My blog is very personal to me and its been a while since I've been inspired to write. I've missed putting my profound thoughts down. It was initially to document my traveling experience and the amazing experiences, people and places I visited. It was cathartic thing for me and a huge positive in my life and if it was read by others and touched their lives then I'd made a small change in making the world a better place. I'm one of life's thinkers and always willing to try and lean. I've recently had some thinking time. The emphasis of this blog is about to change from travels to positive change in my life and the way I develop and reinvent myself. The last week or so, believe it or not, once you read on has been a real driver for positive change in my life. This time last week I had the most challenging day of my life so far. The pain was intense and I've not cried for so long and hard in all my life. Not the pain you might imagine but I has hurting so much. It was emotional pain like nothing I've felt before, hard to explain. The rawness has gone so I feel in a better place to put it down as I never never want to go there again. I'd have struggled to have tell you my name and I was in a very dark place with no glimmer of light. I've been on the edge since Christmas and tried lots of things to improve my situation including very useful resilience training at work. I thought I'd cracked it but obviously hadn't. I'd just come back from holiday and to look at I'd got a slight rust from a week in the lakes and people were saying how well I looked. Then everything came crashing down metaphorically I'd jumped back onto an already running treadmill. It was going much faster than when I'd left a week ago and I fell off and bumped my head with spectacular style, severe concussion most likely. I was so overwhelmed and could not hold the tears back. I was in the middle of something very important and just had to leave the room. A sensible HR colleague with obvious insight thankfully told me what to do. I'd have struggled to tell most people my name and goodness knows how I got home. I was super critical of myself and blaming myself for doing what I thought at the time was unforgivable. How could I ever go back to work and what must people have thought of me that I'd passed on my way home. It took a while to compose myself and ring the Dr as I'd been told to do. Still in floods of tears the receptionist at the surgery was caring and sympathetic and arranged for the dr on call to ring me back as there were no appointments for 2 weeks. I felt like such an idiot I wasn't really sick was I? The call was prompt and I was asked to attend later that day. All I could think about was I didn't want to cry in front of the dr. The appointment was an interesting discussion and I finally realised I wasn't very well and reluctantly had to accept that I needed to be signed of work as sick. I explained I'd got lots of important that needed doing and she clearly and calmly explained that I was the number one priority and I needed to get better. A diagnosis of work related stress, oh joy. I think this was somewhat of a turning point from me. I was given the title of a book to buy and that I needed to work with occupational health to get me well. Don't ask me where it came from, I don't really know but I vowed to bake myself better. Perhaps it was Mary Berry or Mel & Sue? Who cares everyone loves cake. I bought a baking book called surprisingly bake yourself happy. I also bought the talking book of Depressive Illness - the curse of the strong. I'm glad I got the talking book as quite frankly I was in no state to read a book, it would have got very damp with all the tears anyway. I baked my first cake and started to listen to the book. I proactively contacted work and did what I could to start my recovery. I've learned a lot and I'm sure there is more to come. I'd got a physical illness and if I'd got a broken leg I'd have a plaster cast. My head was in need of recovery from the constant state of been on the edge. At first I'd thought what a strange title for a book. I thought I'd been weak for ending up in this sorry blubbering state. Turns out I'm amazingly strong, far to strong and everytime I'd dusted myself down and picked myself up had its part to play in my illness. I was in good company including Winston Churchill to name just one. I shared the following personal characteristics; moral strength, reliability, diligence, strong conscious, strong sense of responsibility, focus on the needs of others before my own, sensitivity, vulnerable to criticism and self esteem dependent on the evaluation of others. In simple I'd been working at 150% for far too long and it had taken its toll. I needed to put thing in place to protect my personality traits. It's time to put me first and make a change that hopefully I can maintain. My parents were extremely supportive along with work colleagues, with mixed reviews from friend. The rawness you'll be glad to hear has reduced but there is the odd moment where I've been tearful. I've not really felt like doing much and recuperation time is advised my the Dr. This had been hard to accept and I've found it hard. Getting out of bed has been a struggle and I've had bad days and good. Today is my best day so far and suppose why I'm compelled to start to write about my recovery. I have managed to leave the house before but today felt like facing the world and went for a coffee and cake in town. I couldn't be bothered to bake today so took the easy option, you can't really go wrong with chocolate brownie. This evening I managed to take a yoga class and came out beaming. Fingers crossed the sparkle has started to return to my eyes. I plan to bake again soon and when my new book arrives there will be new recipes to try. Baking is therapy and good for the sole. I enjoy it and hopefully the people I share cake with do too. I plan to be back leading my life to the full very soon, my life will be enriched for the valuable lessons I've just learned. Keeping doing the things you love, lean to say no and of course importantly KEEP BAKING.
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