Oh, to be Loved

I come here to release the thoughts I cant voice outloud

[whataboutbrick]

Id like to welcome myself back to some of the loneliest days. The ones where I feel I can only truly express myself in my head or on this app to pretty much no one but myself.

Welcome back to the lonely nights where the one your with is in the other room oblivious to you.

Welcome back to the never ending intrusive thoughts of what could have been with someone else. Who mind you is now taken and very much so in a committed relationship living with their partner now.

Life sucks. You dont fix it for yourself you just leave it for others sake and let yourself wither away in the process. What’s new?

Welcome back,

Brick .-.

[whataboutbrick]

To have no friends

Is to be alone all the time

To not be comfortable in your own skin

Is to feel lonely when alone

I long to feel complete with just myself

So that having no friends

Is no longer a burden

And instead

Allows me the freedom to be myself

And love myself

I long to find that comfort within myself

So that when im alone

I am no longer lonely

But full and content instead

[whataboutbrick]

Will read over and revise later —>

To my future therapist:

My attempt at transcribing my current feelings into an understandable emotion(s) with words

Sometimes It feel likes the only emotion I can genuinely feel and recognize is feeling sad. Anything else is always a toss up like am I happy right now? What does being genuinely happy feel like? Am I even sure? Or wjat am I feeling at all anything? Or just thoughts? Do I feel or am just always thinking and trying to process how I should feel and then never even fucking know how anything makes me feel. Like its always too lte to be hppy about something bc I always miss it in the moment by overthinking or getting distracted or always talking myself out of letting myself enjoy anything. The only real emotion I feel and can recognize that I was just living in a lull of thoughts instead of emotions is the sudden rush of saddness that hits me and you cant deny even with logical thought. Its torment. Its lile always being reminded that im forgetting to be happy without ever actually knowing how to be happy

[whataboutbrick]

Why do I crave your attention, when its quite obvious to me that you couldnt care less?

Why do I deserve to be talked to with such attitude and hate for simply reaching out?

Why must I only think about people, who probably dont even take a second of their day, to concern themselves with the thought of me?

Why must I struggle to see my worth?

Why do I let others define who I am, and what I deserve?

Oh to think for myself and want the best for me.... I hope to be able to detach someday and really live for myself.... but I fear that day isnt coming soon enough 😞

[whataboutbrick]

Is it really too much to ask for? someone, anyone, to check in on me?

I know my mom tries to, and thank you for that mom. its just feels like pity in my head because I know, you know, im always struggling.

But Why must I struggle?

Why must I fight for the attention of people? Whom of which dont even know how to care for someone like myself?

Why must I be so mean when trying to tell people I could use their love?

I feel neglected and maybe im not at all

It feels so dark and lonely and chaotic in my brain

I cant help it

What is freedom?

What is love?

What is neglect?

I want to believe in a better future

But I dont believe in myself to make that happen

Im nothing...

[whataboutbrick]

Do dreams speak louder, than the actions of others?

[whataboutbrick]

I think about you everyday.

I dream of us reuniting,

But you feel so far now.

Are you at place you can call home?

Do you feel lost?

Can one be both?