May times na umiiwas talaga ako sa tao not because may ginawa silang mali sa akin but because something about them feels off. Hindi ko ma-explain kung bakit kahit mukha naman silang mabait or friendly. Tapos malalaman ko na lang one day na tama pala yung nararamdaman ko. 🥲
Until now, it still hasn't fully sunk in that my cousin is preggy.
She's not just my cousin, I always considered her my younger sister. There came a point when we stopped talking. It was her decision. She wanted freedom kase — freedom to make her own choices kahit mali, follow what she wanted kahit delikado, and live life on her own terms after getting a boyfriend. My dad had practically become the father figure in her life since her mother worked abroad to support their education after their own father chose to leave and betrayed their family.
She slowly distanced herself from us. I think she wanted to escape the sermons, reminders, the strict guidance, and the people who would call her out when she made questionable decisions. She started coming home late from dates like madaling araw na or tanghali na.
Deep down I knew talaga na there was always a possibility that this could happen. But knowing something might happen and actually seeing it happen are two completely different things eh.
What hurts the most is that she chose to cut us off. I loved her like a younger sister and tried to protect her as much as I could. I would often treat her to meals, pamper her, and do little things for her because I wanted her to have high standards when it comes to relationships. I wanted her to know what it feels like to be valued, to choose a partner who can provide, has emotional intelligence and will lead her closer to God. Yet when I found out she was pregnant, none of that mattered. All I wanted was to support her in whatever way I could as an ate.
Sometimes I catch myself crying because a part of me still wonders if I could have done more. If I could have protected her better. — teka naiiyak na naman ako while typing this hahahaa.
And then there's the anger.
Ayaw panindigan ng ama yung pinsan ko kase may girlfriend na. They broke up 3 months ago. He wanted her to have an abortion as if the life growing inside her was nothing more than an inconvenience, sobrang kupal na inutil na bobo (sige, lahat na). That thought alone breaks my heart and fills me with a kind of anger I can't quite put into words. Gusto ko na lang ipa-kapon yung lalaki sa vet na walang anesthesia?
But right now, my feelings aren't what matter most. What matters is my cousin.
She needs guidance, she needs support...she needs someone she can lean on. So I'll try my best to be that person for her, esp now that she's carrying a child and navigating a season of life that is both beautiful and overwhelming. I find myself reading about newborn essentials, labor preparations, pregnancy nutrition and all the things she should avoid and should be doing to keep the baby healthy. It's funny how quickly your priorities change when someone you love is expecting.
Still, there's a sadness that lingers.
I grieve what happened to her. I grieve the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy. And I grieve the reality that her child may grow up without a father who willingly chose to be one.
But despite all of that, one thing remains certain: That baby is already loved. And no matter how painful this chapter may be, I hope both of them find the strength, support, and love they deserve in the days ahead.
fourth day in baguio with no itinerary — just taking things slow and enjoying every moment.
tomorrow's our last full day so my sister and I are going cafe hopping. so far, common ground has been my favorite. tried their hot sea salt coffee and girl, it was soooo good!!! foam coffee tho? hmm ambience? aesthetic. coffee? basic :’)
just soaking it all in before this little Baguio chapter ends. 🍂
— i told myself i'd be at the beach this week, resting after my last day at work. but here I am...shivering in the cold somewhere in baguio para samahan ang kapatid ko :’)
meron bang pogi, mayaman, grabe magmahal at di marunong magcheat dyan? single po sister ko HAHAHAHAHA
it's been quiet here for a while…
i know i once said i wouldn't come back but somehow, here I am again lol. I read your messages and i'm really grateful i found soft corners and kind people here.
lately, i've been choosing silence.
i stepped away from tumblr, ig and facebook just to breathe… just to feel a little lighter. Hindi kasi ako okay these past few weeks, and this space doesn't feel as safe as it used to.
i wish there was a way to make this place more private, just a small circle where only followers can see my posts. maybe someday.
for now, here are little pieces of my days:
another month, another gastos — quiet giving in different forms like a friend’s wedding, my parents’ aircon, our home in Lian, and a simple family outing
quiet celebrations and shared laughter at a friend's wedding with my love.
café hopping in Rizal with my boyfriend's friends
small attempts at taking care of myself: another skincare purchase, the Dr. Leo ceramide set. they say it works, so here we go again
my furbaby now healed after being neutered and playful again. tiny victories that feel a little like relief
and somewhere in between, searched for something new. a kind of work that feels lighter maybe something more independent, more my own kesa magbayad ng mas maraming tax sa bansang di naman ako mahal, charot. My co-worker got terminated kase layoff season na naman but lowkey wishing ako na lang sana na-terminate kase pagod na ko sa company na to.
PA emailed me and got a job offer last saturday while im on my vacayyy and just talked to my manager today that im going to resign na. bilis ng happenings lol
still fighting my battles silently and just trying to keep going. i don’t feel like myself lately talaga. nakakamiss tumambay sa coffee shop for hours, just having a quiet moment and letting time pass slowly. to the me who used to enjoy things... i miss you so much.
Spent holy week in Lian, a place that has always been my escape and source of peace. But this time, it felt different. There's a chance kasi na this might be our last Holy Week here with plans to turn our barangay into a golf course and condominiums, the home of my childhood memories may soon change forever. 🥺
It's hard to imagine losing a place that has given me so much comfort and quiet and every visit here feels like coming home. If this was my last, I'm just grateful I got to experience it one more time.
minsan talaga feeling ko sa mga walang self awareness at accountability eh things need to be blown out of proportion kasi di sila makakaintindi hangga’t walang consequences. 🤡 kumbaga fuck around and find out hanggang makahanap ka ng katapat.
Hiiiii! whyhendell? Because literally almost everyone I meet online asks me, "Why Hendell?" Eh hindi ko naman talaga name 'yon HAHAHAHA (Hanah talaga name ko mga mimah 😭)
I just didn't want to use my real name on social media likeeee konting mystery naman diba? So I searched online for names related to "Hannah" and that's how I found "Hendell".
Apparently, it's used in Yiddish as a variant of Hannah. Same meaning, same origin iba lang ang spelling pero ako pa rin 'to 😌✨
— spent the day with my man before he goes back to QC and honestly, I'm holding on to every moment. Life has been overwhelming lately but his presence brings me so much comfort. I'm beyond grateful to have him by my side during times like this. `౨ৎ~
izzy806
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
origamiaround