Weh

[whoreibleperson]

Darkness At The Heart Of My Love

We went and saw Ghost this week. Had a great time at the concert!

We both got T-Shirts (and ended up both wearing them to dinner tonight). Our friends thought it was cutesy, but he can't get mad at me because I had mine on first :P But this song came on last night while listening to spotify on the way home from dinner. We ended up parking in the driveway and listening to it all the way through because it was just hitting that musical spot. I was sitting there thinking about how it'd be a wonderful first dance song at a wedding, and letting my mind drift on it. To be honest I was thinking about a first dance with him, and how I... I want it so bad. Mid thought he goes "you know, this song would be great for a first dance at a wedding."

And of course I go "get out of my head!" but really I was thinking about how much... how much I love him. How I'm head over heels for him. How it doesn't matter what we label this, he's become this amazing rock in my life, someone I can't see myself without. Every day I think about him. Every day I mention him to someone. I can't imagine my life without his presence in it. He makes me feel calm and at ease without trying. He considers me. He cares about me. I... I dunno. At this point I'm just rambling about what he means to me. Our other friends tease us about how we act like a couple. Other people assume we're a couple. I want to be a couple.

I worry that maybe this is all there is. Maybe this is all I can get from him. And if that's the case I'll take it, but I wish it wasn't the case. I want to build a life with him. I want to be by his side always.

[whoreibleperson]

Unf

Love how my legs quake after a good hard orgasm.

[whoreibleperson]

I don't care what our dynamic is

I love him. He makes me smile. He brings me joy. I'm so excited when I see him. It's not butterflies, just... calm. Like everything will be okay. I hope he feels the same deep inside. I hope he misses me when I'm not around, sees a video and goes "She'd love that!", thinks of small ways to make my life better. Right now... he's all I want. I think he's all I'd ever want. I didn't expect it to turn out this way.

[whoreibleperson]

Waiting to get hired be like

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Like, for real. I know there's a process but waiting is absolutely killing me. Every little interaction I have with the company is wringing my guts because I am flat-out terrified I won't get hired. I know I'm going to get hired. I'm qualified, I'm capable. I can do the thing. And yet my brain gremlins are getting the best of me in ways only my toxic little brain gremlins can. I feel like I won't be satisfied until I get a hire date. I feel like I'm going to be wringing my hands and hyperventilating for at least another week. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to deal with my current job. I don't want to deal with shitty customers and a crappy boss and kjhkjuugfhkjuskljhfkljsdfhujhgfiusokh My poor roommate is going to have to tolerate me being a crazy bitch for a minute, and that shit suuuuuuuuuuuuucks for him.

[whoreibleperson]

So I... didn't fuck up

But I fucked up. I asked him last week "what are we?" He'd been expecting it for a while, I guess. We're D/s, we're best friends, but he likes being single. He's happy being single. He wants to stay single. And I'm okay with that. That's cool. Cool cool cool cool. He's inviting a friend over next weekend to play with, and I'm cool with that too. She's a nice lady, and I hope she enjoys the weekend. And yet here I am with a twinge inside, wondering if my emotions are too much, if I'm not what I think I am. I dunno. I'm a grown woman and I'm perfectly capable to handling this. I just wish it... i dunno. I wish it was a little different. But you get what you get in this world and that's ok.

[whoreibleperson]

He wants a titanium wedding ring

That is all.

[whoreibleperson]

So... discussing fancy dress turned into vaguely discussing weddings. Best man speech came up, and he mentioned that his best friends were all raging introverts, so the best man speech from them was out of the question. And then he remembers A****, a good friend (but not best friend) who happens to be very talented at public speaking. Off the cuff he says (as if he's speaking to this person) "Well A****, you jumped the gun on this a year ago, how do you feel about making a speech now?" A***** jumped the gun on assuming we were eloping in Vegas in January. I... is he... I think he did? I think he's thought about it. Like a lot. Shit, I love him.

[whoreibleperson]

I love him. Oh God, I love him. So much and so deeply.

[whoreibleperson]

He made my bed. I has a case of the fuck-its yesterday and left it a mess before work, and when I came home it was neat and tidy. He said it's because my cat didn't have anywhere to lay, but something tells me that's not quite it. Fuck, I love him.

[whoreibleperson]

Came to a family dinner, helped his mother tidy up after dinner (as one should): his mother goes "can you be my daughter-in-law?"

Well, it's not up to me honey; But I certainly wouldn't mind 🥰

[whoreibleperson]

Crossing things off my bucket list 👻

We decided to hop on over to a local cemetery, because it was just the right temperature for outside adventures. We did some walkies and talked. And then I got to feel him inside me ❤️ Pushed up against my car, tits out, bent over and rode hard until I couldn't take any more under a nearly full moon. Then we went home and had ice cream and watched Godzilla.

[whoreibleperson]

Gently but firmly massaging coconut oil into your roommate's legs is a love language. Having your heart do a little skip when they tell you where it feels really good is too.

[whoreibleperson]

I really should tell him I love him. We've got a trip coming up, heading out to the desert oasis for a bit of warm weather and fun. We've been accused of slipping off to another state to be wed, and we had a lot of fun giggling at that. He's heading out to work in this hot garbage white-out. Scooping drives and keeping everyone safe in this white nonsense. I wonder if he feels the same as me. I wonder if he has this attachment that... doesn't make sense but makes complete sense. I wonder if he considers the future like I do.

I swear one day I'll be brave.

[whoreibleperson]

One of my cats died this week. Went from perky and playful to listless and lethargic, taken to the vet and dead within 2 days. I was hopeful, then worried, then hopeful, then devastated. $3500 for a dead cat. He went with me. He stayed with me and held my hand. He saw me at my worst. He saw me barely keep it together, he saw me fall apart. He watched me make poor decisions about still going to work, and he witnessed me snapping at a customer on a bad day after. He's become my rock. A stable, strong, unwavering pillar in my life. I don't think I would have made it home if I went to that vet by myself. My mind was racing and stalling simultaneously, I had violent and dangerous intrusive thoughts of self-harm, and I had to make a conscious choice to not cut or burn myself that Sunday night. I was exhausted and bereft of tears, feeling dehydrated and empty. He guided me when I couldn't react. He'd nudge me in the right direction, guided me to the car, made sure I got where I needed to be. He put my bubby baby in my arms so i could hold him one more time. He was still warm and soft, even if he was limp. His little feeties didn't stick up like they used to, but He still felt like my baby. I wish I had taken more time to appreciate how soft and warm and loving my cat was before he passed. He wanted all the attention all the time, he wanted treats all the time, he wanted to be held and cuddled and loved. He'd run his fat butt up the stairs and sound like a stampede of elephants. He slept stupid, on his back with his legs splayed wherever he felt like, he loved his belly rubs and brushies. I hope his soul has crossed over, and he's watching me type this with tears in my eyes, and he's thinking "where my treats??"

[whoreibleperson]

I love him. The quiet moments, the movie watching, the reheating leftovers and cleaning out the fridge. When we're running errands or driving out of town because we're sick of being at home. In the shivering cigarette breaks and the moments when we're across the house, or across town doing our own thing. I love the way his eyes sparkle when he's discussing something he loves. I love his smile and the way his eyes crinkle just a bit. He makes me feel safe, and loved in a quiet way. He's my friend first, someone who gets me out of my head and into the world, into new hobbies, into nature. He remembers small things about me that I forget I've even told him. He's just... wonderful. Maybe one day I'll stop self-sabotaging and just be honest with him.

[whoreibleperson]

He whipped me last night

Got to break out his newest toy, glass handled and soft leather tails. It actually felt really good on my back, until he switched his grip. I'm a little disappointed I don't have any marks the next day. I really wanted some welts near my sit spots, or maybe a whip mark that creeps up the back of my collar. The handle of that toy is amazing. Firm and unforgiving, slipped in just the right spot. I'd love to be railed like that for a while, to be honest. Or one in front and him in the back. Filled. I wouldn't mind more interaction like that, or perhaps I should just... be more aggressive in asking for what I want. Slip between his legs and unzip his jeans and please him for a while. I want to please him, I want to make him happy and satisfied like he does for me. Man, I've really got a thing for him.

[whoreibleperson]

Yeah, still pretty sure it's love

He's back home and I'm pleased as punch. Spaghetti for dinner and just being bums around the house. He feels like home. Being around him puts me at ease. He manages to make me smile like no one else. One day I might actually tell him.