Chelsea's been dead for years.

Some drunk bitch has been wearing her skin.

[whatwasurname]

I think so much of my unhappiness in my relationships doesn’t stem from not loving the person, it’s the deep desire I have to leave this town. I have felt like I never really made it because I’m still in my home town. I kept waiting for a man to want to leave with me. To work towards it with me but when I start to realize they have no desire to take the steps towards getting out with me, I become angry and lash out. Maybe I just need to go out into the world on my own and just be with me. Maybe that’s when I’ll find the right person for me. When I shed all the things that weigh me down and heal all the parts of me that have been hurting. Maybe I could even come back to this place someday and not hate it. I think I’m going to take that equity out and take steps towards leaving. If Marc and I are meant to be it will all work out but I think that’s what I need to focus on. This place has felt like poison to me ever since I was a kid. I just need to make my own dreams come true.

[whatwasurname]

The dreams are starting again. I vividly experienced the death of my mom. The house was burning down and she was impaled by one of the trees falling into the house as they burned down. My dad didn’t tell me or do anything about it and she died. I didn’t find out until the next day and we found out that if he had done something maybe she could have survived. I was so angry at him. I fought so hard against the fires and he did absolutely nothing to try and save her. Maybe this is part of my own childhood trauma. Maybe his complacency in my mom falling apart and leaving is why I’ve been so mad at him.

[whatwasurname]

I think I know what to do. I can’t heal in the same environment that hurt me. I crave a quiet calm happy life and I can’t ever feel at peace at Davinci. There’s so much pain wrapped up in that place, I think it’s why my body reacted the way it did today. Every cell in my body screamed don’t go, I started convulsing just at the thought of being there. I have to walk away. I’ve wanted to for so long but I was always too scared. I want to work some place I can feel at peace and the high stress and anger and pain that comes with dealing with drunks every week is killing me. I’m tired of drinking because I’m so unhappy with my life. All I wanted was a peaceful happy life with Marc away from all that chaos but I think what I really need to do to ever achieve something like that is to just leave. Take some time to heal and find a place that suits the life I’ve been craving. Maybe it’s a coffee shop, or a brewery, or even going back to tattooing and truly focusing on achieving that without any distractions. I’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow but I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain of what I need to do. I think I need to just walk away and be scared enough to find something better for me. I’ll be okay no matter what happens, but nothing will change unless I take that leap.

[whatwasurname]

This is it. This is what I was so afraid of. Feeling like I’m losing my mind and not being able to maintain my life. Laying in bed paralyzed, calling out of work for the first time in ten years because I can’t stop shaking just thinking about talking to people. This is what I was running from. I was holding on to Marc so hard because he’s the reason I got through this last time, why I didn’t fall to pieces. I’ve been running from this since Brett. I kept a death grip on Marc because I knew I would completely fall to pieces without him so now it feels like I’m feeling the pain of two break ups. I can’t run to him and have him make me feel better because it’s just hurting him now. I’ve always been the one poisoning him because I was so afraid to just go through this I held onto him and bled all over him. I didn’t create a bond out of genuine love, I was addicted. I needed him like a fix so that I wouldn’t have to feel this pain. I did grow to love him even more than brett but now he wants to leave because I’ve been holding him back, dragging him down with this kind of love. Love based on fear. I know we need to take time apart, I can rationalize all of it but it feels like I’m going through withdrawals. He was there to make sure I ate and hold me when I was falling apart and now I have to figure out how to do it all on my own. I feel like I’m literally dying. I think that’s why I’m so angry at Brett too. He did the work and healed so now he can be happy with his new life and I can’t truly be happy in mine because I never did the hard healing. I just buried it in my new relationship and it’s been rotting it from the inside out. I can’t fix it and I can’t escape this, and it feels like I’m going to die but I know it will get better. It has too. I don’t want to lose what I could have with Marc..honestly I think I’ve been running from this pain since my first love. When he was taken from me I felt like I never mattered and it crushed me. So I never dated men for genuine love, I used them as a distraction from that pain and would always leave a man with another one lined up so I never had to feel this pain.

[whatwasurname]

Today I was washing my favorite wine glass that I have been so careful with for so long and I broke it in my hands. It felt like a terrible metaphor for what I am experiencing right now. I have broken my relationship because I cant control my own grip on things. I wasn’t gentle enough so I broke the fragile thing I was holding. I did that to Marc the night before and now I think he might hate me. I sat their for a moment and thought we’ll there’s nothing that I can do to repair this so I just have to throw it away. As much as I didn’t want to let it go, my own pain and suffering destroyed what I love so much. I have no one to blame but myself, so I had to discard it. He wants me to let him go and I’m griping so hard it’s breaking him. I have to learn how to be gentle again and I know I can’t do that through smashing everything around me. I want to because I feel like my heart is shattering but no good can come from that and I know it. I have to let everything go. Throw it all away and start over..

[dertvader]

[self-aware-alien]

[loyaltyy]

@mila.off

[lovingrot]

if shes your girl then why is she using me as ritual sacrifice

[crtastrophe]

the lover(s)

[sustancy]

[whatwasurname]

I’ve had some very unsettling realizations this past week as Marc’s trip comes to an end. The past weekend we got into an argument that kind of opened up a huge can of worms for me. We had a conversation that sounded a lot like a break up to me and sent me on this journey of what that would mean and I started seeing a familiar pattern unfold. I immediately wanted to shut down my feelings for him and paint him as the bad guy in my head, that he wants to leave me because he’s having a better time away from me probably flirting with women behind my back and all sorts of radical assumptions rose up inside of me. I started seeking attention unconsciously from other men, casually in conversations and in brief interactions. I started dressing up and soaking in whatever male gaze I could pull to make myself feel better. I started to realize I was seeking out male validation in place of my boyfriend because I felt like my relationship was threatened and I was immediately trying to cover up those negative feelings with outside attention. I also had a revelation as I’d sat at issues one night picturing myself as a single woman, that at no point in the night did I care if Brett walked in. It was as if he and everything suddenly didn’t matter anymore. I started to recognize these things unfolding inside me and decided to really sit with these feelings like I was told to do in therapy. Rather than run from them or suppress them, I wanted to view them as pieces of me that I have had for my entire life that I’ve never really understood. So I finally kind of realized a few things.. I think that all that pain and guilt that I haven’t been able to let go of with Brett lives within my relationship with Marc. I think I hold on to it still to this day because it’s apart of our relationship. I jumped into things with Marc far too soon and made him deal with the aftermath of that relationship with me and I believe it now lives within our bond. I think it has been destroying us from the start, we walk around with this feeling that he’s the other man, the guy who stole me and even though I don’t think anyone outside of us really cares, we have branded ourselves and I’m not so sure leaving Deland will take all of that away. Next, seeking out male validation when I feel unwanted in a relationship is exactly what drove me into the arms of Marc and every man before him. I have always had this need to be wanted and needed by men and when I feel like that fades I look for new energy sources, because that’s what it feels like. It’s driven me my whole life from one man to the next and I’ve never truly found happiness in myself because I’ve been so distracted by my need for men to love me.

And I finally realized today where it all comes from. As I found out today that I do in fact have half sisters out in the world, I asked my dad if he was going to have a relationship with his new daughters? And he said he didn’t really care to, it didn’t matter to him…

[whatwasurname]

I have a hero and a villain complex. I want to burn down the world while also wanting to save everyone from the fire.

[whatwasurname]

I think I’m finally seeing that the people around me aren’t necessarily the reason for the way I feel but that the lens in which I see them is the cause. I think I may have struggled with depression most of my life and it has had its moments where I’ve had it under control and others where it’s taken over. The events of my life have brought me up and down but the shift in my thoughts are what really dictates how I feel. I’m finally seeing what control they’ve had over me and that it’s always been in my head. Depression is really my only enemy..

[whatwasurname]

I just realized that I’m so terrified of driving because I’m not afraid of my driving, I’m afraid of others. I’m still haunted by the screams of the woman who was simply driving down the road with her loved one and someone else’s bad driving took everything away from her..

[whatwasurname]

It’s been great lately getting the space I need from my ex to heal what’s left from the experience. I’ve been able to think clearer without the massive amounts of alcohol my body has been forced to process these past two years. Cutting out liquor has had a significant effect on my mental health, and I feel like my anger has subsided quite a bit. I know that I can’t ignore the hurt i felt and the damage he’s caused since the break up but it’s getting easier to move on from it the more I speak out and be honest with others. I held so much inside that I just felt like I was boiling up, and I had to contain it so that no one had to feel uncomfortable or weird but it was really killing me instead. I’ve noticed that a lot of what was making me so angry all the time just feels kind of silly now. I still have so much love for Brett but it’s not the same anymore really, I just want to get to a place where I can truly be happy for him because I do worry about his well being. I’ve had to let go of a lot of that and maybe that’s where a lot of that anger was stemming from too. I felt like everyone was just enabling him and he was influencing my long time friend and I honestly just worried about their well being. I’ve been so worried about drugs taking over the people I love since Hannah died and I just wanted to protect them all, but I guess I’m finally accepting that I just can’t. I have to live my life and try and be better for myself and others and not let it drag me down. One of my biggest regrets in life was turning my back on Hannah and I guess I’ve been afraid that leaving him would result in the same consequences so maybe I was holding on in some way. I’ve been trying to cut this emotional tie this whole time but I think maybe that’s not the right way to go about it. I think once I love someone I will always love them, I just have to accept that they weren’t what I needed to be happy in life and let them go. I can’t change people or make them be better, but I damn sure gave it my all and that’s what I need to be okay with. I loved with all my heart and fought for these people but I can’t let myself drown with them. Sometimes I feel like my heart is crowded with all the people I loved so much but maybe that makes me lucky. I guess if I look at it as I’m fortunate to have loved so much and just be okay with letting people in and giving away my love without expecting anything in return, I’ll be happier maybe. Maybe I won’t hurt so much if I just stop expecting all my love to be returned to me...

[whatwasurname]

I dated my ex because I wanted to be with the cool guy. I’m dating Marc because I wanted a partner in life. It’s funny how one day you just wake up and your priorities in life just completely flip on you.