That moment you want to post cool new content, but don't really have any...
Claire Keane
Xuebing Du

izzy's playlists!
taylor price
noise dept.
KIROKAZE
One Nice Bug Per Day
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Doug Jones
Game of Thrones Daily
The Bowery Presents
hello vonnie
Keni

Kiana Khansmith
YOU ARE THE REASON
Mike Driver
NASA
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pixel skylines
art blog(derogatory)
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@whiland
That moment you want to post cool new content, but don't really have any...
Warframe: Loki is a Dick
For those of you who don't know, a Warframe is essentially a suit of semi-biomechanical armor that has a set of abilities on it. Loki is the trickster Warframe, and excels at distraction, evasion, and trolling. No, I did not make that last one up. He can make decoys that distract enemies, go invisible, switch teleport, and disarm enemies of projectile weapons within a certain radius. All of these things combined make one fucked up little cookie, providing the user has a boatload of imagination, and I usually can't fall asleep because of my imagination.
Alright, when I was making The Ninja's Worst Fear, I asked my friend what kinda memes we had created in our group around Warframe, to which he responded that ninjas are allergic to light, hence the laser walls hurt them, the Grineer roller balls, and elevators. Elevators. Long story short, some elevators are really fucking long, and if someone takes off without you or rushes ahead of the group, they are on their own for quite a while and could die, but usually have to wait a long-ass time for the elevator to return. Remember that term, Switch Teleport? It's exactly what it sounds like, where you swap positions with your target, enemy or friendly. To mess with people, all you have to do is switch teleport with someone on the elevator that you don't like, and then start it up while waving and smiling at them, with lots of diabolical laughter.
One big example of this was during a public mission, where we had 4 people, and 2 were lagging behind. I and another guy were in the elevator, and he made it go while blaming me for it. Using my mystical powers of superdickery, I started the elevator when he walked out, switch ported him back in, and sent his ass back up to get the rest of them. The dickery went on from there as I died after switch porting, and forfeited the mission, not wanting to waste one of my limited resurrections for the day, or to help the other guy accomplish any of his goals by getting loot from the boss. Well, being one man short fucked them hard that day, as the boss slaughtered them, and I laughed my ass off.
Another thing I've noticed is that while in elevators, if you switch port with someone while it's traveling, the way the game registers the movement, the other player moves underneath the elevator, meaning that the game teleports them back to where they got on the elevator. At this point in writing this, I am laughing at the time I figured this little tidbit out completely on accident, and how no one even batted an eye at it and just kept on with the mission.
To make things better, you can even piss off other Lokis by switch porting on their decoys while they attempt to do it, resulting in botched teleporting goodness, and someone being sent to the Phantom Zone along side General Zod. Remember that when another Loki is playing, you need to ignore any and all other objectives, as screwing with him is your new goal, similar to the shamans of Transformice.
Now that you have a firm grasp on how much of an asshole Loki is with switch porting, lets move on to decoys. Loki can make a holographic decoy of himself which diverts the focus of most enemies, and they attack the decoy until it dies or they die from having sharp objects stuck into them while distracted by the decoy. The decoy is a solid object that players and enemies can't pass through, and can be put just about anywhere you can think of, and best of all, you can switch port with it. Hilarity ensues when you teleport into places you shouldn't be and fuck over your group, block friendly fire from enemies, and drag over horrible enemies that like aura and area of effect attacks. Just remember that you can only have one decoy at a time, and if you make another decoy, the previous one dies before the new one exists.
Remember those laser walls from the last story? Well, they only come from one side of the doorway, and your decoy can actually block it and leave an opening in the beams. Cue ditching the team when they proceed with camera shenanigans, or even leaving them stranded while provoking a camera several rooms away.
These two things, separate and combined, are the reasons Loki is the biggest dick of any game, and subsequently the reason he is the most FUN Warframe to play in the game. The thing is that most players don't do this stuff, as most players stop using Loki in favor of the damage heavy Warframes that you find after the start of the game.
And before anyone starts calling me an asshole troll who only fucks over his team, the best thing about these abilities is that they can actually be used for even greater benefit to your team than for hindering them, just by switching which side you want to screw over. Switch teleport can be used to move downed teammates to safer positions while getting you closer into combat, or maneuvering teammates around into the thick of combat or sniper roosts. Decoy is a great tank, as he never complains about the shit getting beat out of him, and for 25 energy the boss is now not shooting you or you buddies and holding still attacking a silhouette of light.
All of these reasons pretty much cement Loki as my favorite Warframe, as he has the right balance of dickery and utility that can make or break the team in late game missions. Just don't be too horribly surprised if your Loki teammate focuses more heavily on the latter than the former...
I just got the whole joke behind Gwydolin and the Darkmoon Blades creation in Dark Souls.
Let me just say, "In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!"
New story incoming in a little bit.
Warframe: The Ninja's Worst Fear
Hey, look! Two stories in one day!
I've been playing Warframe a lot lately, and I have but one thing to say. Go watch Naruto. No, I'm serious, this is going to be one of the few times I would advocate watching anything pre-Shippuden.
Alright, you're back, now what did you see as the 'ninjas' worst challenge? Was it a stronger opponent, the path he chose in life? Perhaps it was himself and his struggle with inner troubles with who he is?
Mount & Blade: Naked Spearmen
=)
2 days until my Trinity Warframe is complete, and i now know Skydrive can auto-correct my sleep deprived stories. More stories soon.
...huh
Wow, I haven't posted in ages... I need to get off my lazy ass and do something...
Roof & Barn: With Musket and Spear
Fuck Fields.
I'm currently playing The Last Stand: Dead Zone, and my scavenger has been fondling my ass while we search through debris.
"Removing Junk" indeed.
OMG PAGE BREAKS
Everyone needs to go check out www.tetrapony.com and thank him for teaching me about page breaks!
Now no more wall of text on my pages!
I'm going to be unable to post the second story I missed since I kept getting distracted all day, so I'll just do a double post on Friday.
To tide you over until then, here are pictures of my Mount & Blade character, Genocidicles, in all his alien glory and splendor.
Every time you read anything by me related to Mount & Blade, just imagine this pudgy, angry bastard in assorted authentic armors shooting people in the shins and dying horribly.
Taste My Wooden Justice!
Hooray! A Mount and Blade story!
ok im really scared
ok seriously omg wow
i’m legitimately scared
what’s going on
I’m pee.
i’m scared
i give you a hamburger
I STILL DON’T HAVE A HAMBURGER
I would say something if I could say something, but only pickles jiggle from my lips as a badger nods its head disapprovingly.
I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING
The burrito I am about to eat was bought two days ago, has traveled with us over 500 miles, and is finally about to be devoured. That is all until next story.
Poor, Unfortunate Sniper
For those who don't know, this is a somewhat gimmicky, and I'll try to keep the explanation as to why somewhat brief. The Degreaser is a flamethrower that does less direct damage and less burn damage to opponents who are burning, but allows a 65% quicker weapon switch. The Reserve Shooter is a shotgun with half the normal magazine size, but allows critical hits on airborne targets three seconds after being drawn, and allows a 15% quicker weapon switch. The Axtinguisher, a fire axe wrapped with barbed wire, does critical damage to players on fire, while doing pathetic damage to those that aren't.
The set basically allows you to puff someone to set them on fire, and in the next half second deal a 150 damage critical hit from the axtinguisher. This is in a game where majority of classes have a maximum health of 150 or less, and the highest unbuffed health or a class is 300. This setup is UNBELIEVABLE in melee combat, cutting swathes through your foes, and being able to suppress most melee combatants with little trouble.
Being mostly melee and a little mean-spirited, I spent most of my time slapping around the lower health classes, only hitting the mid to high health ones while they were distracted. All was going good, as I was running away between fights to heal and would rack up around 2-3 kills per life if i was able to get over to RED base. While this sounds pretty sweet, in all honesty I wasn't doing much, only annoying the enemy team due to my classes' innate inability to fight a sentry gun farm. All that was getting accomplished was thinning out enemy numbers when big fights would go down. That's when the streak started happening.
When you kill or assist in killing someone four times in a row, without them killing you back, you get a Domination on that player. Aside from being negative reinforcement to kill the person dominating you (in increasingly cruel ways), and that person becoming an active Nemesis in meta-game, you receive bonus points for getting a Revenge kill on the Nemesis. During a particularly good push on the RED team, I was able to get around three dominations, with one particular victim being a sniper. This story is where the inherent cruelty of the Domination system shows its colors, and infuriates players, driving them into a downward spiral.
While the other two players were able to kill me and drop those dominations, this poor sniper had no such luck. When I wasn't poking my head in at him while he was already hurt and harassing him that way, I was killing him in the halls with a quick puff of flames followed by an axe to the face. The sheer amount of rage was palpable through the internet, his advances and tactics becoming more and more desperate. He would join in a large group of teammates just to see me either flee, be killed by someone else at the last second and rob him of his victory, or be specifically singled out and bludgeoned by my dull axe. It came to the point where on seeing me, he wouldn't even try to attack and only flee, ignoring any chance of revenge or fun in the slaughter.
One of the reasons I was able to get to him was he was playing with The Huntsman, a mid range bow and arrow, and had a more melee oriented set. He must have dearly loved this set, as he had plenty of times he could have switched his load-out to something with a much farther a range early in the brawl. He could have just blow my head off and been done with it. There must have been some deep seated obligation to redeem himself with that set, some gut-clenching feeling of "It has to work this time, he can't kill me every time!", some misplaced hope that his tenacity and persistence would pay off just once. Much like his skull, his self confidence, and his kill to death ratio, this hope would be burnt to cinders.
This cruel act, which I well aware of, was just something I could not stop even if I had wanted to. It was such a weird phenomenon, with it actually slowly effecting his game play, where I would actively seek him out in areas he would otherwise be safe in, and terrorize the sniper with just my presence. It was both intriguing and somehow therapeutic to slowly twist and morph what should have been a simple Capture The Flag map into something much more sinister. The meta-game encompassed this sniper's normal game, making him focused on the kill of just one individual.Just one kill.It went around from being player cruelty to becoming inspirational, seeing him clip me down a bit more each fight, learning how to combat this horrific gas-masked menace, and actually hoping he would come through finally.
This meta-game lasted most of the map, carrying through to the last few minutes of the game. At one point, he had finally realized that he should just switch his load-out, and was successful in keeping me at a range. Not only could I not go outside for fear of a head-shot and letting this game end, but I was unable to pierce his team's heavy defenses as they were on the losing side of this map and turtling. During a particular lull in the fighting, I started to stand around in one of the front doors, dodging the snipers' shots from the enemy battlements, being a living testament to my sniper rival's inability to end the fight, beyond a last minute stalemate.
This sparked something in him. Be it one final display of defiance, one last hope for redemption, one last chance at revenge, I don't know, and probably never will. But this had no doubt sparked something in him. As I was trying to check how much longer until BLU victory, I stood still just inside doorway looking at the tab menu. All of a sudden I realized I was in third person mode. In the last few moments before the maps end, the sniper had switched back to his Huntsman load-out, ran across the hell that was outside, ducked in, and started to taunt kill me.
In Team Fortress 2, all weapons have the ability to be taunted with, but a few will actually be able to inflict instant kills. The Huntsman is one of these, where the sniper spins his arrow behind him, stabs his enemy to stun them, then pulls the arrow out and the enemy dies. Keep that in mind that first hit stuns, and it's the second hit that kills. While I was standing around, the sniper I had so cruelly taunted, harassed, and killed numerous times had been proactive and was attempting to right all wrongs in one glorious moment of impalement and revenge.
The instant I had noticed the sniper had finally gained his revenge,finallycould move on, I felt proud of him. In that very instant I had summed up the entire struggle, the hardship he had faced, the fact that he wasfinallyfinished and could move on with playing the game the way it was suppose to be. It was beautiful. Just as I had felt his rage through the internet, I could feel his relief. The fight was over, and though his team lost, he had won his conflict.
And then he burnt to death.
Yes, really. He burnt to death. As quickly as that cathartic moment had came, it had passed. Apparently in his haste to finish, his desire not just to kill me with an unceremonious arrow to the head, but to taunt kill me and say "Here I am, we are done.", he had failed to notice one of my teammates lurking behind us. This teammate specifically was another pyro. On crossing the bridge, he had apparently taken quite a bit of damage, and was lucky just to get inside the doorway. On starting his taunt kill, my teammate saw me about to die, and decided he would end the map with a bang, and promptly burnt the sniper to death right before he could pull the arrow from my gut and finish the job.
At this point I was amazed. Not only that the map had contained such an epic feud, such incredible hardship, and such a wonderful ending, but that ending had just been pissed all over in one of the greatest anti-climaxes imaginable. And apparently the piss was gasoline, being followed closely by a lit match. I couldn't help but laugh, and taunt along with my friend, as the sniper was no doubt spitting every death curse imaginable at me. At the end of the map, I looked high and low for the sniper's name, unable to find it, and noticing I had lost a current domination.Our team had broken that player's spirit so much he disconnected.Nothing was said from him, no notification, not even a peep. He had just gone.
Although I have long forgotten that poor sniper's name, I will never forget what he had done, what he had shown me, and how horribly I had pissed him off. If you liked this story, I'll be posting a couple more today to make up for the days I have missed due to running around preparing for a trip I had gone on this weekend.
Holy dick that trip really threw me off! Gonna work my ass of posting the stories i missed now, and going to try to not screw up the schedule any more for a while.
You just got Joe'd!
Because this story has been burning a hole in my brain in its attempt to escape all week, I'm going to temporarily forget the whole chronological order thing right now and just tell this story. Unfortunately I will have to use my friends first names in here, but only because the title and crux of the story make it unavoidable not to use their names. Just so you guys know, I do feel guilty, but I'm only using first names, and they are somewhat common, so at least you will know it's you while other people won't.