pairing: dave york x f!reader / joel miller x f!reader
word count: 1k
content warnings: 18+ blog; death, grief/loss, major character death (no description of said death), AU and crossover universes, kind of fluffy, navigating loss, reader is non descriptive/blank slate.
notes: this randomly came to me yesterday on my walk. It was meant to be just a moodboard and a small blurb to go along with it… and then this happened. Oops! Tried to pack a lot into a small thing so hopefully it makes sense.
Momentos of him, your late husband, have remained tucked away for the last year following his unexpected death. As you settle into your new widowed life and new home over a thousand miles away from the life you created with Dave, all the beautiful memories reside in cardboard boxes out of sight.
Word travels quickly through the small neighborhood about your arrival and marital status— or lack thereof. Welcoming introductions turn into unannounced check-ins and flowers. Uncomfortable small talk on your front porch is sprinkled throughout the following weeks, a hand on your shoulder accentuates their let us know if you need anything. Sympathetic casseroles finally dwindle allowing you to finally ease into this new season of your life.
The hammock left by the previous owners becomes your sanctuary most evenings. Searching for the brightest star in the night’s sky, then asking Dave how he’s doing before reading aloud to him the words from your latest book.
It's days later when you’ve read the final word that a small voice from over the fence manifests as a quirky teenage girl sitting at a table you’ve set up on your back patio. She has a million and one questions about the book and is filled with theories about what happens beyond its ending. The side gate is never regularly latched closed now, eagerly awaiting Ellie’s return. She navigates most of your late night conversations that follow, including personal stories and the history of her life. My grump of an old man is in construction. He’s single by the way— not by choice, but life happens.
His voice is calloused the first time he makes his presence known to you. Goddamn it, Ellie! I told you to leave her alone! They exchange brittle words back and forth through the shared barrier, before you insist he join the two of you. The crunch of his boots on the ground stall when he towers over where you’re still seated. His hand engulfing yours, warm and gentle as he tries to determine where his gaze should fall— you, the ground, the smirking teenager sitting across from you. Joel. Joel Miller. Uh, Ellie n’ I live next door. Not sure how long she’s been botherin’ you, but I’ll be sure it doesn’t happen again.
It’s weeks later when you run into Joel at the mailboxes. The clanking of keys and squeaky hinges fill the space between you before you’re both retreating back to your respective pathways. Your hands fidget and twist the bills and letters from your parents when you bravely initiate a conversation before he’s able to reach his front door. She’s the first person since moving here who wanted to talk to me about something other than the death of my husband. I don’t think I’ve laughed as much as I have with her in a long time. She’s welcome over here anytime.
He reeks of nervousness as he stands on your doorstep the following evening. The ambered hue of his eyes absorb the warmth from the front porch light, adding a brightness to them that they seem to be commonly lacking. His words waver a bit as he begins to speak, starting and stopping, scrubbing his hand down his face before he attempts to start again. You offer him nothing but patience, sensing the mournful energy radiating off him— similar to the one you’ve been carrying. My wife and older daughter— they were both in an accident on their way to Sarah’s soccer game. I was pickin’ up Ellie from her counseling group for adopted kids. We were headin’ to the soccer field when I got the call. Some days are harder than others. And everyone wants to help, however that may be— lots of food as I’m sure you know. It doesn’t ever really get easier, but you learn to live with grief. Anyways, if you ever need anything or just want to talk— you know where I live.
He accepts your impulsive invitation to join you for dinner, offering him the open seat across from you in the same spot as your timid first meeting. The crickets orchestrate the evening ambience as you share stories you’d tucked away, too painful to revisit until now. You find you laugh just as much, if not more, with Joel. Even among the tears shed, the conversation is filled with a hope and optimism that you longed for.
You still feel his wholesome embrace long after you’ve called it a night to seek out much needed sleep. But much like the nights that ensued after Dave’s death, loneliness and the weight of your grief rear its head.
The black ink glides over the surface of the paper. Line after line formulated a year’s worth of unsaid words that had been bottled up and blockaded by the rigid walls you’d built around them. Joel was right about the therapeutic effect of getting rid of the burdensome thoughts that come with loss, finding it’s hard to stop now that you’ve started.
You convey the love that you still carry for Dave, something you’ll never willfully ignore or regret. It feels wrong but you touch on the hatred you feel towards his death; you hate him for leaving you, hate that you miss him, hate that some nights you forget the small details that you cherished about him. You tell him about Joel and the kindness he’s afforded you in a short time of knowing him and that there’s life beyond losing the love of your life. To look for the light even when shrouded by darkness.
Pictures and trinkets find their way out of the cardboard confines Joel helped pull out from the guest room closet. The bare walls now filled with familiar faces and shelves adorn with colorful memories that you tried so hard to keep hidden.
Joel and Ellie being a constant presence in your life allows you to see that life can surprise you when you least expect it and there’s room for new love.
@wildemaven & I put our heads together and did a thing. Hope you don't mind that we borrowed Clementine for a bit. 🤗 💕
pairing - Michael Robinavitch x ofc! Clementine Davis
word count - 500ish
warnings - absolutely none. it's all fluff.
"What's this for?" Clementine questions as Topaz - her name badge today says Opal - slides a small cup and saucer in front of her.
"Jack and Alix were here this morning and she mentioned it was your birthday. But also, you look like maybe you could use a pick-me-up," she shrugs.
"That bad, huh?" Clem huffs out a soft laugh, pulling the coffee and ice cream concoction closer before taking a sip. "Long day. This is delicious, though. Thank you."
"Salted caramel java chip affogato. Secret menu item for my favorite customers," she smiles and gestures to Clementine's outfit, a step up from the scrubs she normally sees the other woman in. "Big plans tonight?"
"I had a date. Friend of my brother's. He got waylaid. It's fine," Clementine waves a hand dismissively. "Stopped next door and grabbed a bottle of wine, thought I'd pop in here and get something for dinner to go with, and celebrate at home on my couch in my pajamas."
Topaz looks up as the bells over the front door of the diner announce a new arrival and then she grins back at Clem.
"Flattered as I am to be even minutely included in your alternate birthday plans, I think I have a better idea for you and that bottle of wine."
"Selling alcohol now, T?" Robby asks as he reaches the counter, having only caught the tail end of her and Clementine's conversation.
"Ya know, I'm really struggling to get that liquor license approved. There's one guy on the city council that still has beef with Myrna. I can't imagine why," Topaz deadpans.
"Do I even want to know?" Robby laughs, placing a hand on the back of Clementine's chair and Topaz doesn't miss the way they both seem to relax just a fraction and lean into the other's orbit.
"Probably not. If you don't know, you can't be forced to testify," she grins. "What you should know however, if you don't already, is that it's my girl Clementine's birthday and it is absolutely criminal that—"
"Oh, no, Topaz," Clem shakes her head, swiveling her stool so she can look back and forth between the two of them. "Michael, really, no, please do not listen to her—
"She plans on going home and celebrating alone," Topaz continues, talking over Clem and reaching under the counter to grab Robby's take out order and sit it in front of him. "When you have more than enough here to share and I'll even throw in a couple slices of Hazel's lemoncello mascarpone cake for dessert."
"Robby, ignore her. I'm sure you have other plans and—"
"Clem," Robby interjects, smiling softly at her. "I would be honored to share my dinner and have the pleasure of your company. You like carbonara?"
"I do actually," Clementine says, smiling back at him. "That sounds wonderful."
"Well then," Robby grins, holding his hand out and Clementine takes it readily, letting him pull her up from her stool. "Your place or mine?"
dusting this off & throwing it back out in the universe for its 1 year anniversary/Betty & Clementine's birthdays!! will probably spend the day wondering if Clementine and Robby ever got their shit together, or maybe she finally gave her brother's friend a chance, or maybe some secret third option..... 🥳🎂💕
summary : everyone knows you and robby are like two magnets, pulled together and destined to be together. everyone except the two of you, apparently.
word count : 10.1 k
warnings : mentions of blood, passing out, smut, p in v, semi-public sex, unprotected sex (wrap it up), 18 +, MDNI , implied aged gap , fingering
a/n: as usual, not proofread !
The waiting room looks like hell.
Not metaphorically. Literally.
Too bright. Too loud. Too many people packed shoulder-to-shoulder beneath fluorescent lights that wash everyone the same sick shade of exhausted gray. A toddler screams somewhere near triage. Somebody vomits into a plastic bag near the reception desk. EMTs burst through the ambulance bay doors every six minutes carrying fresh disasters like offerings.
And over all of it: the constant overhead paging.
The ER never really sleeps. It just bleeds into the next catastrophe.
“You got a room for a possible bowel perf?” a paramedic barks, already wheeling the patient forward.
“Trauma Two,” You answer automatically without looking up from your chart.
“Trauma Two’s occupied.”
“Then hallway bed six.”
“That guy’s psych hold.”
“Then put him literally anywhere with oxygen and a pulse ox.” The paramedic grins tiredly.
“That’s why I like you.”
“Yeah, well, poor judgment’s a recurring theme around here.”Behind you, a familiar voice cuts through the noise immediately.
“She flirts with everybody before midnight. Don’t take it personal.”
You don't have to turn around to know it’s Dr. Robby. Still, your stomach betrays you anyway.
Stupid thing.
The paramedic laughs.
“Damn, Robby. Possessive tonight.”
“That’s not what this is,” Robby mutters immediately.
You finally glance up. Big mistake. He looks exhausted. Not regular exhausted. Hospital exhausted. The kind that settles into the bones after too many double shifts and too many people dying under your hands no matter how fast you work. His dark curls are damp at the temples from hours under harsh ER heat, scrub top wrinkled, stethoscope hanging crooked around his neck. And still— still unfairly handsome. You hate that about him.
Hatesthat after fourteen hours on shift he can still look across a trauma bay and make your brain briefly stop functioning like a licensed medical professional. The paramedic wheels off laughing. Robby steps into the space beside you immediately, eyes dropping to the chart in your hands.
“You re-order the labs on Bed Nine?”
“Mmhm.”
“He needs another lactate.”
“Already done." Robby’s mouth twitches faintly.
Of course it is.
Working with him became dangerous months ago.
Not because he’s difficult.
The opposite.
Because somewhere along the line the two of you became… this.
Too synced up.
Too aware of each other.
Too comfortable.
You know how he takes his coffee.
He knows when your migraines start before you say anything.
You hand him instruments before he asks during procedures.
He automatically moves people out of your path during traumas without even looking.
Nobody misses it. Especially not Dana.
“You two are way past appropriate,” she muttered three shifts ago while watching you two argue over a chest tube placement like a divorced couple.
You laughed.
Robby didn't.
Now he leans slightly over your shoulder, scanning the chart.
“You eat yet?” There it is. Every damn shift. You keep your eyes on the paperwork.
“I had coffee.”
“That ain’t food.”
“It has nutritional value emotionally.”
“Cute.” His tone flattens immediately. “Eat somethin’.” You scribble another note onto the chart.
“Yes, dad.” Robby sighs through his nose. Not annoyed. Worse. Concerned.
“Seriously.”
“I’m fine.”
“You said that six hours ago.”
“And look.” You gesture vaguely at yourself. “Still vertical.” His eyes flick over your face briefly. Too briefly for anybody else to notice. Long enough for you to feel it anyway.
“You got that headache again?” he asks quietly. You blink.
“How the hell do you always know that?”
“Because you rub your temple every thirty seconds when it starts.” your hand drops immediately away from your face. Robby’s expression shifts just slightly.
Victory.
Tiny.
Private.
Dangerous.
Before either of you can say another word, the overhead speakers crackle violently:
“CODE TRAUMA. MULTIPLE GSWs EN ROUTE. ETA THREE MINUTES.”
The entire ER changes shape instantly. Everybody moves. Nurses sprint toward trauma bays. Stretchers reposition. Gloves snap on. The easy rhythm of conversation disappears beneath adrenaline and practiced chaos. Robby is already moving.
“So much for food,” you mutter.
“You’re still eatin’ after this,” he throws over his shoulder.
“You can’t legally force me.”
“I know where your locker is.”
You snort despite yourself and follow him into Trauma One. Three minutes later the ambulance bay doors explode open. And suddenly nobody has time to breathe anymore. The first patient crashes before the second stretcher even clears the ambulance bay.
“Twenty-three-year-old male,” the paramedic shouts while helping transfer the body over. “Multiple GSWs to the chest and abdomen, lost pulse twice in transport—”
“We got him,” Robby cuts in immediately. And just like that, he changes. Not physically. Something else. The warmth disappears first. The dry humor. The tired little almost-smiles he only really gives staff he trusts. Everything narrows into sharp-edged focus so complete it almost feels frightening to witness up close.
“Tube him,” he orders. You’re already moving before he finishes speaking.
“On it." The room erupts into controlled chaos around you. Monitors screaming. Gloves snapping. Blood everywhere. The patient looks young. Too young. Baby-faced beneath the oxygen mask, skin already going gray around the lips. Robby climbs onto the side rail slightly to get better leverage while assessing the chest wounds.
“No breath sounds left side.”
“Tension pneumo?” you ask.
“Looks like it.” He points instantly. “Needle.” You slap the decompression needle into his waiting hand before the nurse beside you can even react. Robby doesn’t look at you when he takes it. Doesn’t need to. That’s the problem. You work together too well now. A hiss of trapped air escapes the patient’s chest.
“Pressure’s tanking,” Langdon says.
“How bad?”
“Seventy systolic.”
“Blood now.” You move automatically, cutting through clothing while Robby barks orders over the noise. Another stretcher bursts through the doors behind you.
Second GSW. Teenager this time. Jesus Christ.
“Trauma Two ready?” Dana yells.
“No,” you answer immediately. “Use Three.”
“We need you in there too.” You glance toward Robby instinctively. Big mistake. Because he’s already looking at you. Just for a second. Long enough for that familiar awareness to pass silently between you both beneath the chaos.
Go.
You peel away instantly toward the second trauma bay. The teenager is conscious at least. Barely. Crying. Blood soaking through both hands where he’s trying to hold pressure against his own stomach.
“Hey, hey—look at me,” you say firmly while climbing beside the stretcher. “Stay with me.”
“I don’t wanna die,” he chokes out immediately. God. You hate when they say that.
“You’re not gonna die.”
“You promise?” You don’t answer fast enough. Because nobody smart makes promises in an ER. Behind you, through the open trauma bay doors, you can still hear Robby running his room like a battlefield commander.
“Push epi.”
“Again.”
“Clear.” The defibrillator cracks loud enough to echo. Your own patient starts crashing ten minutes later. Then everything becomes movement again. Blood transfusions. Suction. Pressure. Yelling.
At some point somebody presses a protein bar into your scrub pocket without explanation. You already know it was Robby. You don’t even have to look. Two hours pass like that. Then three. The teenager survives surgery. The first patient doesn’t. You know the exact second Robby loses him because the entire energy of Trauma One changes. The noise drops. Voices lower. A silence settles that only really exists in hospitals after death. You finish dictating notes at the nurses’ station forty minutes later with aching shoulders and blood dried stiff across your scrub sleeves. The ER has calmed slightly. Not quiet. Never quiet. But survivable. You rub at your eyes tiredly while signing discharge paperwork.
“You didn’t eat that.” Your head lifts immediately. Robby stands beside the desk holding the untouched protein bar from your pocket. Shit.
“I forgot.”
“You forgot for three hours?”
“It was busy.”
“It’s always busy.” You sigh dramatically and reach for the bar. He doesn’t hand it over yet.
“Robby.”
“You get dizzy again?”
“No.”
“You lyin’?”
“…maybe a little.” His jaw tightens. Not angry. Worried. Again. You hate how much that affects you.
“I’m fine,” you insist more quietly this time.
“Yeah,” he mutters. “That phrase means absolutely nothin’ when it comes outta your mouth anymore.” Before you can answer, Dana walks past carrying charts and immediately stops dead seeing the two of you standing too close again.
“Oh my God,” she says flatly.
You blink. “What?”
“This.” She gestures vaguely between you both. “Whatever weird emotionally repressed slow-burn nonsense this is.” Robby pinches the bridge of his nose immediately.
“Dana—”
“No, seriously. It’s painful.” She points at you. “You look at him like he personally hung the moon.” Your entire soul leaves your body.
“Excuse me?”
“And Robby looks at her like somebody put a live grenade in his chest.”
“I’m literally standing right here,” Robby mutters.
“You two have been divorced-married for like six months.”
“We are not—”
“You shared fries yesterday.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“You remembered her migraine medication before she did.” Robby opens his mouth. Stops. Closes it again. Dana looks vindicated immediately.
“Oh, my God.”
“Dana,” you warn weakly.
“No wonder the whole department thinks you’re sleeping together.” Silence. Complete silence. A nearby nurse actually turns around trying not to look interested. Robby stares at Dana like he’s reconsidering several HR policies simultaneously. You can physically feel heat crawling up your neck.
“We are not sleeping together,” you say tightly. Dana snorts.
“Honestly that’s worse. The tension in this department could power the city grid.” Then she walks away before either of you can recover. You stare at the floor. Robby stares somewhere over your shoulder. The protein bar gets silently placed into your hand at last. A wave of nausea fills you head to toe as your migrain pounds against your skull, and you wince and push away from the desk.
"Eat it." Robby pushes. You nod, turning away from him.
"Yeah, i will. Later-" You barely finish your sentence when your vision tunnels and you stumble. You sway a little in place before gravity does it's job and you go crashing for the floor.
"Shit !" Robby catches you before you have the chance to crack your skull open on the linoleum, fingers pressed to your neck to check your vitals. A stupid reflex. He looks up at Dana, who is walking away. "Dana ! A little help here !" He calls. Dana stops and spins around on high alert, and her eyes blow wide.
"Oh for pete's sake." She breathes, slinging her stethoscope off her neck as she runs forward. "What the hell happened ?" Robby shifts you in his arms, one hand supporting your limp neck.
"She's dehydrated. Only had coffee." He explains, his voice rough. Dana swears under breath and looks up.
"Perlah, get me some saline !" She shouts, "Santos, Whittaker, get me a bed !" Everything moves at once after that. The ER shifts shape around emergencies automatically, instinctively, like a living organism responding to injury. Nurses break into motion. A gurney appears from somewhere down the hall. Somebody lowers the volume on the television overhead. And through all of it, Robby doesn’t let go of you for even a second.
“She hit her head?” Dana asks quickly, already checking your pupils while Robby keeps you upright against his chest.
“No,” he answers immediately. “I caught her.” The speed of that answer makes Dana’s eyebrows climb. Interesting.
“BP?” she asks.
“Couldn’t get one yet.”
“She breathing okay?”
“Yes.”
“Pulse?”
“Fast.” His jaw tightens. “Too fast.” You lie limp against him completely unconscious, cheek pressed against the navy-blue fabric of his scrub top. One of your hands is curled loosely against his chest like your body just gave up trying to hold itself upright. And Jesus Christ— Robby looks terrified. Not visibly to most people. But everybody here knows him. They know the difference between Dr. Robby handling a crisis and Robby barely holding himself together through one. Langdon skids to a stop beside Mel and Samira, who have stopped in their tracks to stare at their friend passed out on the ground.
"Jesus, what happened ?" He asks, his tone wuipped.
Robby looks up, incredulous.
"The fuck does it look like Frank ? She's unconcsious !" He swears under his breath. "Whittaker ! Where the fuck is that bed ?"
“Coming through!” A stretcher rattles around the corner at full speed. Whittaker wheels a bed over fast while Santos helps clear space beside the nurses’ station.
“Robby,” Dana says slower this time. Like she’s talking him down off something. His eyes flick up finally. For half a second he genuinely looks like he forgot anyone else was there. Then his face shutters immediately back into professional composure.
Right.
Doctor mode.
He carefully transfers you onto the bed, one hand still bracing the back of your head even after you’re safely down against the mattress.
“She’s burning up,” he mutters. Dana presses a thermometer against your forehead.
“Low-grade fever.” She frowns. “Probably running herself into the ground.”
“Shocking,” Santos mutters under his breath. Robby shoots him a look sharp enough to cut steel. Santos immediately raises both hands. “I’m just saying.”
“Get fluids running,” Robby says flatly. Dana watches him for a second too long. Then:
“How long’s this been going on?” Robby doesn’t look away from you.
“What?”
“This martyr complex of hers.” Dana gestures vaguely toward your unconscious body. “She’s looked like hell all week.”
“She said she was fine.”
“Oh my God.” Dana actually laughs once. “And you believed that?” His expression darkens immediately because— No. He didn’t. That’s the problem. He knew. He knew you were overworking. Knew you were skipping meals. Knew the migraines were getting worse because he memorized your tells months ago without meaning to. And somehow he still let this happen. The guilt crawls visibly across his face. Dana sees it instantly.
“Hey,” she says, voice softening slightly. “This isn’t on you.” Robby exhales sharply through his nose.
“She passed out standing next to me.”
“Because she’s an idiot.” A beat. Then quieter: “And because this place eats people alive.” Nobody argues with that. Perlah arrives with saline while Princess hooks you up to monitors. Your pulse flashes too fast across the screen immediately. Robby stares at it like he personally offended the laws of medicine.
“She’s gonna wake up pissed we made a scene,” Dana says knowingly. That almost gets a smile out of him. Almost. Instead he reaches down absentmindedly and brushes a strand of hair back away from your face. The entire room goes still for exactly one second. Because that— That was not a coworker gesture. Robby realizes it immediately after doing it. His hand stills. Dana’s eyes widen slowly like she just found proof of life on another planet.
“Oh,” she says very quietly. Robby straightens instantly. Professional again. Too late. Way too late. “You are so screwed,” Dana informs him with the calm certainty of someone announcing a weather forecast.
“I’m not discussing this with you.”
“You’re in love with her.” Whittaker nearly chokes in the background. Robby’s face hardens immediately.
“Dana.”
“No, no, this is actually insane now.” She points between him and your unconscious form. “You looked two seconds away from coding yourself when she hit the floor.”
“She fainted.”
“And you caught her like a grieving Victorian widower.” Silence. Santos turns around entirely to hide his laughter. Mel and Samira pretend to be busy with a chart as Mckay walks by, her brows furrowed at the scene. Langdon whistles and turns around, walking off his his hands in his pockets. Robby rubs both hands down his face hard enough to leave red marks behind.
“This conversation is over.”
“Mhmm.” Dana crosses her arms. “You gonna tell her before or after the next time she collapses from neglecting basic human survival needs?” His eyes drift back toward you automatically. Unconscious. Pale. IV running steadily now. Something in his expression shifts again. Softer this time. More dangerous.
“Soon,” he says quietly before he can stop himself. Dana goes completely still. She sighs, and her face breaks into a grin.
"Great. Abbot owes me a hundred bucks." Robby goes still.
"What ?"
-------------
The world is bright.
God, it's so bright.
You crack your eyes open and immediately regret it, groaning as the bustling sounds of the ER flood back in.
"Ah. Rise and shine, sleepy-head." You tilt your head to the side. Langdon and Mckay are in your room, Mckay down by the computer, checking your chart while Langdon is sat by your bed, adjusting the drip flow in the IV.
Wait.
Why are you in a room ?
Your voice is rough with sleep when you speak.
“…what?” Langdon grins immediately.
“Oh, she’s alive. Shame. I was just about to steal your locker.” You blink at him slowly, brain still buffering.
“…why am i in a room?” You croak. "Why are you guys in a room.. with me ?"
“Visiting hours,” McKay says dryly without looking up from the chart. “We brought flowers.” You glance around blearily. No flowers.
“…you’re both assholes.”
“Correct,” Langdon says pleasantly. Then your brain catches up.
Room.
IV.
Monitor.
The realization hits all at once and you groan, dragging a hand over your face.
“Oh my God.”
“There it is,” McKay mutters. “The embarrassment. Nature is healing.”
“How long was I out?” Langdon checks the watch on his wrist dramatically.
“Long enough for Robby to threaten three residents, snap at a nurse, and hover outside this curtain like a divorced father at a middle school dance recital.” Your stomach drops instantly.
“…what?” McKay finally looks over at you then, expression dangerously entertained.
“Oh, yeah. It was bad.”
“He scared Santos so badly she almost started crying,” Langdon adds.
“That’s not true.”
“She absolutely thought she was getting fired.”
“I did not snap at Santos,” Robby’s voice cuts in sharply from outside the curtain. Both of them immediately grin like sharks scenting blood. And then Robby steps into the room carrying a cup of coffee in one hand and an electrolyte drink in the other. He stops the second he sees your eyes open. Every inch of tension in him visibly shifts. Not gone. Just redirected.
“Oh, there he is,” Langdon says smugly. “The grieving widow.”
“Frank,” Robby says flatly.
“You were pacing.”
“I was working.”
“You checked on her seventeen times.” McKay snorts into her coffee. Robby ignores both of them completely, eyes already on you instead.
“You with us?” You nod weakly.
“Unfortunately.”
“Any dizziness?”
“Yes.”
“Nausea?”
“A little.”
“Headache?” You just stare at him. He sighs. “Right. Stupid question.” Robby looks like he wants the earth to physically open beneath him.
“Okay,” he says tightly. “Everybody out.”
“Oh, absolutely not,” Langdon says immediately.
“Frank.”
“Nope. This is the best day of my life.” Robby points toward the door with terrifying calm.
“Get out.” McKay is already cackling as Langdon lets himself be physically shoved toward the curtain. The curtain swings shut behind them amid open laughter from the hallway. Then it’s quiet again. Well. Quiet except for the distant ER chaos and your own heartbeat trying to escape your body. You stare determinedly at the blanket over your lap. Robby stares somewhere over your left shoulder. Neither of you speak for a full five seconds. He sighs, pinching his nose.
"We put you on IV Saline. You were dehydrated." He explains, walking over to the seat Langdon had previously occupied. You gulp, nodding.
"My bad." He chokes on a laugh, shaking his head.
"Yeah, it is your bad. I can't have you collapsing like that in the middle of a shift." You groan, shaking your head.
"What, would you rather I do it before ? Or after ? I'm sorry, oh ER overlord, i'll try to control my unconscious state from now on." Robby lets out a short, incredulous breath through his nose.
“Don’t get smart with me.”
“I’m not getting smart,” you say, already pushing the blanket off your legs. “I’m getting out of here.” His head snaps toward you instantly.
“…no, you’re not.” You pause mid-movement.
“Yes,” you say slowly, like he’s missed something obvious, “I am.” Robby stands up so fast the chair behind him scrapes the floor.
“You just passed out.”
“And I woke up.”
“That’s not how this works.”
“It’s exactly how it works.” You swing your legs over the side of the bed anyway, ignoring the slight sway in your balance as you reach for your shoes on instinct. Robby’s voice drops.
“Stop.” You freeze for half a second. Not because he told you to. Because of how he said it. But then you shake it off and pull your shoe on anyway.
“I’m going back to work,” you repeat. Robby moves closer immediately.
“You’re not cleared.”
“I’m fine.”
“You are not fine.” You glance up at him sharply.
“I didn’t ask for a second opinion.”
“And I’m not giving you one,” he snaps back. “I’m telling you, as the attending who just watched you hit the floor—”
“Because I forgot to eat,” you cut in. “Not because I’m dying.”
“That doesn’t make it better!” The words echo harder than either of you probably intend. Silence hits for a beat. Your fingers still on your shoe. Robby drags a hand down his face, breathing out through his nose like he’s trying not to explode.
“You don’t get to just—” He stops himself, jaw flexing. “You don’t get to walk back out there like nothing happened.” You stand up fully now. A little too fast. The room tilts slightly.
“I’ve got patients,” you say more quietly. Robby’s voice goes lower.
“So do I.” A beat. Then: “And as of right now, you are on of them. Now, I’m telling you to sit back down.” You stare at him. He stares right back. There’s no humor in it anymore. No teasing. No banter. Just that same pressure from earlier—too much concern packed into too little space. You exhale through your nose.
“…you don’t get to order me around.” Robby laughs once, sharp and disbelieving.
“Apparently I do, considering I just watched you hit the floor and scare half the department into thinking we were gonna lose you.” That lands. Harder than it should. You look away for a second. Then back at him.
“I’m not fragile,” you say again, quieter. Robby’s expression shifts instantly.
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You’re acting like I am.”
“I’m acting like you’re someone who almost cracked their skull open because they refused to take a break.” That makes you go still. A beat passes. Then you grab your badge from the bedside table. Robby’s eyes widen slightly.
“…don’t.” You clip it onto your scrub top.
“I’m going back to work.”
“No,” he says again, sharper now. You step around him. He moves with you immediately, blocking the exit. You stop. Look up at him.
“…move.” Robby doesn’t. For the first time since you woke up, he looks genuinely frustrated in a way that isn’t controlled anymore.
“You’re making a stupid call.”
“And you’re not my keeper.” That hits something in him. You see it. The flicker. The crack.
A pause. Then softer—but no less firm:
“I’m still not letting you walk out there like that.” You stare at him for a long second. Then, very deliberately, you step sideways. Not pushing past him. Not fighting. Just… going around. Robby turns instantly.
“Hey—”
“I said I’m fine,” you cut in, already heading for the curtain.
“You’re not—”
“I am,” you repeat, not stopping. Robby follows you out into the corridor. Langdon and McKay are still visible down the hall, both of them immediately clocking what’s happening and exchanging a look.
“You don’t get to just leave.” You finally stop in the middle of the hallway. Turn back to him. People move around you. A stretcher rolls past. A monitor alarm bleats somewhere in the distance. Life keeps going. Even when you’re both frozen in it.
“I have a shift,” you say calmly. “You have patients. We are both adults.” Robby looks at you like he wants to argue and can’t find the right angle anymore.
“You’re still dizzy.”
“I’ll sit if I need to.”
“You shouldn’t be standing.”
“And yet I am.” A beat. Langdon quietly mouths, this is insane, to McKay. Then you turn and keep walking. You wrap your arms around yourself, walking over to the nurse's station and picking up the chart you had left there. Your teenage patient. You sniffle and walk over to his room, pushing the curtain aside. Robby follows.
Of course he does.
You feel him before you even hear him—heavy footsteps that don’t belong to the usual ER rhythm, too deliberate, too controlled, like he’s forcing himself not to close the distance in three strides and drag you back by force.He stops just outside the curtain.You don’t look at him. You can’t afford to. There’s a chart in your hands and a patient who actually needs you upright, even if your skull still feels like it’s full of cotton and static.
“Vitals stable,” you murmur, more to yourself than anyone else.
“You don’t get to just—”
“Robby,” you cut in, sharper than you intend. A warning. Or maybe a plea. “Not here.” Silence. Then, quieter, dangerously controlled:
“You think I care where it is?” That finally makes you look at him. He’s standing half in the curtain light, half in the hallway chaos, scrubs wrinkled, hair slightly messed from running his hand through it too many times. He looks like he hasn’t stopped moving since you collapsed. His jaw is tight. Not angry anymore. Past angry.
“You passed out,” he says. “In my department. In my ER. In front of my staff. And you woke up and decided the appropriate response was to go back to work like nothing happened.”
“I am back to work.”
“No.” One step closer. “You are standing on adrenaline and spite and a saline bag that’s barely had time to do anything.” You let out a short breath, half laugh, half exhaustion.
“You always this dramatic with every patient, or am I special?” That lands. You see it hit him—right under the ribs. His expression shifts, like something in him finally snaps into place instead of being held together.
“No,” he says. Then he reaches for your wrist. Not hard. Not rough. But decisive.
“Hey—Robby—” He doesn’t answer. Just turns and walks you backward—not dragging, not forcing, but absolutely not giving you the option to argue your way out of it. You stumble once, annoyed, and he adjusts instantly without even looking, like he already knows exactly where your balance breaks.
“Seriously?” you hiss. “You’re doing this now?”
“Yes,” he says flatly.
“You can’t just abduct your attending in the middle of a shift.”
“I can when she’s about to drop again in front of Trauma One.”
“That is not—” He opens a door you didn’t even see him key into. On-call room. Small. Dim. Too quiet compared to the screaming outside. He guides you inside and shuts the door behind you. The click of the lock is loud. Final. He draws the curtains shut. For a second, neither of you moves. The room feels wrong in a different way—no monitors, no alarms, just the hum of the hospital through the walls and the two of you trapped in a space that suddenly feels way too intimate to be professional. You turn on him immediately.
“Are you serious right now?”
“Yes.” You stare at him. He stares back. Then he exhales sharply, like he’s been holding his breath for hours and finally gave up.
“Sit down.”
“No.”
“Sit,” he repeats, voice lower now. Not loud. Not angry. Final. Something in it makes your irritation falter for half a second.
“I don’t need—”
“You almost face-planted into a hallway cart,” he cuts in. “So forgive me if I don’t trust your assessment right now.” That stings. You hate that it stings.
“I told you I’m fine.”
“And I told you to stop saying that like it’s a magic spell that makes it true.” Silence snaps between you. You cross your arms. He runs a hand over his face, dragging it down like he’s physically trying to keep himself from losing control again. Then, softer—dangerously honest: “Do you have any idea what it looked like?” Your voice drops a fraction.
“No worse than what we see every day.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is?” He looks at you. And whatever restraint he’s been clinging to finally slips just enough for you to see what’s underneath it.
“I thought I was going to lose you in my own department,” he says, quiet and raw. “While I was standing ten feet away.” That shuts you up. Not because you don’t have a response. Because suddenly you don’t trust your voice. Robby steps closer again, slower this time, like he’s approaching something that could still break.
“You don’t get to decide that it’s nothing,” he says. “You don’t get to walk it off because it’s convenient.” Your throat tightens.
“I wasn’t trying to make it convenient.”
“Then what were you doing?” he asks immediately. A beat. Your answer comes out smaller than you want it to.
“Working.” He lets out a humorless breath.
“Yeah,” he says. “That’s what scares me.” You frown slightly.
“What?” He looks at you like he regrets the words the second they leave him—but not enough to take them back.
“That you’ll always pick the job over your own body,” he says. “Even when it’s failing you.” Something shifts in your chest. You don’t like how seen that feels. Then he steps right in front of you. Close enough that the air changes. A pause. The hospital noise outside feels miles away. You swallow.
“This is inappropriate,” you mutter automatically, because your brain is scrambling for something safe to hold onto. His mouth twitches, not quite a smile.
“Yeah,” he says. “We passed that a while ago.” You scoff, backing away from him.
"God, Robby - Why do you care ? I'm an adult, i can handle myself-" He moves with you instantly. Not chasing. Not grabbing. Just… matching you step for step until your back meets the wall and there’s nowhere left for you to retreat without admitting you’re retreating.
“You call that handling yourself?” he asks quietly. Your jaw tightens.
“I didn’t ask for a performance review.”
“I’m not performing,” he says. “I’m telling you you scared the hell out of me.” That lands harder than anything else so far. Because it’s not clinical. It’s not Dr. Robby. It’s just him. You force a short laugh, brittle at the edges.
“You, scared?” you repeat. “You? You run trauma codes like it’s any other Tuesday and you’re telling me I scared you?” His eyes don’t move from yours.
“Yes.”Simple. Unapologetic. That shuts you up for half a second too long. Then anger finds its way back in—because it’s easier than whatever is sitting underneath it.
“You don’t get to do this,” you say, voice sharper now. “You don’t get to pull me into a room, lock the door, and act like—like—”
“Like what?” he cuts in. You gesture vaguely between you.
“Like this matters more than everything else.” Robby goes still. That’s the wrong thing to say. You see it immediately.Something in his expression tightens, like he’s been holding something behind his teeth for too long and you just forced it open.
“It does,” he says. Quiet. Flat. Absolute. Your breath catches slightly.
“No, it doesn’t,” you say automatically, because that’s safer.
“It does to me.” Silence. You stare at him, trying to find the angle where this becomes a misunderstanding you can fix with sarcasm or distance or anything familiar. But there isn’t one. Robby exhales through his nose, frustrated now—not at you, but at himself.
“You really think I’d be doing this,” he gestures between you again, sharper this time, “if it didn’t matter?”
“You’re my attending,” you say quickly. He laughs once, humorless.
“That’s what you’re going with?”
“It’s a boundary.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”Your pulse spikes.
“Excuse me?” Robby steps closer again, and this time you don’t move fast enough to stop it.
“You think I don’t know what I’m doing?” he asks. “You think I don’t know exactly how this looks? How long this has been going on?” Your throat goes tight.
“Robby—”
“I’ve been watching you almost pass out for weeks,” he snaps suddenly, voice rising. “I’ve been watching you run yourself into the ground, and I keep telling myself it’s just work, it’s just stress, it’s just—”He stops. Jaw clenches. Then quieter, but sharper somehow: “And then you collapse in front of me and I realize I don’t care if it’s ‘appropriate’ anymore.”
Your breath stutters.
“Stop,” you whisper.
He shakes his head once.
“No.” A beat. Then it comes out—rough, unplanned, like it slips through a crack he didn’t know was there. “I can’t do this pretending I don’t—” he cuts off, swallows hard, eyes flicking down for half a second like he’s annoyed at himself for losing control. “I can’t stand there and watch you walk yourself into the ground and pretend it’s nothing to me.” Your voice barely works.
“Robby…” He looks back at you. And whatever restraint he had left finally breaks cleanly.
“I’m in love with you,” he says. No softness. No buildup. Just truth, thrown into the air like it’s been suffocating him. The room goes completely still. Even the hospital noise feels distant now, like it’s happening to someone else’s life. You don’t speak. Not because you don’t have words. Because you have too many and none of them fit right. Robby watches your face change like he’s bracing for impact. And then, almost immediately, regret floods in.
“Shit,” he says quietly. One step back. “No—forget I said that.” Your stomach drops. His jaw tightens like he’s trying to physically shove the words back into his chest.
“Robby,” you say, finally. He stops. Doesn’t look at you immediately. That alone says everything.
“I didn’t mean to make it weird,” he says, almost bitter now, like he’s punishing himself. “I just—”
'Robby."
Venice
Your voice is quiet, but it cuts through his frantic backpedaling like a scalpel. He finally stops, his shoulders slumping slightly in defeat. He still won’t meet your eyes, staring at a point on the scuffed linoleum floor like it holds the secrets to avoiding this exact moment. The silence stretches, thick and suffocating, filled with everything he just said and everything you haven’t.
“Robby,” you say again, softer this time. You take a half-step forward, closing the tiny gap he’d created. “Look at me.” He hesitates, a war playing out across his face. The urge to flee warring with the command in your voice. Finally, slowly, he lifts his gaze. The raw vulnerability in his eyes is a punch to the gut. It’s the same look he had when you were on the floor, but magnified, stripped of all clinical pretense. It’s just him. Scared. Exposed.
“I…” he starts, then stops, his throat working. “I know I shouldn’t have said that. It’s out of line. It’s—” You don’t let him finish. You surge forward, grabbing the front of his scrub top in both fists and yanking him down to you. The movement is clumsy, desperate. Your mouth crashes against his. It’s not a kiss of gentle revelation. It’s a kiss of frustration, of relief, of months of unspoken tension finally detonating. It’s all teeth and desperate pressure, a clash that’s been brewing for longer than either of you would admit. He makes a sound against your lips, a harsh, surprised groan, and for a second he’s frozen. Then his hands are on you, not gentle, not asking. One hand clamps onto the back of your neck, fingers tangling in your hair, holding you in place with a grip that’s just this side of painful. The other arm bands around your waist, lifting you slightly, pulling you flush against him until there’s no air, no space, just the frantic hammering of his heart against yours through the thin fabric of your scrubs. You kiss him back with everything you have, pouring all the fear from the hallway, all the annoyance at his overbearing concern, all the traitorous warmth that’s been pooling in your stomach every time he looks at you for months. You bite his lower lip, hard, and he groans again, deepening the kiss, his tongue claiming yours in a way that’s possessive and demanding and utterly, completely Robby. He walks you backward, and your back hits the wall with a soft thud that doesn’t break the kiss. He pins you there, his body a solid, warm weight, one of his thighs wedging itself between yours. The pressure is intoxicating, a dizzying contrast to the lightheadedness from before. This is a different kind of spinning out of control. One you don’t want to stop. His hand slides from your neck down your side, tracing the curve of your ribs before coming to rest on your hip, his thumb digging in, holding you captive. You can feel the frantic, unsteady rhythm of his breathing, a mirror to your own. He finally breaks the kiss, pulling back just enough to rest his forehead against yours. Both of you are breathing hard, chests heaving. The room is silent except for the sound of your ragged breaths and the distant, muffled hum of the hospital that feels worlds away.
“Christ,” he rasps, his voice thick and wrecked. His eyes are still closed, his face buried in the crook of your neck. He presses a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the sensitive skin just below your ear, and a shiver runs through you. “You can’t… you can’t just do that.”
“You’re the one who said you were in love with me,” you manage to get out, your voice shaky. “And then tried to take it back.”
“I wasn’t taking it back,” he says, lifting his head. His eyes are dark, pupils blown wide with a mix of adrenaline and something else, something hungry. “I was trying not to fuck everything up.”
“Too late for that,” you breathe, and then you’re kissing him again. It’s just as rough as before, maybe rougher. His hands are everywhere, roaming over your back, your sides, gripping your ass and pulling you harder against him. The wall is hard and unyielding at your back, and he’s solid and unyielding at your front, and you’re trapped in the best possible way. He rolls his hips against yours, a slow, deliberate grind that sends a bolt of heat straight through you, and you gasp into his mouth. He takes the opportunity to kiss a trail down your jaw, his scruff scraping deliciously against your skin. He nips at your collarbone, his hand sliding up under your scrub top, his palm hot and firm against the bare skin of your stomach.
“Robby,” you pant, your head falling back against the wall as his mouth finds that spot on your neck that makes your knees weak. “We’re… we’re in the on-call room.”
“Mhmm,” he murmurs against your skin, not stopping. “Locked the door.” His thumb brushes against the underside of your breast, and you arch into him, a soft moan escaping your lips. He chuckles, a low, smug sound that vibrates through you. “Someone could knock.”
“Don’t care,” you gasp, as his other hand tugs your scrub top out of your pants, his fingers finding the waistband of your pants. “God, don’t stop.” He pulls back just enough to look at you, his eyes searching yours. There’s a question there, a final check-in, but it’s buried under layers of raw want. You answer it by grabbing his hand and guiding it further down. He groans, a sound of pure, unadulterated relief, and then his mouth is on yours again. He tastes like burnt coffee and the faint metallic tang of hospital air, but there’s something else, something bitter and sweet and rawly, desperately Robby that makes you want to climb inside his chest and break his ribs open from the inside. His hand is already down the front of your scrubs, palm hot against your hipbone, fingers trembling just enough to betray everything he won’t say aloud. You fumble at the drawstring on your own waistband, frustration clawing up your throat in a low, angry whine when the knot won’t loosen fast enough. You stare up at him—mess of dark hair, sweat on his brow, pupils wide enough to swallow the brown—and wonder absently if this is what it feels like to code. For a minute nobody says anything. You just breathe, harsh and hungry and desperate, noisy enough that if anybody is in the hallway they’d know exactly what was happening in here. It’s Robby that breaks first. He makes a strangled sound, forehead dropping to yours, so hard your noses smashed together. His voice comes out low and shredded and nearly begging.
“You gotta let me know if you want me to stop.”
You don’t.
Fuck, you don’t.
You want him to break you down to single-celled organisms. you turn your head and bite the meat of his bicep, just to feel him jerk.
“Shut up and do it, then,” You mutter. Your hands drop around his shoulders, pulling him down, and the next kiss is more teeth than lips. You don’t even notice his other hand has made it to your waistband until you feel the cool slide of his hand against your skin. You’re so far gone, you don’t even feel the fear or shame anyone normal would. Can’t bring yourself to care that you’re half-pinned to a drywall partition and the edge of a cot, moaning into your supervisor’s mouth like you’re both undergrad idiots caught in a blackout at frat formal. His hand is relentless, moving fast and clever, not even bothering to be delicate. You nearly lose your balance when he presses a thumb down just right over your scrubs, and your center of gravity hops about a foot left.
“Fuck—Robby, fuck—” You hiss it against his jawline, legs starting to shake. He gets a hand under your thigh, hefts it up, then hooks your knee on his belt so all you can do is hang there and let him wreck you. Somewhere in the back of your awareness you’re listing all the ways this is the worst idea you’ve ever had, but your body refuses to stop. He’s cursing too, breathing your name into your neck, voice so rough you can feel it vibrating in his chest. You want to put a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet but you know if anyone comes in, you’re both dead anyway. He fumbles at the drawstring with clumsy, single-handed urgency, finally manages to get it untied. The relief when his fingers actually slide past the waistband is so intense your vision goes white at the edges. He doesn’t even tease—just buries his hand against you and makes a noise so dark and satisfied it spikes something hot and relentless at the base of your spine.
“Jesus Christ,” he mutters. “You’re fucking soaked.” He says it like he means it as both a compliment and a diagnosis. Then he pushes his palm harder against you, finding every sensitive spot and working you with unerring, almost clinical precision, like he’s taking inventory of every way you can be taken apart. Your head thunks back against the wall with a little hollow sound. You want to tell him to stop, or slow down, or just breathe for maybe two seconds, but you don’t. You can’t. Instead you let yourself fall open and let him see it. The fact that you’re wrapped this tightly around him is not new information, but this—exposed, desperate—is a new evolutionary stage. He leans in, mouth back on yours, and you taste sweat, salt, and faint chemical hospital on his skin. The wall is cold at your back and his hand is molten at your front and your whole body is nothing but contrast and overload and hunger. You barely register your own hands, but they’re on him, pulling up the hem of his shirt, searching for bare skin, something to ground yourself. You feel the heat of him even through layers, alive and pulsing and real. He holds you still, fingers working in brutal, short pulses, driving you mercilessly toward the edge. It’s not careful. It’s not gentle. It’s like he’s making a point. Like he’s proving to you, to himself, to God, that you’re not going to scare him off, not ever. You come like a detonation. It rips through you so hard your vision whites out again and you clench around his hand. He groans, slowly slipping his fingers out of you before taking a step back away from your and pulling down your scrub pants. You gulp as you watch him undo the drawstring on his own pants, your mouth watering with need. The cold air against your exposed cunt is making you clench involuntarily, and the only thing you want right now is to have him inside of you. He pulls his pants down, only enough to free himself, and the air feels like it’s knocked out of your chest. His cock slaps up against his stomach, flushed dark, thick and heavy with blood, and the sight alone is enough to make you squeeze your thighs together in anticipation, shivering even though the room is sweltering. He spits in his palm, slicks himself, then walks over to you. His hands hook beneath your thighs and you jump up, wrapping your legs around his waist as he presses you against the wall. He pushes your hair back from your face, kisses your nose. He doesn’t waste a second. The first thrust is brutal, messy, all pent-up frustration and months of not acting on impulse. He’s thick—bigger than you’d let yourself admit in all those late-night, shamefaced fantasies—and the stretch steals the air from your lungs. Your jaw drops open, eyes rolling back as you lock on to the faces he’s making: mouth slack, eyebrows knit, a bead of sweat at his temple that you want to lick off more than you want to live. He’s got both hands under your ass, fingers digging hard enough to bruise, holding you up so all you can do is take it. And you do, with everything you have, bearing down on him so you can feel every inch, every twitch. He huffs a shaky, humorless laugh, the kind you only make when you’re so overwhelmed you can’t do anything else.
“You okay ?” He rasps, kissing his way up your neck. The sound that comes out of you isn’t even a word. He pounds into you with another deep, brutal stroke and your body locks up so tight you’re glad he’s the one holding you or you’d have fallen flat. Every thrust slams your spine into the drywall and it should hurt, it should, but all you can do is claw at his shirt, nails catching the rough cotton, dragging it up over his ribs so you can feel him—real, alive, so much hotter than any fever you’ve ever run in the hospital. The slap of skin, the hiss of your breathing, the mangled noises you’re making—all of it so loud, vulgar, so perfectly, awfully public even behind the locked door. He’s whispering shit into your neck. At first you think it’s curse words, but then you catch your own name buried in there, and then more, like instructions, like hymns.
“You’re fucking perfect,” he says, the words punching out of him like he’s angry about it. “God, you’re unreal.” His hips snap again, harder, and your shoulders knock back against the wall, sharp bite of drywall dust filling your nose. Each time he thrusts in, your vision smears around the edges, the pleasure so hot it borders on pain. It isn’t like you pictured, not really—it’s better. The angle, the rush, the way he bullies all the air out of your lungs with every movement. Your hands are in his hair, clawing tight, pulling him down so you can mouth at his neck, take the taste of him into yourself. He shoves your scrubs up higher, rough hands leaving trails of heat on cold skin, then fists one hand in the fabric at your shoulder, pinning you harder to the cinderblock. There is nothing gentle, nothing careful, nothing but his body taking yours apart, and yours letting him, wild for it. He keeps muttering, a string of filthy reverence against your ear:
“Can’t believe it’s you, can’t believe you let me—fuck, you’re so—Jesus, clench again, just like that—” The words run together, get lost under the wet slap of skin and the broken sounds you’re making. You can’t answer except to dig your heels into his lower back, desperate to keep him as close as possible, to force him deeper, to make certain it’s real. This has to be real. For months you both acted like this wasn’t going to happen, like you didn’t live your whole life in inches, waiting for the day the rules would break and you’d get to see what would actually happen if you let go. Now you’re against the wall, and he’s inside of you raw and fast and a little bit mean, and every expectation is dissolving in a haze of salt and friction and heat. You want to tell him he can do anything to you, that there is nothing off-limits, but all that comes out is a shattered little whine, just his name, again and again. He bites your collarbone, sucks a mark there, and the pain is almost enough to bring you back down, but you’re already spiraling. Robby’s voice is a chant in your ear, weirdly reverent, filthy and devotional all at once. He’s running hot, sweat trickling down his neck, the muscles in his forearms taut as bowed steel where he brackets your hips. Each thrust slams you against the wall hard enough to rattle the fluorescent hum down to your teeth. You know you’ll have drywall dust embedded under your nails, maybe even in your hair, but you can’t bring yourself to care. Your world is reduced to the vicious, deliberate drag of his cock inside you, the scratch of his stubble jaw against your cheek, the gasp-and-hitch cadence of your own lungs. His hand slips, finds your jaw, thumb prying your mouth open.
“Look at me,” he grates. It’s not a request. You do, eyelids dragging heavy, drool stringing from your lips. He shoves his thumb inside and you clamp down on it, tongue greedy, and watch his resolve ripple and snap at the edges. “Fuck, you love this,” he hisses. A hot, shameful thrill blooms in your gut. You can’t even nod; your brain’s gone chemical, all instinct and nerve and the urge to let him ruin you properly. He pulls his thumb free from your teeth, then brings his hand back to grip your jaw, rough, almost cruel.
“You gonna come for me like this?” His pelvis snaps up, grinding you against concrete. “You gonna soak me, right here, where anybody could walk in?” He means it as a threat, but the promise makes something deep in you uncurl and spiral tight. You dig your nails into his back and feel the give of his skin, the helpless rocking of your own hips. You’re close again—embarrassingly, stupidly fast—and he can tell, because he starts fucking you even meaner, chasing the edge with all the subtlety of a gunshot.
“Jesus,” he says, “you feel so good, I can’t—fuck. I can’t stop.” Like he’s ever going to. You snarl something incoherent, probably his name, and you feel the tension crest, shatter, and pour out in waves so intense you lose track of your own body. Robby keeps moving, not letting up for a second. Everything’s too much: the raw thud of your shoulderblades grinding cinderblock, the way your ankles have locked behind his back, the friction and heat and static spit-glue between your skin. You try to tell him you’re gonna lose it but only manage a wild, choked keening that doesn’t sound like it could belong to you. He drops his head to your shoulder, teeth scraping, and groans your name so low and honest it makes your toes curl. There is nothing in the world but this. Nothing but him pinning you, holding you, fucking you like he’s lost count of where the rest of the world even is. Your hands are in his hair, wrenching, and you yank his head up so you can bite at his bottom lip. He lets you, gives a little gasp, then locks eyes with you and pours all that manic, frantic reverence right into the next kiss, mouthing at your skin and then burying his face in your neck like he’s drowning. The pace gets relentless—body-shocking, staccato, sharp even through the haze of it. He fucks through your aftershocks as if it’s a challenge, like the goal is to keep your body from ever regaining equilibrium. When you come again it’s so loud you’re sure the ward must hear; he clamps his hand over your mouth, eyes blown so scared and wild, but the pulse of his cock inside you says he’s not really trying to stop you so much as channel every iota of your body back into his. His own rhythm gets jerky, sloppier, and his mouth drops open against your jaw as he pins you tight and starts to lose it.
“Fuck, oh fuck, gonna—” His body locks, hips jammed flush against you, and you feel him pulse hard, the warmth spilling inside you like he’s pumping more heat into an already-overloaded core. He’s breathless, shaking, still pressed in deep as if he can’t trust gravity to hold you together otherwise. You stay like that, tangled, your cunt still rippling around him, both gulping at the hot, sick air, until your numb legs make you both slide down the wall in a graceless heap.
You’re both wrecked. Sweaty and glassy-eyed, scrub shirts sweat-stuck to your ribs, bodies still twitching in the late echoes of what the fuck just happened. There’s a sheet of drywall dust on your back and your own fingernail crescented into his skin; he’s smiling, shit-eating, delirious, and you’d punch him if you weren’t still shaking like a defibrillator just went off under your sternum.
He leans in, a gentle press of lips to your forehead, and you want to tell yourself it’s just an autonomic reaction, that the only thing happening here is a literal pressure release after months of idiotic, unyielding need. But you know better. The way he holds your face, the way he says your name soft into your hair, the way he’s still—still—inside you, hips slotted to hips, like he can’t bear to break the circuit.
You roll your head to stare at him. He meets your gaze, a thundercrack of worry, awe, and something else you don’t have the energy to name. You want to say something pointed and clever, but you can’t ; all you manage is a noise, somewhere between a laugh and a whimper.
It should be awkward.
It should be so fucking awkward.
He kisses your face as he slips out of you and shoves himself back inside his pants before dropping you slowly to the floor, hands braced at your waist as your legs wobble. He slips your own pants and underwear back up your thighs, looking up at you.
“You okay ?” He asks, his voice soft.
“Yeah,” you say, and it’s weird, how true it is. You blink, vision still dazzled and dopplered, and catch Robby’s hand trembling where it rests on your hip. The shake is microscopic, like a skipped frame in film, but it’s there, and it’s only then you realize you’re vibrating too. You try to laugh, and the sound cracks, warbles, but he mirrors it, leaning in until your foreheads tap, bone on bone. He smells like fresh sweat and latex and the antiseptic tang of someone who’s spent an entire adulthood hunched over sterile trays. He rubs his thumb slow circles at your waist, and the gentleness is so unexpected, so at odds with the way he just had you, that you almost start crying on the spot. You swallow it back and close your hand over his, try to will him not to let go just yet. You listen together to the radiators pop and the wild rattle of your pulse. He keeps his head dipped, mouth resting on the curve where your neck meets your shoulder. Neither of you moves. He’s still breathing you in, slow, like he’s afraid if he does it too fast, it’ll all be over.
“Didn’t hurt you, did I?” he whispers, so low you almost miss it beneath the thonk of your heart in your ears. You want to make a joke, something flippant, but you’re too raw. It all comes out honest, whether you like it or not.
“No. You could’ve hurt me more.” The silence after feels like a dropped glass; sharp, fragile, ready to split the air. Robby closes his eyes. You see every microflinch, the way his throat sticks around the swallow, how he steadies himself before answering.
“‘Kay. Just—” He hesitates, and you sense it’s the kind of pause he’d usually grease over with a quip. Not now. Now he’s counting on you to stay, just a little, and not run. “I’ll be gentle next time. Or not. Whatever you want.” He tries to smile, but it turns lopsided, uncertain. You grab him by the collar, tug him in for a kiss that’s less a collision and more a hinge opening, slow, like letting light into a dark corridor. You can taste the apology before he says it. You hate that you love it. Robby pulls away, eyes shiny in the half-light. He nudges your nose with his, then plants a kiss at the corner of your mouth, softer than anything he’s ever done. It feels as reverent as a benediction.
“You should lie down,” he says. “Your legs are—” he gestures with a shrug, then glances down and grins sheepish. “Sorta toast.”
“My legs are awesome, thank you,” you say, but you lean your full weight into him anyway, allowing yourself to be steered to the bed. He maneuvers you down with surprising care, one arm looped around your back, the other smoothing your hair off your sweaty forehead. He smiles down at you, sighing.
“I’ll go get you some saline. You are on bedrest for the next two hours.” You frown, gasping.
“Oh you devious fuckwad.” You mutter. "This was your plan all along.' You grumble.
"No." He says, and then winces. "Okay. Maybe. I was initially planning to just lock you in here.. I didn't play on telling you I love you and coming inside you. That... was a slight hitch in my plan." You roll your eyes.
"You're an asshole."
"An asshole who doesn't want you to run yourself into the ground." He mutters, brushing your hair away from your face. You sigh annoyedly.
"Fine. You win. Two hours." Robby grins, triumphant.
"Ah. Look who finally is listening to reason." He presses a kiss to your forehead. "I'll go get the Saline from Perlah. Don't move." You roll your eyes, swatting at him.
"Ha-Ha."
“And water. And probably something vaguely edible that passes for food in this place.” You reach out and catch his wrist before he can leave. He stops instantly.
“Robby.”
“Yeah?” You look at him for a second—really look. Tired. Stressed. Still half in doctor mode even after everything. And completely, unapologetically here.
“I love you too,” you say quietly. Something in his expression breaks open again. It’s not dramatic.It’s worse than that. It’s steady.
"I know.” You let go of his wrist. He holds your gaze one more second, then forces himself to move—because he still knows how to function even when his entire emotional life is on fire. The hallway is chaos again the second Robby steps out. He’s halfway to the supply station when he sees him. Abbot. Clocking in. Standing dead still. Staring straight at the on-call room door like he’s just witnessed a miracle or a crime or both. Robby doesn’t even slow down. He walks past him, grabs the saline bags, and says flatly, without looking up:
“You owe Dana a hundred bucks.” Abbot blinks.
A beat. Abbot stares at the door again. Then lets out a long, defeated breath.
Javi doesn’t talk about Colombia anymore. Not really.
People assume time fixes things. That if you leave a place far enough behind, it stops following you.
It doesn’t. It just gets quieter.
He still wakes up too early sometimes. Still sits with his coffee longer than necessary, staring out at nothing, like he’s waiting for his head to catch up with the present. But it’s different now. Because now, when he looks up, you’re there.
You’re the one dragging him outside when he gets stuck in his own thoughts too long. The one who pulls him into the ocean even when he pretends he doesn’t feel like it. The one who doesn’t ask too many questions, but still understands more than he ever says out loud.
Right now, you’re waist-deep in the ocean, laughing at him while he stands at the edge like he’s considering turning back. “You gonna stand there all day?” you call out.
He shakes his head, a small smile breaking through. “You’re insane, you know that?”
“Get in the water, Peña.” There it is. That tone.
He exhales, runs a hand through his hair, then finally steps in.
Cold water, small waves, your hands immediately grabbing his like you expected him all along.
He pulls you closer without thinking. Like it’s instinct now.
The ocean stretches out behind you, endless and calm, and for once, his mind is quiet enough to match it. Not perfect. Not gone. But better.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Thank you so much for reading ♡ Likes, comments and reblogs always make me happy and help the story find more people ♡
content: MDNI. 5 times jack pays for you +1 time you pay for him. jack’s love language is gift giving (he’s a giver) and assertive with it too lmao. mishmash of both seasons to fit the fic so s1 & s2 spoilers! pittfest briefly mentioned. alcohol, mentions of car sex (f. receiving). rooftop scene — allusions to suicide but nothing is directly mentioned. inaccuracies everywhere.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
1.
The first time Jack Abbot had dug in his pocket for you was not some act of kindness on a great scale of magnitude. Often during the night rotation at the PTMC—after being knuckle deep in a patient’s chest cavity—there was an unmistakable grumble in, not only your stomach, but Dr. John Shen’s too. With only mere seconds to bite into a protein bar before you’re called to another case, if at any point there was an eery lull in the Emergency Department; Grubhub was on speed dial.
Against protocol, because nobody was opposed to convenience, you and Shen would add a note to your order: DROP-OFF @ AMBULANCE BAY PLS. And, then proceed to Rock, Paper, Scissors your way into deciding who would run the risk of being caught red-handed, during a speedy collection by Dr. Abbot, who would undoubtedly have a few words if he caught wind of your misuse of the Ambulance Bay.
“Yo.” Shen caught your attention as you came out of Central 11. An empty cup of Dunkin in one hand, his phone in the other, he matched your lazy speed. “ETA on the food is 3 minutes.”
You held your open palm under the sanitiser dispenser, “Alright. Ready?”
Shen chuckled and tucked his phone under his armpit, “As ready as I’ll ever be.” He held out a closed fist the same time you did, “On three?”
You nodded and counted to three, throwing out a classic rock, confident it would land you another win compared to Shen’s four recent losses.
“Shit.” You hissed at the sight of Shen’s paper that he promptly wrapped around your fist to emphasise his winning round.
Shen shrugged, “Ooh. That was satisfying.” He backed away to check the board, “Godspeed, dude.”
Hands placed under the sanitizer dispenser out of habit, you scowled at Shen as he walked to the oval desk with a pep in his step, rubbing your hands together with vigour as you headed in the opposite direction to the Ambulance Bay.
Luck was on your side that evening, for one, there was no sight of an ambulance sliding into the bay and two, your Grubhub driver was already situated on the sidewalk with a motorcycle helmet still worn and a beige paper bag stapled with the receipt, in his hand.
You gave him a friendly wave, head turned to check the doors as you stepped into his space to retrieve the bag of hot food. You exchanged basic pleasantries, and then the delivery man hesitated to step away, his eyes visible through the visor as he stared, waiting for something additional in return.
A tip?
“Oh! Yeah, sorry—” You reached into your pocket and pulled out a button and a sturdy hair tie from Ellis, “Um…”
“Here you go, man.” A third voice.
The gravelled tone that both you and Shen tried to discreetly avoid amongst the several rendezvous‘ with your Grubhub driver. The one that belonged to the attending physician, that in line with technically being your boss, was also the one man at the centre of your little workplace crush.
You had met Dr. Abbot amidst the mass-casualty during PittFest. Assigned to the Red Zone, you worked amongst the seasoned professionals with a hindrance of confidence in the capability of your own hands. Not the time, nor the place to reach a movie-like flow of a meet-cute whilst performing CPR on an asystole patient with blood up to your elbows.
But you saw him. And, Jack Abbot definitely saw you.
That being said, under alternative circumstances, you’d have welcomed Dr. Jack Abbot’s presence in the Ambulance Bay.
Your body stiffened, the guilt riddled all over your face. No question as to who the Grubhub bag was for.
The driver gave a two-finger salute to the generous $20 tip and backed away to his motorcycle parked to the side. Jack would be sure to mention an abiding PennDot Motorcycle Safety Course user, to Robby at some point during hand-offs.
He slowly looked to you with mirth.
“I told him to take the pedestrian entrance?” Not convincing even yourself with the higher octave in which you spoke, pocketing the receipt in your scrubs to avoid Jack checking the order note at the bottom.
“Uh-huh.” Jack dipped his hand in the bag and pulled out three fries, “Jack Tax.”
With a hand held out to gesture you back inside, you gave a strained smile and obeyed his silent order to get back to work.
Shen was on the other side as you entered. “Better luck next time, Rock.”
2.
“What the hell are those?”
You looked down at your new scrubs. OK, you had pushed the boat out and bought a different shade of black, more complimentary to your seasonal colours with the undershirt to match. Maybe you hesitated in your car, singing lyrics as words of affirmation to beat the hesitancy that robbed yourself the joy of a new purchase.
(Being perceived was a sore spot for you.)
And then, the universe placed you in the PTMC with a specific co-worker that made it his full-time job to perceive his surroundings and outwardly share his candid thoughts without much effort for filtration. Aside from that being engrained in the speciality of being a physician, you still entered the PTMC with gritted teeth and a nervous disposition that Dr. Jack Abbot would pin the attention onto you.
Despite this, you looked up from your body and toward Jack, “My scrubs?” You reiterated verbally.
“No.” Jack reached for the earphones dangling around your neck like a stethoscope and tugged once, “These beat up things. They still sell them with the wires attached?”
Thank goodness it wasn’t the scrubs. You didn’t fancy using your credits already.
You jumped to their defence, “I like them having wires. Means I can keep track of both earphones.” You then added in deflation, “It’s not exactly in my budget.”
“If they’re on a leash?” Jack looked to Dr. Ellis with an expression that read: Are you hearing this shit? She shrugged. “You have got to get a new pair from this century, sweetheart.”
This century? You bit the insult harboured for the salt and pepper haired veteran turned senior attending. Sometimes things were best left un-personalised to save any feelings hurt.
In replacement, you deadpanned where Abbot smirked, slowly pulling the headphones from your neck to bunch them up and pinch them with a butterfly clip.
Dr. Ellis chuckled beside you, body leant against the desk, “Tell a girl how you really feel, Dr. Abbot.”
“I mean it.” Jack gestured to the knotted wires in your grasp, “Is the sound even high definition?”
“Out of one ear.” You mumbled quietly.
“Out of one ear.” Jack repeated with a curt nod and a playful laugh that translated to the idea that he proved his point in one conversation. “Alright, go drop those historical artefacts in your locker, I’ve got a patient in 10 for you.”
It took two days after that altercation for you to arrive at your locker at work, your trusted wire headphones miraculously MIA, meaning you had to persevere with the ambient noises of Pittsburgh on your walk to work. (All eyes pointing to Abbot and his security accomplice, Ahmad.)
Code punched in, you barely had time to blink the sleep from your eyes—your Circadian rhythm still adjusting with the new shift rotation—when you spotted a small white case haphazardly wrapped in…twine?
It look as if it were meant to be a bow. That alone was distracting, and very telling.
“What the—?” You plucked the case from the middle of your locker, the realisation making your ears ring before you slammed your locker shut and sauntered into the belly of the Pitt to find your culprit.
Jack was at the work station, refusing to sit as he bent at an awkward angle to read the words on the computer, when you found him with a little more aggravation than he had anticipated.
“Fucking AirPods?” You struck the atmosphere with a loud call. Lena—the charge nurse—peered over her glasses at your sudden outburst. Out of respect, you were quick to change the level of your tone, “Jack, these are like $250.”
His eyes darted up to you, nothing short of a serious expression on his face. “OK?”
You hesitated, “Are you—Are you playing a joke on me? I can’t accept these.”
“Well, that would be a little rude.” He sounded monotonous, uninterested as he scrolled down the page with the mouse in his hand.
You took a different route of reluctance to accept such a gift.
“How can you afford these?”
“Blood money.”
“Jack.”
Jack stood at full height, “Re-lax.” He folded his arms across his broad chest, “Consider it a welcome gift to the Night Shift.”
(Nobody put money in the make-believe pot but him.)
”I changed shift patterns, two weeks ago.” You retorted.
He corrected, “A belated welcome gift, then.” When you didn’t seem convinced, Jack went in for—what they called in bowling—a strike. “Accept the earphones from this century…you’re too pretty to be walking around with those battered old things.”
“What?” You blinked in disbelief. Jaw slack.
Did you just hear that correctly?
Jack didn’t bring forth any further compliments apart from a shit-eating grin that had you stuck in the mud, clutching earphones way beyond your price range. You heard Lena chuckle at her iPad, and you snapped back into reality, fingers curled around the gifted AirPods; because performing a surgery to be able to clutch your own heart beating triple the amount of beats it should be, per minute, was downright unrealistic.
“Thank you.” You said quietly before turning back on your heel to put the earphones in your locker for safe-keeping.
Jack and Lena watched you scurry away like a field mouse, Abbot failing to miss the knowing gaze from Lena peering over her glasses at him.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Dr. Abbot.” She spoke in a tone of amusement.
Jack gave a nod, “Oh, I know exactly what I’m doing.”
3.
The third time was on the lesser side of grand gestures such as brand new Generation 3 AirPods wrapped in a twine bow, but the outcome was more gratifying to both parties.
The shift had been considered one of your worst. From the moment you stepped into the PTMC—even before this, but you attempted to leave your personal life at the door—you were greeted with hurdles that you continued to get your foot stuck under, metaphorically grazing your chin as you landed face first into disaster.
In addition to this, you were notified of Louie’s passing in an insensitive, pass-off comment by one of the new residents, James Ogilvie. It was told to try maintain a professional barrier between you and the patient, don’t get intertwined in their life and make a best friend out of them. But, you adored Louie. Despite the reasons behind his visits, his face was a welcomed one with the abundance of kindness he brought for someone who was losing against his own demons.
You placed your head against the coolness of your locker, burning eyes shut after Dr. Ellis told you to take five after you delivered some harsh truths to a difficult woman who was labelled Dr. Google and had little belief in the medical care provided to her son.
The idea came to visit Louie in the Viewing Room, maybe have one last conversation with him, but the notion was thrown off when you came to terms with the knowledge that a one-sided conversation with your favourite patient would only make matters worse for you. You’d be sure to visit him once your emotions were wrangled.
You let out a shuddered breath that you had been withholding.
“Hey.”
Almost giving yourself whiplash at the speed that you turned your head, your heavy heart dropped at the sight of Jack Abbot standing a couple of steps away from you with an iced coffee in his hand. He looked empathetic, concerned after it was relayed to him about your outburst toward a patient’s family member.
You were never one for sudden outbursts. Especially toward visitors.
You crossed your arms in an attempt to close yourself off, “Hey, Dr. Abbot.”
“I heard about Dr. Google.” He took a step closer and you winced, prepped for a slap on the wrist moment. He would remind you at a later time. “You OK?”
“I’m fine. Just—” You rubbed at your eyes, “Having a bad day.”
“Preach.” Jack mused and extended the plastic coffee cup to you. He encouraged you to take it with a nod of his head, “I think I got your order right. Don’t get mad if it isn’t. I heard that’s your thing now.”
You took the cup by the lid and threw Jack a stern look, unable to conceal the growing smile. “Thanks.” You took a sip and revelled in the immediate caffeine hit, and subsequently, Jack getting your order right.
(He asked Shen to go through his order history that he knew you had shared.)
Jack bit back a smile.
“Jack Tax?” You offered the cup up to Jack.
He hesitated to take it—cross-contamination and all factors a doctor usually worries about—but then threw caution to the wind. Might be the closest he gets to kissing you. Or something along those lines.
Jack took the cup wet from condensation back, tilting the cup upward until the coffee hit his lips. His eyes pinned you to the spot and suddenly, the ceiling tiles needed your immediate attention.
You started to count them. Length by width to equate the amount in total. Twenty-six by fourteen would equal—
“Are you free tomorrow?”
Oh.
Your equation forgone, your solemn expression wiped and replaced with surprise. Your attention dropped to the male in front of you, almost missing the way his free hand shook at his thigh. The burning question left hanging in the air as you digested each syllable he had spoken as if it were sacred text to memorise by word of mouth.
Suddenly feeling sheepish, Jack realised that he had picked a sensitive time in your day to boldly ask the question he had been biding his time to get correct. His throat bobbed, fingers curled around your coffee cup as it dawned on him that he may be translating as a real jackass with little emotional maturity to understand that you may just want to be left alone.
There was no escaping it, he thought. That would just look ridiculous now.
He cleared his throat, “I’m sorry.” He scrunched one eye shut and waved his own question off, “I shouldn’t have asked you when you’re having a bad day.”
“No, no. It’s fine.” You let out a nervous chuckle, palms pressed into your back as you arched your back to stretch awkwardly, “Free as in…?”
“A date.”
The wind almost knocked out of you. Lips formed into an ‘O’ you began to laugh from feeling shy, “Yeah. Shit, Abbot. I am off tomorrow.”
He knew. He checked the schedule.
Jack finally took a breath. His hand outstretched again to hand you back the coffee he had bought you.
“Alright.” He nodded, backing away with his thumbs up, “You can explain to me the reference: There’s people dying, Kim, that you told to Dr. Google over some drinks.”
You grimaced with the coffee back in your hands. Nose scrunched, you spoke, “Yeah. Sounds good.”
4.
Chivalry wasn’t dead.
According to the dive bar on Babcock Blvd with Jack Abbot punching his four-digit code into the card machine with every round of drinks he—and eventually you—had purchased on your night in Pittsburgh together.
You had both agreed on ‘casual’. Casual place, for a casual—no pressure—date, wearing casual clothes that differed from the usual scrub-wearing outfits you never seemed to be able to peel off of your frame.
Jack arrived early after you politely declined his text in the morning after you left work, asking if he could pick you up. The bar wasn’t far from your apartment, and it would save Abbot the fuel money that he so flippantly spent on brand new AirPods on you.
(The pieces of the puzzles were all slowly coming together.)
Nervous wasn’t part of Jack’s vocabulary. Built on adrenaline rushes and catastrophic tragedies, there wasn’t a bone in his body that shook at the definition of nervous.
He sat at the bar with the sticky countertop, his curls dampened from the rain and his prosthetic leg causing irrefutable irritation from the way it caused him to ache uncomfortably. No, he wasn’t nervous—he couldn’t be—Jack just felt…overwhelmed.
At least that’s what he so stubbornly called it.
And then you walked in.
Shit. OK, call it what it was. Nerves.
With a sunny disposition, your head shielded by a sodden newspaper you undoubtedly ducked into a corner shop to purchase on your walk. Suddenly, Jack felt inadequate in all aspects as a man, who wanted a date with the most beautiful woman he had set eyes on in a long time. His clothes suddenly falling short along the themes of ‘casual’, he regretted choosing a basic black tee—because it showed off his muscular biceps—and dark blue jeans. You looked breathtaking, and you weren’t even trying.
Jack threw back the dregs of his alcoholic beverage, hand slammed on the countertop as he gave a nod and a gesture to the bartender to give him the same again. Just stronger.
He stood when you approached, a grimace on his lips that told everything a doctor who knew him on a more personal level would know.
(His leg was killing him.)
You shrugged your jacket off, “Bothering you?”
“Not anymore.” Jack mumbled, eyes set on you with some well-placed adoration. When he sat, he spoke again, “You look pretty.”
“Thank you.” You tilted your chin into your shoulder.
After that, Jack paid you six more compliments—seven after his fifth drink slammed to ail his nerves—and aside from his attentiveness and eyes boring into your skull, the date turned out better than either of you had anticipated. There was no shadow of a doubt that it wouldn’t have crashed and burned but as two doctors at the PTMC, it was in your nature to expect the worst but hope for the best.
The kiss came in between your last drink and Jack passing off his card to the bartender. Mid-conversation, you had spotted Jack becoming fidgety in the stool he was perched on and you had put it down to the buzz of the alcohol mixed with relief that you two were two kindred flames outside of the workplace.
And then, his mouth was on yours. His hand placed against your jaw, fingers curled at the back of your head, he pulled you in for a painstakingly languid kiss. Noses bumped, smiles mushed together, you eventually pulled away when the kiss became borderline inappropriate for a public display of affection.
It sent your head reeling, judgement clouded to where the casualness of the date at the dive bar followed you into the car park, where Jack Abbot was casually knee-deep in the passenger seat of his truck with your bare thighs constricting around his head.
When he had finished, the windows fogged with droplets of condensation drooling down the tempered glass, Jack sat on the floor of the passenger side with the door open as he refitted his leg with a triumphant grin on his face. You had managed to wrangle your outfit back onto your body, face hot from a concoction of euphoria and the remainder of the alcoholic buzz.
“I’ve ordered you an Uber.” Jack mentioned as he cracked his spine, “ETA is about 5 minutes.”
He wasn’t going to be presumptuous of the night. Satisfied that you had reached your climax, Jack kept a respectful distance to the idea of going home with you after a successful first date.
(Not that he didn’t want to. He respected boundaries. Plus, with work the next day, his scrubs were at his house across town.)
You stretched like a cat in the seat, “How much do I owe you?”
Jack chuckled as he stepped onto the tarmac, his body angled toward you as he brought you in for another sweet kiss. “This one’s on me.” He mumbled against your lips.
5.
“I’m sorry to miss this.” Jack gripped onto the steering wheel of his truck, face apologetic.
You applied your lipstick in the passenger mirror, brows pinched at his apology. The lid to your lipstick made a soft click as you spoke, “Girl’s night?”
Jack nodded once.
That’s cute.
You leant over the console and pressed a fleeting kiss to his lips. The relationship still fresh—and more important, under wraps—you would take any opportunity outside of work to spend together. In which, Jack Abbot had coincidentally discovered his newfound love for ‘Girl’s Night.’
With a handful of your friends having met the elusive senior attending doctor turned…a person that you shared a bed with from time to time—labels had yet to be discussed—Jack had been privy to the inner workings of a get together where the women in your life sat on your sofa and just talked.
A lot.
He ended up making himself useful, serving drinks and food with a stolen kiss that had all your friends beaming from ear to ear. It turned out that Jack enjoyed it. And, when he wasn’t needed, he’d retreat to the bedroom to watch some news reports on his phone; with one earphone flicked out incase you called for his assistance again.
You rubbed your hand to the nape of his neck, “With all due respect. You’re not invited. And, not just because you picked up a SWAT shift on the Fourth of July.”
“Yeah.” Jack drawled, “You look pretty.”
“Thank you.”
Jack gestured in a circular motion around his own lips. “I like the…lipstick.”
“Oh yeah?” You grinned, lapping up his compliments like a parched dog.
“Yeah.” Jack confirmed lowly. He took a moment to rake your frame with his hungry eyes, a fleeting thought passed in his mind as he began to fish into his back pocket for his wallet—he started to carry cash whenever you were around—and pulled out a thick wad of dollars, his thumb making handiwork to count out the bills. “Here. Before I forget.”
“I don’t want your money, Jack.” You argued when he began to hand the money over to you.
Jack insisted, “Come on. A couple of rounds on me. Please?”
You hesitated, but ultimately knew it was a dead end debate in which Jack’s generosity and stubbornness would prevail. Fingers pinched the cash, you—respectfully—counted how much he gave you.
You frowned at the amount. “Jack. You’ve given me $200.”
“Yeah.”
“Where do you think we’re drinking?” You let out a breathless laugh and went to hand back $150, only to be met with reluctance. You shook your head, “Drinks do not cost that much.”
”$100 for drinks.” Jack leaned back into the driver’s seat, “And $50 for new lipstick.”
“What?” You stared at his weathered features in surprise, “You just said you liked my lipstick. Now you want me to buy a new one?”
As if it were the most glaringly obvious statement in this side of Pittsburgh, Jack tilted his head with his brows furrowed, feigning innocence like you wouldn’t believe.
It made your stomach knot.
“To buy more of the same lipstick.” He shifted in his seat to lean toward you, his lips a hot breath away from yours. “Because, I’ll keep kissing that shit off of you.”
You visibly reeled.
+1
You found Jack on the rooftop, where you had been informed he would be. His frame outlined by the bleeding pink and orange hue of the sunrise that peeked above the horizon. Hands in his pockets, he stood at the precipice of the ceiling, his eyes scanned across the Pittsburgh skyline.
You allowed some grace. Hand clutched a familiar brown paper bag, watching as Jack took deep breaths to remind himself he was still human. Still apart of the Earth that kept spinning after another person was added to the death toll.
Another person he couldn’t save.
When you saw his feet shift, you called out. “Grubhub delivery for one handsome veteran?”
Jack tilted his head to your voice, chin meeting his shoulder, “I didn’t order anything.”
“Shit.” You took a step forward, “Must be the wrong roof. You’re still handsome though.” Your lightheartedness was met with a chuckle, you could see it in the way Abbot’s shoulders lightly bounced whilst he shook his head.
“What are you doing up here?” He asked. Not that he wasn’t inclined to savour more moments up with you. The rooftop just wasn’t your thing.
You approached the railing that separated you from Jack, “Your friend with the loose tongue told on you.”
In reference to the Chief Attending, Dr. Michael Robinavitch, who had every incline to believe that you and Jack Abbot were in the early stages of a blossoming relationship. The man was incredibly intuitive, and when Jack began to smell like aftershave masking the scent of a lavender laundry detergent that was awfully similar to the one that he happened to smell off of you whenever you were in close proximity doing hand-offs…well, everything seemed to make sense in his mind.
So, as any good friend would do, he had pulled you aside with the ruse of discussing patient care, when in fact—whilst sparing you the gory details—Dr. Robby had some wonderful insight about Dr. Abbot’s whereabouts coming to his shift ending.
“Snitch.” Jack muttered.
“Out of love.” You reminded him, “Coming through.” Your body already dipped to bend below the metal railing, only for Jack’s hand to prevent you from reaching full height on the other side.
He thumbed behind him, “Behind.”
You stepped back reluctantly, “Oh, so there’s a hierarchy up here?”
Jack grunted as he bent down, popping back up behind the railing, his exhaustion worn on his face didn’t prevent a smile seeping through the cracks as he looked at you.
(God, he was so fucking attractive.)
“With a girlfriend that is afraid of heights? I’ll take my chances with her behind the railing.” Jack kissed you, his knuckle brushing your chin as you both avoided the fact that he had just pinned the tail on the donkey and called you his girlfriend. He sniffed, “You’re much cuter when you’re not chicken soup on a gurney.”
He kissed you again to distract you from the confusing comparison.
In translation: Jack didn’t want you fainting off the side of the building.
Slightly amused, you pulled back from the kiss and waggled the bag of hot food in front of Jack’s face. He read the side of the bag with narrowed eyes, a low hum elicited from the back of his throat.
“Robby?”
You threw him a look of complete disdain. “Jack Abbot. I’m starting to believe you don’t think I have any money.”
“I know you do. I just don’t expect you to spend it on me.” Jack said with honest conviction. He took the bag anyway, hand already diving into to find a couple of loose fries at the bottom of the bag.
He offered you one and you bit it between your teeth with gratitude. Not wanting to overstep, you allowed the silence to blanket over the two of you—the distant wails of sirens the only ambient sound so close to the PTMC—knowing that when Jack wanted to confide in you about his troubling thoughts, he’d do it when he was ready.
For now, Dr. Robby would be the one privy to that information.
You watched the sunrise further up into the sky whilst Jack tucked into his food, occasionally offering you a bite which you’d take out of politeness as you hadn’t eaten since the start of your shift. As the colours of the sky bled into a watered down pink, you let out a sigh of relief.
What a fucking pain of a shift to have overcome. You knew Jack felt the same.
Jack watched you rather than the scenic view ahead. That familiar ache in his chest returning; the one that he had felt similar to when he first met his late wife.
Not a comparison. Just a feeling.
When you caught him in the act of admiration, you lifted a brow for him to fess up.
I think I’m falling in love with you. No. He’d tell you that in different circumstances. In your apartment, with a pizza box between you and a movie thrown on that you swore you let Jack choose.
So, Jack Abbot settled for the next best thing. Your secret love language. “How much do I owe you?”
summary: you bring jack as your date to a wedding and he brings everything you’ve both been avoiding. (4.8k)
pairing: jack abbot x reader
content: grief/mourning, heavy angst, emotional themes, mutual pining, mention of death of a spouse, fake dating without actually fake dating.
your cousin maria’s wedding invitation had been sitting unopened on your kitchen counter for almost two full weeks before jack abbot found you blankly staring at it during a lull in the shift.
the er hummed around you in that familiar exhausted rhythm.
someone laughed too loudly at the nurses' station because everyone working twelve-hour shifts eventually lost their sense of appropriate volume.
a trauma pager went off nearby only for somebody else to groan, "not it," before disappearing around the corner anyway.
you were sat hunched over stale coffee in the break room, turning the envelope over and over like repetition alone might solve the problem.
you were fully established in your career, the kind of life that had taken real effort to build and yet somehow every family gathering still circled back to the same conversation.
not your job. not your achievements. not the years you had spent becoming someone you were genuinely proud of.
just whether you had a man.
your aunt was going to ask. she always did. same expression. same concerned little tilt of her head like your love life was a error she was personally trying to make her mission to resolve.
it annoyed you more than you liked admitting.
you had worked too hard. you had survived too many overnight shifts. missed too many holidays and birthdays and pieces of your own life trying to build something meaningful just to have your existence narrowed down to whether or not somebody was waiting for you at home.
you had made peace with it a while ago, quietly and without drama. if it happened, it happened. if not, your life still existed in full colour.
other people just seemed determined to view it in grayscale.
jack dropped into the chair beside you with a tired exhale, his legs stretching beneath the table until the toe of his shoe bumped yours accidentally.
neither of you moved away.
his wedding ring caught briefly under the fluorescent lights when he reached for the abandoned bag of pretzels beside you.
jack never talked about his wife much, but he didn't hide her either. there were small things people learned over time — that he had been married young, that she had died years ago, that he still wore the ring afterward without explanation and without apology.
you had never asked him about it. partly because it didn't feel like your place and mostly because the existence of it had always felt like a line neither of you were supposed to cross.
which was probably why nothing had ever happened between you despite months of lingering looks and conversations that stretched too long after shifts ended.
you had assumed jack felt it too. that whatever existed between you lived permanently in the category of things quietly left alone.
"you gonna open it," he asked, glancing at the envelope, "or are you hoping telepathy kicks in?"
you snorted softly despite yourself.
your thumb dragged along the gold lettering. your cousin's name stared back at you in elegant script that felt aggressively cheerful.
"eventually."
jack leaned slightly to get a better look. "wedding?"
you nodded once.
"you don't sound particularly excited."
you tipped your head back slightly. "because my entire family is gonna be there. and my aunt is definitely going to ask why i'm still single like she's conducting annual performance reviews."
that got a real laugh out of him. "harsh."
"last christmas she asked if i was 'being too picky,'" you muttered. "which is a crazy thing to say to someone who once dated a man that thought foreplay was sending me a thumbs-up emoji."
jack choked on his coffee. you looked over in alarm just as he started coughing into his fist, eyes watering slightly.
"oh my god," you said through laughter. "are you okay?"
he held up a hand, still coughing once before looking at you with disbelief.
"a thumbs-up emoji?"
"yellow too," you said solemnly. "not even one of the skin tone ones. just default settings disrespect."
jack laughed again, quieter this time, shaking his head. the sound settled warmly somewhere under your ribs.
"so this wedding is basically psychological warfare," he concluded.
"exactly."
he hummed, watching you for a second longer than necessary.
the silence between you had started feeling different lately.
charged in this quiet, impossible-to-ignore way. too many lingering glances. too many moments where one of you would look up and catch the other already looking.
you looked at him then, fully intending to make some throwaway joke about him being the perfect fake boyfriend to survive the weekend.
but the words stalled halfway out.
because jack looked unfairly good for a man who was simply eating your pretzels from the vending machine. there was something annoyingly magnetic about him lately. maybe not lately. maybe always.
you were just making the mistake of noticing now.
"you should just come with me," you said lightly. "save me from being interrogated about my romantic failures."
you expected him to laugh it off but instead, he went still and when you looked back at him, he was already watching you.
something unreadable crossed his face before he smoothed it away. "...okay."
your stomach dropped immediately.
"wait," you said, sitting up straighter. "seriously?"
he shrugged, trying for casual and missing by a mile. "if you want me there."
"jack—"
"sounds like you could use the backup."
you stared at him.
he reached for your abandoned coffee, took one sip, immediately grimaced, and pushed it back toward you.
"this is awful, by the way."
you blinked. "you just drank my coffee."
"i was trying to understand your emotional state."
that startled a laugh out of you so suddenly you nearly spilled the cup. jack smiled a little at that.
"it could be entertaining," he added. "watching your family try to figure me out."
"oh they won't try to figure you out," you said immediately. "they'll decide who you are within thirty seconds and never revisit it."
"great." he leaned back in the chair. "can't wait."
the problem was jack didn't really do things like this. he didn't casually agree to weddings. he especially didn't casually agree to weddings with you.
and the fact he had said yes so easily lodged itself somewhere dangerous in your chest for the rest of the shift.
you spent way too long getting ready not because you cared what anyone thought but because jack was picking you up.
your dress fell against your body in deep satin, somewhere between wine and dark brown depending on the light. it slipped slightly off your shoulders, neckline dipping just enough to feel intentional without looking like you had tried too hard.
the fabric hugged your waist before falling softer around your legs, elegant in a way that made you feel oddly unfamiliar in your own skin.
you kept adjusting it anyway.
once at the waist. once at the straps. once because your hands apparently needed a job or they were going to start shaking.
by the time your phone buzzed with a simple 'here', your pulse was already embarrassing you.
when you stepped outside, jack was leaning against his car waiting for you and unfortunately, that was a problem immediately.
his suit fit him unfairly well. dark, simple, expensive-looking without trying to be. his tie was already loosened slightly like formalwear physically offended him.
outside the hospital, he looked different. sharper somehow. less like the steady er doctor you saw every day and more like someone fully capable of destabilising your emotional wellbeing in entirely new settings.
your pulse stumbled the second he looked up and then stopped completely when his expression changed after seeing you.
just for a second.
his eyes moved over you once before he looked away toward the street like he needed a moment to recover privately.
your heartbeat tripped over itself.
"wow," he said finally, his voice sounded rougher than usual.
you tried to laugh through the heat climbing up your neck. "that bad?"
his gaze snapped back to yours immediately. "not even close."
the sincerity hit harder than flirting would've.
jack cleared his throat softly and walked around to open the passenger door for you.
you blinked at him. "...who are you?"
one corner of his mouth lifted. "thought i should pretend i was raised correctly for one night."
you laughed quietly, shaking your head as you got into the car.
his hand settled briefly against your lower back to steady you. both small and polite and completely ruining your life.
you noticed the absence of the ring almost immediately after. your eyes dropped automatically to his left hand resting against the steering wheel.
bare.
your breath caught before you could stop it and jack noticed instantly. his fingers flexed once against the wheel before he spoke, quieter now.
"figured people might have questions if i showed up as your date wearing a wedding ring."
the honesty of it hit harder than you expected.
your chest tightened painfully as your eyes flicked briefly toward his jacket pocket before back to him.
"it's still with me," he added after a second, his voice low and steady. "just... not on tonight."
something about the way he said it made it clear this wasn't him moving on. it wasn't him letting go.
it was practicality, consideration, and maybe even an attempt to make things easier for you more than himself.
"okay," you said softly. you didn't ask anything else. you didn't ask whether taking it off felt wrong. you didn't ask how long he'd sat with the decision before picking you up. you didn't ask whether he was regretting it already.
somehow not asking felt more intimate than if you had.
you glanced down toward his right leg instinctively when he adjusted slightly in his seat, subtle enough most people probably wouldn't have noticed. but you always noticed with him.
the stiffness after long shifts. the slight hitch when he stood too quickly. the way cold weather irritated it more than he ever admitted.
you had argued with him for almost ten minutes the previous day about driving. him deciding to be your date for already enough of a favor.
"jack, it's over an hour away."
"and?"
"and your prosthetic been bothering you all week."
"i'm surviving somehow."
"you're limping."
"don't worry about it." he had refused flat-out after that, already reaching for his keys in his pocket before he had shook them in your face while you had glared at him.
now, quieter, you looked over at him again. "i'm driving us back, by the way."
jack's eyes flicked briefly toward you before returning to the road. "we'll see."
you narrowed your eyes immediately. "that's not an answer."
a faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "you always this bossy outside the hospital too?"
"only with difficult patients."
that earned you a soft huff of laughter and then, after a second, he tapped his fingers once against the steering wheel.
"fine," he said. "you can drive back."
the victory felt weirdly satisfying.
you smiled despite yourself, settling back into the seat as the city lights blurred around you.
and beside you, jack glanced over once—brief, quiet, fond in a way that made your stomach tighten all over again.
the drive blurred past in warm city light and half-finished thoughts. jack drove one-handed, relaxed in a way that somehow still looked deliberate. every so often he adjusted his tie with visible irritation like he was resisting the urge to rip it off entirely.
you kept catching yourself staring at the soft line of his jaw under passing streetlights. the quiet focus in his expression when he drove. the way he looked solid even in silence.
eventually, without looking over, he said, "you're doing it again."
heat rushed into your face instantly. "doing what?"
his eyes flicked toward you briefly. "staring."
you swallowed hard. "sorry."
a faint curve appeared at the corner of his mouth. "i didn't say you had to stop."
your stomach flipped so hard it genuinely irritated you so you turned toward the window immediately to hide the smile breaking across your face.
jack noticed anyway.
you could hear it in his voice when he said, quieter now, "there it is."
you looked back over. "what?"
"the smile you've been trying not to do for the last five minutes."
you hated how warm your face got and you hated even more that jack looked quietly pleased with himself for causing it.
that was the exact moment you realised this entire night was going to be a disaster one way or another.
the venue glowed warm against the dark sky, golden lights spilling across the courtyard while music drifted softly through the open doors.
guests clustered together in little pockets of conversation, champagne glasses flashing in the light every time someone laughed.
the second you walked in with jack beside you, your family noticed instantly.
your cousin maria spotted you first near the bar and immediately pointed between the two of you with the expression of someone witnessing breaking news.
"oh, this is insane," she said before you had even reached her. "you brought a hot doctor?"
you nearly choked on air.
jack, meanwhile, looked completely calm as he held out his hand politely. "jack."
your cousin ignored the handshake entirely and hugged him instead.
"thank you for finally giving this family something interesting to talk about."
"maria," you hissed.
she pulled away only to look between the two of you suspiciously. "wait. are you guys actually together or are you doing that thing emotionally unavailable people do where they stare at each other for six months instead of going on a date?"
jack actually laughed while you stared at him in betrayal.
"wow," you muttered. "great to know who's side you're on."
"she seems perceptive," he said calmly.
maria pointed aggressively at him. "i like him, a lot."
things only got worse from there.
your mother adored him within approximately four minutes. then jack found himself helping your uncle carry extra chairs over because apparently he possessed the deeply dangerous quality of being both attractive and useful.
you watched from your table as your niece anna climbed directly into his lap without invitation halfway through dessert because she had apparently decided he looked trustworthy.
jack didn't even blink. he just balanced her there naturally while she explained something extremely serious about horses.
"that one's mean," she informed him solemnly from his lap while pointing at a centerpiece swan sculpture. "you can tell."
jack nodded gravely. "absolutely. bad energy."
anna looked delighted. your mother looked emotional and you looked like you needed to be tranquilised.
jack glanced across the table toward you with anna still tucked against his side, and something in your chest pulled painfully tight at how easy he looked there.
how natural.
like he had belonged in your life long before tonight.
your aunt eventually cornered you near the drinks table with a glass of wine in hand and an expression that immediately made you defensive.
"he looks at you very carefully," she said.
you blinked. "what does that even mean?"
she shrugged lightly. "like you're something he's trying not to want too much."
your stomach dropped so suddenly. "you are unbelievable."
"i'm experienced," she corrected. "there's a difference."
you rolled your eyes, but heat spreading across your cheeks.
across the room, jack caught your eye over the rim of his drink and then smiled slightly when he realised you had been caught looking at him again.
you looked away first.
the ceremony started and slowly, almost invisibly, something changed.
jack still smiled when people spoke to him. still let your mother drag him into family photos. still nodded politely through increasingly invasive questions from distant relatives who had apparently already decided you were secretly engaged.
you noticed first that he stopped moving.
the little idle shifts disappeared. his expression quieted into something too still for the warmth of the room around him.
at first you thought he was just tired but then the groom's voice cracked during his vows and jack froze. only for a second but you felt it immediately beside him.
his right hand slipped into his pocket and stayed there.
your gaze dropped instinctively to the ring hidden against his palm.
your throat tightened painfully.
he stared forward, composed enough that nobody else would notice anything wrong, but you could feel the tension in him now, sharp and controlled and exhausting.
like he was holding himself together through sheer force alone.
and suddenly guilt hit you so hard it made your chest ache.
you shouldn't have asked him to come.
you shouldn't have put him in a room full of promises and first dances and forever.
you turned slightly toward him, unsure what to even do with the hurt suddenly sitting between you.
the bride and groom swayed slowly at the center while everyone around them softened into blurred movement and warm light. your cousin laughed against her husband's shoulder, her eyes closed like happiness was the easiest thing in the world.
jack looked away first then his hand shifted against yours on the seat. hesitant and barely there, like he almost stopped himself.
your breath caught. slowly, carefully, you turned your hand just enough.
jack took it immediately, his fingers slid between yours like it was the only steady thing in the room.
he still didn't look at you but his thumb moved once over your knuckles while his other hand stayed buried in his pocket around the ring.
past and present held in the same breath.
and you didn't let go.
the night had gone quiet in the way only weddings do after the noise finally runs out of permission to exist.
the reception thinned slowly until it became something softer. chairs being stacked in uneven piles, glassware clinking in distant trays, music fading into something almost imagined rather than heard.
outside, the air had cooled properly now, settling against your skin as you sat on the stone steps behind the venue.
the kind of quiet that didn't feel empty so much as exhausted, like the whole day had finally collapsed into itself.
jack was sat beside you, close enough that your knees brushed when either of you shifted. his suit jacket sat around your shoulders, still warm from him, the fabric heavy in a way that felt more intimate than it should've been.
his tie hung loose, shirt collar open slightly, sleeves rolled unevenly like he had stopped caring about precision hours ago. he looked tired in a way that wasn't just physical.
you could see it now that everything had slowed down enough to notice.
neither of you had spoken for a while.
not because there was nothing to say but because everything felt too close to the surface.
the distant sound of cleanup drifted faintly behind the venue doors. laughter from inside had dulled into occasional bursts before disappearing completely. even the wind felt slower somehow, like it didn't want to interrupt.
finally, your voice broke the silence, quieter than you meant it to be.
"i'm sorry for tonight."
jack didn't look at you immediately. his gaze stayed forward, fixed somewhere in the dark beyond the parking lot, like if he focused hard enough he could keep himself steady in place.
his hands were loosely clasped in front of him, but his fingers kept flexing like they couldn't decide what to do with themselves.
"don't do that," he said eventually.
"i brought you here and—"
"i said don't." it wasn't sharp but just strained like he didn't have the energy to let you take responsibility for something that wasn't just yours.
that should've been the end of it but something in his voice made your chest tighten instead of settling.
you turned slightly toward him and that's when you saw it properly. his jaw wasn't as controlled as it had been all night. his mouth had gone tight in a way that looked like restraint held too long. there was a faint crease between his brows that hadn't been there earlier.
his breathing wasn't quite even anymore, subtle enough that anyone else might've missed it — but you didn't.
"jack," you said carefully.
he exhaled through his nose, slow and uneven, like he was trying to reset something internally.
"i'm fine." it was automatic but not very convincing.
you didn't push. you just stayed there beside him, letting the silence sit again, softer this time. the kind of silence that didn't demand anything from him but didn't leave him alone either.
a long moment passed before jack shifted slightly like his body had tried to hold itself together and failed quietly.
his hands went to his face, slow at first like a reflex he didn't mean to follow. he dragged them across his eyes, as if trying to physically reset something inside himself.
but it didn't work like something inside him had reached its limit without warning.
you saw it in his posture first. the way he bent forward slightly, elbows resting on his knees now, head dipping like the weight of everything had finally become too much to hold upright. his fingers curled against his face again, but this time they didn't steady him.
his breathing turned uneven.
"jack..." you started, softer now.
he shook his head once, sharply, like he was trying to stop you from witnessing it fully but it was already happening.
his voice came out rough.
"i'm trying," he said, barely audible. "i'm trying to keep it together."
your chest tightened immediately.
he let out a short, broken laugh under his breath but it wasn't humor. it was disbelief at himself.
"it's just... tonight," he added quickly, like he needed something to anchor it to. "weddings are—"
he stopped because whatever explanation he had reached for didn't make it out.
his hand dropped from his face and you saw it then.
his eyes were wet.
not fully crying yet. not openly. but close enough that it made your heart ache, like something in you had dropped in response.
he blinked hard, once, like he could force it back down through effort alone but it didn't work.
his voice broke slightly when he spoke again.
"i thought i could do this."
you didn't move closer yet. you didn't want to overwhelm him or make it worse. so you stayed where you were, steady beside him, letting him have space even as he fell apart in it.
"you are doing it," you said quietly.
he shook his head again, sharper this time.
"no." his voice cracked on the word. he swallowed, looking away like he couldn't stand being seen. "i'm not."
and almost like it slipped out before he could stop it. "i miss her."
that landed between you like something heavy and irreversible.
jack's hands clenched together once, then loosened again like he didn't know what to do with them. his breathing stuttered as he tried to steady himself.
"i see things like this," he said, voice roughening further, "and i think i've gotten used to it. like it doesn't do anything anymore."
his eyes shut for a second and when they opened again, they were glassier, more exposed.
"and then i come here and i realize i haven't."
he looked down at his hands like they belonged to someone else. "and i miss her so much it feels... wrong to still be sitting here."
your chest ached in a way that felt almost physical but you didn't interrupt and just listened.
he dragged a hand through his hair, messier now, less controlled. "and then there's you," he said quietly.
that made your breath catch but he still didn't look at you. he physically couldn't.
"and i don't know what to do with that either."
silence hit again, heavier this time. his voice dropped further. "because it's not the same. it can't be. but it's still there."
his jaw tightened like he hated how honest it was.
"and i feel guilty for even thinking about it," he admitted, his voice breaking again. "like it means i'm letting her go."
that was when his composure finally gave out completely. he covered his face again, his shoulders shaking once as he tried to inhale properly.
it wasn't loud crying. it was controlled grief collapsing under its own weight.
years of holding it in finally slipping through all at once, right there on the steps behind a wedding where everyone else had already moved on to happily ever afters.
slowly and carefully, you shifted closer until your shoulder pressed gently against his. not forcing anything and offering presence without demand.
jack didn't pull away. if anything, he leaned into it slightly like his body had been waiting for permission to stop holding itself so rigid.
his breathing was uneven against your shoulder, catching and releasing in broken rhythms as he tried to steady himself.
you stayed like that.
you let him miss her without interruption. letting him fall apart without trying to reshape it and letting him exist in the space between grief and everything else he didn't know how to name yet.
eventually, his voice came quieter again.
broken, but steadier than before. "i didn't expect this."
you didn't ask what he meant because you already knew.
he let out a shaky breath, wiping at his face once more like it frustrated him that he couldn't just stop the emotion on command.
"i'm sorry," he added immediately, instinctively, like apologising was still his first reflex even now.
you shook your head slightly. "don't. you don't have to be sorry for missing her."
that made him go still.
his breathing slowed gradually after that, not fixed, not resolved, but settling enough that the moment stopped feeling like it might shatter completely.
you thought that would be where it ended but jack inhaled slowly, like he was gathering something heavier than breath.
his hand dropped from his face.
he didn't look at you right away and when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter than everything else that had come before it—steadier, but stripped down.
"there's something i need to say," he admitted shaking his head once, like he didn't love the vulnerability of even starting.
you shifted, just slightly. your fingers tightened around the fabric of his jacket still around your shoulders—like you had only just remembered it was there.
"i've been trying not to say it for months."
that made your pulse pick up as jack finally looked at you. not like a colleague. not like someone passing time. not like a man trying to behave correctly at a wedding.
just... him.
"i've liked you for the longest time," he said simply.
your breath caught sharply.
he didn't rush it. he didn't overexplain it and just let it sit there in the air between you like it had always been there anyway.
"and it hasn't gone away," he added, quieter now. "if anything it's gotten worse overtime."
a short, almost helpless exhale left him like he was annoyed at himself for saying it out loud.
his gaze dropped briefly, then lifted again.
"i would ask you out," he said, voice rough but honest, "if i wasn't... like this."
he gestured vaguely to himself—not just the night, or the grief, but everything sitting behind it.
"i'm not in a place where i can do that properly," he admitted. "not without dragging all of this into it. and you really don't deserve that."
your nodded slowly and he swallowed, his jaw flexing slightly.
"i need to sort myself out first," he said more firmly, like he needed to believe it. "before i ruin something that shouldn't be touched by this."
you let out a breath that almost turned into something else. not a laugh but something softer, more incredulous. it cut through the tension just enough for you to find your voice.
"jack," you said to which he stopped instantly which mattered more than it should've.
your voice came out steadier than you felt. "you don't get to decide what i deserve."
his eyes flickered—not away, but through that statement, like it landed deeper than he expected.
you hesitated for a moment "and you don't get to decide you ruin things just by wanting them."
your fingers tightened slightly against his jacket again. "i'm not asking you to be whole," you said. "i just wish you'd stop acting like you're not allowed to want anything."
jack didn't answer you right away.
his gaze dropped for a moment, like something inside him had been interrupted mid-collapse and didn't know what shape to take next.
when he looked back up, he still looked wrecked.
very much still human and still carrying everything but now he looked like he was in it with you present, not alone inside it.
and that changed everything in a way neither of you said out loud.