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4:00AM: April 3rd After thinking about this for a very long time, I have decided to abandon this blog. It is a personal decision of mine. I will no longer be posting here, in an attempt to remind myself not to take steps backwards. You will no longer hear from me. I can do better all by myself.

Do good, make something better. Today I visited my homeowners in OC to pay rent. They have this huge mansion in HB and they invited me to come inside for tea. It was really a weird experience, but I'm always open because older Asian people have an expectation of the younger generation, and it requires a lot of patience to deal with it. It was really a culture shock. I was sitting in this crazy mansion sipping on some extremely expensive tea on a premium Chinese tea set, and I had barely enough money to pay rent. They were telling me stories of back in the day and reminding me to make something of myself. I smiled and nodded. "Become a pharmacist" "Do not settle for less" Sometimes I think about it, really. I was sitting in their livingroom thinking about my aunts and uncles and all the money they probably racked in over the years. How they must enjoy their tea. And how we spend every single waking moment of our lives fighting to be better. On the way out, I saw a man by HB high school. He was sitting in the ground beside an old bike. He only had a hat lying on the floor with some change in it. So I got into my car, took a sharp uturn, and pulled over beside him. In my "emergency gas fund" I had a grand total of three dollars. In my pockets, 32 cents. Lol. So I walked myself over to him and dropped everything I had into his hat. I also grabbed a water bottle from my car and left it at his feet. He mumbled something, I think he said, "God bless you." So I smiled, nodded, and walked back to my car. I left the house this morning with $2,403.32. I'm driving home empty handed. But with a heart that's full. People come from all walks of life. You work hard, you make things better for yourself. You give as much as you've got. Maybe someday I'll amount to something. Maybe someday I'll be better.

meanplastic

Continue to move forward, even after you’ve taken a few steps back.

Today was my first day in the Pharmacy, and I think it really wore me out this morning. I came home more than exhausted.

Lately I’ve been going through these stages of “life’s too short, keep moving forward” and “I wonder if you’re taking care of yourself these days.”

It’s a constant struggle and I’m starting to think maybe I pushed myself too hard too fast.

But then I sit myself down and remind myself:

I am not a bad person because I joined a sorority.

I do not need to put my dreams on hold for someone else.

I can attend pharmacy school without feeling guilty about it.

I am worth the time and effort, despite the distance.

I am good enough.

You just didn’t see me in that light.

ruinedchildhood

April Fools!

I see no difference

I know I stopped writing and I went to Yosemite, but I want to hold myself accountable so I'm sharing this list of goals. Today I'm changing the first one to one cry a day. Because lately, it seems like I am wasting precious time and energy at night crying. I have to take care of myself so I can make something of myself. I have to learn from all of this and become a better version of myself. So the new additions: at least 10,000 steps a day (so I'll be forced to get up and out of bed), Save $$$ (5g is the goal, because that's probably how much I will be spending to apply to pharm school), and maintain my car. The last one is important because I mean mechanically and aesthetically. My car is the most expensive thing I have. It's the only asset I have to my name. I never really thought much of it because I always just thought if a vehicle works, I'm happy. But not too long ago I spent almost $1,000 on repairs, and it's for my own safety. I drive so often and so much that I really rely on this car, and it's the only car I'm going to have for a really long time.. so I have to take care of it. I'm going to make a habit of keeping it cleaned, too. Because I hate when passengers get into my car and trash it because they think it's already dirty so I don't care. No, my car might be dusty but I didn't leave used tissues and half-full drinks lying around everywhere. Cmon people. I start my first day in the pharmacy Friday, and Spring Quarter on Monday. I'm going to be okay.

I have a problem with people who are raised as ignorant little shits and choose to stay an ignorant little shit.

Like, okay, you say your parents raised you to be a certain way, right? Fine, so did mine.

My dad used to tell me that if the dishes weren’t clean, the house wasn’t mopped, the laundry wasn’t done: guess what?

I would grow up to be a terrible wife. No man would ever love me.

My mom used to say gay people have a mental disability.

You have to be extra careful around them.

“Gay is contagious.”

So I grew up probably a little bit ignorant as fuck.

I didn’t necessarily believe that being gay was a disease, but I’m sure I did see people as “different”.

But the difference is this:

I chose to learn. I chose to educate myself, to experience and learn.

I chose to try not to be an ignorant little fuck.

AND RELIGION BTW IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE AN IGNORANT LITTLE FUCK.

Moral of the story: treat people like human beings. Don't blame your parents for your lack of morals. And stop being an ignorant little fuck.

I'm so freaking exhausted. Please put me out of my misery.

A field of flowers ft the melody mobile

Yosemite

Today I found out I'm afraid of heights. Kind of.

I feel like talking about it is the first step in moving forward, right? Because I've been telling people lately. And it's very unlike me to let people in, but maybe it's being on this trip surrounded by people who want better for me. Maybe it's the realization that on the grand scale of things, I am so small. I have moved so much in my lifetime. People have forgotten about me all the time. Maybe it's not the end of the world, Because maybe this time I found friends who will stay. (Besides you, Ohana. Y'all are for life.)

Actual candid photo

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