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Wiga Vivianingtiyas | Walking through crisis

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Red Flag

Going through a phase of life where we can’t even see our worth is tough. As we keep feeding our mind with negativity by saying that we’ll never be enough, we desperately need people to show the good things in us. At the end of the day, they are our support system who assure that life is worth living.

No one can’t predict whose paths will happen to cross in life, though. We could either be more than grateful to meet them or willing them to stay away from our life. Meeting people we’d never want to be in our life is unavoidable. One thing for sure is it happens a lot, and all we can handle is our reactions towards it.

Long story short, I saw people approaching me and being close to me. We were close to the point that I shared stories of my life, and they started noticing my strengths and weaknesses. However, it bothered me how they eventually demanded to be specialized and prioritized among those around me. They started intruding my personal space. They’d love listening to my problems and insecurities, but then they ended up judging me. For a lil mistake I made, they constantly pointed out how bad I was. For not willing to overshare my privacy, they got mad at me unreasonably. For sticking to my principles, they ignored and treated me like a trash. Everything happened just like that. Yet not long after, they changed their minds and acted like nothing happened.

So creepy, indeed! I wondered what was on their heads and how they could be so heartless. I hung on there till I noticed this might be a red flag. I realized that they are the ones I have to keep the distance from for the sake of my mind and mental health. Keeping up with them will only suck your energy and turn you to hate yourself. They trigger that guilty feeling of yours for not being able to be the person they want you to be based on their parameter.

Eventually, I am thinking that I’d better off them. I slowly move away and choose not to give a shit. Even when they say something which is not true, I let go of the need to explain myself. Now that their judgement means nothing to me, I live a so much happier life. 

Life gives us options in many things. It sets us free to choose where we belong despite the reasons why we remain staying in one place. It gives us privilege to choose people we’d want to be surrounded by despite how many bad ones keep coming around to our life.

Choose your people wisely, it matters.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Is it that you have trust issues, or you just need all respects for your privacy?

It’s a tricky question. Speaking of which, I am often misunderstood and this needs to be clarified, tho. I realize that some people are building relationship without knowing that there’s boundary in between. This boundary has, in fact, been right there since the beginning unless it’s got rid at our convenience. Some are mindful of its existence yet some others refuse to see it. I thank to those who don’t cross the line. They know that there’s part of one’s life they wanna keep for him/herself. And for those thinking that people draw a line in purpose because they have trust issues, think about it over again. Despite the types of relationship people have, that line comes first circling oneself, and then someone else tries to jump over it. C’mon, some people just need respects for their privacy.

Including me.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Hypothetical Woman

I've been having a million thoughts racing in my head lately. So many 'what ifs?' I doubt myself a lil' more, a lil' more, a lil' more each day, and it sucks. I end up questioning myself about how I feel, but I can't be sure if I'm completely fine or I just don't feel anything. This emptiness, tho. I'm lost.

I am in my 20s having a repetitive life that I'm not really into. Come to think of it, I feel like I'm being ungrateful. I do complaining a lot and get easily down when things don't work out as I planned. I always thought I had gone extra miles and worked so hard. Sadly, life hit me even harder. It makes me mentally lost, thinking that my life's a failure.

It's been three years, I feel like I have nobody to guide me. I do things in doubts most of the time. Seems there’s no way of knowing if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I used to have role models that I looked up to, the ones I asked for a piece of advice in tough situations. Now I’m living in a house of fear. Once I step out of my door, I gotta choose the road I’m passing on all by myself.

I might not be the only one who’s going through this phase of life. I'm by far consumed by the fear of failure, fear of taking the wrong way, fear of not being able to get back to my doorstep before hitting that road, and many other fears. However, I keep telling myself that no matter what future holds, the things you can do are to make a decision and live it with all the consequences. This is life, dear. You just gotta take the leap.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Juvenile part of me

Here’s the part where I’m supposedly not but can’t help whining about some people.

Sorry, I am kinda in the zone here and a bit set in my ways. I’m basically a good listener, but kind of reluctant to hear people being so stiff with their views and beliefs. What brings the look of annoyance on my face is, them trying to voice their ideas with lots of justification just to make others follow their lead. I’d rather say nothing than having a confrontation. You're going with your ways, but I'd be sticking with my own instead. My mind is my territory you couldn’t step into as you wish. 

Why bother telling someone what’s and what isn’t right? Life's not all about making rules, after all, your word-action balance is a lot more important. So please, stop talking rubbish and practice what you preach.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

A letter to my lil’ girl

She never thought years passed by that fast. She was a young little girl back then when the only thing she really wanted to do on the weekend is watching Sunday-morning cartoons all day long. Spending hours in front of the television had always been a weekly plan for years, 'till one day, she wasn't into it at all. Her taste completely changed.

As her birthday was coming up, like most little kids at her age, she eagerly looked forward to all the wishes and gifts. Though lately, birthday seems to be just another day; a day nothing she could expect from. This girl stops hoping her people gather around and sing her “happy birthday”. Such thing now feels silly and, yep, a bit childish. 

Back on her childhood, it always broke her heart to hear people arguing, so she would just lock herself in her room and cry her eyes out. The world has been tough since then, and everybody keeps telling her to have a stronger heart and stand on her own feet. In the end, she's been hard even on herself ‘till sometimes she forgets to be soft.

Time flies, she has finally grown up over time. She knows what she wants and what kinda woman she always wants to be. She sends prayers every single day that she would have a life as a woman she’d been dreaming of.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

17, and we got a dream to have a family, a house, and everything in between. And then, oh, suddenly, we turned 23. And now, we got pressure for taking our life more seriously

benny blanco, Halsey & Khalid – Eastside

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Naked

Two people were tied with the wedding rings. It was the biggest step of life that there must be a commitment in between. Both should've got it all planned out. It ain't all about throwing a party to impress people. Rather, how they'd live their life after the celebration things; about how they prepared themselves to handle the life that's full of surprises.

Based on a TV serial I watched, one big question a couple has to ask in building a relationship is, whether they have been trusting each other. Trust enough to take off their clothes and be naked. Whoops, it's pretty vulgar, but the analogy's pretty much true. They have to release every piece of their clothes, so nothing's covered up. This is how a relationship is supposed to be.

I hope they've not been missing out on a valuable life lesson. The time they decide to get married, love is no longer an abstract concept. They have to struggle and sacrifice many things for the sake of the family. It's never easy, I know right? But yes, it is how it is. Not a few families in this world that screwed the whole things up and ended up in divorce. Though there was a more severe situation; that's when they retain a marriage that has actually lost even a lil' hope to survive.

with love, ❤

[wigavivianingtiyas]

The Last Page

So, another year's gonna be over in just a few hours. It likely the whole 'new year, new me' thing is just around the corner. People are excitedly coming up with the plans and a long to-do list. Resolutions, they name it, the thing I could never seem to stick to.

Now I'm on the last page of my closing chapter. I have been (not-so-successfully, tho) through this roller-coaster year. Thanks to those who taught me how to get a life at this totally ridiculous age of twenty-two. I wish you all nothing but a (hopefully) blissful year!

[wigavivianingtiyas]

My People

Looking back on the fond memories I made with people from the past year. Cheers to those who made me feel the luckiest person alive, the people who I considered significant in my life, the people who expressed sincere love to me,  the people who burst me into laughter over small things, the people who burst me into tears for the deep talk we had, the people who asked me, "hows life, b*tch?", the people to share all the problems with that we started wondering why life was sooo "jahat" (HAHA!), the people who always reminded me to count blessings, the people who'd definitely make me cry my eyes out if they left, the people who gave me enlightenment and encouragement when I was at my lowest point, the people who I could open up to without the fear of being judged, the people who helped me shape my mindset and turned me into a more mature person. Not to mention, the people who taught me to celebrate success and embrace failures. Ily ({})

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Take a lil’ time to think

Given that pleasing everyone is almost impossible, you know what's so funny? I bet most people somehow agree with this yet are still becoming upset if somebody can’t manage to please them.

There’s one thing that keeps crossing my mind just recently. It is a question of whether we, as humans, have so far been demanding to each other without realizing it. We might know that pleasing every single person on Earth isn’t an easy task, but it turns out that we DON’T really understand this. There’s a part of us that seems to miss the idea of how often we expect others to do things for the sake of our pleasure.

Simply put, I don’t think it’s fine to expect others to please us while at the same time, we get this pretty well that we can’t please everybody. Common people, stop making others feel pressured and uneasy for not being able to give you pleasure, and start to be more considerate to each other.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

A friend of mine

I’m telling you a little something about a friend of mine. She’s quite naive and judgmental sometimes. She is used to being clumsy in almost everything, and pretty bad at thinking on her feet. No wonder if she often regrets the things she has done, and it annoys me more than anything when she's being so cynical about life. She wants to turn back the time and undo everything. Dream on, little girl! Don't you think that she wouldn't be able to learn anything once she does? 

Aside from her clumsiness, she has quickly changing emotions. She can be unreasonably happy over something, and then suddenly cries herself a river unexpectedly in a weird way. She loves to be left alone with stuff she likes, though all of sudden, she doesn't even know why none of them seems appealing. Ahh, it's because all of the stuff she’s supposed to like is usually crappy. You know, she's fond of trivial things nobody will even pay much attention to. Who cares, though? She's somewhat into little things which make her happy. She'll be delighted for having even just one person who listens to and truly understands her heart.  

She likes mingling and being surrounded with people, but not as much as she likes being alone. Ewh. She always thinks that she deserves some time for herself. Anyway, if only you wanna get to know her, yep! she's a friend of mine, named "me". 

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Jakarta Rush Hour

Took a short glimpse of our capital city through the window. It was definitely worth a look. The sun was about to set and the airplane was about to land when I was taking this pict. At this hour, I imagined Jakarta as a lively diverse mess down there. People were on the way back home from work, many vehicles were passing by, and the streets were full of air pollution.

NYTimes once released an article mentioning Jakarta as the city where nobody wants to walk. It said what I've always thought. That, safety is an issue. Walking on sidewalks is even dangerous when we have to fight against aggressive motorists who get stuck in a traffic jam, and carelessly ride their motorbikes on the sidewalks. In the midst of the traffic jam, you'd hear the honking get louder, the curses of angry people and the pitchmen offering their wares. This kinda hubbub is something you'd be hard to escape from, not only in the main street but also other places around the capital city, like the train station. I experienced standing in a commuter line for the whole time during my trip from Depok station to Jakarta Kota station at the rush hour. I couldn't even find a lil' space to move.

Yep! No situations could describe my mind right now but Jakarta at the rush hour. Hectic, and such a mess. Feels like I'm overthinking about everything. I'm worried too much about something that can't yet be seen. I cannot live for now without having thoughts of the next three days. I've got lots of unfinished tasks, short-to-long term plans, and daily-unchecked lists to do. I know I should've enjoyed every second of my present, come what may. Thou I can't just take my future for granted. With a bit tiny of hope, when I have hit the top of my life and lived it to its possible fullest, I can see this mess as beautiful as Jakarta from above.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Untitled, 2018

If everyone keeps telling you that life is as easy as taking candy from a baby or that it's supposed to be beautiful and sweet, sorry it's usually not. Even so, I hope you don’t ever lose hope. I hope you keep putting up your hope high to the life that, instead of granting your wishes, shatters your hopes into million pieces. I hope you keep going on with something you get an overwhelming desire for in life. I hope you’ll survive any shortcomings that keep you apart from your goals. Lastly, even if you fall down and hit your lowest point, I hope you’ll keep your head up and continue with your life. Cause eventually, everything will make sense to you and fall into place.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

My S-O-L-O Life (Part I)

People seem to be cute and romantic when they're in a relationship. They're off falling in love and acting sweet to their sweethearts; texting all day in a chat room, sending an unexpected lunchbox to the office, having dinner in new-opening restaurants, going to cinemas watching the over-hyped most anticipated movies, or making plans for a vacation to collect fond memories together. These are the things lovey-dovey couples, at least those who are around me, commonly do.

I might want to do that couple stuff sometime, but the problem is "you can't do any of that unless you have somebody to do with". It's not like I care so much about getting into relationships. Well, I'm just wondering how it feels being that much well-treated by somebody you love who loves you back. I'm wondering how it feels having somebody who can be your stress reliever, somebody who can be the pill to ease the pain after facing a long hard week, somebody who can lift up your spirit, somebody who you can do all those stupid and goofy stuff with, somebody who can make you a complete idiot, somebody who introduces you to some new things, somebody who adores you with all your flaws and scars, somebody who confesses his true feelings, somebody who can make you blush all the way home and somebody who you can call as a home.

Falling head over heels in love is kinda the loveliest thing in the world when you're a part of it. But, if you think a relationship is all about passionate love and great chemistry between two souls, it's false. That's only one part. Another part comes up with someone getting hurt. There must be reasons for any arguments and fightings they get into i.e., different mindsets/goals of life, one/two parties change over time, the doomed yet hopeless LDR, the third-wheel (?), and so on. I think it's safe to say that some couples make through all the negativity flowing into their relationships, but the rest end up with breaking up. If any of those people have been in a painful relationship yet don't have the fear to start again and over again, it's because they think they'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. While for some others, the pain appears like a nightmare that they'd so much rather enjoy their solitude and choose, you know, not to get into that coupley stuff.

***Everything I write about in this post is on the basis of what I observe and reflect on my surroundings; every lil' thing I see from people who've been madly in love or ... wounded in love.

I'm single, and I've been single all my life (okay, bring the mockery, I'll take it!). When you're single, all you're looking for is happily-ever-after. It's alright if everything you do every single day is all the stupid single stuff. As long as you're happy, then that's all the matter. 💛

[wigavivianingtiyas]

Life’s changing, Love ain’t

That feeling still lingers even after many years. This is what I hate the most about having crush on someone (I omit the word “love”, anyway). I hate how hard it is to get you off my mind, I hate that I never skip a day to think of you, I hate the fact that I’m always back to you, and I hate that every song I listen to is all about you.

It’s not a typical love story everyone would’ve wished for cause just so you know it’s no more than a sad beautiful tragic. Way back when I was fifteen, I was startled by the love confession from someone. I was being naive and thought that I never had a thing about love. I broke someone’s heart. I guessed every piece of my heart was all his that I couldn’t find a place for someone else. 

Long story short, I started afresh with the story of us. We were close enough to hang out with our regular friends in our regular places. I knew your fave songs and you told me about your dreams. I ever thought that you belonged with me. But crap, it’s a huge mistake that hurt me eventually. I’d have made a complete fool of myself. I was annoyed by the time that was never right for us and the fact that you belonged with her.

Reminiscing about the past makes me feel like I got dumped so many times.  You kinda easily come and go even after years. I acted like everything was fine, and realized that was the reality I should overcome. I wouldn’t want to deal with such feelings, no more. I took everything I had within me to let you go, but I chickened out in the end. I was totally okay until you showed up all of a sudden, and I watched this bizarre story begin again. I blew it.

It’s seven years later. I’m turning 22 in just few hours. Dude, I still remember when I had the best day with you. That day was like a fairy tale. (Will we be able to go back there? *kidding). I still remember when you broke me just like a promise. I still remember having everyone on my birthday but you. You didn’t show up, and that was the moment I knew. I still remember every time our friends asked me if I loved you, I’d lie for sure. I remember it all too well.

I’m longing for you yet I wouldn’t call you though sometimes I almost do. I am pretty sure that our thing won’t last, and you won’t be my forever and always. Everything has changed, dear. After all, I am looking forward to meet and hang out with you again one day when we both are fine as friends. 

***

I picked up some lines from Taylor Swift’s big hits. Thanks to her for filling my teenage years with such great musics and beautifully written song lyrics.

[wigavivianingtiyas]

A Calling

I was a bit puzzled that I hadn't had my life figured out back then when I was 14. Till the time I stepped my foot in college, still feeling like I lost my passion for everything. Years after years, I explored what I was truly hooked on. It was during my final year of college that I finally get to know what I was willing to pursue.

Eventually I found the gap in the blocked access towards my passion. It was hard at the very beginning when I had to have a ton of studying. Thou, I ran into what I had really really been waiting for. Oh, if you wanna know what I named it, read the title again.

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Dang! When did exactly I ever write this? and where’s that calling gone?