a silly idea: Robert and Flambae have been together for a while but haven’t had sex yet because they keep getting cockblocked in the stupidest fucking ways
The first time, they start getting frisky on Robert’s patio chair and it just collapses under their combined weight. Robert ends up breaking a couple fingers in the process, so they have to go to the hospital to get them set. He tries to insist that he can set them himself and they can keep going, and Chad tells him that he has two choices: he can go to the hospital and get them set, or he can set them himself and Chad will throw up on him. Either way, they’re not having sex tonight. Robert chooses the hospital
The next time, they make it to the bedroom, but there’s a fly that keeps buzzing around Chad’s face, and they spend the next half hour hunting it down. By the time they’ve finally found and killed it, both of them are sweaty and irritable and neither of them are in the mood anymore
Next time, they’re on the bed, completely naked and halfway through some hot foreplay, and they’re both excited and feeling good, and most importantly there are no flies in the room. But then Robert hears Beef throwing up in the other room and has to get up and take care of it, and the mood is ruined because nobody wants to get busy with the smell of dog vomit in the air
One time they get so close—they’re in bed, nobody’s injured, there are no flies, and Beef is asleep in the living room. But then Chad gets too into what Robert’s doing with his newly healed fingers and accidentally sets off the fire alarm, and they can’t turn it off quickly enough, and the whole building gets evacuated
Robert and Chad and Beef end up standing out front with about a hundred other people, all pissed off at being woken at such a late hour. Management calls the fire department, and Robert and Chad just have to stand there—hastily dressed and trying not to look too obviously sheepish—as they all wait for the building to be cleared. When the fire fighters finally give the all clear and everyone goes back inside, Chad is too mortified to do anything but hide his beet red face in the couch cushions while Robert pats his back
After that humiliating experience, Chad takes matters into his own hands. He plans everything out, down to the last detail—the bed is neatly made, the apartment has been searched top to bottom for bugs, Beef is spending the night with Chase, and the batteries are temporarily out of the fire alarm. Nothing is going to ruin this.
They get through all of the foreplay and prep, and Chad is just starting to relax and enjoy himself as Robert goes to press in…
And then fucking Malevola tears through reality and right into the fucking room with them.
Her eyebrows immediately raise at the sight of them naked on the bed. “Whoa, sorry babes!”
“What the fuck!” Robert barks, throwing the sheet over Chad in an attempt to preserve his modesty. Unfortunately, Chad’s so fucking furious that he almost sets it on fire, and Robert has to quickly take it back.
“Why the fuck are you here?” Chad bursts. “Jesus fucking Christ!”
“Hey listen,” Malevola says, holding up her hands, “I get that you’re upset, but neither of you have been answering your phones, and there’s sort of a city-wide emergency? Like, all-hands-on-deck situation?”
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Robert mutters, rubbing his face.
Chad’s out of the bed, pacing back and forth butt-ass naked and visibly steaming as he rants.
“I take the batteries out of the fire alarm, I send the dog away, I spend all fucking day looking for bugs—”
“Sure, man,” Malevola says cluelessly. “Just get suited up, will you? The rest of us are already on the clock.”
Sonar’s head pops through the rip in reality. “Hey so I checked Flambae’s place and he’s not th—no fucking way, were you guys BONING in here?”
“Get the fuck out!” Chad snaps.
“Both of you,” Robert says firmly, massaging his temple. “We’ll be there as soon as possible.”
Sonar turns back the way he came, but his words are still audible as he immediately starts spreading their business around the workplace. “Dude, I just saw Robert and Flambae’s co—”
His gossip is abruptly cut off as Malevola steps through the portal and closes it behind her.
Robert sighs, getting up to find his clothes. “Alright, let’s—”
“I swear to fucking god,” Chad seethes, yanking on his suit, “whatever bitchass villain is responsible for this is getting flame broiled, and don’t even try to talk me out of it.”
“Don’t worry,” Robert says darkly, “I’m in full support. Make sure to really char them for me, will you?”
“Don’t you dare be fucking sexy right now,” Chad complains. “I’m holding on by a thread, Robert.”
“Hey,” Robert says, his frown softening into a devious smirk, “get this taken care of quickly and maybe we can make it back here before we lose momentum.”
Chad’s suited up and out the door before Robert can even find his shirt.
