Syd

These are the parts of me that aren’t that pretty.

[wildech1ld]

I was fat when I was in high school. Could not get a date to save my life.

Then I was anorexic, like rail thin no muscle nothing. Then I was fat again.

I started bodybuilding, committed to the grind, I’m the hottest I’ve ever been, I’m we’ll traveled and well read, I’ve got a really cool job, I’m already on my way to the start of a very lucrative career in the entertainment industry, working on my second degree,

I have guys asking me out every night three times a night. HOT guys. Tens.

It’s so easy for me to get a first date.

It’s the second date that I can’t seem to get.

I thought if I fixed the outside they’d finally see me.

All they see is a shiny toy they pick up, play with for ten minutes, and get bored with and throw away.

I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill.

No matter how much work I put into myself—my career, my life goals, my hobbies,

It’s just never enough.

They always throw me away.

[wildech1ld]

Loving you is like a rollercoaster

I’m not sure whether I should white knuckle the hand rails and hold on for deal life,

Or jump off before we get too high.

I keep finding reasons to push you away,

Terrified we’ll break down before we have the chance to plunge.

You always did have a way of getting me high and leaving me right at the precipice—when I had the furthest to fall.

Maybe I should leave you at the top this time.

Maybe I don’t want to give you my heart

When I can’t trust you not to drop it.

I’m so terrified to love you again.

[wildech1ld]

Can it be socially acceptable to be like yo I gotta cancel this meeting I’m having a full mental breakdown

[surferboianddollbaby]

[wildech1ld]

You asked me if it was your fault—

The drugs, the abusive boyfriends…among other things.

I said no.

But it was your fault.

How could I possibly have self worth when you told me I was worthless?

How could I possibly love myself when you told me you wished I didn’t exist?

How could I tell you that I was taken advantage of that night when you called me a slut?

How could I possibly think I deserved more than an abusive boyfriend when you spent your whole life abusing me?

How could I possibly think I DESERVED love when you told me I was a piece of shit?

How could I leave him when I couldn’t trust you to protect me?

How could I possibly come home when you kept throwing me out?

How could I tell you anything when you didn’t want to listen?

[wildech1ld]

I never saw the bruises, but I did see you bleed.

You said you fell.

We both knew it was a lie.

I heard you screaming in the bathroom.

I always thought it was my fault.

I thought you hated me.

I thought I was the reason he screamed at you.

But it was never about me.

It was never about you either.

It was about him.

Everything was always about him.

If only I’d known.

If only I’d known that I wasn’t the only one he was hitting.

But you never said a word.

I felt so alone. I thought I was bad and that’s why he hit me and no one else.

You always said that I caused it.

You told me that I did something bad, and I needed to take responsibility.

But what did you do?

What did you do that made him hit you too? Does that make you bad or does that make us both victims?



Why did you stay silent?

Why did you stay by his side and fervently defend him.

You screamed when he hit me.

You screamed when he choked me.

You screamed when he dragged me and threw me onto the doorstep.

But you stayed.

I’ve lost count of the times I asked you why he slept so much.

He slept all day and all night.

You said he was sick.

And he was, but not the kind you catch.

Now that I know, I wonder why he chose the pills over us.

Were we really so bad?

Was it truly better to be blissfully asleep, high out of your mind than here with me? With your family?

You always said that I villainized you.

If only I’d known that you were just as much of a victim as I was.

That you were just as terrified of the monster in our house.

Now he’s gone.

Am I supposed to be sad?

At first you were sad…but now you seem better than you ever did with him.

People keep asking if I’m happy he’s dead.

I lie and say no.

But the answer is yes.

Yes dad, I’m happy you’re gone.

We’re finally free.

[wildech1ld]

Why did you have to go?

Don’t you know I’m not ready?

I still need you. WE still need you.

I wasn’t ready.

I miss you dad.

[wildech1ld]

I’d never admit it but I resent my brother for monopolizing my dad and taking up all his time. Every time I called my dad was either too sick to talk or busy with my little brother. I called him and called him and called him the week he died. My mom told me he said he was going to call me next week. But he never got that chance and I never got to say goodbye. But my brother did. And I resent him for that, I resent that he got so much time with dad before he died and I got so little.

[wildech1ld]

I wish I could go back in time just to hang out with my dad.

[wildech1ld]

February 5, 2022

Instead of crying, today I finished writing my first book

[wildech1ld]

My dad died Monday January 31, 2022

I haven’t told many people. I haven’t posted on my actual social media.

I’m going to start posting things I did instead of crying each day. It’s been 4 days since my dad died.

Thursday February 3, 2022:

Instead of crying, today I made some clay sculptures with my boyfriend.

[wildech1ld]

I started writing a book. I haven’t even told my parents but I guess I’ll tell you guys since I don’t actually know any of you but you’ve read my most secret innermost thoughts. Kind of a weird paradox don’t you think? In a way, you guys know more about me than anyone. Anyways I’ll post a link once I publish it, probably will be next year. Anyone know good book publishers

[wildech1ld]

“You’re absolutely astoundingly gorgeous and that's the least interesting thing about you"

—Anonymous

[wildech1ld]

“Okay well the first thing over all is that she's just cute. Like her face, her smile, sometimes when we're talking she'll say something cute. I don'reall y know what to say. She's got a great sense of humour. What's not to like? I don't know what else to say specifically that's cute. She's just herself cute. I like her voice. I like how she looks great even when she's not trying to. I like how her face lights up when she's excited."

-anonymous

[wildech1ld]

You’re going to date a lot of god awful people and you’re going to think that you love them and that maybe they’re the one. And then you’ll break up and realized they sucked.

But don’t regret a minute of that. These are the people that will show you what you DON’T want. They’ll guide you and show you what you need, what you deserve.

And when you meet the right person it’ll be that much sweeter. You’ll truly appreciate what you have.

[wildech1ld]

Our time may have been brief, but even now that you’re gone and I’ve no idea when I’ll see you again...every moment with you was a gift. Every day with you, even when we fought, was worth it. Every second I got to hold your hand and gaze into your eyes, every kiss, every time I heard you laugh was worth the pain when you left. I have never felt love like I did with you. I have never felt as loved by anyone as I did you or loved someone as much as I love you.

[wildech1ld]

Maybe If I play the music loud enough it’ll drown out the thoughts I don’t want to hear