The topic of consent has been of growing interest in the news and in other public discussions about sexuality. Awareness on the issues surrounding consent has grown as an increasing number of individuals are publicly coming forward as victims of rape and sexual violence. It sickens me that it is so pervasive. Yes, I have my dark side, but the idea of indulging myself in that way, entirely against someone else's will, leaves me with nothing less than a bad taste in my mouth and a pit in my stomach. I am hopeful that occurrences of these atrocious crimes will soon be on the rapid decline. Consent needs to be a part of any sexual experience for it to be a happy and healthy one.
In the world of kink, the idea of consent generally works the same as in any other sexual encounter. However, in kink, people are beaten, whipped, pinched, and much more. The one binding element that makes these acts acceptable is consent. There is a number of people that disagree with that, claiming that no one should be "abused" even when consent is given, and I strongly disagree. If I want someone to tie me down and torture me with pain, then I should be able to have that experience, provided I find someone willing to administer it. But I think most people reading this are on board with that at some level. The real controversy that comes up in the world of kink is consensual non-consent (often abbreviated con non-con or CNC).
Consensual non-consent basically means that someone consents to having something done to them for a period of time, even if they change their minds during the act (i.e. no safe-words; no take-backs). Personally, con non-con activities are some of my favorites, though I can understand why someone might not like the idea. It does come with added challenges and risks. A participant needs to be in a good mental state and be certain of what they want. In these situations, the participants' trust in each other is even more important than in a regular consensual activity. Closer monitoring of the receiver's physical and mental health will be needed.
I think it is important to clarify that con non-con does not mean that if your partner consents to something, then you get to do it to them no matter what. First of all, there has to be a good discussion about, and understanding of, what con non-con means, and what specific activities and boundaries are going to be involved. It is also very important that the person explicitly consent to the non-consensual element of the activity--there should be no assuming here. And then, even though they have given consent, exceptional care should be taken to not permanently harm the receiver. While I feel that this should all be common sense, I am continually surprised each day by people's lack of empathy or respect for others. In the end, this is still supposed to be a positive experience for all participants.
This is a list of other precautions to consider when planning a con non-con activity with your partner:
Consult a physician or a mental health professional if you are unsure of the impact of a particular activity on your mental or physical health.
Learn the signs of common health afflictions that could accur during your activities: seizure, stroke, heart attack, fainting, cut-off circulation, suffocation, panic attack, shock, high/low blood sugar, allergic reactions, etc. While care should be taken with your partner, you never know what might go wrong! Make sure you are aware of any specific health conditions that your partner has.
If bondage is involved, learn how to tie or secure your partner correctly to prevent injury. Have an easy way to get them out in case of an emergency: scissors, key to locks, etc.
Know your partner's tolerance limits. If they have consented to being pushed past them, don't push too far. Afterward, you can ask them if they prefer more intensity next time.
Even if you don't like receiving what you will be giving, you should experience at least some of it first so you will have better empathy with your partner.
Make sure you agree upon a duration for the activity. For the first few, start with less time than you think you want. A 10-minute session might sound way too short, but if you find yourself in total agonizing torture that wasn't as fun as you were hoping for, you'll be thankful you started with a shorter duration.
Again, common sense here, but do NOT do anything that is not agreed upon explicitly!
Con non-con activities are usually about 90% fantasy and 10% reality. Most people who want to engage in such activities are envisioning something that doesn't quite translate to a fully simulated experience down to the finest detail. Try to understand it from a fantasy perspective and not something hyperrealistic. An example of this is how some people have rape fantasies, which are con non-con in nature. Seldom does this mean that someone desires a rape experience equal in every way to a real-world rape crime.
Which Activities Are Best for Con Non-con?
Of course, this is entirely up to you. As long as you are making safety a priority and use good ol' common sense, you can come up with all kinds of ideas. Look for those things that you love to hate. Those things that your mind loves, but your body just won't let continue. Or look for those things that you like because of the challenge. Good candidates are things that make you say a safe word when you didn't really want to. Below is a list of some ideas to get you thinking (admittedly biased towards my personal interests). These all assume the receiver is in bondage.
Nipple pinching: You can put someone in a lot of pain with little effort, and without causing lasting damage. Their eyes will light up and probably shed a few tears.
Spanking: A very common activity among the kinky. What if you can't stop it?
Ice: One of the most dreaded sensations. Run ice cubes along your partner's naked body. You might need a gag for this one; It's prone to eliciting screams of bloody murder! Your neighbors will think you're cutting them.
Toothpick torture: That's right, toothpick torture. Poke all over their naked body with a toothpick. Sharp enough to hurt, but dull enough to easily avoid breaking the skin. This can be very painful or ticklish in tender areas. Especially fun when they are blindfolded and don't know where you will strike next.
Tickling: If your partner is ticklish, they will try to chew off their arms to escape. Super fun! You may need that gag for this one too! Otherwise, if you go hard on them, prepare to loose some hearing and to listen to them curse you to the foulest pits of Hell between their laughs.
Itching: Give them an itch they can't scratch. tickle their nose with a paintbrush or run a string across their body. It's maddening!
Post-orgasm Torture: This is a good way to make someone hate you for a week. If you don't know what this is, it is essentially stimulating someone past the point of orgasm, which can be unbearably intense. Most describe it as painful or extremely ticklish. For many, it can be so effective, I strongly recommend doing no more than 30 seconds on your first try–Yes, you read that right: no more than 30 seconds to start!
Orgasm Denial & Edging: This can be brutal torture that has an equally strong pleasure element to it. You can play with them and stimulate them as much as you want, but delay or deny them their orgasm–It's wicked!
Chastity: Put them in a chastity device and you keep the key. This works especially well on males. If they've been bad, no release for them! Keep them in it for two weeks, teasing them to insanity with your body in the meantime. You'll never hear anyone beg like a man in a chastity device stuck in a room with a naked woman.
Random: Let them consent to having one of several possible things being done to them. Use dice, cards, or some other method to randomly choose which it will be!
Aftercare & Communication
Some people need more aftercare than others, and the specific activity you engaged in can make a big difference as well. Even if you or your partner don't normally find the need for it, aftercare should definitely be considered and discussed for con non-con activities. It brings both people back to a state of reality, and affirms that what just occurred was more representative of fantasy than anything else. It helps to unwind the tension, stress, and any feelings still lingering from the experience. What you do as aftercare is up to you, but consider these ideas: whispering gentle soothing things in their ear, cuddle in a comfy place, foot or back massage, watch a fun movie, eat some comfort food, listen to some calming music,take a nap together. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you also discuss the con non-con experience with them at some point before engaging in a new one. It doesn't have to be right away, but don't let too much time pass either. It's best to reflect on the experience with each other before memories and feelings become distorted by time. You want to learn how each other feels about the experience, what was liked, what was disliked, what could be done differently, and what to keep the same. Constructive communication is a cornerstone in building a strong healthy relationship and should always be prioritized.
