Rantings, I guess

[willcarryon]

On Timing and Autism

In the past year I diagnosed myself to be on the autism spectrum. With that, has come a lot of insight, a lot of new understandings, a lot of relief, and a lot of apologies for behavior of mine.

While that's all well and good, part of me wishes I had this diagnosis decades ago. Something that I could use as an explanation for awkward social situations I put myself in, and odd responses I had to others. But I grew up in the 90s and 00s, and having something like a label like autistic would have meant a very different experience in my school days.

I wouldn't have been having fits, or any outbursts in class at all. But the stims I did (and still do) have would have been easily explained. Regardless, I would have been put in the "other" category for social contact for people outside of the small immediate friend groups I had.

I doubt I would have dated anyone until college, and even then I probably would have been more clueless than I already was.

I'm still glad I have answers to why I do what I do, and it will help going forward in life. But sometimes I wish I had those answers sooner.

[willcarryon]

A pattern formed

Like my last post, there’s another person that I was in some ways attached to platonically and romantically. 

They are still on this website, but I believe they are inactive enough and this blog is removed enough that I doubt this will be seen by them. 

Our friendship started on here many years ago. We talked on and off, again separated by enough distance that I (and maybe they) were scared of the distance, and the commitment needed to make a meaningful romantic relationship work. I would talk to someone else, they would talk to someone else, and we would continue the off and on relationship we had.

Is that really something worth telling? Not really. Most people have at least one person they were interested in and never made it work for any specific reason.

But a few years ago they started dating someone. It quickly became pretty serious between them, and eventually they moved in with each other. I had my own relationship to focus on, why was I concerned about theirs?

Part of the problem I know was the pandemic stopping my partner and I from visiting at all. We knew going into the relationship that distance would be something for us to work through. but the unexpected 3 year break in physical contact was tough to deal with.

The other issue was caused because of my mental health. My partner rarely uses social media and my friend uses theirs more frequently. People that have ADHD usually live the “outta sight, outta mind” idiom literally most of the time. 

Recently, my friend ended their relationship. I don’t know what happened, if it was amicable or did they fight. They were very distressed about it, understandably so since they had been together for a few years and seemed like they were a strong couple. 

Why was I excited and somewhat pleased to see it happen? Did I not like the partner? Was it motivated by an old desire to be with my friend, even in a casual and non-committal way? Was I so starved for validation and physical affection that I latched onto old crushes I had? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions.

[willcarryon]

She used to be mine

There was a girl I loved, once.

Her name is irrelevant. So are her feelings. I do not say this to be cruel, but I say it because she has made the choice to remove herself from my life. 

It wasn’t always this way. We met on this site. Messages and follows exchanged, tagging in posts, it was good fun. Then came texting, and Facebook friends. Steam friend codes and games played. Eventually, I fell in love. Not a romantic love, not at first. But a platonic appreciation and affection. I genuinely cared for her. One of the very few people I could ask about their day and actually give a shit about. 

Things started to change. I started to feel different feelings towards her. The time up until now was just thinking we were best friends, two sides of the same side of a coin. I began feeling like I wanted to care for her, protect her, give her everything I could to make her happy. I wanted to be her best friend, but also her lover. Maybe I was for a time. We danced back and forth across the line of friends and partners. 

Every so often she would fall away from me. It was due to depression and anxiety, or stress from her day-to-day life. Sometimes it would be for a week, sometimes a month. A few times it was for several months. Now it’s been a year since she’s received a text message I sent, or had her phone turned on. Over the years, she slowly reduced her digital footprint on social media. She called it too much, and I agreed. But I realized her phone number was the only link I had to her for a long time. Now that is gone. 

We never met in person. We had Skype calls, and called each other on the phone regularly. But I never touched her, never held her hand or kissed her. I let fear poison the relationship. I used the convenient excuse of distance as to why we never ended up together. I could have had a shot at a relationship with her, but I never committed. 

I don’t say this to lament over what choices I made after her. I think I have done the best with the circumstances I have had. I don’t mean to demean or lessen my current partner and my relationship. But she was my penultimate love. I see that now. 

Given how our story played out, I do not blame her for what happened at all. Maybe I could or should. But the part that hurts the most is that I didn’t get any closure. One day the earth swallowed her up and that was it. No awkward scrolling on social media to see her announce she was in a relationship or engaged or had a child on the way. Just nothing.

I hope she’s okay. Maybe she figured life out and is doing better. Maybe she isn’t alive anymore.