver bracelet / Anello ring / Givenchy nail polish, $26

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are An Evil Queen On The Go

Here at What to Wear When, we get a lot of questions from evil queens — from chthonic conquerers to space vampires to straight-up despotic witches. We’ll get into what to wear when you're engaging in the formal black-tie duties of evil queendom in a later issue, but for right now, let's talk chic street looks.

Queens aren't wallflowers. Stand out in an eye-catching sheer top by Louise Goldin, featuring shock-and-awe shoulder pads and a draped "tail."

Tapered trousers make a relaxed contrast to the fearsome structure you're wearing up top: remember, you don't have to be in full regal drag today.

On the other hand, no one should forget that you are the dark, omniscient empress of this piece-of-shit planet. Evoke the proper amount of fear in these Halston zip-up booties. 

This isn't an S&M dungeon and you're not here to titillate anybody. Embrace the fact that there are like four "Looks Men Hate" in here -- the loose-fitting pants, the shoulder pads, the ankle-wrap booties, etc. -- and feel free to take it easy on the "evil sexy" accessories like zips and latex.

Unless you like those and you want to wear a lot of those! Then wear as much of those as you want. You are the queen. Go as over-the-top domme as you want.

When we say "slay", you should take us literally. Make sure you're rocking at least one accessory that could kill a man. We recommend this Mugler cuff.

Queens are unfuckwitable -- and so is this Givenchy tote. 

Keep your core really tight. Shoulders down. Neck long. Think "murder." And walk.

Louise Goldin sheer top / 3.1 Phillip Lim elastic waist pants / Halston high heel booties / Givenchy zip tote bag / Thierry Mugler bangle, $1,705 / 8 Other Reasons ear cuff earring

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WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: You Are a Dryad Stranded in the Concrete Jungle

 You sturdy, voluptuous baobab! You elegant silver-skinned birch! (No, no, we said BIRCH.) Enjoy your urban adventure. Here's what we'd recommend.

A slinky green dress, its sway and cling reminiscent of the whispery shift of your leaves in sunlight, is de rigeur. The late-summer mossy green of this TIBI shift is almost universally flattering, although depending on your genus, you may want to go with a color closer to your natural foliage.

If you're a conifer or otherwise evergreen, you may not worry too much about fluctuations in temperature -- but those of us who are deciduous have to take it into account. Layer a pretty dress with a classic trench, like this one from Opening Ceremony, for a look that's as sophisticated as it is adaptable.

Remember that, whatever your size, the woody makeup of your fairy bones makes you less dense than ordinary humans! To keep from being tugged around by the wind -- and to counterbalance the floatiness of your frock -- weigh yourself down with a big statement necklace from Hervé Van der Straeten. This one is reminiscent of falling leaves, without being too literal.

Cutout booties protect your delicate human feet from city hazards like broken glass and syringes, while still letting you feel the good air on your soles.

Okay, we couldn't resist getting a little literal. This delicate, gorgeous Aurelie Bidermann bracelet is modeled after a rose twig.

Not actually pictured here, but highly recommended: a set of ethereal lingerie by a designer like La Fée Verte or The Lake and Stars.

Perfect. Like being clothed only in the fresh, clean light of your home glades in spring.

TIBI green silk dress / Opening Ceremony brown trench coat / La Fée Verte lingerie bra / La Fée Verte ruffle panty / Cutout booties / Aurélie Bidermann 18k jewelry / Blooming tree

[what-wear-when]

WHAT TO WEAR WHEN: Appearing In Court as the Defendant in the Well-Publicized Murder Trial of One's Dearly Departed Husband

Tricky, tricky, tricky! 

Maybe the best idea is to think of this as a job interview. You are a candidate for the position of "Person Who Is Not In Jail." Dress for the job you want!

Striking a balance between "frumpy and harmless" and "also very responsible and trustworthy" is tough, but it can be done. The polka dots on this Romwe top are disarming, without being irreverent. 

The Phillip Lim kimono jacket is the key piece here: elegant and a little unusual, it prevents your pencil silhouette from appearing inappropriately sexy, while also, you know, making sure you stay just sexy enough.

Glasses are a great prop. For one thing, they distance you, visually, from the "gold-digging murderess" whose pictures have been splashed across tabloid pages for months. You can remove them to blot your tears with one trembling hand, or stare imploringly at sympathetic jury members with your conveniently magnified eyes (which should NOT too heavily made up -- a simple beige shadow palette with waterproof brown or navy liner and a layer of clear mascara will suffice).

The luxurious, understated glamour of these Tom Ford frames will also remind you that you are better than everybody else in the courtroom. Even as you abase yourself for their sympathy, never forget that you could buy and sell every one of these rubes.

Color, as long as it's a little somber, isn't verboten. The sweet touch of sage on these cap-toe pumps by Proenza Schouler is the perfect way to say "I fully understand the gravity of my situation, but this trial is a farcical smear campaign against an innocent woman, and when I am free I will dance on all of your graves." 

ROMWE top / 3 1 Phillip Lim short kimono jacket / Blumarine skirt / Proenza Schouler high heel shoes / Christian Louboutin black bowling bag / Rachel Leigh bib statement necklace / Tom Ford Optical Wire-Frame Glasses, Brown