Here’s a short post I was asked to share with my Hyphen group’s social media account. It’s not my whole story, not is it conveyed the way I originally wanted, but it’s something I wanted to share. I hope all of you enjoy reading it.
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (KJV)
It was a warm summer evening. I was walking with my friends, we were laughing and having fun. It was a Thursday, youth night. We were walking to promote an upcoming service, and handing out cards with the basic information for that service. As we walked down the road, we pass the neighborhood pool, and we turn right.
"Whoa, that's an interesting house. Look! Their chairs are all different colors!" Excited, I volunteered to go up there and put the card by their door. As I turn to walk down the steps, I hear someone shouting something, I look up.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Oh, hi!" I answer excitedly, thinking this would be a great opportunity to be a witness, "we're just passing out some cards."
The older man comes closer to me, until he is standing in front of me.
"Um, we're just passing out cards for our upcoming church service." I respond confused, slightly stuttering, but still enthusiastic.
"Why are you doing that? What makes you think it's okay to do that?" standing over me, the man begins to yell, "Do you see me going around forcing my religion on you? I'm not going around, trying to force my religion on other people! What makes you think you should be doing the same?"
“But I certainly felt sick. Throughout all the anxieties of my childhood, I’d never experienced anything remotely like this. And not just any mental illness. Not some romantic melancholy or discrete phobia. What it felt like was that I had been suddenly afflicted with a kind of diluted strain of paranoid psychosis, as if my head had been stripped bare so that everything----all stimuli, all perception, all information, all thought----was a grave danger, an assault on consciousness itself”
-Monkey Mind (Daniel Smith 2012)
In this moment, I was being verbally attacked for doing something completely innocent, and I was unable to defend myself. I stood there, at the age of 12, getting yelled at by a stranger for leaving a piece of paper on his doormat. Standing there, on the verge of tears, internally screaming for someone to come and help me, to save me from this man. This stranger who decided it was okay to scream and swear at a child.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” (KJV)
That evening was my personal walk through the valley. With the memory of that evening suppressed, I believed it was normal to live in this constant excessive fear. Previously in my life, I had dealt with many terrible things, like many children in our world. But nothing really affected me like this moment did. I was shy, and quiet, and often hid behind my mother when someone would try talking to me, but again, this was the moment that changed my life. I didn’t realize I had anxiety until a couple of years ago, I had to think back on when I first started feeling afraid. Afraid of what seemed to be the most random occasions. For example, I avoided religious or political discussions in high school because I was afraid of my peers yelling at me. Even the thought of arguing terrified me, and caused me to start sweating, shaking, becoming short of breath, and having my heart beat faster than normal.
As I get older, and I become more independent, I have realized that I have more symptoms, and they are more extreme than they were a few years ago. I believe it is simply because I am no longer as dependent on my mother, and I have to protect myself from the things that may randomly occur everyday, even as a person of faith.
For so long, I tried to understand why it was so hard for me to do what everyone else was doing, and not only in my school, but also in my church. I tried to reason with God, and I tried to understand why He would make me feel as if someone were going to murder me if I simply said I was a Christian. It wasn’t until later that I realized that it is okay that I am living with this, so long as I do not forget why I am living with this. As I thought and meditated on these problems, I came to the understanding that this is something that I need to live with, however, I need to continue to believe that God is able to heal my mind whenever he wants, and I cannot believe that it is not possible, nor is it something that I can control.
Nobody truly understands what goes on in each individual’s lives. Often, people try to pretend that they know what our innermost thoughts are, so they try to find ways to comfort us. And sometimes the things they say are helpful and meaningful. Other times their advice make things worse, and occasionally, there is that one person who truly relates to your situation, and is able to help you in ways you could never imagine.
“… Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” (KJV)
There are people who have been fortunate enough to overcome their fears and anxieties, especially through their faith in God. This, however is not always the case for everyone, and that is okay. We may continue to have anxieties, but with our faith in God we can overcome the fears. As previously mentioned, I still live with these fears in my everyday life. Some days are worse than others, but even though I am dealing with these anxieties, I know that when I clear my mind and focus on God, things tend to become easier for me. Our life goals are to serve and obey God’s word, and sometimes we need to be patient and understand that our daily struggles are often the things that help us grow as individuals, and allow us to be an example to others.
@destyni-is-me (look I wrote a thing!)
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blakekathryn
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