wildflowerrising

This is me, untamed, flowing through growing pains, standing strong in midst of many revalations and reflections. Speaking my truth until I have nothing left to say

[wildflowerrising]

driving blind

in my dream i couldnt see

in my reality i didnt know what was ahead of me

my subconscious is trying to tell me

I am not living my best life 

there is change in the future that will be challenging 

but with all challenges comes growth 

the fear of the unknown within me

within this life i see

outside of my dream it speaks true to me

but all i can do, is have trust that everything is happening as its meant to be

[wildflowerrising]

we are conditioned to have eating disorders, this is fact because of what we see in the magazines, on the internet, how we judge ourselves based on how other people look. And guess what, if your too skinny you wont have an ass and if you have an ass your too fat. So you cant really win. I remembered going through phases in life where i wouldn't allow myself to eat certain things even if I wanted it so badly. And if i did end up eating it this unruly guilt would pile up inside me. In my head i would record every little thing i put in my body that day. And if it was a good day or a bad day. I would go so long without eating. I didnt always do this though. Sometimes i would work out and eat a lot. other times i would work out and not eat. I never thought it was unhealthy though. I was pre-conditioned by the media. Like so many of us are. I knew it was fucked up but it was my secret and at the same time I didnt know why, or why i was doing it. Now thinking back I feel it was for some sort of control in my life. I wanted to have control of something I to replace not having control somewhere else in my life. Its obvious now and I feel i always knew it was wrong back then but i didnt want to believe it because i wanted to be perfect on the outside even though i was screaming and dying on the inside. Its a horrible, horrible cycle.  

[wildflowerrising]

a woman i did not know

there is within a woman i haven't come across

the loss of innocence a child like mind

she showed me darkness the hurt within

a place i have not been

i met her with alcohol, drugs and sex

her heart ached for a better world but everywhere she turned she lost sight as she tried to witness light in between the insanity

she forgot what love for herself looked like

i tried calling her to talk some sense but the timing was past tense

she never picked up

she was gone for now but she will return

for most of the month she will return and in turn i will hold her for that time

embrace her, love her, through all the madness

even though she scares me and drags me into a place i would never lay

i cant let the dark days take her beauty away

[wildflowerrising]

I remember the days like they were yesterday. Playing ukulele down by the river, one of your favorite spots to swim and hang with friends in the sunshine. I remember your big ol’ hugs you gave freely to everyone you loved. The way you made everyone laugh out loud with your silliness and humor. Your spontaneity delighted me when we drove to Tofino last minute. Singing loudly to all the songs I had on a “roadie” playlist. You told me the history of that old highway and the stories your grandmother and mother told you, you shared with me. You always held such a safe, graceful space for everyone to be themselves. One evening I drunkenly sang “Flowers in your Hair” with you and you just smiled and let me belt this song out, while others awkwardly left the space. I am so grateful we got to share one last night together at the Cumberland Hotel with the best of friends. We danced all night and had a breakfast of champions the next morning. You have left such fond, beautiful memories in my life and I miss you so much. In times of indecision I will always ask myself “What would Micah do?” Thank you for your grace, your kindness, your warmth. You left so much behind and the memories I have of you, I will always cherish. Miss you friendo.  

[wildflowerrising]

I'm an introvert masquerading as an extrovert that is the Scorpio in me.

[wildflowerrising]

friend zone

it always goes the same way

i pretend i just wanna be friends

now your with some superficial blonde

she wont let me see you anymore, i dont know you anymore

i sit here and remember how it use to be

all our inside jokes you laughing next to me

the trips we went on, the trips we planned

i was your first friend in this small town

you said “happy anniversary” when we knew each other for one year

we met on new years eve and you wanted to sleep with me

i shrugged you off a couple times thats not who i wanted to be

some time passed, i wondered where you went?

we fist bumped to friendship that night

i should have told you my feelings were growing for you

but it was to late

and you slowly dwindled out of my life, like it always seems to be for me

obsessing over someone you didnt even know 

what happened to our friendship? 

you shrugged me off cause you were with her

she knew a lot of insecurities and you loved her through them

but you let me go because of them

you let me go for a girl you dont even know

eyes watering now, it feels like a blow to the nose

i should have told you

i should have told you

i should have never let you go

[wildflowerrising]

first street house

I've witnessed this house in all of its glory and dirt

Spring, the rebirth of all new things, rain and more rain come down. Sprout up flowers, all living things. Let the birds sing. May the wind blow lightly, the sun shine proudly for the Japanese maple tree to bare in all of its glory.

Summer, green thumb brings ditry hands. Cultivating food from the land , raising chickens for eggs. White picket fence where 7 sunflowers made a home too.

Fall, the death, beautiful golds, warm breeze cant you take me with you? harvesting squash upon squash, feasts on feasts of food galore, preparing for the winter, stacking wood upon wood to keep us cozy and warm.

Winter, going inward, a time of darkness, a time of reflection, home body, baths and naps, wood stove burning looking out heritage windows as snow falls.

Spring, REBIRTH! here I am again, Its time to move on its been a year in this old house, I’ve made it my own and its all I have known for a year.

leaving this place  better then I found it, I painted the walls and prepared the garden beds

I love this old house

but its pushing me out

its time I know

I will miss this old house

[wildflowerrising]

its time

the stars are aligned

i feel a shift, a power to adrift 

shifting objects around in my little life

I’m open to the eb’s and flows into the unknown

my heart guiding me every so gracefully

its time

in this little life of mine

[wildflowerrising]

my day

eyes watching out windows while wind takes the trees

upon shelves where books live that haven't been read

red dripping down fingers with a head full of dread

woman are all the same, jealous, resentful, power strippers

and before i leave ill try and speak the truth to wash away the disrespect 

but you just deny, deny, and deny

so ill go sit somewhere and cry because it happens all the time

trying to keep things professional all the time

you are fake to your very limb, and i thought more of you

but now i cant wait to leave you

even the kids see the rudeness that you leave 

[wildflowerrising]

I bruise easily

but i dont let this resentment overcome me

hold my breathe underwater

forgiving myself isnt easy 

now im left with dirty sheets

you used me 

pull the covers over my face and try to sleep

i cant believe this has happened to me again

i bruise easily, but did i let it happen to me?

Although i cant wash away the bruises left behind

forgiveness comes in time 

and im still young

[wildflowerrising]

peeping tom

I was 20 years old. Why couldn't I believe my own eyes back then? Why couldn’t I trust my intuition that someone was watching me? When I told my boyfriend what had happened he would say “your eyes are playing tricks on you”. But now I can see. I can see the truth. I can hear the truth from other victims. I remember seeing wide eyes peering in. I remember your orange hair. I remember you smiling at me staring at you. I remember squinting my eyes so hard in disbelief trying to make out what I was seeing. That wasn't the first time though.  I remember you watching me across the street. You would just stand there. Just standing there watching. I saw you and wondered why is this person just standing there? I remember all of the long, dark nights feeling like someone was watching me. I remember the window right beside my bed. I remember the two tall cedar trees that stood in front of the house. I remember the 3 rhododendron bushes in front of the windows that you probably hid behind.  I remember my dog’s ears shooting up and looking around in the middle of the night. The last thing I remember is you banging on my door. I was home alone. No boyfriend, no dog. I remember calling the police. I had never been so scared in my life. My intuition was screaming something bad is about to happen. I remember shaking and crying. I wanted to stay strong. The police didn’t come for a while. My boyfriend didn't believe me. I was so naïve, so young, but also so right all of those years ago. And when I listened to the woman tell me her story. She validated everything I had experienced. When she had to go down to the police station and pick this person out of a line of registered sex offenders. And she knew exactly who it was because of his orange hair.  She validated me that day. I was standing there in the middle of a store listening to her speak about her truth. My dog saved me all of those nights after me and my boyfriend broke up. She protected me, she let me know when something wasn’t right. It could have been a lot worse. But it was bad. My sense of safety was taken away. My sense of freedom. It wasn't fair. He would watch me when I got changed, he would watch me sleep, he would watch me have sex, he would watch me. period. 

[wildflowerrising]

Residential School Survivor

I started to heal the inner child in me and my emotions. I had to bring them up to date. Quitting drinking was the first part of it. That’s how I answered everything. I would take a drink and get drunk. All of my feelings would come out and I wanted to change all of that. In order to change all of that I had to understand that there's a lot of feelings controlling why I drank. And in our modern-day world we think that if you get rid of the alcohol you get a better person. But in my world in my own life before I stopped drinking I was a drunken..(you know what)..and when I sobered up, I was the sober one and I was not nice and still as miserable but just didn’t drink. And then I started to understand that there was more to sobering up then just to not drinking. I started to awaken to life, a new life and what it had to offer and then I realized I had to look back at the trauma that happened to me and deal with that. Things happened in my life when I was a child that I had to deal with as an adult and look back on it to heal it.  

[wildflowerrising]

just me

I will always be,

too intense but that's just passion

too loud but that's just how I express my emotion

too stubborn but that’s just how I judge situations

too opinionated but at least I have an opinion

too weird but at least I'm not boring

I forgive and forget too soon

I love hard, invest myself into people i love and care about 

I wear my heart on my sleeve

I am sensitive

I cry when I'm happy

I laugh when I feel awkward

I ball when I'm sad

I am patient

I am loyal

I am an old soul

my inner child shines

I act silly, young and stupid

I am unapologetically myself

I am me...

Lets stop apologizing for who we are...

[wildflowerrising]

lonely roads

i feel like I'm loosing my mind

give me some water so i cant put my brains fire out tonight

driving long distances on highways unfamiliar 

going no where except to escape from myself

i wish i could switch my brain off

the thought of escaping just seems so much better right now

trying to find a sign some where on this long long road 

my stomach turning as i brew up sickening thoughts only i know

nobody knows the pain inside, i dont really understand why 

im spitting out these words because right now thats all i know to keep me going

it just gets worse but i keep going 

im so damn tired, so damn broke, so damn sick, i dont know where to go

so when my tank hits empty and ive lost myself on these roads

i drive back to the only place i know

and i really hate it here, all these people i dont know, changing so fast why does it have to grow

leave me behind, because really i have no place to go 

thats why im on these lonely lonely roads 

[wildflowerrising]

:(

hurt people hurt people. 

[wildflowerrising]

Her face says freedom With a little fear I have no fear I have only love

And if I was a child And the child was enough Enough for me to love Enough to love

She is dancing away from you now She was just a wish She was just a wish And her memory is all that is left for you now

[wildflowerrising]

anti-self

I am not who i use to be. The happy, optimistic girl. I wish i knew what happened to her. Over time due to experience's she got lost in the darkness. When the world seems to heavy to bear my mind wanders and i cant seem to pull it back out of the darkness. It always lurked over me, i was stronger in my thoughts back then. I cared more to be happier. Life is a shit storm. People are shitty, money is power, men treat you like your just some walking fuckable dummy, woman treat you like shit, people you work with treat you with no respect because of your education level. I really want to be a woman who is stronger then all this bullshit. But when you get older its really hard to imagine....ever feeling that way again. When you tell people your struggling with your mental health people don't take you seriously. I guess its so common these days no wonder people take their own lives. I feel the burden I put on so many. And its so fucking sad because who cares how im feeling? There are way worse things happening to people every single minute. What is this life? Where is the world going? Where am I going? Do I want to witness where we are all going?