I'm Chloe.
Today's Document

oozey mess
we're not kids anymore.

#extradirty

Love Begins
Cosimo Galluzzi

JVL

if i look back, i am lost
tumblr dot com
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h
occasionally subtle

izzy's playlists!

pixel skylines
Not today Justin
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Three Goblin Art
Sweet Seals For You, Always

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ojovivo

seen from Brazil
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seen from Malaysia
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seen from Singapore
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@whatsahdoing
I'm Chloe.
Day 1 of sexual assault task force training: In hotel room, next room over is smoking weed and talking about how dabs weren't popular when he was locked up in 2013. It's gonna be a great week.
I have so much to update on, and so little time motivation.
Sheryl Sorby, a professor of engineering education at Ohio State University, was used to getting A’s. For as long as she could remember,…
Relevant to some thesis work that is going on. Also, I ordered the book they discuss from the library.
To-Do
Because sometimes we all need a little motivation.
Continuation from the cliff hanger
Anddd, I’m back.
So as I was saying about Kevin wanting to plan, quote, “the next date” I knew I had to GTFO.
CM and I ended up going to Portland to visit MB and look at cool stuff, while eat great food. When we got back into Eugene, I finally crafted a text to let K know that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. The text read,
“Hey sorry, been with friends in Portland and haven’t had a chance to respond I’m not sure if you’ve been seeing other people, but I just wanted to do a check in and let you know that I didn’t really join tinder for anything serious and I’m talking to a few other people as well. Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page!”
Fun fact, I recycled this message to use for the situation with T. It didn’t have quite the same effect.
He took it quite well, I think. We still have been talking semi-consistently, which is fine by me. I haven’t had a chance to meet up with him since that message, and he definitely has backed off from asking me to join him on just about every outing he takes, which is kind of a relief in terms of social pressure and exhaustion in general. We’ll see what happens next.
So let’s just start with the beginning of the end with T. Here’s that recycled message.
So other than trying to save face with his response, it goes over fairly well. The main reason why I felt the need to send this check-in message was because T’s personality is pretty flat, and motivation/drive-wise in life is pretty much a flat-line as well. He has a stable job, and also is not really making any moves in terms of next step in life, as far as I can tell. Which also leads me to say that we have never really had an in-depth conversation about ANYTHING. It’s quite surface level most of the time and doesn’t really lead to anything other than what has happened since the last time we saw each other or any fascinating stories throughout life, blah, blah, blah. And seeing that last night was the 4th installment of hanging out, I feel like that should have happened on multiple occasions by now.
So Friday night. Last night. I was in a weird mood to begin with, which I’m not really sure why that was the case. Could have been because I got up at 4:50 am to go to the 5:30 gym class I wanted to do, or the 4 hour training on crisis de-escalation from 1-5 pm, or that I might have PMS. Who the fuck knows. All I can say was that my mood was off. I invited T to come out at 10pm to Fathoms, because we were going to do the movies that night, but MB was coming into town and I really wanted to see/hang out with her, seeming I don’t get to all that often.
He was down for that, met up with TW and I (MB was doing a radio show from 10-12 am) and he held his own the whole night fairly well, which was a relief, seeming that he’s probably the most introverted of the three dudes.
All was pretty decent, until it was nearing the end at Fathoms (we were about to head over to Max’s) and he had mentioned that he was pretty intoxicated. This comment was fine, until it was immediately followed by how pretty I looked that night, which then tipped me off that he quite possibly interpreted my gentle let-down text as a “I only hook-up with guys” text. Fuck.
Fast-forward, we get to Max’s, things progressively go further down-hill, mainly because I:
remain sober, while he proceeds to drink,
I become progressively more tired,
TW is being boisterous, which is starting to annoy me, per usual,
and socially, I’m reaching my tap out limit.
Anyway, T puts his arm around my lower back, for THE REST OF THE NIGHT. Sans when I went to the bathroom twice, and ran away with MB to go get peanuts from inside. This would have been okay without him mentioning how beautiful I was and that he liked me, and then after saying thanks and not really reciprocating anything, getting into this whole conversation about how he’s “curious” as to what I think of him. I’m pretty sure I audibly sighed at this point. If not, I just did currently while writing this.
I told him that I’m not really the relationship-type, which made him pretty defensive, due to him interrupting me and saying that he’s not looking for a relationship, blah, blah, blah. He says he likes hanging out with me, and I probably agree or some shit, out of pressure to not be a total dick.
Excerpts: TW wants me to drop him off at his car, which is a 5 min walk away. I’m not pleased. I tell him that he can walk and that I just want to go home. He tries to get me to hang out at the High St. house, which is probably semi-fueled by the fact that if I hang out there, I would be obligated to drive him over. I say no, many-a-times. T jumps in and is saying how TW shouldn’t drive, he’s had too much to drink, TW gets defensive and says that it sounds like T is talking down to him. Shit show commences. I tune out.
Post shit show, I now agree to drop TW off at the High house, thanks T.
I drop of friends, SR, RG, and TW. T is in the front and MB in the back seat. I tell T that I’m going to drop him off and all it a night.
I get to his house, car-hug him, he tells me to let him know when I’m free to hang out again. I say, yeah, he shuts the door, grabs his bag from my trunk, I roll the window down as I’m leaving to say bye, he thinks I’m going to kiss him, things get REAL WEIRD, I make ZERO eye contact while saying good-bye so he doesn’t come any closer to the window. MB and I promptly leave. It’s 3 in the fucking morning. I’m exhausted. We get back to my place and he has already texted me.
He has already told me this verbally. He has told me this verbally less than 15 minutes ago. Whatever. I’m also in a weird mood, so who knows if I’m just getting agitated for no reason. We’ll see what happens next. I’m not exactly planning on replying to this soon.
Alright. 2 down, 1 more to explain. I’ll get to that one soon.
Look at these cuties. It was meant to be.
New Year, New Dudes.
It brings me great displeasure that it has taken me SO long to write again. Please forgive me. I’m not good with starting routines, but who is?
I have about 101 updates so I guess I’ll just meander through them all, which will probably end up being extremely haphazard and incoherent, but that’s usually how story-telling goes for me.
So it’s 2016. At the turn of the new year I ended up meeting a guy at Black Forest, who I ended up kissing at midnight, which I had a strong feeling was going to happen, but at the same time, the thought definitely crossed my mind of, “how long can I prolong not kissing him before he has to just outright ask if he can?” The answer to that was less than a minute.
He gave me some good insight at the end of the night though ( I think?). Ended up essentially saying that if I need to find someone to respect my boundaries, be patient and I have to be the one to voice when I want to do something. These are all things I tell myself on a pretty regular basis, but are mostly pipe-dreams, but it was nice to hear from some dude I had just met and felt reassuring.
We haven’t talked since :).
So it’s down to three right now. TK, TT, and TJ. If you haven’t caught on, the T is standing for tinder.
I’m just going to refer to them by the letter of their first name initial, because at this point, they’re not really in the tinder category anymore.
Alright, where to begin. I’ve seen all three of them pretty consistently the past few weeks. K & T, not nearly as much as J, but a fair amount. K is affectionately talked about as a baby. He definitely looks the youngest out of the three, as quite honestly, acts like it too. Not to mention, he is literally the youngest.
K said something on the first date (yes date, spoiler alert, they’re not dates anymore) that is one of my biggest pet peeves, which was that he’s “really mature” for his age. K, what the FUCK? any one who is quote, “mature” for their age does NOT need to reiterate their maturity. Jesus H. anyway, I let it go and didn’t say anything. Over time, I’ve realized that he probably felt inclined to say he’s mature because he looks like a baby. And knows it. We met up at Off the Waffle the first time we met. Then went to the mall, where I proceeded to buy a bike pump, which I’ve been needing for AGES. So it was productive. then I was called out to the hospital because I was on call for work, so that was that.
K wanted to go miniature golfing the next time we got together. I somehow agreed to subject myself to this miserable activity, which honestly, wasn’t nearly as bad as I always make it out to be. We had a good time over all, except for the bar next door giving me some other dude’s credit card when I closed my tab. This is why I don’t open tabs. This is why I shouldn’t pay for drinks on dates. Just kidding, but only about that last sentence.
K then, on only a mere third date, ended up meeting the majority of my friend group. Including my very good high school friend, CM. What was I thinking? I wasn’t, clearly. By the middle of the night it was confirmed through actions and words that K was in too deep. Too many feelings and trying to constantly plan the next time we would see each other, which I’m not down for (planning ahead like that).
Cliff hanger, I have to go to work.
dealing with the worst case scenario
your condom breaks
you feel a lump on your breast
your friends are ignoring you
you’re stranded on an island
you got rejected by a crush
you get into a car accident
you got stung by a bee/wasp
you got fired from your job
you’re in an earthquake
your tattoo gets infected
your house is on fire
you’re lost in the woods
you get arrested abroad
you get robbed
your partner cheated on you
you’re on a ship that’s sinking
you fall into ice
you’re stuck in an elevator
you hit a deer with your car
you have food poisoning
your pet passed away
you fall off of a horse
you or your friend has alcohol poisoning
you have toxic shock syndrome
your house has a gas leak
I feel like this could be useful in my future
Bad things. Good info.
He doesn't even live here!!
Definitely base my decision for meeting up with someone on whether or not I've showered and whether or not I want to that night.
Writing instead of cleaning
Procrastination for more procrastination. My very good friend JF is coming over tomorrow to catch up and get lunch with me, which means I should, in theory, be cleaning, but am making the executive decision to hold off on that and catch up in terms of writing.
Alright. 3 tinder dates in the past week or so. Let’s deconstruct:
#1: Probably the best out of the 3. At least in terms of making me think that we could potentially get to know each other before he even brings up the notion of doing anything physical, which is a plus. Although I have to remind myself that it is, indeed, tinder and I could just be deluding myself into thinking that. Anyway, he’s an ex-math PhD student, which is humorous, based on the fact that the second date is a post doc in the math department. Small world.
He’s down visiting family for the holidays, which is probably good, otherwise I think I might be way overwhelmed with hanging out, which very well might happen once the holidays are over. Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.
I definitely felt like I was carrying the conversation, but not to a ridiculous degree. Probably just nerves, but I guess we’ll find out next time we hang out. We’ve been texting pretty consistently everyday, which is a weird thing I don’t normally do, and also makes me think that he’s not really looking for anything temporary. this could be good or bad. Who the fuck knows. I still don’t even know what I want out of any of these relationships.
#2: As previously mentioned, post doc, super intelligent, which came off as a little pretentious, but I’m not going to put too much weight into that. Interesting thing in this case is that we never exchanged numbers, only met up through messaging on tinder. He also is out of town and wanted to hang out when he got back, but I have a very strong feeling he’s just looking for a friends with benefits situation. I do not have the benefits people typically are searching for. On tinder, at least.
the interesting part from all of this is that I think people are genuinely shocked at how well the conversation goes, based on the fact that their expectations are so dismally low for tinder, that they’re genuinely just happy for the conversation and not really expecting anything else. I’m interested to see how long people are content with that. My guess is 2nd date being the cut-off, which doesn’t make it too different in comparison to OkCupid in that regard.
#3: Man oh man. I don’t even know where to begin for this one. Ended up being a strange Christmas Eve/ Christmas morning for sure. 10 pm dinner, followed by conversation that lasted until 6 am. Needless to say, it was a long night. Interesting, for sure, but also I feel like my guard should be raised and stay that way for an indeterminate amount of time, just based off the conversation topics/ content discussed.
Great guy, intelligent, good humor, easy to talk to. the impression I got from the whole thing was that he’s super sexual and hasn’t had the best track record in relationships, both of which things are completely fine, just not entirely up my alley. I’m interested to see if he follows through with texting me about hanging out again, which was mentioned when I was leaving, but I also know he was pretty aware of the amount of information he divulged to me that night, which I think he was slightly worried about, due to not really knowing how I was processing it all. I’m definitely just going to ride it out and see what he does.
Alright. All caught up. And for the sake of some informational tid-bit that isn’t just shit going on in my life, if you’re looking to send some gift to some person in your life and you have absolutely no idea what to get, or you happen to know just how much they love chocolate, coupled with if you have roughly 50 bucks to drop, recchiuti’s black box is a pretty solid decision. See picture for reference on the prime choice of cocoa.
That’s all I’ve got. I’m out.
Avoiding priorities via Tinder
This is bad. Tinder is still installed on my phone and being actively used. This is so bad that it has resulted in a meet up slated for tomorrow at 6ish. Shit like this always ends up happening.
I just thought of a great social experiment though, make my profile description read, “New Year’s resolution: delete Tinder.” I have a pretty strong assumption that the number of conversations resulting in a phone number will increase, while the number of messages it takes to get to that point, decrease. Let’s pretend this doesn’t sound like the psych research paper.
Profile update complete. Watch and weep.
I was supposed to go out with PT and CB tonight. I’m such a let down though and fell asleep promptly after one episode of a show. I’m terrible. I’ll figure out how to make it up to them at some point. Like making dinner one of these nights when I somehow am able to harness the ability to create time, or just use my slow cooker. That might be a better option.
My very good friend from high school, CM, is coming up in January to visit, which I’m super excited for. I need to make sure I’m not working that weekend. In the mean time though, Christmas with MB should be great. The next two weeks at work are only 3 day work weeks, which will be super nice, seeming it’s been so busy lately.
I’ll have a full report on how this tinder meet up goes tomorrow. Wish me luck, or rather, don’t. It might be better if it goes terribly.
Not Sleeping
So here we are. Gathered over the internet. Reading over the same material. As much as I love my computer, the keyboard is far too sensitive and frequently double types letters, which makes for bad situations when spellcheck thinks it’s fine if I said “ass” instead of “as” in a formal email to a professional. That’s not the point of this post though. That’s only a humorous disclaimer in case it happens.
The point is it’s almost 11pm, aka when I should be in REM sleep, when I should be at Agate Alley with friends, when I should NOT be in my abode typing in the dark on my laptop. All these conflicting things to say that: I need to wake up early tomorrow, which is why I didn’t go out tonight. So much for that. Regardless, this needed to happen. I’ve thought about this too many times for it not to happen.
Here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to make this public. I’m going to tell two people. Two friends. Two amazing humans. These two people, RG and BH, can proceed to do as they wish. Fill whoever they want in on this. Also, everyone will be referred to by initials. I’m making this up as I go if that wasn’t clear.
I’m still figuring out what I’ll talk about. How candid I can really be, knowing that people I know will be potentially reading. I’ve always been weird about that. But I think I’m just going to let it happen. Type whatever the hell I want and not think twice about it, or how someone reading it will interpret it. The plan is to talk about some meaningful things in terms of educational stuff, like what I’m reading (hint: lots of academic articles, webinars, etc), mixed with completely random life stuff, like the stupid shit I’m doing on tinder, or the super deep conversations I have at cornbread cafe, yep, that’s you, RG.
All that to say, I think this is the start of something beautiful.