Who I Want to Fuck Today

Just who is turning my crank right now

[whoiwanttoday]

This post is for @kat-with-eleven-lives who has secretly become a big fan of Nonsummerjack. Why is it a secret? I dunno. Early on she told me, "She's mid at best. Because she's a girl". She has come around and now in the middle of the night (here, maybe it's not night yet on the West Coast) sends me messages demanding pictures of Non. Usually something like, "If I don't wake up to some Nonsummerjack you're going to wake up to a Nonsummerblack. Eye that is. A black eye". I don't know exactly what that is, does that mean in the fall I'll get a black eye? But then I don't really get the name Nonsummerjack so it's better to not think too much about it and just cave and make this post. Today I want to fuck Nonsummerjack.

[whoiwanttoday]

When I was a kid I really thought I'd spend substantially more time on rooftops than I have. Everything from comics to cartoons to sitcoms to movies lead me to believe people in cities hang out on rooftops. There has been shockingly little rooftop hang out time in my life. I moved into a place in my early 20's that had a door with a sign on it about rooftop access but the sign had been painted over. You could just still read it because the letters were raised. The door was bolted shut. I asked about it and was told in horror that no of course I can't go on the roof, insurance won't allow for that. So maybe it was a generational thing and adults were all on rooftops when I was a kid and um… the world got too PC so it shut them down? I can't quite connect the dots there but that very much follows the narrative I heard in my youth, that the world is too PC now so we can't do anything fun like harass women or discriminate against black people. Which is wild that among those things rooftops were the one that stuck and the rest you just have to be a little more subtle about. Anyway, Lili Reinhart was on a rooftop selling something. I really am not sure what it is, I was distracted by the skyline and then her and never got around to looking at what is in her hand. Today I want to fuck Lili Reinhart.

[whoiwanttoday]

I am beat this morning (because when am I not?) and am taking the easy way out. The easy way being Ariadna Majewska. The formula with her is slap a few pictures on, you don't have to be picky, talk a little bit, hit the post button and watch reblogs fly in for years from nylon and tights blogs. No judgment, I get it. She's here for a reason. Just saying her posts end up being perpetually popular and I get why. Like I said, I get it, I remember when I first discovered her (and claimed her for the Kingdom of Spain) I immediately sent a few pictures to my ex not because she was into tights that way but because she also loved tights and I knew she'd want to see. It's the first thing the eye is drawn to. Anyway, I am very sleepy and maybe none of that makes sense. It won't matter, this will end up reblogged anyway. Today I want to fuck Ariadna Majewska.

[whoiwanttoday]

I figure everyone wants a report on how I slept because why wouldn't you and I slept about 11 hours last night. Well… at least I was in bed for about 11 hours last night. I never know exactly how much I slept and given time stopped functioning in a linear manner in my bedroom last night there is really no way to know how much I actually slept.

The point is I went to bed early but woke up because I threw up in my mouth in my sleep. Now you might think that sounds fun but I am here to tell you it is an awful way to wake up. The clock in my kitchen said 1:36 and it was gross and awful and took me a little bit to get back to sleep. But I did. Then I had a nightmare. I was in a creepy old basement but there was a bathroom at the end of the hall and I really had to go to the bathroom so I went. The lights didn't work in the hall but they did in the bathroom but the door would not shut all the way and there were loud foot steps all around me. And then a creepy, raspy voice that kept saying, "Helga? Oh Helga… come here, I need you Helga". Which in my dream was bone chilling. But I had to go to the bathroom so I couldn't just leave. Anyway, then a cat showed up and jumped in my arms and was very affectionate and it was no longer a nightmare. Then the cat started talking to me, he was my friend's cat but I won't say what friend because she's asked me to stop name dropping her. Which would be a very funny joke if I were to tag her and say she's asked me to stop name dropping her but it's actually really. She knows I am a clout chasing fame whore and is just sick of it so in this case I'll honor it all. Her cat told me there was a plate in the bed he liked best to slide on the sheets and that is disgusting but also he hit his tooth on the plate when he was sliding around so he needed me to go remove the plate. I said he could slide around on my bed, the guest bed. He told me no cat was going to do that because my bed was free almost all the time, he would just wait for me to go home to slide around on that bed.

Anyway, the important thing is then I woke up and was a little shaken cause the scary part was still scary so I got up and got some water ant it was 11:45. Which was not the next day but rather earlier than I had woke up previously. Now this morning, I went to tell my friend about all this (the one I can't name because I'm a total starfucker) and I had left her a voicenote about this that I do not remember at about 12:30 AM. So the point of all of this is that there is a time vortex in my bedroom and I can't think of a better way to let the world know about it other than by posting Anya Taylor Joy. Not because of her association with time vortexes, though I will point out she has played characters set in multiple different centuries and decades so in many ways acting is like time travel. Less like my ability to travel back and forth in a single night but still cool. Also she's looked really good in the screen shots I have seen for her new show. I like her. Way more than throwing up or spooky voices in the dark. Today I want to fuck Anya Taylor Joy.

[whoiwanttoday]

Walking home from work I had quite the assortment of random songs play and the urge to dance was pretty intense but it ended up on the Black Kid's I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You. As I was crossing the street and passing the fancy fish restaurant I felt this overwhelming urge to turn around and start moonwalking. Then I would back flip and go into the spits before popping back up and spinning around and continuing my walk home. Just… a real need to do this. Now, there are a few problems with this.

First, I have never mastered the moonwalk. I tried very hard as a little kid and just looked like I was having a seizure. I just could never get it right, I just slid backwards and looked stupid. Second, I have not been able to do a back flip since I was a teenager. And I don't know exactly how many years but I am willing to bet that ability had left my body by the age of 19 never to return again. Then there is the splits. I cannot do the splits. I feel like there was a time when I could as a kid when I was doing gymnastics but it is important to note that I remember thinking I could do the splits but I do not remember ever doing the splits. This is an important distinction because one time in first grade Craig, Steven, and I snuck into the abandoned school near me to get away from an older kid Craig had pissed off. He followed us in but I had a plan to get away. I was going to throw my voice so he'd think we were by the stairwell and then we'd go outside. Now, I had never thrown my voice before but I had seen people do it on TV so as a child I just assumed I could do it because it looked easy. So I stared at the stairwell and concentrated and willed my voice to appear over there and spoke. It turns out that I could not throw my voice. So you can understand I am skeptical about if I could ever do the splits or just had the unfound confidence of youth. Either way, the fourth issue is I know I would never able to stand up again if I did any of that, so there is no way I am popping up to spin. If I ever visit splitsville it won't end in a walk home, it will end in a hospital visit.

Anyway, that's all fine really. As far as intrusive thoughts go I have had far worse. Speaking of which, Chappell Roan just popped into my head today and I don't know why. I just had some passing thought wouldn't it be weird if she showed up where I worked. Why? No clue, my brain just decided to wonder that. And yes, it would be strange. It would be strange for a large number of people to get past a series of card swipes into my office. But again, worse weird thoughts have popped into my head. Either way, I have way too many fights with my brain to quibble over something like this, so I'll just do what it wants. Today I want to fuck Chappell Roan.

[whoiwanttoday]

I went away for the night and am just getting back and suddenly have the crushing weight of reality back on me. In the sense that I don't even know what to make for dinner much less what to make for my lunch for the week. I also need to do laundry and clean up a little but this is the cost of having fun. The weekend of course had everything: beans, 19th century swords, dog grooming, degenerate gambling, boats, bats, Uno, Caramel cake, super deformed transformers, catfish, and trees getting hit by lightning. The price you pay for such excitement is a desire for calm and few things are more calming than the serene beauty of Anne Hathaway. So I am posting her. Today I want to fuck Anne Hathaway.

[whoiwanttoday]

I rewatched Jean Rollin's The Living Dead Girl last night and as such I am posting Marina Pierro. It's my favorite movie of his and really moves me. I know he has come up here before but I can never remember how much I have explained so bear with me as I give you a quick run down again. Rollin was a French Director who is a true autuer who didn't really get his due at the time. In an inversion of how this usually works, it is the English who discovered him and restored his reputation as France had no appetite for him. At the screening of one of his first movies people literally ripped seats up and threw them at the screen. The French are so fucking extra when it comes to film. Rollin largely made pornography and work for hire stuff where he worked under a pseudonym. The stuff he put his name on though, that is special. All of his art has a real dreamlike quality and has just a ton to say. They are never perfect. The acting is often wooden, the story can sometimes use another pass but they are gorgeous and thematically strong. The Living Dead Girl is my favorite movie of his and it finally got a 4K restoration earlier this year so I have been excited to rewatch. I was waiting on a friend but eventually decided fuck that guy if he can't make time.

The story is about a dead woman named Catherine. She's been dead for years but some shitty dudes are illegally dumping toxic waste into a crypt and figure while they are at it why not open her coffin and… well, i am not sure what they are up to. Just theft or something creepier but it's ok, the toxic waste brings her back as sort of a vampire and she kills them both and drinks their blood. She is not in great shape mentally (or physically really) having been dead for a while so makes it back to her now empty home and calls her best friend Helene. She can't really talk but Helene knows it is her. It is obvious they are in love, at least to me, in part because no one in a Rollin movie is actually straight. They are either obviously queer or repressed and denying their queer attractions. Anyway, Helene shows up and buries all the bodies left in Catherine's wake and it becomes obvious Catherine needs more blood. So Helene starts killing people. At first she is eager to get back to her life, it has been years and she has a whole life but she can't abandon the woman she loves and stays and falls further and further and eventually it tragically destroys them both. Because it had to. The whole movie is gorgeous to look at and to me is obviously about terminal illness and the toll it can take on both partners. It is about how your lover slowly dying doesn't just destroy them, it destroys you, too. Especially if you can't let go. By the end Catherine has regained her senses enough to be horrified by what she has done but also what it has made Helene do and give up. Helene though can't let go and has become more and more morally compromised because the other option is to lose the woman she loves again. It is a heartbreaking ending and a very bittersweet love story.

Marina Pierro plays Helene and does an excellent job. She is the person you are most sympathetic towards at the start of the movie but by the end you know she can't survive this. She has gone too far. She slips into evil and it is tragic. So I am posting her. She is actually a bit of a cult legend when it comes to a type of Eurosleaze. Lots of nudity and sex from men who were dismissed as smut peddlers in their time but have been reassessed as real artists since. Her performance in those movies is a huge part of the artistry. Today I want to fuck Marina Pierro.

[whoiwanttoday]

I am struggling today guys. I am on very little sleep for the third day in a row and my mental health has taken a massive hit as a result. I have reached "get through this day" mode so I am going to punt on my pick for the most part. Here is some Taylor Momsen who performed… somewhere? I can't remember. She looked nice. Today I want to fuck Taylor Momsen.

[whoiwanttoday]

I am weirdly out of it today guys. My sleep has been a mess for reasons and I had a really strange dream last night. I was going to some dinner because I got an award at work and I decided to dress up for this. Now, at the dinner there was no one who I actually know in real life, it was largely fictional creations of my brain but in my dream they were all my coworkers and people I know and for some reason it was all run by the local preacher, who was also the most powerful man in town. I heard some rumblings from people, off hand comments about what I was wearing and I didn't get it because I looked great. Luckily, Idris Elba was there also, he was my coworker but also Idris Elba because I commented at one point, "none of my friends believe you're my best friend at work because you are so famous". Anyway, he told me he'd never seen me look so sharp so ignore what everyone else was saying. I knew people had been talking shit and he told me it started with the preacher's daughter who was a catty bitch because preacher's daughters are always the worst. I agreed. Really the children of clergy catching some serious strays because in my dream this was a known fact. They have all this social importance and are shielded from social consequence dues to the circumstances of their birth and it allows them to be passive aggressive monsters. So, in the dream I was wearing a blue and white striped seersucker jacked with hot pink venting and then pink ribbon done up in bows along the side that kept the venting from opening up too much. I had a pink shirt on and tan pants that laced up the side with pink ribbon (from ankle to hip on both sides to be clear) and I had blue and white spats on. I knew I looked good.

Now that I am awake I know the Preacher's Daughter was dead on. Good lord. My subconscious is a mess sometimes. All this leads to Leni Klum, who is the daughter of someone important and as such has no doubt given here a leg up in reality. Am I posting her because of the dream? No, I don't think so, I am posting her cause she did a few shoots but I am also aware on a much higher level I am posting her because he mom is famous. It's not that she couldn't have become a model on her own, it's that we will literally never know if she could have or not and it would be foolish to claim that her mother's name isn't a major factor in her career. I just hope she isn't shit talking people who, for the record, Idris Elba agrees look great. Today I want to fuck Leni Klum.

[whoiwanttoday]

I post Rihanna every year when she is back in Barbados for Crop Over cause… look at her. She looks amazing. And the costumes are so pretty. Would I wear exactly that? No, of course not. I don't have the figure to pull it off but more importantly I think the headpiece would make my neck hurt. But I appreciate it and it makes me slightly jealous it isn't an option in my life. Anyway, Rihanna was in Barbados for Crop Over and I loved her outfit. I can't rank it compared to other years because what would be the point of that? They're all great. I don't rank sunsets either, I just appreciate them. Today I want to fuck Rihanna.

[whoiwanttoday]

So I finally watched the new He-Man movie. It was fine. Which is in many ways the most damning thing I can say about a movie. I gave it 3 stars on my letterboxd which is absolutely the worst rating I can give a movie. Like 3.5 tends to be movies that I know are not amazing but have something about them and I enjoyed. Some movies I have watched many times sit at 3.5 stars and I consider anything above that to be a pretty good movie. Get below 3 stars and there is some memorable shit in there. Like if you find some 1 star movie like say… Slutty the Clown, a UK horror movie for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to watch, well, I remember it. It's worse in every way than He-Man but I remember it and I remember thinking, "Why do I do this to myself?" But He-Man, despite some pretty nice make up and creature work, will slide right off my brain. It's too long for a He-Man movie and for some reason spends time on Earth but it's real crime is it seems to be slightly embarrassed to be a He-Man movie. Could we please stop that? If you're going to adapt a thing be proud of it. I am not looking for dark and gritty He-Man but if you don't have faith in the material why should I care about it? Not everything needs to be a quipfest.

The character designs were cool though. Fisto and Ram-man and Mechaneck all looked just like they should to a degree I didn't think was possible in live action. Trapjaw was a real triumph as he was my favorite as a kid for no reason other than his toy was really cool. And Camila Mendes looked hot as fuck as Teela. Not a full on surprise given it's Camila Mendes but also Teela is hot. But it was a cool design and she looked great so I have that take away and I am posting her. Gen X, can we be done with this shit now? We made fun of the Baby Boomers for not letting go, be better. Today I want to fuck Camila Mendes.

[whoiwanttoday]

I was contacted here on tubmlr last night by someone from Sydney Sweeney's management team, which makes total sense because tumblr is the preferred communication platform of most Hollywood professionals. They wanted to let me know there were a rise of fake accounts here pretending to be Sydney Sweeney, which sounds awful but also I was unaware of. I also don't know who would fall for that, have any celebrities joined since that one Sprouse Twin left? Anyway, they wanted to let me know that Sydney really likes me blog and wanted to let her real fans know about the imposters.

Nice try Sydney, I'm still not posting you. This isn't ideological really. In the sense that I would not pretend to not like boobs for the say of a political stance or declare someone unstoppable because of their political stance. It's because I can't imagine wanting to have sex with Sydney Sweeney because I can't imagine wanting to have sex with anyone who is pro fascist. I know this is not the default stance and I make no judgments. Isla She-Wolf of the SS is one of the most famous exploitation movies out there, it clearly works for a lot of people. A lot of people kind of want to fuck a Nazi. I do not but more so it means I look at Sydney Sweeney and don't feel any attraction to her. Sorry, Syd, you just feel kind of boring. And you can send all the publicists and managers you want to tumblr you are wasting your time. To be clear, not because of me in particular. Who knows, maybe one day I'll change my mind. I just mean it's tumblr, there have to be better platforms than this but I know the message was real because the person has management team in their user name. But the thing is the world is full of boobs, like fully half the population has them and a great many of them are not connected to hateful ideologies. Doesn't mean that they are all great people. I often have no way of knowing but I do know that knowing they believe in eugenics is often a turn off for me. Anyway, that's a long way of saying here is Riae who also has boobs. I am certain many do not like her boobs or take issue with them but I think they are pleasant and it's my blog. I also remember her losing a slew of followers once upon a time during the black lives matter thing for speaking out, a peril for any sex worker to take a stance. But I respect all of those who did. Not why I like her boobs but it's nice to know at the very least those boobs aren't longing for a mythical antebellum. Today I want to fuck Riae.

[whoiwanttoday]

One of the worst things about getting older is how much a bad nights sleep fucks me up. It was never a good thing but even just a handful of years ago I could just sleep later and be a little off but mostly fine. Now, for some reason, my body will not do that. I just wake up early anyway and can't really get back to sleep and feel like I want to die all day. Not in the hip, cool I have depression way but in the this is so unpleasant to be this tired and my head to hurt this much that death somehow seems like maybe not so bad.

Anyway, here is some Charli XCX who is overdue (cause I never post her) but I probably won't do her justice today. I have wanted to post her again since he album came out because I really like it but I am too tired to properly articulate my thoughts. It is a strong example of why I love her so much. Besides being miles away from Brat (to a degree that maybe it is a bit self destructive but if you've been here for the full ride that isn't surprising) it is introspective and seems to be addressing the feelings that come from achieving what you thought was the brass ring and it not making anything better really but also how do you handle the world when it is on fire around you. I love it. Anyway, I have thoughts but they can't be coherent today but she did Lolla last night and like… I will ignore how many miles away from seeing Green Day there when I was a kid the whole thing is now but festivals in general are just radically different and that's fine but the Perry Farrell of my childhood would likely have words about the state of things now. Such is the way of things, we all get old. Anyway, I thought she was really good. Quite the production, her vocals were stronger than I am used to for live stuff from her. Not a dig, just a thing I noticed. It was really cool. Also, she looked hot as fuck. Just putting that out there, I have kind of hidden from the world that I think she is attractive but it's out there now. To be clear, I have no pictures from the performance but I work with what I have. Today I want to fuck Charli XCX.

[whoiwanttoday]

Ginger Snaps is somehow 26 years old, which is just hard for me to wrap my head around because I remember that movie hitting DVD and having all this buzz and so I bought it day one when it hit our shelves at Tower Records and didn't just love it, I loved it and made so many people watch it and they all loved it. It is, in my opinion, the best werewolf movie ever made, which is slight praise from me because I largely don't love werewolf movies but I also think it is one of the best horror movie of the 00's. That could get some push back but it's the way I feel. I haven't made a list or anything but like the Descent, the Others… what else is on the short list? Not Touristas, that's for sure!

I liked Ginger Snaps enough that in about 2005 or so when a shitty friend of mine looked shocked when I talked about good horror movies it was my evidence. He said horror movies can't be good. Which is to this day a wild fucking take that genre dictates quality and now I wouldn't engage because this person has no interest in art, they have interest in signaling who they are through consumption. Anyway, he was shocked it had not just great reviews but was called Feminist. He watched it and agreed it was ok and was confused that his wife really, really liked it.

This all leads me to Katharine Isabelle who I am posting because she and Emily Perkins did a video for letterboxd reading a bunch of reviews of Ginger Snaps. It's such a delightfully charming video where they are full of laughs and are just so much fun. As are the reviews. It made me nostalgic for the movie so maybe I'll pop it in tonight and it's always a good time to post Katharine Isabelle, even though every time I post her and note she is Canadian @kat-with-eleven-lives claims to have no idea who she is, which seems nuts to me. You guys haven't built statues yet? She's in the greatest werewolf movie of all time! God, does Canada just hate winners? Today I want to fuck Katharine Isabelle.

[whoiwanttoday]

Well guys, it's the end of Zendaya month I guess, given it is both the end of the month and she should be out of premiers. Or not, who knows, she might be in more. The economist told me this morning she and Tom Holland are the most successful actors of their generation in terms of box office, which means at the very least their relationship is mostly equal in terms of box office success. Which is what we're all looking for in the end so good for both of them. Anyway, between the Oddyssey and Spider-man we certainly got a lot of Zendaya this month and that's a good thing. So I am posting her one last time. Today I want to fuck Zendaya.

[whoiwanttoday]

I am posting late today because today because boy it's a day that has snowballed somehow. I was woken up by some weird sound this morning and got really angry and was like, "What the fuck is that noise waking me up in the middle of the night". I could feel my anger rising as I tried to figure out what dipshit neighbor was playing the sound of birds loudly chirping at what I assumed must have been 3 AM. Well, it turned out it was my alarm which had gotten very loud because it had been going off for 10 minutes. Good news was that my neighbors are not dicks, the bad news is no matter what my body was telling me it was not 3 AM. I went into work but was only supposed to be in for about an hour or so but I am just getting home now. So I haven't had a lot of time to think about who or what to post and the time I would have spent thinking about that was full of weird stray thoughts.

Like I am a lifelong subscriber to the Economist and last week they did an hour long interview with Elon Musk that I keep trying to get through. In part because I pay for this shit but more because I think they do real journalism, something vanishingly rare, and in the time since I started listening the interview has gone a bit viral because they weren't even mean, they just lightly pushed back and he lost his shit. I can't listen to it though, I keep trying but holy shit is he just a gigantic loser. And I know there are circles of the internet that would push back at him being a loser because he's rich and let me tell you, that's part of what makes him so pathetic. Like what a fucking loser. And I had a moment as I was walking home where I thought, "Who am I to throw stones" but then my friend Emm messaged and I thought, "no, look, someone wants to talk to me and I am 99% sure if she were given the choice between talking to Elon Musk or me she'd choose me". Which like… isn't just me bragging about having a friend whose name is a letter (though I am bragging a tiny bit because she's brilliant and kind but also peak tumblr would actually be jealous of my for having her as a friend so it's a small brag) but also just thinking about how sad that is. To be that rich and it isn't enough because you're giant baby with a fragile ego. Which sounds mean because it is but I do believe the most dangerous people in the entire world are insecure people. They will destroy anyone or anything to feel good about themselves and we could feel bad for them but feeling bad for them is usually how they manipulate us. Hot take I guess but I have been around the block too many times at this point to trust anyone who is that obsessed with feeling good about themselves and thinks its everyone else's job to make them feel better. Do something for someone else, you'd be shocked how good that feels.

Which is a long way of saying I am posting Blondshell again because when I turned off Elon Musk and turned on a random playlist it played Blondshell for me and that was so much better than listening to a grown man have a melt down that some people think he's a racist. Blondshell is not, to my knowledge, a racist and I have not seen her loser her shit at any journalists. Also, she's way better looking and has better hair (I love her hair) which is wild given she hasn't spend millions of dollars on her hair. Today I want to fuck Blondshell.

[whoiwanttoday]

Sadie Sink has been showing up on my dash a lot lately for Spider related reasons and that makes sense but I think she has looked really beautiful so I have decided to post her. I am struggle to work up excitement for Spider-Man, which is not her fault. Not anyone's fault really. I wish I could, I think in some ways I miss when I could really care about a new Spidey movie but it's where we are. Anyway, glad she is around on the red carpet. Today I want to fuck Sadie Sink.