I’m gaining weight. I know it’s something completely normal. I also know it’s because I’m not as anxious as I was last year, and that I’m within a healthy range and the weight gain is a result of having delicious meals with my flatmates, who like food and cooking a lot, and that it’s our main way of socialising. Furthermore, physically I pretty much look the same as always, apart from my belly being flabbier and some small rolls forming on my back.
Yet it is completely impossible for me to not feel terrible and see myself as gross. Even typing all this is grossing me out. I don’t want to fall back into my extremely restrictive food intake of the past, or over-exercising (can’t resort to purging, at least not with three flatmates constantly around, so that’s something positive I guess) but I can’t stop thinking about how gross I feel.
I really hate having a tangible form. I wish I was just a floating brain, I swear.
Isn't it fun when somebody questions your mental state?
I was having a conversation over dinner with my aunt (with whom I live) about anxiety and depression because a couple of days ago I had a very bad anxiety attack and emailed my teacher telling her how poorly I was doing mentally and that I didn't know if I would be capable of finishing my project, and felt very exposed afterward since mental health is not a subject that's usually discussed. To this my aunt has told me that I don't have depression, because she has had depression and it was nothing like what she sees in me, and that we ALL have anxiety in varying degrees.
It really sucks when you open up to somebody and they just turn out to not be listening, and are instead building themselves an image of how they think you are. She has done this with other things but this week and this subject has hurt more than usual. It just sucks.
When I told her I was going to bed she said "do you think you have depression? Thinking that is not good for you" and it took every ounce of willpower in me not to tell her about the constant void in my chest, the crying without a reason, the fact that every morning when I go running I think about jumping off a bridge or into the train tracks, or the never-ending apathy that has settled in for quite some time and that I feel I will never be able to fully recover from.
Dunno man, I’ve been having a very shitty time in Madrid. I have no friends, my relationship kinda sucks right now, I don’t have energy to do anything... I’ve gotten dandruff, which is new. My hair has also been falling in pretty big pieces. I feel like a whale because now that I don’t cook for myself I don’t eat as many vegetables as I would like. I guess I’m stressed from doing nothing?
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. This is just a heads up to let you know I won’t be uploading any nude content anymore. There’s a couple of reasons:
- Tumblr’s idiotic update of its Terms of Use screwing up with many of the pictures I have already uploaded
- Me feeling slightly less insecure, therefore needing less reassurance from strangers
- My schedule being worse than ever so I barely have time to go on Tumblr anymore
Anyways, if I decide to deactivate I will let you guys know. Cheers.
So the Tinder guy and I have been kind of dating? I dunno, I like him, but he really likes being with me. I went to his house on friday (for sex- and food-related purposes) and after showering, he went and bought me a hairbrush, makeup remover and a toothbrush for his house. Like, I don’t want to be rude, but that is so much for me. It is a huge step and we’ve only been seeing eachother for like, two weeks, and talking for less than a month. I like him but it feels like we’ve been dating forever and I don’t know if I like that.
Also, yesterday my best friend invited me to the ballet (her mother is a choreographer and teacher) and a cocktail. I met the son of a family friend of theirs and thought he was v cute. He studies aerospatial engineering, which is super cool. So basically I just drooled in silence for a couple of hours, until he and his family left. Later, when I got home, I checked my Facebook and I had a friend invite from him lol. He had thought the same basically and had added me. Honestly this is super surreal, I usually am like -100 attractive and now two boys like me at the same time?? like, dafuq, not fair, what have I unknowingly sacrificed to Satan.
And suddenly I feel like shit again. Honestly, fuck my life.
Lil’ update, since I got here. I met someone from Tinder yesterday for lunch, which was a first for me since everyone I’ve talked to on Tinder has either been a sociopath or an automatic fanboy of me and my ~geeky ways~. He was nice, we had sushi. We walked a bit and we said goodbye in front of my faculty. The only bad thing about him is that he likes talking to me too much, so I’m unsure if what he needs is a girl or a friend. I rather be his friend, I think. I’m not ready for a relationship.
Not sure if unrelated, my ex has been acting kind of weird since yesterday. We usually go home together but yesterday he said he couldn’t, and today he didn’t really talk to me, because a friend of ours (really, of his) was constantly chatting him up so he basically couldn’t socialise with anyone else. I have confronted him about this because coincidentally this friend complained that he had to fight with me for my ex’s attention, which was false. Both my ex and I think this guy likes my ex, but doesn’t want to say anything about it. Bah, I’m tired of all this. We are arguing on WhatsApp now because he says he doesn’t want to have this conversation with me, even though it affects me as well.
I got a free sweatshirt, and found out Mr Asshole Ex (the one in London) is dating a 20-year-old! He’s 31 btw. I’m 23. And I thought he was a pedophile when we were dating...
Just feeling like shit. Sorry I only come to this blog to whine about my life. Hopefully some day I will have good news for you guys.
I know I always start my posts the same way haha, it’s been forever since I last posted. Sorry about that. Today’s post is going to be about my personal life so, if you’re here for the pictures, 1) you have mistaken the purpose of this blog and 2) this is not going to interest you lol. I may post a pic later, not sure yet.
So, for those of you who decided to keep on reading, hi! It’s been a while. A lot of stuff has happened, but I study a very demanding degree so I don’t usually have the time to keep you guys updated. Sorry!
My relationship with my ex is doing great, apart from the fact that I proposed him to be friends with benefits and he rejected me saying that it was too hasty a decision. So, great choice on my part I guess. I felt kind of ridiculous tbh. After that I think he felt guilty because he’s been texting me quite a bit, and in general being super nice to me. At the time I honestly didn’t feel great about the whole ordeal, but this dude has been such a disappoinment so many times and has hurt my feelings so much that it actually kind of helped me, I think. Nonetheless, I don’t think I want to have that sort of relationship with another person because I don’t feel great having sex with people I don’t know, so I guess it’s going to be a pretty dry 2018 for me -_-’
I feel kind of disconnected when I’m with my uni friends. So, no change there. I can’t do any more effort on my part, and I can’t force them to be my friends and support me.
My mum had surgery at the end of november, a couple of days before my birthday, so this semester’s exams have been kinda hard for me. She has been sick for more than two years now and I hadn’t realised how much that was dragging me down until she was forced to stay in the hospital and I had to take care of her everyday there. Like, I had been doing it at home, but having to go to the hospital made me feel like I was allowed to feel tired because of it. I must say that, mentally, being 23 and having only one parent (of which you take care of), is not the best feeling, especially studying architecture and having really long nights.
When my mum came back home a week after the surgery she was in a terrible mood all of the time, waking me up in the middle of the night to yell at me for stupid stuff (while my exam season was in full swing). That wasn’t great. But you had to understand her, she had just had surgery right? I feel a bit bad about it, but I don’t feel it’s fair that she gets to behave like that and the rest of us just have to suck it up because we are not the ones who had surgery, we just have to take care of the person who did. #firstworldproblems, I guess. My mum’s also super negative about her recovery and that gives such an aura of negativity, that it’s been really hard for my sister and me to be around her.
The holidays were great, I visited Barcelona with my sister and I haven’t had many issues with my body because the day of my birthday I decided to change my attitude. I know it sounds weird and artificial but I just kind of decided I was tired of being so negative. So I’ve been trying really hard to love myself more, even if I weigh a lot and my face is still the same as always, because I can’t change how I look or who I am but I can change how I feel about myself. Does that make sense? It’s been working quite well I think, I’ve been feeling better with how I look. I’ve also started a dream diary and an art journal, and in both I can express how I feel. Also, I think I’m going to let someone read my diary (that I’ve kept since I went to London five years ago) but I don’t know if it should be my ex (because he is still the best friend I have) or my sister (who I don’t want to traumatise with all my issues).
University has been great too. This year I’ve been helping in the Building Services department in an investigation about fire safety for the elderly and disabled and it’s been okay. I won a building services photography contest from a construction site visit we did in Madrid and won 100€ (yay!). This year’s building services teacher, who was the jury in the contest, also offered me a job as an investigator for the building services department once I graduate (which is kind of a big deal) and has been very interested in me in general, offering me many opportunities for internships this summer, people to introduce me to, projects in Moscow (where I will go next course to study my first semester of fifth year)... So I’ve also been excited about that. Also, I got really good grades this semester and many teachers have talked with me asking me what I want to do when I finish my degree (I’m assuming they ask because they are interested in me?) My ex has been very supportive of all of this, because I had many times where I felt like I didn’t deserve it, but he always answered that I’m getting the recognition I deserve for my good work in class.
So, that’s (mostly) all of it! Hope it didn’t bore you to death, and if you read it all, thanks! <3
So today I had an appointment with my psychologist, as I’ve had every week for the last year. If you’ve followed me for a bit this really isn’t going to be a surprise for you, but for me to be able to recognise it, and talk about how my “normal” isn’t other people’s “normal” is a BIG deal.
I have lots of issues I don’t really feel like sharing right now, but my ultimate goal is to be able to feel normal and worthy (of other people’s love, attention, friendship...) I’ve driven many friends away because I couldn’t let them see the “real” me, and right now I’m still afraid of their rejection, but I hope I can find people that will like the full version of me, and that I will let them understand the uglier bits instead of telling them nothing’s wrong.
I hope it makes sense to all of you. I am smart, beautiful, funny, loving, and I have a mental illness. And that’s okay.
Damn you look pretty tall looking at Rothko. How tall are you? PS. It's been long since you last posted smth. Happy to read your blog from time to time.
Thank you! I am 5′5 so, not really that tall, just average.
So basically now I have no friends! Literally, none! My ex hates me and doesn’t want to have any kind of relationship with me, and the only person I can actually talk to is my little sister!
Also my mum has been sick for more than a year and a half, and the responsibility of caring for her and taking her to the hospital and stuff fell on my shoulders!
Also my degree in Architecture is harder that ever, I hate it and don’t want to have anything to do with it or the people in my class!
Also there’s been a lot of economic problems in my family, since my mum is sick and my degree is so expensive, so I paid part of my uni credits with my own money (and without telling my mum) and now I have literally no money so I started working as a product representative! I sell Nutella now! Or Bitter Kas! Or fucking cigarettes! I hate this job but I can’t have a real job because I spend 10 hours a day on uni, and only have free time on weekends!
