A Contradiction in Mind and Body

Hello. Follow if you will. There's nothing much to this blog.

[whichisntmuch-blog]

[damn-kiwi]

if you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple

[iamtheoneking]

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Me

[whichisntmuch-blog]

[remvstered]

[lulz-time]

mrs-obsessive:

perf.

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11.17.13

I don't think I've ever really gotten depressed. I'll be sad or angry for a few hours but its held too long. When it does I usually don't feel it anymore I just think about it. I do know that some times it takes a different path which is like how I am right now. A weird indescribable, mellow feeling. I know I'm already a calm quiet person but i guess i can be even more quiet. I'm not mopey. I also somehow lose track of why I'm sad some times. I don't even know if I'm mad or irritated. I'm just here. Bottled up.

[whichisntmuch-blog]

I haven't made a post since January. It was a nice good year. It's almost september already. That summer break just makes Jan-May feel like forever ago. I'm back for a reason though.. life..

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Suddent change, next day I feel amazing. Weird. Maybe yesterday was just one of those days.

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Jan 29

No read more on mobile, fuck it. There's just so many coicidences this year and it's barely been a few weeks in. Over the weekend till now my minds been bothering me and I can't escape the thoughts. I'm surprised I didnt cry more than once. I had the sudden urge to get out today, outta Menifee. Usually I don't because gas or time or just feeling lazy. But today I was willing to go. Yet I can't, I only have a few hours before picking them up. If only I was at SDSU right now, every thing would be so different. I wouldn't be all mopey, i'd have friends to keep me company. I would get to go out when I wanted. Probably have at least a small part time job. No, I'm in Menifee bored sad and cursed with a facebook full of people always enjoying themselves. The year have only begun yet I feel like I've been stressing for like ever. Trying to keep busy isn't really easy, I tried putting my phone aside to concentrate on homework or chores but I keep checking it even when there's nothing to reply to. Conversations die fast, or they're busy. How were we even friends? I guess my last resort is working out. Even then it hurts emotionally because it seems everyone is taking their weight into consideration and actually doing something about it but for some god damn reason I can't. Maybe that's why I haven't been online a lot, because I don't need to. I don't need to see what people are doing on fb. But I want to, makes me feel like I'm apart of something. You win and lose right?

[whichisntmuch-blog]

Usually when I laugh at something hilariously I can only watch it like once or two more times before I just sit there. Same thing with crying. When I listened to Lullaby a few months ago I bawled my eyes out. Then the time after that I teared up listening to it. I avoided it completely and now I can listen to it without any feelings, it doesn't feel right. Last night I was reading an old text message I saved to my folders on my phone and it made me start crying..badly. I just wonder how many times it'll take for it to stop.

[whichisntmuch-blog]

Oct 26

Leah came over around 7 so we could scan her pictures which didn't save in the end. Kathy wasn't allowed to sleep over. I'm so mentally tired right now. Gonna go bed

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Merhemeraskdfsox feels..

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Sept 29

Family drama just made me not miss SD as much

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Sept 27

Stupid tumblr app wouldn't let me sign in last night.. I left the itouch at school charging and freaked out so i drove all the way back. Everyone had left but the class was unlocked, felt soo creepy. The itouch was still there hiding behind the rocks, thank goodness >__<

Yesterday I had the 2 classes I didn't mind going to. I wasn't lonely till last night though. Today is thursday already. Jeez.

I look at it like, eh only 5 days a week. Then, ugh I have to wait 2 weeks? But also so many hours in a day DX

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Sept 24

Last night he slept over. Yay~ Well more like he-was-too-tired-to-drive-back-to-cbu-so-he-just-rested-here. It was still nice to wake up knowing he was there. But after he left I took a nap and had a wave of depression hit me. I didn't even feed Sophie till I went to pick the kids up. 

[whichisntmuch-blog]

Sept 20

Go to sleep happy, wake up depressed.. Go to sleep crying, wake up fine? Sleep is a strange thing

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Sept 17

Yesterday was Sept 16. Happy one year~

I woke up this morning (it's 12:30 right now) and I did not feel good one bit. I told myself I was gonna do better. I haven't yet. I was thinking "Marielle leaves today, same with the UC kids. I still don't have a job.. I have all this homework already..I want this semester to be over with, or at least easier." I know I can do it. But I don't wanna. I honestly would rather be working right now than doing homework. But that ain't gonna happen with my parents. I know I know.. 

What else what else.. Stephen came over for awhile like last week. He's not gonna visit this weekend :p