who raised you?

var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-21099231-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); Do you ever look at a person doing/wearing/promoting something so unimaginably idiotic that you think to yourself, "who raised you to believe that behaviour is acceptable"? Of course you do, but I bet you're too nice and polite and politically correct to say anything about it. We're not.

[whoraisedyou-blog]

Poop Café. Toronto's first Doo-Doo Themed Dessert Restaurant. Opening Summer 2016 at 706 Bloor Street West at Christie Station

Just think, one day we’ll be telling our grandkids that there was a time before people ate ice cream that looks like shit out of fake toilet bowls. And they’ll look up at us from their bedpans of lentil soup, eyes full of pity and disbelief, and ask us if we’re joking.

I bet this is EXACTLY what Thomas Edison’s friends felt like when he told them, “hey guys, I’ve got a crazy idea but I think I might be onto something...” What a time to be alive! 

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Hey Toronto, remember winter?

No? Okay, let me remind you then. Winter is the 9-month-long season during which our bodies are CHEMICALLY incapable of feeling happiness / excitement / the desire to go on living, and we develop a MENTAL ILLNESS that’s actually called S.A.D. So I think we can probably ‘cool’ it (see what I did there) on the heat complaints, yeah?

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Don’t be the person at the pho restaurant who says, “actually it’s pronounced ‘fuh’”

Sure, that may be true. But it’s also true that you’re being a dick.

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Make Blogs Great Again!

As luck would have it, professional businessman and racism-enthusiast Donald Trump might become the next President of the United States.  What a time to be alive! More importantly, what a time to write a blog based on the assumption that everyone’s an idiot.

We’re back, y’all.

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Nice work, Facebook. But don’t forget I’m going to need your “OMG vs. WTF” stats on my desk by EOD Friday, or that promotion isn’t looking good for you.

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Unexplained hiatuses

...are so rude.

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Spring is here!

And so is all the dry, greying dog shit you assholes tried to hide under snow banks.

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"I really wish February was longer!" - said no one ever.

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Ethical question.

Should I be calling social services on the mother I just saw who had given her 2-year-old fake eyelashes?

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Paul Bernardo intends to marry 30-year-old Ontario woman who thinks notorious sex killer is innocent: report

Cool, so to be clear... someone in the world, who probably has ears, eyes, and/or the internet, wants to marry Paul Bernardo (quote unquote sex killer) and I'm going to fall asleep alone again watching Netflix?  Just checking.

Also, remember that time Paul Bernardo got mad that police wouldn't let him publicly take responsibility for EVEN MORE sex crimes? 

Humans are so great. 

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Existential:

Are you eating well if you're not blogging about it?

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Hey King Joffrey -- a couple things:

1) I just made up a new rule. I filed it under, "you're not allowed to be an intolerably smug piece of shit until your balls have dropped"

I guess that was just one thing. Oh well. 

[whoraisedyou-blog]

In case you were wondering what apartment hunting in Toronto is like:

tonight I saw a bachelor without a shower for $900 a month.  Said the landlord, 'it's such a low price because it's missing a couple of conveniences'.

1) $2.99 is a low price.

2) I would say we upgraded shower from 'convenience' to 'necessity' in Canada after World War Two. 

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For shame.

There is a factory somewhere that functions solely to produce the letters for Duane Reade signs.

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Online dating relationship ends badly, $1.3M later | Toronto Star

Look, I hate scams as much as the next person, but when television / every sketchy corner's WESTERN UNION (!!!) is warning you against sending a stranger money and you do it anyway, I kind of stop feeling bad for you.

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I hate you. And your Pop.

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Well, I don't know about you but I'm never banging again.  Or eating cake.  Or smiling.  Or breathing.