[whoratrix]

I have to get my shit set up for work but my body is too heavy to move I can barely manage my finger. Breathing is taking all the energy I have but I still can't stop crying and losing more .I just need it all to stop

[whoratrix]

I keep fantasizing about dying. Something out of my control. I'm on the train and someone has a gun and I just happen to be in the way. I'm walking home and the addict who asks me for change got a bad batch and I don't have any cash that night. It's slippery and I'm past the yellow line as the train comes by. Jaywalking catches up to me. Someone leaves the gas stove on when I'm home alone. Everywhere I go I keep having these thoughts. Walking down the stairs to the train and I begin to think about the bystander who was shot on them. It feels awful but I can't make them stop.

[whoratrix]

had a dream we were back in your bed every detail was perfect, down to the end i can still hear you singing clementine life is strange when you're a stranger

[whoratrix]

I own one singular jacket with a hood. New York has been very rainy lately. You know that little string on hoodies? The one that makes it so you can tighten it around your face and keep the rain out? Mine is missing. You pulled it out to tie my wrists to the bed frame. You tied me up so I couldn't stop you. I'd rather be wet.

[intimateorcheesy]

you don’t want him back but you still feel a pit in your stomach when you catch a glimse of his face on a stranger. you don’t want him back but your heart still races whenever someone mentions his name. you don’t want him back but you wonder if he will ever return. you don’t want him back but you dream of what to do if he did. you don’t want him back but you wonder what if he never left. you don’t want him back but if he still wanted you, you probably, maybe, would change your mind.

it’s 3am, and i still think of you. (via intimateorcheesy)

[whoratrix]

i want to be naked with someone Who feels like home

[whoratrix]

glasgow

who the fuck moves to glasgow i am so sad and so sick you will never feel it

[whoratrix]

hah

[whoratrix]

everyone is trash i am so mad at myself for forgetting really though f u c k y o u

[whoratrix]

i forgot to tell you but i had guava the other day and you were in my mouth but i managed not to choke it was quite the accomplishment, princess

[whoratrix]

I don’t know how to keep existing like this. I am on loop. I am always going to have to live with what I let them do to me. I’m always going to be too weak. Too oblivious. Too self destructive to care until it’s two months later and I’m shaking too hard to breathe. I understand the emotions. I understand my thought process and that it is flawed by pain but in the same moment the experience is still valid. The ache still exists my throat is still dry And knotted and ribs cracked and my freckles have been joined by pink patches of fresh skin. I just need something too far out of grasp. I don’t even know what I need I just can’t keep existing within myself anymore.

[whoratrix]

you are all i smell

[whoratrix]

It's so easy to fake until you're alone And all you can think about is that first night and the tension and the pain and the feeling of immortality that followed. Now there's faint nausea and sleepless nights and trying to make yourself less foreign. Autonomy versus shame So fucking and simple. It would be so simple. Sjsjjsjejejsjzhejebrbtbaol

[whoratrix]

Woke up from dream of you You had written about me. Detail after detail of every encounter and my smallest movements. I was encounter 40W because it was a Wednesday, like today.I woke up vomiting again.

[whoratrix]

i ache and i'm fighting for you

i'm really fighting for myself

if you get through then i can too

free fall with me one last time

[whoratrix]

I've been holding myself under water, to feel you again Nothing, not even drowning, is quite as evanescent as you my darling

[whoratrix]

I'm not tired but I cannot will myself out of bed. Last night I mistook blood loss for depression. What's my excuse now?