Ankh Morporkh Times

[johntherobotwanderer]

Discworld book where the auditors hear about the phrase "it's not over till the fat lady sings" and hire someone to kidnap all the fat ladies in the world to find the One who will end the world when she sings.

Lady Sybil Vimes is one of the ladies, so Sam Vimes is on the warpath until he can find her, while the watch desperately try to keep all infrastructure from falling apart without all the fat ladies who keep it together on a daily basis

It ends when Sybil leads a hoard of fat ladies into battle, which ends up being so glorious an unrelated time traveler who witnesses it goes back to his native time starts the myth of the Valkyries

[discworld-heritage-posts]

Discworld Heritage Post

[yunisverse]

oh your tyrant pulls fingernails? that's cute. this man tortures people by taking that one nightmare about being lead in a play you don't know the script for, and turning it into their source of income.

[zoenold]

saving mr. tiddles / saving the post

[discworld-heritage-posts]

Discworld Heritage Post

[parkayquarts]

THE BLACK RIBBONERS!! 🎗🧛🏻

[vectorofsins]

new New Yorker Ankh-Morpork Times cartoon dropped

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

@willdewordeofficial

Don't you DARE publish this

Adora will never stop laughing

[your-lord-vetinari-official]

Oh I don't know, it's rather a good likeness.

[ms-adora-belle-dearheart]

Hahahahahaha!

[willdewordeofficial]

yeah it ran last night Moist

[willdewordeofficial]

Hey, de Worde!

*Lipwig is nearly unrecognizable in his street clothes, a gray suit and pants.*

You wrote the article on the desert, right? What do you know about this gold they found?

"...Wow you really took the worst of it after the trial didn't you. Uh...Aridia has had a rather recent discovery of Gold in it's deserts, and despite the fact up until recently it was considered a worthless bit of sunbaked clay that for some reason Ankh Morpork owned, people have been rushing to there. Honestly the report's I've gotten from there sound...too good to believe. "Gold nuggets piled up on the shores" and stuff like that." "...You're not thinking of going are you?"

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

*his grin, however, is still recognizable*

Oh yes, my dear Will, I am indeed. I have a whole month to make monetary amends, and what better way than through a land brimming with gold?

[willdewordeofficial]

"...A land where you are less likely to be stabbed by people so they don't have to dig up their own? You got to remember the people flooding into Aridia are from Ankh-Morpork. I don't know if you've noticed but people can be pretty greedy and cutthroat in this city"

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

Ahaha, yes, I know. The people of the city hear about this golden opportunity, and they'll flood the desert with pickaxes and anger - and little else.

I'm not going to become a miner, de Worde. Even I'm not that suicidal. But I do know how hard mining is - well, I can imagine, at least. You know what those people will need? A place to stay. A place to drink. A place to send a Clacks message or a letter to their relatives begging for more supplies. Aridia is a wasteland, and I've got some golems who are very good at building things. Plus, Harry King will want the rail to extend out there, I'm sure. So I'll be hitting two birds with one stone.

[willdewordeofficial]

Oh Ok much smarter idea. If I may make a suggestion? Set up in Little Morpork, it's the largest in-land settlement on the continent. The trainline would best move through there as well. Actually I've been planning on taking a trip there to cover some of the recent events in the area so we might run into eachother.

[willdewordeofficial]

Hey, de Worde!

*Lipwig is nearly unrecognizable in his street clothes, a gray suit and pants.*

You wrote the article on the desert, right? What do you know about this gold they found?

"...Wow you really took the worst of it after the trial didn't you. Uh...Aridia has had a rather recent discovery of Gold in it's deserts, and despite the fact up until recently it was considered a worthless bit of sunbaked clay that for some reason Ankh Morpork owned, people have been rushing to there. Honestly the report's I've gotten from there sound...too good to believe. "Gold nuggets piled up on the shores" and stuff like that." "...You're not thinking of going are you?"

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

*his grin, however, is still recognizable*

Oh yes, my dear Will, I am indeed. I have a whole month to make monetary amends, and what better way than through a land brimming with gold?

[willdewordeofficial]

"...A land where you are less likely to be stabbed by people so they don't have to dig up their own? You got to remember the people flooding into Aridia are from Ankh-Morpork. I don't know if you've noticed but people can be pretty greedy and cutthroat in this city"

[willdewordeofficial]

Hey, de Worde!

*Lipwig is nearly unrecognizable in his street clothes, a gray suit and pants.*

You wrote the article on the desert, right? What do you know about this gold they found?

"...Wow you really took the worst of it after the trial didn't you. Uh...Aridia has had a rather recent discovery of Gold in it's deserts, and despite the fact up until recently it was considered a worthless bit of sunbaked clay that for some reason Ankh Morpork owned, people have been rushing to there. Honestly the report's I've gotten from there sound...too good to believe. "Gold nuggets piled up on the shores" and stuff like that." "...You're not thinking of going are you?"

[willdewordeofficial]

*A chicken suddenly falls on the editor's desk, as it seems, literally through the ceiling, with a soft "ploop!". It's completely covered in ink, yet somehow the ink keeps dripping from it without pause. The bird fixes de Worde with a bright yellow eye and chirps*

I...thought we fixed this

[untitled88724]

Whilst I do not believe this goes to the realm of full criminality as the previous asker apparently does, I do believe that Ms. Paledew's aggressive tactics are...speaking to a hire bias. Perhaps towards pardoned criminals in general.

She's, if you'll pardon the vampire stereotype here, out for blood and doesn't appear to have a good reason to be.

Might be worth an editorial

@willdewordeofficial

Might be. Who am I, a villainess out for blood, to stop you? Please send me a copy once you're done. And to Mr. Zott. And to His Lordship, of course.

Eagerly awaiting your piece.

[willdewordeofficial]

I'm not calling you a villain, I am simply stating that you appear to be less than impartial in this case ms. Paledew.

-Will

[untitled88724]

Robberies charges dropped, then. She makes a small clap. Now we can move on to the rest of the course.

What?

Financial charges, Mr. Ticks. Counterfeits! Fraud, forgery, embezzlement, money laundering...

You're not seriously pushing this? After uncovering this Klutch business?

So everything that happened was Mr. Klutch's devious scheme? All of it? Don't you think that's excessive even for one moderately rich zombie?

He had agents! Have you been listening at all?

So, Mr. Klutch orchestrated the robberies to frame Mr. Lipwig, correct?

Yes, and...

And he hired Ms. Cross to steal the mail and destroy the Post Office, right?

Exactly!

Did he also make Mr. Lipwig flee with a suitcase full of stamps?

...Well... Mr. Lipwig was greatly distressed.

I see. I too, when work-stressed, spontaneously commit theft.

You do realize, Ms. Paledew, your credibility has suffered considerably after today's events?

A fair critique. To rectify this, all witnesses I call henceforth will be models of unimpeachable integrity. A perfectly... transparent approach. Mr. Ticks, surely you agree transparency serves justice? We've come this far, after all. And should I make a mistake again, wouldn't such total professional humiliation on my part only accelerate your client's reputational recovery? Perhaps the most efficient path available.

A trap?

A trap? Perish the thought.

Tru-uly? Suspiciously.

Naturally. We have unfinished business, Mr. Ticks. If your client is innocent, what exactly does he risk?

What do you think, Your Honor @your-lord-vetinari-official? And you, Captan Carrot, Sergeant Angua @ankh-morpork-watch-official?

[your-lord-vetinari-official]

We originally gathered to to prove the innocence of Mr Lipwig. We have proven, and correct me if I miss anything, he did not commit forgery, which is excellent, and he did not rob the bank of Big Cabbage, wonderful. If anything else remains, we are bound to investigate. For everyone's good. Mr Ticks, I understand your concerns and, rest assured, if I deem a witness unworthy, I will speak up. I hope I have made it clear how important it is that this trial is fair. If we are proceeding, I would like to remind everyone to remain civil and if at all possible, and I realise it may be a tall order, to maintain wise cracking, snark, and pithy remarks to a minimum. Thank you all for your cooperation so far in what is turning out to be rather a complex affair.

[ms-adora-belle-dearheart]

*smirks*

Does that include yourself, your Lordship?

[willdewordeofficial]

GOLD FOUND IN ARIDIA DESERTS

Aridia, long considered a worthless strip of land in the far west of the Disc that is inhabited by a small group of colonists and descendants of colonists from Ankh Morpork, has finally provided a reason for Ankh Morpork to take notice of it as the Dwarves, StrongintheArm and Glodson, have found what they describe as "The Motherlode" of gold in the area. CMOT Dibbler Naval Transport Services is now offering a bulk ticket price for people heading to this gold laden paradise to seek their fortune.

[naughtyandnicerpmemes]

Reblog if I'm allowed to send you in character asks even if we have never talked before.

[lea-mg]

Have you read the truth? It's my favourite discworld book and I think gets missed out a lot since it's not part of the more popular book groupings. I saw your witches today and they made me really happy!

Lmaoo thank you tho !! Have a fussy little otto for your troubles.

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

What if your ancestor killed a depraved pedophile of a king but because he was, technically, a king, it cast your entire family into disgrace and every single generation worked as a low-level beat policeman until you who are not good at being a policeman in the sense that you hate mystery and are terrible at getting information from people but on the other hand you are sometimes it seems the only person the city (who is a little bit alive and sentient) has on her side and because of that alone you are an excellent policeman and then you have to talk to posh people because your wife makes you and that's worse than anyone trying to kill you. Happened to my dear friend Sam Vimes.

[untitled88724]

*Will sighs* Let's see um...I was leaving the office for the night, and Carcer, in one of my less fine moments, jumped me and smashed a wooden plank across my face, I woke up with a dislocated Jaw and my arms in restraints above my head, and...several very fuzzily remembered days of pain and pitch blackness later we were rescued. Honestly milord I think he only took me because I decided to taunt the fellow when he sent questions through the hotline -@willdewordeofficial

There's flicker of hesitance on his face. Prosecution quietly chuckles.

Mr. de Worde, thank you for this account of the events that I'm sure were quite traumatic for you... I need to clarify a couple of things, though. Mr. Lipwig here claims you saw him in the sewers during your confinement. Is that accurate?

[willdewordeofficial]

I believe I did? Again my memory of these events are very foggy, but there were definitely 2 people down there with me other than Carcer

[untitled88724]

You say “definitely” even though you state your memory is “foggy”. Did you recognize their voices, perhaps? Or, more specifically, screams, as was the case for Mr. Drumknott?

In a bored voice. Leading, again. Mr. Ticks, do stop embarassing yourself.

Alright. Gods. Try to remember, Mr. de Worde, why are you so confident about two people being there with you?

[willdewordeofficial]

Well one was...significantly shinier than the other. I...can't say for certain because, again, I was being tortured and don't remember everything, but I believe one was wearing a gold-ish suit that got significantly more red over time

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

*Moist is on his feet and hooting*

That's right! It was! Thank you William!

And glad to see you're doing better, old sport. Sacharissa wouldn't have forgiven me if you'd died.

[willdewordeofficial]

Oh it takes more than that to kill me. But um, I think it would be in your best interest to remain a bit more self-restrained in the courtroom? Too many outbursts, good or bad, could paint the jury or judge against you if you get on their nerves.

[untitled88724]

A timely appeal to the common sense. Not sure he'll listen. @moist-von-lipwig-official, would you sit and be quiet? Ahem. Thank you for your answers, Mr. de Worde, you may... What?

Eyes the prosecutor suspiciously.

Ms. Paledew, I don't think I appreciate the look on your face... You'd like to cross-examine the witnesses, I imagine?

I like that at least your imagination is working, Mr. Ticks. @willdewordeofficial, please stay in the box. I have only one question for you, to formally confirm something you have mentioned.

You said: “pain”, “tortured”, “total blackness”, “wooden plank across the face”, “dislocated jaw”, “foggy memory”. Would it be correct to assume that the injuries you sustained and the torture that worsened them left you unable to clearly discern what was happening around you? Yes or no would suffice.

[willdewordeofficial]

"...You only heard every fifth word or so prosecutor?" Will almost seems to taunt Ms. Paledew "I'm more used to people paying attention to what I say. But yes I have gaps in the memories from that time."

[untitled88724]

*Will sighs* Let's see um...I was leaving the office for the night, and Carcer, in one of my less fine moments, jumped me and smashed a wooden plank across my face, I woke up with a dislocated Jaw and my arms in restraints above my head, and...several very fuzzily remembered days of pain and pitch blackness later we were rescued. Honestly milord I think he only took me because I decided to taunt the fellow when he sent questions through the hotline -@willdewordeofficial

There's flicker of hesitance on his face. Prosecution quietly chuckles.

Mr. de Worde, thank you for this account of the events that I'm sure were quite traumatic for you... I need to clarify a couple of things, though. Mr. Lipwig here claims you saw him in the sewers during your confinement. Is that accurate?

[willdewordeofficial]

I believe I did? Again my memory of these events are very foggy, but there were definitely 2 people down there with me other than Carcer

[untitled88724]

You say “definitely” even though you state your memory is “foggy”. Did you recognize their voices, perhaps? Or, more specifically, screams, as was the case for Mr. Drumknott?

In a bored voice. Leading, again. Mr. Ticks, do stop embarassing yourself.

Alright. Gods. Try to remember, Mr. de Worde, why are you so confident about two people being there with you?

[willdewordeofficial]

Well one was...significantly shinier than the other. I...can't say for certain because, again, I was being tortured and don't remember everything, but I believe one was wearing a gold-ish suit that got significantly more red over time

[moist-von-lipwig-official]

*Moist is on his feet and hooting*

That's right! It was! Thank you William!

And glad to see you're doing better, old sport. Sacharissa wouldn't have forgiven me if you'd died.

[willdewordeofficial]

Oh it takes more than that to kill me. But um, I think it would be in your best interest to remain a bit more self-restrained in the courtroom? Too many outbursts, good or bad, could paint the jury or judge against you if you get on their nerves.