While waiting for 5 am.

I will ponder on the color blue.

[moonlit-lynx]

5/8/19

It’s been around a year and a half since you got out of jail. Today is my birthday. You went down stairs to get me sodas from the vending machine. There was a wallet. You stole some cash. They probably watched cameras and linked you back to my apartment. We both told them you don’t live here but since you were here they are now charging you with failure to register.

You stole some cash and now you are back behind bars. I did everything in my power to protect you and to keep you safe from ever having to go back. And you stole some cash and got busted. I am besides myself right now. I have had this worry in my mind for months. But you did this one to yourself. And I don’t know what to tell your mom. I don’t know what to tell our friends. I don’t know what to tell my family. Your stupid sticky fingers. I know it wasn’t worth it….. ypur paper work says you live in Sterling. You are on top of all ypur paper work. I hope you can fight it. If you go to prison for your third failure to register because of some cash in a wallet I don’t know what I’ll do. I am crushed that you could be so fucking dumb. You stupid piece if shit… we aren’t that broke. You can’t live by the rules of the street when you are supposed to be laying low. My trust is demolished.

[whilewaitingfor5]

10/8/18

I guess I have created the perfect name for this tumblr. My life is waiting for Koda. His full name has a magic number of 5. This is the blog I write while waiting for him. I have him but he isn't mine. He won't be ready to commit to me fully, possibly ever. We love, we laugh, we fight, and we grow. But I don't think his end goals are anywhere near mine. I love him but have to keep my love for him at a similar level to the love his is capable of giving in return. If I keep only giving as much as he is able to give me, we might never go forward. He might never ask me for a future. I can't ask him to walk forward with me. So our relationship is a stagnant pool of killing time. It's a beautiful pool of love that reflects the sky and stars and universe inside our souls. This pool is comfortable and home. I kinda enjoy this pool of water which holds life and love but it is too shallow to hold hope for tomorrow. I am here for him as he exists in limbo. I am in my own limbo with school keeping me where I am. But someday I want to flow into a river of forward movement. My sisters wedding was this weekend. He took my battle of stress from being maid of honor and his guilt of not knowing how to contribute, and put it into working the entire wedding by cleaning, moving, and being hard working hands. But fuck I wanted to be held during a slow song. I want to feel like someday I will ever wear that dress. I want to be so much more than a place holder. I know I give him hope to keep living but I want something that he might never be able to be, the man he promised me he would be over a year ago. He broke off his commitment to me in March but I'm still here keeping each other afloat. This isn't all I want in life. I want so much more. I don't want to have to hold back my heart for fear of it being thrown in my face like time has shown to happen again and again. I have so much of me to give but I can't give away all of me in exchange for just his survival in my proximity.

[wordsnquotes]

Paulo Coelho  |  @wordsnquotes

[wordsnquotes]

“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me.”

— Bob Marley  |  @wnq-music

[wordsnquotes]

“I used to build dreams about you.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, “Benediction”

[syntacked]

via weheartit

[whilewaitingfor5]

7/11/18

I everything you.

I miss you. I miss your fingertips dancing with mine. Above all, I miss kissing you. I wish we would could more than just when find yourself having sex with me.

I everything you.

I love you. I hate what you've done to us. I fear getting close cause the next time you push away might be just around the corner. I miss you. I can't sleep right when you aren't around. I miss you even when you sit right next to me. I miss the way you looked at me like I was a flashlight lighting the path in the dark. I miss the way you rubbed my thumb while we held hands, driving around in my truck. I miss the way you blotted my tears away and held me to keep the shaking at bay.

I fear you and your mood swings. I resent you for throwing me away along with the life I built for us. I am not so angry at you anymore cause That's a path I choose to be stronger than. I am hopeful for you. Maybe someday you can breath again, maybe smile. I dream of a happy future for you that doesn't even have me in it. I pray for you to find release from your demons. I guard myself from your erratic mentality. You can't hurt me anymore than you already have. I have been demonished and I am raising myself back up on my own. I am the most comfortable with myself when I am alone. But the loneliness sets in. But its like missing an imaginary friend. Were you ever the person I fell inlove with?

I know that your condition makes it hard to be around sometimes but your laughter made it worth it. I fucking miss your dimples. You just get mad at me when I release glimpses of my affection I try so hard to keep locked away. I know the partner you promised to be faded away. I burried those dreams of the man I always wanted. You can't bring yourself to be the man you wanted to be for me. But fuck id be happy to go back to just being a dysfunctional relationship where at least I could freely tell you how much you mean to me. I miss letting the colors of my emotion flow through me into art and words and actions. I have to stuff them into a pillowcase and down them in the closest river along with the dreams of partnership. I am still Maka with my arm reaching out into the depths of your soul. You were my Soul. My weapon and my shield. I was Maka, your guild and your strength. But I wasny enough to keep fighting for. you aren't ready to transform into the weapon to fight the good fight for our freedom from this song and dance. I fight alone now for my own sanity.

Although my heart still is offering a hand, my heart gave up hope because the splitting cuts me in half right down the middle. So the hand is there but I no long let the wait kill me inside anymore. I miss the you that I don't know ever existed or not. I don't know you. I dont know what is real or not. So I miss the legend you left behind. I miss all the star dust you shook from your hair and planted dreamy seeds in my mind. They bloomed and realized they weren't meant to survive after our love died. I'm,still sweeping out the corners of my brain. I've seen how empty you've left me once the butterflies flew away. I know you didn't mean to cause this love to become just an illusion I held onto too long.

I think of all the plans we made that never came true. I think about the late night drives, the shadows on youebface lit by the fire getting us higher. The smells in the damp night air bring me to the long talks and late nights, sneaking into parks and laughing till stomachs hurt.

I will protect myself from myself. Its not your fault you are like this. Your meds might help eventually but for now I float down a path that has no destination or map. The path I built for us turned to gravel, then dirt, now nothing. I walk blindly into the forest to find a new path. Maybe the grass I clear away will lead you to me again one day. Until then I wander. I'm no long trying to find you or bring you back to me. Im trying to love myself and the memory of what I was working for will push me to make my past self proud. You've changed me forever. But so have you changed into a dream. I just keep having to wake myself up from you.

[timid]

[wnq-quotes]

Ben Maxfield | @wordsnquotes

[syntacked]

via weheartit

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was”

— j. iron word

[tealiteful-deactivated20190307]

“Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.”

— Brigitte Nicole (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[schwierigephase]

“Don’t lose a woman that has seen your flaws and still loves you.”

— Nizar Qabbani (via ohteenscanrelate)

[alwayskeepingit100]

I will tell my daughter, don’t ever beg for someone’s time. Don’t ever beg for someone’s attention. And don’t ever beg for someone’s love.

[bnmxfld]

David Foster Wallace / Infinite Jest

[wordsnquotes]

Someone | @wnq-typography

[whilewaitingfor5]

6/29/18

I laid in bed with you while you slept. I sat awake 2 hours just listening to you breath.

I miss this peace and quiet that used to be out life. You are so fucking beautiful.

You beautiful disaster. The car wreck I can't stay away from. Hope the flames take me out too cause I just want to go out pretending that it was like this all along.