𝓫𝓻𝓸𝓴𝒆𝓷 𝓬𝓻𝓸𝔀𝓷

cassius wilkes. thirty one. dada professor. slytherin alumni. pureblood.

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

The only thing James realised throughout this entire encounter was that he wasn’t scared anymore. He knew already that he was no longer scared of Cassius but all potential fear that he still had festering underneath his suppressed emotions had completely faded away and had been replaced with some sort of feverish excitement. Every second, James could feel the CONTROL Cassius had over him – from the mark on his neck to the way he was now on the floor underneath the man. He wanted him to have control over him and to dominate his every move when they were together. He was so enamoured by Cassius that by this point he’d allow the man to do anything to him. So when his hands were around his neck, he didn’t even protest and simply laid back, the way Cassius obviously wanted him to. He could put his entire trust in Cassius now. 

“I like telling you what to do. But I also like YOU telling ME what to do. I want you to control me.” He whined a little, his head tilting back to expose his neck and back arching ever so slightly as the noise left his lips. “I would happily be murdered by you if this is how you do it.” THAT was probably the most fucked up thing that had ever left his lips but he was strangely turned on. Was it just the drugs in his system making him feel this way? His cheeks were now pink with excitement as he stared at Cassius with darker eyes now. He should have been running but now he was yearning for more. Whatever the man was doing to him, he didn’t want him to stop. With his hands in his hair, his body on top of him and his lips on his mouth, James felt as though he was in heaven.

“You’ve kind of made me want to see you out on the field now,” James whispered to him, fingers pulling at his shirt to move the man closer to him – even though it was fairly impossible to be in a closer proximity with him ON TOP of him. “I’ll answer your question another day but I’m beginning to understand now. Maybe I’ll never understand fully… but…” His hands moved to Cassius’ forehead before sliding back through his soft hair. “I’m slowly beginning to understand what’s in your head, I think. And I like it.”

     how  had  they  become  this  ?  that  was  all  cassius  could  ask  as  james  openly  admitted  to  wanting  to  be  controlled.  things  could  have  turned  out  so  differently  if  james  had  decided  that  cassius  wasn’t  who  he  wanted  to  be  with.  they  could  still  be  fighting,  still  be  trying  to  see  who  was  going  to  break  who  first.  but  here  they  were,  &  cassius’  breath  was  turning  short  because  he’d  created  the  partner  he’d  always  wanted.  he  didn’t  care  if  it  was  a  man  or  a  woman  or  anything  else,  but  he  did  care  that  he  had  one.  someone  who  would  cater  to  his  whims,  someone  who  saw  him  as  a  god.  he’d  reached  that  point  &  he  saw  that  he  was  beginning  to  win,  the  next  step  in  his  plan  could  now  come  to  fruition  though  it  had  nothing  to  do  with  james.

       ❛  well  while  i’ve  made  you  want  to  see  me  in  action,  you’ve  made  me  want  to  see  you  naked  &  begging  for  all  sorts  of  things.  i  never  thought  i’d  find  someone  who  understood  the  way  you  do,  ❜  he  was  turned  on  now  beyond  control.  not  that  it  was  james’  fault,  but  it  certainly  was.  his  lips  pressed  against  his  again,  whatever  connection  they  had  was  intense  &  burned  faster  than  paper  to  flame.  cassius  could  admit  this  even  if  james  couldn’t.

           then  he  pulled  his  lips  away,  breathing  heavy.  ❛  fuck  you  for  getting  me  this  high,  i  feel  like  i’m  going  to  lose  control  if  you  let  me.  ❜  

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

Could he really avoid this question? He was good at dodging and ducking around things he didn’t want to deal with but he felt as thought Cassius would keep prodding him until he gave a real answer to his questions. Honestly, he wasn’t entirely sure how far he would go for the man. Evidently, he would hurt people he loved considering he hut ALEX of all people for Cassius. And this was only the beginning. As James got in deeper and deeper and became more corrupt, he knew he would be able to do worse things. But kill a person? Could he ever do that, even for Cassius?

“I don’t know if I could kill a person. That’s the truth. But I think I need to find a vice that’s not a substance before all this shit kills me first.” James knew he could easily become an addict. He got fixated on things and had a lack of self-control and over-indulged in EVERYTHING. Right now his fixation was on Cassius but who knew when it could flip and change. Hopefully never because he wanted Cassius to be his fixation forever. He would never get bored of him and he hoped Cassius would never get bored of him. But he knew that would only happen if James remained a good boy and did more and more for him. Was this question his way of telling him that one day James would have to kill to prove his worth?

James frowned because Cassius KNEW what the answer was going to be. As soon as he acted as though he was about to conceal some information, James needed to hear it and needed to know. He was tired of lies and secrets even if he was the King of Liars himself. Lies just came easily to him now and someone he didn’t even realise what he was saying until the words fell out of his lips. “Of course I want to fucking know. TELL ME. How does it really feel? And what shit have you done? I’m not going to run this time. I’m not moving.” He had an odd sense of deja vu now as this was where they were the first time Cassius told him the shit he’d done. But this time James wasn’t scared. He was intrigued and in an odd way, ready to be inspired and learn.  

          cassius  WISHED  he  could  read  his  mind,  wished  he  could  understand  how  james  was  feeling,  not  just  what  he  was  showing.  but  that  was  something  he’d  not  yet  tried  to  learn,  not  attempted  to  master  even  though  he  assumed  most  great  wizards  could.  instead  he  worked  hard  on  understanding  what  james  was  telling  him  &  what  it  really  meant.  for  instance,  when  james  exclaimed  that  he  wanted  to  know  everything  about  cassius  he  had  to  pick  apart  that  statement  to  see  if  it  was  the  TRUTH.  but  from  what  he  could  tell  it  was.  there  was  no  time  for  them  to  second  guess  the  words  they  said  anymore.  so  his  lips  flipped  into  a  grin,  because  he  liked  talking  about  the  things  he  couldn’t  talk  about  with  anyone  else.

             ❛  you  know  .  .  .  you’re  the  only  person  i  LIKE  telling  me  what  to  do, ❜  he  murmured  as  his  fingers  moved  up  to  slide  into  james’  hair.  the  trick  was  to  make  this  as  sensual  an  explanation  of  MURDER  which  wouldn’t  be  too  difficult.  he  pulled  his  head  backwards,  lips  digging  against  his  throat  as  a  soft  groan  left  them.  did  james  really  think  he  could  get  away  from  this  without  a  mark  of  his  own  ?  soon  enough  cassius  pulled  back  &  sat  up  straighter,  eyes  connecting  with  the  ones  in  front  of  him.  ❛  a  person  who  you’re  about  to  kill  is  the  only  person  who  you  can  tell  your  darkest  secrets  to.  you  can  tell  them  everything  you’re  feeling  &  they  won’t  be  able  to  stop  you.  ❜  

            slowly,  he  slid  his  hand  out  of  james’  hair  then  wrapped  that  same  around  his  throat  before  he  could  do  anything  to  stop  him.  his  hand  tightened  but  he  kept  his  gaze  on  james.  ❛  i  like  to  think  it’s  exciting  for  the  victim  too.  will  they  live  ?  will  they  die  ?  they  slip  into  this  state  of  being  where  they’ll  do  anything  just  to  keep  their  life  in  tact  even  if  it’s  worthless.  sometimes  you  have  to  torture  them  until  they’ll  tell  you  the  things  you  want  to  hear,  other  times  the  mere  threat  of  death  will  loosen  people’s  tongues.  ❜  although  it  was  a  hard  motion  to  follow  through  on,  cassius  moved  in  such  a  way  that  he  could  easily  slam  james  onto  the  ground  below  them.  he  grinned  down  at  him,  insanity  playing  at  the  edges  of  his  smile  as  his  hand  bore  down  on  his  throat,  other  hand  petting  through  his  hair.  ❛  the  most  intimate  part  is  when  you  have  them  on  the  ground  like  this,  one  hand  on  your  wand,  the  other  on  their  throat.  because  as  soon  as  you  say  the  words  you  can  feel  the  life  drain  right  from  their  pulse.  then  you  know  you’ve  won,  &  winning  is  always  the  best  feeling  in  the  world. ❜  

              he  let  go  of  james’  throat  before  he  crashed  his  lips  down  against  his.  he  enjoyed  being  this  close  to  him,  feeling  the  heat  from  his  body.  he  even  enjoyed  being  outside  on  the  ground  with  him  pinned  under  him  &  he  craved  this  feeling  of  euphoria.  as  he  broke  the  kiss  he  kept  his  face  close  to  his,  ❛  if  you  ever  decide  you  want  to  we’ll  do  it  together.  it’s  been  ages  since  i’ve  been  able  to  get  my  hands  dirty. ❜

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

Those words sent chills down his spine and his lips parted as he allowed their noses to bump together softly, their lips close but not quite touching as he smiled. The moment was SO intimate – more than anything ever had been between the two of them before. It was as though literal sparks were appearing between the two of them with every touch and every look. It was easy for him to romanticise the possessive words when he was this infatuated. He didn’t notice that James had basically SOLD himself to Cassius and was in his captivity. All he could see was a man he loved and would lay down his entire life for. James was a whirlwind of a movie but when the curtains closed and it ended, he’d only fall and come crashing down to the ground.

A snap decision was made and James scooted himself onto Cassius’ lap, deciding that this was obviously the best way to keep themselves warm – and the best angle for him to snog him. All he wanted to do when he was under the influence was intimacy, which was how he had ended up sleeping with so many men. He wasn’t even ashamed that he became even more of a hoe when he was like this. “I’m such a slutty drunk,” James giggled, as though he were a school girl. Fingers touched warm skin and traced his cheeks until they pushing Cassius’ head back so he could kiss his neck, contemplating leaving his mark there to claim the man as his own. James needed the entire world to know that Cassius was TAKEN even if he couldn’t shout it out to the world that it was by him. 

Pulling back, he smiled, satisfied with his work and touched the fresh mark as he stared at him. “Not anymore. You can’t scare me anymore. You’ve shown me too much of yourself and I’ve realised I’m just like you. I can do the things you’ve done. ANYTHING.” Now a switch had flipped inside of James, he realised that he probably COULD do anything the man asked. He had nothing to lose. If he did say no, he would risk losing the people he was protecting so he knew he had no choice. “Would you ask me to kill for you?” he asked softly as he leaned closer again, close enough so Cassius would be able to feel his breath on his cheeks.

      as  soon  as  james  was  on  his  lap  he  knew  how  this  conversation  was  going  to  end.  they  were  going  to  wake  up  in  cassius’  bed  tangled  in  his  bed  sheets,  a  layer  of  sweat  between  them.  that  was  just  how  this  ended  now  &  although  he  was  older  he  couldn’t  say  he  regretted  his  decisions  to  wake  up  with  james  beside  him.  gaze  stayed  on  james,  breathing  turning  short  as  his  head  tipped  back  &  lips  were  pressed  against  his  neck.  cassius  didn’t  like  being  OWNED,  he  couldn’t  get  behind  the  idea  of  someone  being  above  him,  however  he  liked  the  feeling  of  james’  lips  sucking  at  his  neck  &  leaving  a  mark  behind.  in  the  morning  he’d  have  a  dark  purple  bruise,  showcasing  that  he’d  slept  with  someone.  the  only  question  everyone  would  have  was  WHO.  &  part  of  him  wanted  to  not  hide  it  just  so  people  would  talk  about  him.  

         but  then  came  into  question  james’  loyalty,  a  very  serious  matter  that  couldn’t  be  brushed  over  with  kisses  &  sex.  ❛  i  would.  but  not  just  for  me,  for  you  as  well.  you  think  you  can  do  all  of  the  things  i’ve  done  ?  you’ll  have  to  prove  it  to  me.  ❜  even  though  james  was  on  top  of  him,  cassius  knew  he  was  actually  the  one  who  was  always  in  control.  a  hand  ran  over  his  back  slowly  before  his  gaze  turned  upward,  nose  pressing  toward  james’.  ❛  i  can  tell  you  how  good  it  feels.  there’s  a  reason  people  do  it  &  it  isn’t  because  they’re  evil.  it’s  because  they  are  searching  for  a  feeling  that  can  get  them  higher  than  drugs  &  alcohol  &  sex  can.  ❜  

          though  cassius  wouldn’t  exactly  admit  to  it  he  liked  the  feeling  of  blood  between  his  fingers.  he  enjoyed  watching  as  he  took  the  lives  from  people  who  didn’t  deserve  to  have  them.  if  the  world  didn’t  have  rules,  everyone  would  be  killing  each  other  because  of  the  adrenaline  high  that  it  gave.  just  thinking  about  it  turned  him  on,  not  that  it  helped  that  he  was  high  with  a  pretty  boy  in  his  lap.  he’d  lied  to  james  when  he  said  he  hadn’t  killed  many  people;  as  an  auror  he  had  to  inflict  fatal  injuries  multiple  times.  occasionally  during  investigations  he  had  to  torture  then  kill  people  just  to  get  them  to  let  go  of  secrets.  he’d  been  GOOD  at  it,  because  he  knew  how  to  make  people  talk.  but  he  wasn’t  sure  james  was  ready  to  hear  about  all  of  the  ‘awful’  things  he’d  done.  ❛   unless  you’d  rather  never  know.  ❜  &  as  he  said  this  it  was  another  task,  another  dare,  &  with  it  came  his  lips  planting  to  james’  long  &  hard.

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

It was that moment that he realised just how desperate he was for Cassius’ affection. He had pushed everyone away and hurt himself and those he loved just so he could be with the man. This infatuation he had with him was dangerous and harmful but he was in far too deep now and there was no going back. If Cassius rejected him now then he would be completely isolated and broken. The man next to him had the power to destroy his entire life and all it would take was a few words. Looking down at their intertwined fingers, he lifted them up so he could press a warm kiss onto to back of Cassius’ hand. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me as much as I love them. I want YOU to love me the way I love you. Don’t just say it because you feel you have to. Say it when you mean it.” He looked up at Cassius, green eyes boring into the other’s. “I just want to be YOURS.”

Finally, his serious expression slowly morphed into a smile again and he put a hand on his face, looking somewhat abashed. “You DO. You’re attractive enough anyway but watching you smoke just does things to me. The wandless magic is just some pretty cool shit. And definitely impresses me.” He leant up and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss, the faint taste of marijuana on his lips, and then took his joint and stuck it between his lips as he watched Cassius. “What happened to not chain-smoking, HUH?” he asked cheekily, elbow nudging into the older man.

Then suddenly, the biggest smile graced his lips and he realised that THIS was the happiest he had felt for the longest time. His heart flipped over and his smile turned dopier because he was fairly sure they had never had this conversation before. Had they ever had a real conversation about feelings? It had just been sex and revelations and rarely anything this soft. James decided that he liked Cassius when he was high and couldn’t wait until the effects of the second joint had kicked in. “I don’t think you ever have told me. Not like this anyway.” His eyes were practically heart shaped now as he stared at Cassius and he laughed for no other reason than PURE HAPPINESS. “I’m excited about our future. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m not scared anymore. We can do so many amazing things together.”

       love  was  something  cassius  had  yet  to  recognize  as  an  emotion  he  could  feel,  but  james  was  close  to  getting  him  to.  although  james  was  younger  than  him,  less  intelligent,  immature,  cassius  was  open  to  the  fact  that  he  cared  about  him.  &  if  care  eventually  grew  into  love  then  he  was  fine  with  that.  his  tongue  slid  over  his  lips  slowly  as  they  felt  they  went  dry,  ❛   you  are  MINE,  ❜ he  stated.  his  voice  reached  down  into  a  grovel  as  he  spoke  these  words.  at  the  end  of  the  day  that  was  what  james  was.  maybe  he  didn’t  see  the  shackles  that  cassius  had  placed  around  his  wrists  but  they  were  there.

          the  marijuana  was  now  properly  in  effect  &  he  could  tell  because  everything  he  was  feeling  felt  more  INTENSE.  whenever  james  kissed  the  back  of  his  hand  it  was  like  he  could  tell  each  nerve  was  feeling  it.  their  kisses  felt  more  passionate  even  if  the  were  soft,  &  time  had  begun  to  melt.  a  smile  on  james’  face  was  more  than  just  a  smile,  it  made  cassius’  heartbeat  quicken  &  his  own  face  contort  into  a  smile  as  well.  ❛  i'm  glad  you’re  not  scared  of  me,  of  us.  fuck  i  wanted  to  scream  whenever  you  were  afraid.  i  usually  would  like  that  feeling,  seeing  people  scared  of  me  might  turn  me  on,  but  not  you.  ‘cause  i  really  fucking  care  about  you.  ❜  this  was  when  he  was  being  himself,  when  he  stopped  being  proper  with  words  &  allowed  curse  words  to  flow  out  from  his  lips.  it  was  clear  he  was  relaxed  at  this  point,  glad  to  just  be  here  in  the  middle  of  the  woods  with  james  by  his  side.

             then  he  was  quiet  for  a  moment.  he  listened  to  the  crackle  of  the  logs  on  the  fire  &  to  the  soft  whir  of  the  cool  wind  around  them.  he’d  never  really  thought  of  how  much  he  enjoyed  the  winter,  but  he  thought  it  might  be  his  favourite  season.  &  while  he  thought  about  this  he  began  to  think  of  dark  things  that’d  happened  to  him  during  the  winter,  things  that  changed  him  into  the  person  he  now  was.  gaze  turned  back  to  james  as  he  asked  a  simple  question,  ❛  you  would  do  anything  for   me.  but  would  you  KILL  for  me  ?  to  gain  power  you  sometimes  have  to  draw  blood. ❜

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

James moved his head so he could look at Cassius, a small frown on his face. “You got mad at me every time I said I’m in love with Alex so now I don’t want to say it anymore. I broke up with him and now I don’t want to love him anymore so you SHOULD be happy. Please be happy with me. I’m doing EVERYTHING you’ve asked me to do.” There was a somewhat desperate plea in his tone because, despite everything, he just wanted to keep Cassius happy. Sure, most of the time he felt and acted as though the entire world revolved around himself but if he didn’t keep Cassius happy then all of this would have been for nothing. He was going to do everything Cassius told him to do and they were going to rule the world together and everything would be FINE. They would be happy. 

He nodded slowly and finally removed his hand from Cassius’ thigh and put it on his arm instead, rubbing it up and down as he looked at the man. “Yeah. I wanna learn how to get better. And I want to learn how to wandlessly light a fag because THAT was smooth as fuck.” He grinned and then kissed him back, realising that he could now kiss the man without feeling guilty. Nothing could stop them being together anymore. It didn’t even matter if people found out about the two of them because Cassius was powerful enough to stop anything bad from happening. Cassius was HIS and he belonged to Cassius and that was how it was going to be forevermore. The words I love you were on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t want to say them out loud – not now. It could wait.

The kiss ended but he didn’t want it to. He wanted to keep pressing kisses over Cassius’ entire body until he’d loved every inch of his skin the way he wanted to. He WAS the only drug he needed – however, Cassius was far more addictive and dangerous than anything he could ever take. “I can’t tell whether I want to fuck or smoke or talk either, babe. Can’t we do all three? I’ll sit on your dick while we smoke and talk.” He laughed and then moved back into Cassius’ side, deciding to lace their fingers together because he ALWAYS felt more content when they were holding hands. There was just something about the simple act that made him feel more settled and at ease with the other. “What did you want to talk about? Are you high enough to have a good conversation yet?”

      then  cassius  realised  the  gravity  of  their  situation.  he’d  not  really  commanded  james  to  break  up  with  alexander,  but  it  added  to  the  reason  he  allowed  james  close.  he  gazed  at  james  with  a  new  regard,  he’d  given  up  EVERYTHING  to  be  with  cassius,  &  now  it  was  cassius’  turn  to  give  up  a  few  things  to  be  with  him.  ❛  sometimes  i  know  i  can  be  childish.  it  hurt  me  to  know  you  wouldn’t  just  be  MINE  despite  how  hard  i  tried.  but  here  we  are  &  you’ve  given  up  so  much  for  me.  ❜ their  hands  were  laced  together  by  this  point  so  he  gently  squeezed  at  his  hand.  ❛  so  tell  me  what  you  WANT  from  me,  not  just  what  you  need.  ❜  because  cassius  realised  he  was  acting  so  kind  because  he  WAS  happy.  james  made  him  better.

       cassius  tossed  aside  the  end  of  the  blunt  that  he’d  be  smoking,  stepping  it  into  the  ground  before  gazing  at  james.  the  marijuana  had  helped  calm  him.  he  took  a  second  joint  from  their  pile  &  twisted  it  in  his  fingers  before  grinning  at  james.  ❛  you  know  that  i  know  you  find  it  hot  whenever  i’m  smoking  in  the  first  place,  i  learned  how  to  do  all  sorts  of  wandless magic  just  to  impress  people.  i’m  particularly  good  with  fire  magic  at  the  end  of  the  day.  all  you  have  to  do  is  feel  the  flame,  sort  of  imagine  it,  then  picture  it  where  you  want  it  to  be,  &  with  enough  practice  you’ll  be  able  to  just  get  your  cigarettes  or  whatever  else  to  light.  ❜ he  snapped  his  fingers  as  he  lit  the  joint,  but  as  he  pulled  the  smoke  through  &  blew  it  out  he  offered  the  second  drag  of  it  to  james.  he  liked  sharing  joints  more  than  having  them  to  himself.

         then  he  laughed,  maybe  the  first  good  laugh  he’d  laughed  in  a  while.  ❛  i  think  maybe  one  more  &  i’ll  be  high  enough  to  have  all  sorts  of  good  conversations.  ❜  he  knew  what  they  needed  to  talk  about  .  .  .  where  did  they  go  from  here  ?  but  he  knew  what  he  wanted  to  talk  about.  ❛  i  wanted  to  talk  about  how  much  i  fucking  adore  you.  have  i  ever  told  you  that  before  ?  you’re  absolutely  stunning.  i’ve  never  met  someone  with  so  much  potential,  or  someone  so  devoted.  i’m  LUCKY  to  have  you  by  my  side  &  i’m  more  than  happy.  everything  that  you’ve  done  .  .  .  we’re  going  to  change  the  fucking  world  &  no  one  knows  it.  ❜

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

As his head was kissed, his smiled turned softer but more genuine as he responded by pressing a small kiss to his jawline. He wasn’t really sure what version of Cassius he would get today but he wasn’t expecting THIS version. In all honesty, he was half-expecting him to be angry for falling back on substances again when things had gone shitty. Sure, the man sat next to him had actually introduced him to something he was admittedly addicted to but that was irrelevant. Ignoring what he said, he breathed in the familiar scent of weed as he watched Cassius wandlessly light the joint, green eyes curiously staring as he remembered how attractive the man looked when he smoked. “I figured,” he finally said in a slow and careful voice as it became more of a challenge to put together a coherent sentence as the alcohol was catching up to him. “That if I drank loads, then I wouldn’t need to wear a jacket. Because alcohol makes me warm and jackets are annoying.”

His grin faltered a little because YES, he had loved Alex but he was trying too hard to act as though he was already over him around Cassius. Cassius didn’t like that he was in love with Alexander so why was he talking about it now? Was this a trick? To give his sluggish brain time to think, he slowly placed a joint between his lips and lit it with his wand, wishing he could do it as smoothly as Cassius did but he knew it would happen all in good time. “That wise boy was referring to people like you who act as though they have no emotions. Not people like me who have TOO MANY.” Breathing out the smoke, he glanced at Cassius with slightly dilated eyes and then moved his spare hand onto his knee as their legs pressed together. 

“I hurt him. Physically. I don’t know how badly, but…” He trailed off, unsure of what else to say. “I lost my temper and just exploded again. Like I did with you. At least it got rid of him.” James sniffed but he hoped that Cassius would just assume it was because of the cold weather. His ears perked up at his other words though and he actually looked a little mischievous again. “Are you saying that you’ll smuggle me in drugs? If you can get something stronger than this then we’ll be having a whale of a time and won’t need to take over the fucking world.” He laughed and then allowed his hand to drift further up his leg, tentatively moving closer and closer to his inner thigh. It wasn’t as though he wanted sex out here but he was happy to initiate something, especially as alcohol and weed ALWAYS got him in the mood. Maybe they needed to talk but James was always better at talking with his hands even though his mouth never stopped.

      but  he  knew  james  was  lying  to  him.  he  didn’t  drink  because  of  the  cold,  he  drank  because  he  wanted  to  feel  numb.  cassius  supposed  that  people  like  james  had  to  turn  off  their  emotions  once  in  a  while,  but  what  james  didn’t  know  was  cassius  had  too  many  as  well.  constantly  he  was  fighting  between  emotions,  searching  for  his  feelings  &  attempting  to  not  be  upset  whenever  his  emotions  didn’t  play  into  his  favour.  but  he  didn’t  respond  to  james’  statement  either,  instead  just  gave  him  a  soft  sad  smile.  ❛  you  need  to  stop  being  so  afraid  of  what  i’m  going  to  think  about  what  happened,  you  know  ?  how  are  you  going  to  have  any  confidence  in  yourself  if  you  can’t  even  have  confidence  in  the  things  you  tell  me  ?  ❜  

         their  knees  were  pressed  together,  his  arm  was  still  steadily  wrapped  around  james.  he  was  proud  of  him,  for  using  his  anger  through  magic,  but  knew  that  james  was  terrified  of  the  magic  that  shot  out  of  his  wand.  ❛  in  time  i’ll  show  you  not  to  be  as  volatile  when  it  comes  to  your  emotions  &  magic,  but  for  now  i’m  proud  of  you.  it  takes  strength  to  be  able  to  do  what  you  did,  it  shows  you’re  growing  as  a  person  &  a  wizard.  ❜ but  he  realised  james  didn’t  want  to  talk.  even  if  they  NEEDED  to,  he  still  wanted  something  else,  &  for  now  cassius  was  in  a  good  enough  mood  to  give  it  to  him.

           ❛  who  needs  drugs  like  those  when  we  have  each  other,  babe  ?  ❜ it  wasn’t  that  he  was  disgusted  with  the  idea  but  rather  that  he  needed  james  to  start  relying  more  heavily  on  him  instead  of  on  substances.  his  hand  moved  from  his  back  &  up  toward  his  cheek.  he  didn’t  want  sex,  not  really,  not  now.  instead  he  was  going  to  give  james  a  taste  of  what  could  happen  later.  though  he  was  apathetic  toward  their  situation  he  still  showed  a  bit  of  eagerness  as  he  pressed  his  lips  to  james’.  the  kiss  was  something  to  prove  that  he  was  giving  james  what  he  wanted  while  also  still  maintaining  control  of  their  situation.  he  could  taste  the  cigarettes  &  the  alcohol  upon  james’  lips  &  as  he  pulled  away  he  gave  him  a  gaze  that  was  more  or  less  sympathetic.  

          he  raised  his  head  away  &  gazed  off  into  the  forest,  hand  coming  down  over  james’.  ❛  i  wish  you  didn’t  drink  so  much,  i  can’t  tell  if  you  want  to  fuck  or  if  you  want  to  smoke  &  talk  about  the  world  whenever  you’re  like  this.  ❜  but  cassius  was  halfway  through  his  own  joint  at  this  point  &  he  could  feel  that  fuzziness  of  the  mind  creeping  up  on  him.  he  wondered  what  it  would  be  like  to  be  drunk  right  now,  &  he  thought  maybe  it  wouldn’t  be  so  bad  to  follow  james’  example  just  for  a  night.

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

As James heard the sound of footsteps on the ground, crunching the icy, grey February snow still left on the ground from Christmas, he looked up. James wasn’t even wearing a jacket but he wasn’t cold. Between his cigarette and the alcohol levels in his body, he felt positively warm even though he knew that soon he’d be shivering violently but by then he’d have Cassius to warm him up. A cocky smiled reached his face as he looked at the man and he stubbed out his cigarette on the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees. He was back to being irritating, cheeky and obnoxious, the way he was last year before all this shit happened. He was TIRED of being an over-emotional wreck so he was now back to his default mood, as annoying as it was. If Cassius was good enough, then maybe he could break him out of it. It was another challenge between them that neither of them were aware of.

“BABE, are you hotboxing us in? You’re fucking good at this already.” He laughed but the sound stopped quickly once Cassius was beside him. He wasn’t sure whether he was more surprised that he’d prepared some joints or had chosen to put an arm around him so James silently moved his chin onto his shoulder and breathed in his familiar scent. He’d been with so many different boys that he had actually lost count and if he closed his eyes and kept his mind blank, then Cassius was just another number. Just another boy that he’d fucked and left behind. He took what he needed from people and dropped them when they were no longer any use to him. And Alex was just an extreme version of that. James had a different boy to play with, so he no longer needed Alexander, right?

“I’m impressed. For someone who claims to be inexperienced in the art of weed, you’ve done a good job.” James took the rolled joints from him and clutched them between his fingertips, deciding to give himself a few more minutes before he started on the next substance. It was evident that Cassius wanted him to speak about why he was in such a state, so he obeyed. He didn’t even need to be asked. “So, guess who’s single and ready to mingle like a pringle with Cassius-ingle?” Laughter burst out of his lips again at his stupid words and he grinned up at Cassius. “I’m all yours, baby. Just like you wanted.” The words were lighthearted and friendly but underneath there was a subtle bitter tone to them, as though he was challenging Cassius to point it out. 

          james  was  someone  cassius  was  still  figuring  out  &  it  pained  him  to  admit  it.  he  couldn’t  understand  how  one  day  he  could  be  talking  like  he  was  the  most  advanced  &  well  adapted  wizard  in  the  world  then  turn  into  whatever  was  currently  sitting  beside  him.  whatever  untapped  potential  he  held  he  always  seemed  to  throw  it  away  PURPOSEFULLY.  but  cassius  didn’t  mention  that  now,  not  while  he  could  feel  the  way  james  was  testing  &  challenging  him  with  their  situation.  as  james  laid  his  head  down  on  cassius’  shoulder  he  moved  to  kiss  the  top  of  his  head  softly.  though  cassius  was  a  man  of  great  passion,  he  knew  when  he  needed  to  be  calm  &  sensitive.  now  was  one  of  those  times.

       ❛  i  know  whatever  happened  was  hard  for  you,  ❜ cassius  began  as  he  looked  at  the  grin  that  fitted  falsely  upon  james’  features.  ❛  why  else  would  you  be  drinking  yourself  into  a  stupor  &  smoking  like  it’s  the  1970s  ?  ❜ since  james  didn’t  look  like  he  was  going  to  be  the  first  one  starting  their  adventures  in  the  art  of  reefer,  cassius  slipped  one  of  the  joints  between  his  fingers.  he’d  become  good  enough  at  wandless  magic  at  this  point  that  he  could  light  the  tip  of  anything  on  fire  with  not  even  the  flick  of  a  wrist.  he  settled  the  thing  between  his  lips  as  it  began  to  burn  &  inhaled  slowly.  he  exhaled,  watched  as  the  smoke  travelled  into  the  air.  

            ❛  you  loved  him  .  .  .  still  LOVE  him,  &  i  understand  that.  i  can’t  expect  you  to  just  stop  feeling  things  because  i’ve  told  you  to.  maybe  it  was  selfish  of  me,  to  beg  you  to  be  all  mine,  but  believe  me  when  i  say  it  means  a  great  deal  to  me  that  you’ve  let  me  in  this  much.  &  whatever  you  need,  whether  it  be  drugs  or  potions  or  even  alcohol,  i’ll  make  sure  you  have  it.  but  you  don’t  have  to  hide  how  you’re  feeling  just  because  you  think  it’s  going  to  make  you  seem  weak.  one  of  the  wisest  boys  i  know  told  me  once  that  it  feels  nice  to  cry  sometimes,   ❜ but  cassius  was  well  aware  that  james  had  already  been  crying.  for  how  long  he  wasn’t  sure  but  no  amount  of  drugs  or  alcohol  could  hide  the  stains  of  tears  on  his  cheeks.  cassius  offered  him  a  small  smile  before  taking  another  long  drag  from  the  joint  he’d  lit.  he  wanted  to  be  what  james  needed,  &  he’d  work  to  figure  out  what  that  meant.

[willkes]

jamiepottcr:

James gasped as he regarded the answer he got from the man. “NEVER? How could you reach the ripe age of thirty-one and have NEVER been high? You’re missing out on important milestones in life and I’m here to help you achieve that.” It was as though he’d done a full circle and had gone back to his ridiculous dramatic-self – yet this time he seemed more manic and exaggerated than usual. A cocky cover up for his insecurities was now an insane cover up for how broken and lost he felt inside. Cassius wasn’t smiling but that could mean anything with him. Maybe he was tired of having to deal with a boy who always had some drama happening in his life but Cassius was all he had left now and he couldn’t let him leave him. James actually NEEDED him. 

“Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Can’t stink out your office, can we? Everyone will guess all the bad things we do if your place stinks of Mary Jane.” He laughed even though he had no idea what he was laughing at but he supposed it was now the insane consumption of alcohol beginning to catch up with him. At this rate, he’d probably be vomiting it back up again by the time he reached their secret spot. “Of course, I want to. I was looking for you but you found me first. You always find me first. How do you do that?” His eyebrows knitted together but he got the inkling that he needed to leave first because they were beginning to spend so much time together it was probably suspicious to anyone who paid attention. ALEX used to pay attention. 

Before his heart could crack open and bleed again, he turned and wrapped his arms around his body and walked off without saying another word. They had plenty of time to talk together. He was glad that he hadn’t bumped into any other professors because he wasn’t ready for someone like McGonagall or Longbottom to inform his parents why he was drunk as fuck on a Tuesday afternoon. At least Cassius would be proud of what he had done even though the aftermath was messy. HE would be happy he’d left and attacked Alex even if it was tearing James apart. But he didn’t want to be broken anymore. He wanted to be strong like Cassius so as he sat there on a log and waited for Cassius to catch up with him, James lit himself a cigarette and tried to flatten his hair as an attempt to look saner again.

      whatever  james  was  drunk  on  was  really  starting  to  effect  him  &  cassius  could  tell.  but  he  wound  up  giving  the  boy  the  slightest  of  smiles.  somehow,  even  though  james  could  make  him  the  ANGRIEST  man  in  the  world,  he  could  also  make  him  smile  as  soon  as  he  said  something  endearing  at  all.  ❛  well  i’m  glad  i  have  you  as  a  mentor  on  the  finer  things  in  life  then.  ❜  he  was  playing  with  james’  words,  following  the  punches  because  it  was  the  only  way  he  could  keep  in  james’  good  graces.  cassius  didn’t  know  how  he  always  found  james,  half  the  time  there  were  lucky  guesses,  the  other  half  it  was  like  they  were  pulled  together  by  some  force  of  nature.  but  cassius’  lips  upturned  into  a  coy  smile.  ❛  didn’t  you  know  i  have  a  crystal  ball  that  warns  me  whenever  you  NEED  me  ?  ❜ but  then  james  was  gone,  heading  off  just  like  cassius  had  said  to.

       it  took  him  a  good  while  to  meet  up  with  james,  mainly  because  he  had  to  go  back  to  his  office.  he  put  on  his  trenchcoat  then  remembered  the  bag  full  of  marijuana  in  his  pocket.  he  pulled  it  out  &  gazed  at  it  before  he  began  to  break  it  into  pieces  on  his  desk.  even  though  he  genuinely  hadn’t  smoked  the  stuff  since  his  days  at  school  but  he  still  remembered  how  to  roll  it.  if  anything,  JAMES  would  be  happy.  he  settled  the  joints  in  his  pocket  before  putting  gloves  on  &  heading  out  toward  the  forest.

         he  smelled  james  before  he  got  to  the  spot,  the  cigarette’s  fumes  drifting  through  the  air.  yet  another  poison  he  was  pumping  into  his  body.  before  he  spoke  at  all  he  put  a  proper  protection  spell  on  the  area  around  them,  that  way  they  wouldn’t  be  interrupted.  then  he  lit  the  fire  for  them  before  settling  beside  james  on  the  log.  he  stayed  silent  at  first,  he  honestly  didn’t  want  to  ask  james  what  was  wrong  but  knew  he  had  to.  not  that  it’d  be  a  chore  to  find  out,  but  rather  that  he  wasn’t  sure  he’d  like  the  answer.  so  he  reached  into  his  pocket  &  pulled  out  the  joints  he’d  rolled,  offering  them  in  his  gloved  palm  to  james.  ❛  don’t  chain  smoke  them  or  anything,  but  hopefully  they’re  good  enough  for  you. ❜  then,  without  asking  permission  or  anything  like  that,  cassius  wrapped  an  arm  around  james  slowly.  he  assumed  he’d  tell  him  what  was  the  matter  when  he  was  READY  to.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

After Alex had left the room. James had spent the last hour sitting on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. He had no idea how his life had become such a mess – even though deep down he knew it all boiled down to the sequence of shitty life choices he’d made since September – and now things had taken a turning point and he’d snapped. And this time no one was here to hold him while he cried, so he held himself as he sobbed and screamed until he couldn’t breathe anymore. Leaving and hurting Alex had been his breaking point and now he just wanted to stop feeling anything anymore.

So he reached for the only thing he knew how to – alcohol and drugs. Conviniently there was still firewhisky from the last time he was here so he began to down the liquid until his throat screamed at him to stop. He knew he needed to stop drinking execcessively, especially when he couldn’t handle all the things happening in his life but he didn’t care right now. Half of the bottle was gone within minutes and he knew it wouldn’t take very long for the effects to hit him, HARD. Lying back on the floor, he lit a blunt and closed his eyes as he smoked it, allowing the final few tears to trickle down his cheeks. His life was a messy web of lies and broken promises and it all came down to one person. CASSIUS WILKES.

Suddenly sitting back up, he knew what he had to do. He needed to see the man and tell him that he now owned James. Because he did. Everything he did was for Cassius now. He was definitely a bit drunk and a little bit high as he left the room, although these days he was fairly sure that he was ALWAYS a little bit drunk and a little bit high. As he stepped along the corridors, his fingers absently ran along the walls as he hummed to himself and ignore the snide comments from the portraits his fingers brushed over. But surprisingly he bumped into the one person he was looking for. He was always THERE. “Professor Wilkes.” His voice was surprisingly sober sounding considering how under the influence he currently was.

Despite his cheeks still being stained with tears and his eyes bright red and glassy from the combination of drugs, alcohol and crying, he grinned at the man before him, the smile moreinsane looking rather than mischievious like it usually was. Stepping forward, his hand slipped into his pocket to clasp the bag of weed in his hand and then his finger slowly trailed down Cassius’ arm until reached his hand, clasping their hands together and interlocking their fingers for a brief moment as he passed the drugs onto him and then pulled away. “You’re my favourite professor and you do SO much for me, so I’m here to return the favour. Have you ever been high, prof?”

@willkes

      there  was  something  wrong,  &  cassius  was  not  new  to  something  being  wrong  when  it  came  to  james.  however,  this  was  a  different  sort  of  wrong,  because  he  could  tell  that  james  looked  mildly  insane  &  like  he’d  just  done  something  he  regretted.  while  cassius  couldn’t  be  around  james  constantly  to  watch  the  decisions  he  made  he  wished  that  he  could.  because  the  boy  was  known  to  make  terrible  ones  when  not  guided  correctly.   at  least  he’d  been  lucky  enough  to  be  in  the  corridor  because  as  much  as  it  seemed  like  he  didn’t  he  still  had  a  JOB  to  do.  lucky  for  james  he’d  run  into  him  instead  of  another  professor  like  longbottom  or  mcgonagall  because  they’d  probably  send  him  straight  to  detention  at  the  first  chance  they  got.

          lips  pressed  into  a  small  line  as  he  regarded  james,  then  he  gazed  down  at  the  bag  that’d  been  settled  in  his  palm.  of  course  he’d  SEEN  the  substance  before,  but  whether  he’d  used  it  or  not;  well  that  was  up  to  the  imagination  of  others  because  he’d  never  admit  to  it  if  he  had.  ❛  here  to  return  the  favour  by  already  being  high  yourself  i  see. ❜ but  nevertheless  he  slipped  the  bag  into  his  pocket,  because  he  knew  damn  well  even  if  he  hadn’t  ever  been  high  before  he  was  going  to  be  tonight  right  next  to  james.  ❛  i've  not  been  high  before,  no.  i  never  had  the  time  to  try  it  out,  but  maybe  the  woods  would  be  a  good  place  to  test  it  out.  ❜  as  much  as  he  was  wanting  to  stay  in  the  warmth  he  KNEW  that  james  probably  didn’t  want  to  be  held  in  his  small  office  &  his  small  room.  the  next  best  place  was  their  new  spot  &  with  enough  spells  cassius  could  help  make  it  more  of  a  place  of  protection  &  secrecy.

           ❛  we’ll  talk  more  there,  that  is  if  you  WANT  to.  ❜  as  much  as  cassius  wanted  to  be  more  open  with  james,  he  had  to  do  so  in  secrecy.  in  the  hallway  where  the  WALLS  talked  wasn’t  exactly  a  good  place.  &  if  something  awful  had  happened  he  wanted  to  protect  james  from  it  but  needed  a  secluded  place  to  do  so.  he  only  hoped  james  would  take  the  hint  &  head  on  without  him.  they  couldn’t  be  seen  together  as  much  as  they  had  been  as  of  late,  but  it  didn’t  mean  they  couldn’t  BE  together  just  as  often.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

How did things between them move so suddenly from firey anger to soft sweetness? James didn’t understand. It was almost as though the confessions hadn’t even happened and they’d just been cuddling in the forest the entire time like James had originally planned to. Arms went around the other’s body and he actually ran his fingers through his hair. It was odd being the one who did the comforting because normally it was the other way around – which made him realise that he really WAS as self-centred as people said he was. He couldn’t help it though – his emotions were usually all over the place and he liked people like Cassius to make everything better with a hug. But now it was his turn, so his arms wrapped tightly around him and he pressed his lips to the top of his head in a long kiss. Until now, he hadn’t even realised that they were the same height as Cassius always seemed so much taller than him but the other could happily fit his head into the crook of his neck. 

“Babe. When I love someone, I give my entire world to them.” And it was true. James did absolutely anything for those family members and friends he cared deeply about and he loved them all unconditionally – so why shouldn’t Cassius be treated the same. It had seemed dangerous to let him know how he really felt at the time but now it was an unimportant fact compared to everything else. His feelings were just what they were and it was now a simple fact. The grass was green, the sky was blue and James Potter was in love with Cassius Wilkes. “I guess I’m likeable because I spent a good majority of my time learning how to be likeable before it became second nature? Also so I could shamelessly flirt with you until I got what I wanted.” A soft laugh left his lips and he grinned as Cassius raised his head before a soft kiss was pressed to his lips.

“As long as it doesn’t involve hurting anyone I love, I’ll do anything you want me to do.” He knitted his eyebrows together as he looked sincerely at Cassius, NEEDING the man to know that he would do anything for him. There was a need for him to please people, especially people he loved so he’d often find himself sometimes doing the most ridiculous things for his family and friends just because it was a promise he made to himself. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing weakness. Everyone needs to, even if it’s just for one person. I’m happy to be that person.” He was smiling now after all his anger and fear had faded anyway. Sure, things weren’t perfect but they were looking up now. He DIDN’T want to sit around moping about things which couldn’t be changed and instead, he wanted to be proactive and go out there and make the changes himself. That was what Cassius wanted, right? “I always have a lot to cry about. I regularly cry when I see baby kittens. I might even cry just because you’re so pretty.”

      while  cassius  wasn’t  sure  if  it  was  possible  to  like  james  any  more  than  he  did,  the  comfort  he  received  from  him  changed  his  mind.  every  day,  he  found  something  new  to  like  about  james,  &  every  day  he  found  something  new  to  hate.  they  were  kissing  &  talking  like  nothing  had  happened,  like  they  had  always  been  able  to  be  together  in  this  way,  &  cassius  hoped  one  day  it  would  always  be  like  this.  which  was  a  strange  hope,  because  he’d  always  seen  himself  alone  sitting  on  his  throne,  not  with  someone  beside  him.  lips  slowly  moved  into  a  smile  as  he  gazed  at  james,  searching  for  the  meaning  of  whatever  this  was  in  those  big  green  eyes.  

          ❛  i  think  you  got  what  you  wanted,  &  i  got  what  i  wanted.  because  even  though  you’ve  not  directly  said  it  i  get  to  be  the  person  who  gets  to  say  that  james  potter  is  in  love  with  ME.  so  if  the  students  of  hogwarts  weren’t  jealous  before,  i’d  say  they’re  jealous  now.  ❜ he  moved  to  kiss  him  himself  at  this  point,  because  he’d  sprinkle  him  with  kisses  for  as  long  as  he  could  if  it  meant  showing  that  he  wasn’t  EVIL.  he  was  the  change  the  world  needed,  he  just  wanted  james  to  agree.  

          ❛  you  realise  you’re  saying  you’ll  do  anything  for  the  person  you  were  just  comparing  to  an  evil  dictator  don’t  you  ?  ❜ but  he  knew  he  had  him  now.  they  were  going  to  change  the  world  together  &  whenever  things  went  south  &  cassius  had  to  begin  to  reveal  identities  of  people  on  HIS  side  he  would  be  able  to  reveal  james  as  one  of  them.  he  didn’t  think  james  was  ready  for  what  he  would  spark;  chaos.  people  would  realise  that  someone   they  always  thought  was  good  was  on  the  side  of  someone  else  &  in  realising  that  they  might  begin  to  see  within  themselves  that  cassius  was  the  right  person  to  follow.  in  time,  he  would  explain  this  to  james,  but  for  now  he  had  to  play  more  into  the  fact  that  this  was  about  their  relationship,  not  about  the  leadership  role  that  james  would  eventually  come  in  to  contact  with.  ❛  i’m  going  to  start  confiding  in  you  more,  i  promise,  i  just  hope  it  doesn’t  go  the  way  this  did.  because  as  much  as  i  care  about  you  there’s  only  so  much  i  can  handle  before  i  snap.  i  can  feel  things  breaking  inside  of  me  slowly,  with  each  weakness  i  let  out  the  more  i’m  able  to  release  my  anger  &  snap  out  at  people.  i  don’t  know  if  that’s  a  good  or  bad  thing,  but  i  know  it’s  a  scary  one.  ❜  

            then  he  paused  to  take  a  breath  before  dipping  his  forehead  to  press  it  against  james’.  this  was  calming  for  him,  allowed  him  to  breathe.   ❛  you  cry  because  i’m  pretty  ?  i  thought  you  were  supposed  to  be  the  best  flirt  at  hogwarts.  ❜ he  joked  softly,  lips  moving  into  a  smile  again.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

And then a laugh actually left his lips. Maybe Cassius was RIGHT. Maybe James was the coldhearted one. These days he certainly believed that he wasn’t entirely sane considering how his emotions and thoughts and feelings rapidly fell from high to low and the back up again. He couldn’t make his mind up and he didn’t even know who he was these days. One second he had some sort of moral high ground and then the next he was volunteering to help out Cassius. He couldn’t tell whether he saw himself as better than Cassius or lower than him but the only thing he DID know was that whatever constant unspoken competition they had between them, Cassius ALWAYS won.

“Maybe being crazy isn’t a bad thing. These days I’m pretty sure I’M also fucking crazy and it’s not a bad thing if you don’t want to see it that way.” The man was definitely crying and James didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to go soft and wipe away the tears because the nasty cold part of him wanted to see Cassius suffer for everything he’d done and been through. But the stronger part of him loved the man standing in front of him and almost felt the pain his loved one was going through. OF COURSE, he didn’t understand exactly what he’d been through because how could he? But he could empathise with him and experience his pain as his heart broke with him. Cassius had comforted James when he’d cried and had wiped away his tears and James wanted to do the same in return – but right now he wasn’t sure whether he could step forward and do that or not.

The way Cassius was acting was nothing like James had seen before. It was as though he’d suddenly become a lot younger and James was seeing the scared boy he’d once been a long, long time ago. Taking the initiative, he took a small step forward, not wanting to appear as though he was backing him further into a corner and let his hands drop to his sides, his aggressive posture now gone. “You’re right. I CAN’T make up my fucking mind about anything. Can’t I feel everything about you? You’re hundreds of different things and seeing all these different versions of you is making me want to stay by your side even more. I’m not scared of YOU. I’m scared of the idea of what could have been you.” Everything James said to Cassius contradicted the next statement he made and he was WELL AWARE of that but he didn’t know why. Maybe he didn’t know Cassius at all which is why he couldn’t make up his mind on him. 

But at his offer, James suddenly paused, his jaw slacking ever so slightly. Could he ever do that? His life would be so much easier if he did lose all his memories of Cassius. He could be in a normal relationship with Alex, he wouldn’t have to sneak around with his professor, he wouldn’t have to join the opposing side in this war. He could go back to shamelessly flirting with him in class before it ever meant anything to either of them. His life would be relatively blissful compared to how it was right now. He wouldn’t have constant mood swings or be addicted to some awful potion. He could be free.

Then he looked at Cassius and he knew he couldn’t do it. His words ACHED him and he knew he’d never be able to do that. Sure, if his memory was erased he wouldn’t know anything about Cassius but simply the thought of doing that to him turned his stomach. If Cassius really did feel the way he said he did, then James knew that would break his heart. And he would never forgive him for that. Ducking his head down, he sniffed and then shook his head. “No,” he whispered softly. He took a few steps forwards until their toes were practically touching and then put a finger under Cassius’ chin. “I could never do that. No matter what shit I say about you, I also care about you. Even though I don’t yet understand the reasons why you’ve done a lot of the stuff you’ve done, I fell for the side of you that’s not this heartless man I think I’m scared of. You’re fucking MORE than that.”

And slowly, he leaned in and pressed a wet kiss to his lips. He didn’t know if it was Cassius’ tears or his own tears he could taste but the gesture was soft and sweet. He wanted to show Cassius he cared and would stand by his side. “I’m a fucking hypocrite and not the benevolent heroic man I pretend to be. That’s not ME – that’s my Dad. We have more in common than I’d like to think that we do. PLEASE let me stand by your side.” And finally, he hands moved to wipe away the tears, feeling as though their roles had briefly been reversed. “Crying feels fucking good sometimes, you know.”

     there  were  very  few  people  cassius  ever  felt  like  he  was  below.  when  he  was  younger  his  head  always  had  to  tilt  upwards  at  his  father,  even  during  his  strange  growth  spurts  his  father  remained  he  one  his  chin  had  to  be  jutted  out  for.  when  his  father  was  gone  he  always  was  able  to  look  down  at  everyone  else,  a  perk  of  being  taller  &  a  perk  of  feeling  superior  toward  the  people  around  him.  yet  he  always  had  to  keep  his  chin  held  upward  for  some  of  his  professors  when  they  talked  in  private  areas.  that  was  the  last  time  he’d  ever  LITERALLY  looked  up  to  someone.  now,  he  was  faced  with  a  boy  the  same  height  as  him  who  he  constantly  craned  his  neck  around  so  he  could  still  look  down  at  him  &  hold  onto  his  superiority.  things  had  changed  because  for  the  first  time  his  chin  didn’t  recede  back  into  his  throat,  instead  it  stuck  out  as  he  gazed  upward  at  james.  lips  parted  slightly  because  he’d  received  words  of  reinforcement;  james  wouldn’t  leave  him  for  an  easier  life  because  he  didn’t  want  to  forget  him.

       the  tears  that  had  left  his  eyes  felt  years  old  by  the  time  there  were  fingers  brushing  over  his  cheeks.  the  solace  he  needed,  though,  he  found  in  the  warm  palms  of  james  potter.  he’d  shown  him  true  weakness  because  he  had  so  many  of  them.  it  was  easy  to  poke  holes  in  cassius’  idea  that  he  could  be  a  powerful  man  because  of  all  of  the  underlying  sadness  that  followed  him  &  forced  him  into  making  the  decisions  he  did.  james  had  now  seen  that  weakness  &  cassius  didn’t  see  how  he  could  ever  UNSEE  it.  so  arms  raised,  rather  than  swooping  downward,  to  wrap  around  james  tightly.  he  didn’t  think  he’d  ever  hugged  james  for  his  own  comfort  but  here  he  was  now,  arms  tight  around  his  waist  as  his  head  went  downward  against  his  shoulder.

      they  were  the  same,  both  liars  about  the  sort  of  people  they  were.  maybe  that  was  why  cassius  actually  LIKED  him.  ❛  no  matter  how  hard  i  try,  i  can’t  stop  liking  you.  i  keep  wanting  to  find  reasons  to  hate  you  so  that  i  can  toss  you  to  the  side  &  go  through  with  my  original  plan  but  i  CAN’T  do  that.  why  do  you  have  to  make  everyone  like  you  so  fucking  much  ?  ❜  it  was  a  real  question,  one  he  wanted  an  answer  to.  james  just  was  so  good  at  making  people  like  him  that  cassius  didn’t  see  how  anyone  could  ever  DISLIKE  him,  no  matter  how  hard  they  tried.  

       he  forced  himself  to  breathe,  then,  slowly  taking  the  steps  to  lift  his  head  from  james’  shoulder.  ❛  crying  makes  me  feel  weak  &  like  the  little  boy  who  lost  his  parents  again.  i  don’t  want  to  be  him,  i  don’t  want  to  be  weak  because  being  weak  makes  people  step  all  over  you.  but  you’re  right,  i  needed  to,  because  if  i  hadn’t  i  think  it  all  of  the  sadness  might’ve  turned  to  anger.  &  the  things  i’m  capable  of  when  i’m  angry  are  far  worse  than  what  i’m  usually  capable  of.   ❜ slowly  he  was  reasserting  his  dominance  in  their  situation.  he  liked  to  be  the  one  to  speak  to  receive  empathy  &  to  be  in  control.  but  james  had  seen  him  out  of  it  now  &  there  was  no  going  back  from  this.  

       ❛  i’ll  keep  your  family  safe  while  you’re  by  my  side,  i  promise.  but  not  just  because  of  our  deal,  but  because  i  wouldn’t  want  to  see  you  lose  your  family  the  way  i  lost  mine.  you’ve  really  put  me  into  a  strange  predicament  you  know  that  ?  i  care  about  you  too  fucking  much,  but  i  also  wanted  to  see  your  father  suffering.  but  that  suffering  would  in  turn  be  your  own.  i’ll  keep  my  promises  to  you,  even  if  it  means  giving  up  something  i’ve  wanted  for  a  long  time.  long  as  it  means  you’ll  stay  with  me  no  matter  what  else  happens.  ❜  forcing  people  into  staying  with  him  was  easy,  especially  when  they  felt  sorry  for  him.  he  had  an  inkling  that  james  felt  the  most  sympathy  for  him  out  of  everyone  he’d  ever  known  due  to  knowing  more  about  him  than  anyone  else.  that  scared  him,  though,  because  if  james  ever  wanted  to  he  could  turn  on  him.  in  wars  friends  could  stab  others  in  the  back  easily,  even  lovers  would  do  what  it  took.

          his  arms  unwrapped  from  the  hug  that  he’d  given  to  james,  though  he’d  admit  he  was  a  bit  unwilling  to  do  it.  he  now  raised  his  hand  to  cup  his  cheek  gently.  ❛  we  need  to  stop  making  each  other  cry,  don’t  you  think  ?  maybe  we  can  work  more  on  just  being  happier  than  everybody  else.  i  feel  like  it’s  what  we  DESERVE. ❜

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

Cassius was ANGRY and in some weird and twisted way, that actually made James smile. Maybe it was because he was finally seeing the man James had assumed him to be and it PLEASED him. James wanted to see Cassius as the evil dictator he’d believed this person would be so riling him up until he snapped was the only way he would see that. Maybe JAMES was the crazy one for doing this considering Cassius had already agreed to look after him and not hurt him or his family but James just wanted a reason to stop being in love with him. He didn’t want to love a man who had no qualms against hurting and KILLING his family. He wished Cassius wasn’t so easy to fall for and didn't take his breath away every time he looked at him. James desperately wanted to HATE him. 

“Maybe YOU’RE the one who’s fucking stupid if no one else seems to understand. Did you ever think of that?” He was shaking now and was seeing red. As Cassius spoke, his fist clenched and he dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands until the pain was so strong he could focus on that more than the words that were being spat on him. He didn’t like being mocked, no less by someone he actually cared about and therefore cared for their opinion on him. He WAS an attention seeker and wanted things to go his way all the time but Cassius knew why as he practically forced him to confess all his darkest fears. The man knew what made him tick and he knew how to get under his skin which was exactly what he was doing right now. He was breathing heavily and his lips were now curled up in anger and it took every part of him to resist punching the man.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. Except those words didn’t come out – his lips simply moved and no words left them because he couldn’t speak. Suddenly realising what Cassius had done, he clutched his throat and stared with wide eyes, feeling even more frustrated that he did before. But before he could do anything or think anything else, he was knocked backwards off his feet and was on the floor, hands reaching out to stop his fall even though there was nothing he could do about it. He tried to let out a noise of protest and pain but nothing came out of him and he simply glared furiously at the man. His hands were bleeding now and he wasn’t sure if it was because of his fall or because of how hard his fingernails had been gripping into his skin. Looking up at Cassius, he swallowed, feeling even more powerless than ever. His eyes were focused on the wand pointing at him now, unsure of what was coming next. But this time it was words and honestly, the words were what hurt him the most out of anything.

All he wanted to do was yell back at the man which is why he supposed he had been silenced so he wouldn’t be able to do that. Instead, he made a face of anguish, hoping he would free him from the charm because he HATED having his voice taken away from him. Especially when he had so much to say. Everything Cassius was saying was making his insides twist and turn and for one moment he was genuinely worried if he was about to throw up. He wanted to shuffle backwards and get away from him but he didn’t want to show any signs of weakness and honestly, he was practically paralysed on the floor. So instead, he stood there sturdily and stared down the man, keeping eye contact with him no matter how difficult that was when he was basically his prisoner right now. 

And then finally, it was over. As Cassius leant against the tree, James slowly stood up and stared at him, waiting for the next move which he was beginning to think wasn’t coming. “I’m glad it’s not me who’s crying for once.” His voice was rough and breaking as though he’d been screaming for hours on end and honestly, it felt like he had been. His mind had been screaming ever since he figured out Cassius’ true identity and he couldn’t make it stop. Yet as he spoke, that awful smile was back on his face as though he was PLEASED that he could finally watch Cassius break. ”You tell me that you’re not fucking crazy but you killed a SCHOOL BULLY all because they were simply that? That’s not fucking normal.” James shook his head and tentatively took a step forward, his wand now in his hands rather than his robes in case Cassius tried anything on him while he was speaking again. 

“I know it’s not what you want to hear but my family come above EVERYONE. Surely you learnt that out of anything with all this time we’ve spent together.” Looking at the man in front of him, he wasn’t even sure how he could be the same person James was cuddling and calling adorable only half an hour ago. How could they have been through all this shit together for Cassius to turn out to be the man he was and for James to not hate him like he so desperately wanted to? “I just wanted you to make me hate you and you’re doing a fucking shitty job of it.” An awful laugh had left his lips now, the sound sad rather than happy. “Fuck you, too. All YOU’VE proved so far is that you ARE the cruel, cold-hearted man I thought this leader would be and not the man I’ve been getting to know the last few months. Maybe that’s the real you I overlooked so I could stupidly romanticise you into this heroic figure.”

Sighing, James finally moved so he was stood in front of him, realising that he was now calmer again. “I may be primarily doing this to save my family and not for you but I want to stop this pain you’ve felt your whole life. I don’t want to see you like this. If this whole thing is about avenging your parents’ deaths, then at least go after the people who are fucking guilty rather than the ones who haven’t done anything. As far as I know, my father didn’t kill anyone in the war – he was just born in the wrong fucking circumstances.” Slowly, he put his wand back into his pocket – which he hoped wasn’t a stupid move – and then looked Cassius in the eye. “I want to help you feel better but I don’t want to hurt the people I love. So let me do that. PLEASE.”

         all  cassius  could  seem  to  do  was  get  rid  of  the  people  he  cared  about.  whether  it  was  killing  them  or  watching  them  die,  he  was  forced  with  the  very  idea  that  they  would  disappear  at  one  point  or  another.  especially  whenever  he  decided  to  tell  them  the  TRUTH.  to  allow  them  to  see  this  other  side  of  him  that  the  world  had  told  him  was  crazy  &  evil  &  altogether  deviant.  but  he  didn’t  understand  because  there  were  people  now,  thousands  of  people  who  agreed  with  him.  yet  here  he  was  faced  with  someone  he  WANTED  to  believe  him,  &  they  didn’t.  

         cold  hearted.  maybe  he  was.  often  times  he  felt  numb  or  felt  rage.  he  calculated  his  movements  &  he  used  people’s  emotions  to  get  them  to  follow  him.  however,  he  knew  he  cared  about  the  people  who  he  worked  to  understand.  they  all  needed  someone  to  care  about  them  anyway.  whenever  he  looked  at  james  he  saw  someone  who  society  had  told  he  had  to  be  one  way  or  he  would  never  be  worshipped  the  way  his  father  was.  but  james  loved  his  family,  wouldn’t  turn  on  them  just  because  he’d  been  hurt.  the  difference  between  him  &  most  of  the  people  cassius  entrusted  into  his  inner  circle  was  the  fact  that  the  others  needed  cassius  in  their  lives.  james  might’ve  WANTED  cassius,  but  he  could  never  NEED  him.  at  least,  cassius  couldn’t  see  how.

        that  was  why  the  burning  in  his  eyes  got  worse,  to  the  point  that  he  heard  the  words  come  from  james’  lips  before  the  thought’d  even  crossed  his  own  mind,  i’m  glad  it’s  not  me  who’s  crying  for  once.  cassius  lifted  his  glasses  from  his  face,  then  fingers  came  up  to  feel  the  liquid  that  was  dripping  from  his  eyes  on  his  fingertips.  he  forgot  that  he  could  even  cry,  that  he  could  feel  emotion  this  far.  he  shoved  his  glasses  into  his  pocket  as  he  rubbed  at  his  eyes  stubbornly.  ❛  i’m  not  crying,  ❜  he  muttered  faithfully.  he  especially  wouldn’t  let  JAMES  see  him  shed  a  tear.  but  his  mutter  soon  turned  into  a  shout.  ❛  &  how  many  FUCKING  times  do  i  have  to  tell  you  .  .  .  I’M  NOT  CRAZY  !!   ❜  but  maybe  he  was.

        taking  people’s  lives  was  about  more  than  being  crazy,  though.  it  was  about  having  the  capability  to  understand  what  he  was  doing.  feeling  that  power  of  being  better  than  whoever  he  was  ridding  the  world  of.  to  be  able  to  kill  was  the  same  as  being  god  in  cassius’  eyes,  but  he  understood  WHY  that  sounded  crazy.  it  just  wasn’t,  it  was  the  terrifying  truth  of  the  act.  however,  he  couldn’t  find  himself  trying  to  defend  it.  not  to  james,  not  anymore.  he  wanted  to  use  apparation  &  get  as  far  away  as  he  could  from  the  boy  who  caused  him  to  feel  too  much.  since  he  couldn’t  he  decided  to  do  one  more  thing;  call  james  out  on  his  BULLSHIT.

        ❛  you’re  preaching  about  how  cold  i  am,  but  here  you  are,  content  to  see  me  crack.  &  you  don’t  feel  an  ounce  of  guilt,  you  like  it.  because  you  like  seeing  people  SUFFER  just  as  much  as  you  like  it  when  you’re  suffering  yourself.  but  CONGRATULATIONS,  somehow  you’ve  made  everything  about  you  again.  ❜ for  some  reason  he  cracked  a  smile,  albeit  a  sarcastic  &  sour  one.  ❛  i’m  glad  to  know  i’m  your  HERO,  though,  how  flattering.  i  hope  you  still  feel  that  way  whenever  the  ministry  is  mine.  maybe  you  can  hang  posters  of  me  up  on  your  wall  &  jerk  off  to  them.  or  have  you  already  done  that  ?   ❜ his  smile  fell,  gaze  turning  away  from  james  as  well  as  his  body.

        unbeknownst  to  him,  his  arms  had  crossed  over  his  chest  tightly.  he  took  a  step  away  from  the  tree,  feeling  like  a  cornered  rabbit.  back  slowly  turned  toward  james,  he  didn’t  want  to  look  at  him  anymore.  eyes  shut  slowly  as  he  breathed.  the  breaths  came  in  through  his  nose,  out  through  his  mouth.  ❛  one  second  you’re  saying  you  love  me,  the  next  you’re  calling  me  a  cold  hearted  crazy  psychopath,  then  you’re  saying  you  idolized  me.  it’s  always  back  &  forth  with  you  like  you  can’t  decide  what  you  NEED.  but  you  don’t  want  ME,  do  you  ?  i  don’t  see  how  you  possibly  could  whenever  every  single  thing  you  say  points  toward  the  opposite.  or  do  you  hate  yourself  for  wanting  me  ?  i  can’t  decide  which  is  true.  you  want  to  help  me  feel  better  ?  right,  because  everything  you’ve  said  makes  me  all  warm  &  fuzzy  inside.   ❜  while  it  seemed  james  was  truly  wanting  to  help  cassius,  he  knew  he  couldn’t  trust  him  if  all  he  was  going  to  do  was  run  off.  cassius  could  hear  his  own  heartbeat  flooding  his  ears  as  the  blood  raced  in  his  veins.  he  could  not  be  betrayed  again,  he  WOULDN’T  be.

        ❛  or  here’s  an  option  for  you,  a  WAY  OUT.  i  could  erase  your  memories,  replace  them  with  nice  things  of  the  last  couple  of  months.  you  wouldn’t  be  sleeping  with  me  anymore,  you’d  have  no  clue  who  i  really  was.  maybe  every  so  often  you’d  feel  like  there  was  something  you  forgot,  but  with  time  you’d  forget  you  even  felt  that  way.  i  could  do  that  for  you,  make  our  deal  null  &  void.  i’m  not  going  to  say  i  don’t  want  you  though.   ❜  he  turned  back  on  him.  was  it  obvious  that  he’d  not  been  able  to  stop  the  tears  from  the  way  his  chest  moved  &  heaved,  from  the  small  trickle  of  liquid  that  found  it’s  way  under  his  chin  ?  ❛  i  want  you  but  i’ll  give  you  up  if  it  stops  you  from  being  afraid,  if  it  makes  you  happy.  i’ll  leave  you  alone,  i’ll  stop  giving  you  those  LOOKS  in  class.  you’ll  have  the  chance  to  get  over  me  without  even  knowing  you  ever  weren’t  starting  to.  you  just  have  to  tell  me  that’s  what  you  want.  i’m  not  .  .  .  i’m  not  cold  hearted,  i’m  not  emotionless.  i  care  for  you  very  deeply,  i  want  to  give  you  the  sort  of  love  you’ve  never  had  before.  but  i  can’t  if  all  you  want  to  see  me  as  is  someone  who  wants  to  put  the  world  in  flames  then  rule  over  ash.  ❜  

        another  test,  he  was  chucking  them  out  like  there  was  a  new  school  year  already.  he  couldn’t  stop  testing  james  because  he  wasn’t  sure  how  much  he  could  trust  him.  james  had  already  told  him  he’d  give  up  alexander,  already  had  him  make  a  deal,  but  he  wanted  to  see  if  james  was  willing  to  hold  onto  their  memories.  did  james  treasure  him  &  those  memories  in  the  same  regard  that  cassius  did  ?  while  he  didn’t  show  it,  he  didn’t  see  himself  giving  them  up  for  the  world,  but  james  was  young  &  had  a  life  ahead  of  him  that  could  change  if  he  wanted  it  to.  ❛  but  you  have  to  decide  now.  even  though  maybe  if  you  say  yes,  that  it’s  what  you  want,  you’ll  be  the  true  monster  in  this  situation.  &  to  think  i’ve  just  wanted  to  protect  &  care  for  you  this  whole  time.  ❜                

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

As Cassius spoke, James narrowed his eyes at the man before scoffing and then pushing him away as he finally decided he didn’t WANT to be touching him. “Stop treating me like I’m a fucking child. Maybe I AM in your eyes but I’m not. In case you haven’t realised, it’s a fucking normal reaction to be a little bit frightened when you discover someone you’ve been fucking for months is destroying the wizarding world. Call it what you fucking want but your reasons are SHIT and it’s not because I’m too scared or stupid to understand what you’re doing.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he bit down on his lip before suddenly stopping as he didn’t want to look coy or submissive right now. “If I’m going to help you then you need to tell me fucking EVERYTHING and make me understand. Why should I do just shit for you like I’m a fucking sheep?”

James shook his head in frustration and then looked to the side, gritting his teeth with irritation. What was the point in throwing his entire heart at Cassius when he was just going to be treated like this? He was tired of this but it would never stop. Cassius would wind him around his fingers until he fell in love and snapped again. It was all one endless cycle. “If you don’t want anyone to know who you are, then what’s the point? Surely if you’re avenging your parents’ deaths then you need people to know who you are.” His eyebrows raised and he kicked at a stone on the floor, beginning to scuff his feet along the floor so he could ignore Cassius for a while and seeth.

“Should I take that back, then? My ACTUAL family will always be more important than you,” he said coldly as he pressed his lips together and took another step back. Now he wasn’t even sure what he felt for the man. His fear had now morphed into some form of distaste for the man. “I’m only doing any of this for my family. I’d let you kill me right now if I didn’t know that you would just kill off or hurt the rest of my family right after. And I KNOW how badly you want me to work with you. Why would you spend all this time seducing me if that’s not what you wanted?”

          the  problem  was  that  james  was  a  child  still.  although  they’d  just  had  the  conversation  weeks  before,  he  seemed  to  forget  that  people  like  cassius  were  robbed  of  the  childhood  that  he  was  able  to  enjoy.  cassius  was  forced  to  be  an  adult,  forced  to  propel  himself  forward  with  no  help.  usually,  cassius  wasn’t  one  to  get  upset  about  james’  namesake,  if  anything  he  let  it  slide  off  of  him  as  if  it  didn’t  matter,  but  he  was  tired  of  hearing  about  the  potter  family  &  how  they  all  got  by  whenever  they  didn’t  deserve  it.  james  especially  didn’t  deserve  how  well  off  he  was  if  THIS  was  how  he  was  going  to  act  when  given  a  chance  to  be  a  real  FUCKING  adult.  in  cassius’  throat  something  tightened  &  as  it  tightened  he  forced  himself  to  swallow.  while  he  was  good  at  holding  off  on  his  anger  usually,  james  was  now  making  it  awfully  hard.

            ❛  you  ARE  too  fucking  stupid  to  be  able  to  understand.  everyone  is,  ❜ his  voice  came  out  rough,  words  coming  out  of  his  mouth  like  flames.  it  was  too  late  to  stop  him  from  being  upset  &  that  anger  had  to  run  its  course.  ❛  you  want  me  to  stop  treating  you  like  a  CHILD  ?  then  stop  fucking  acting  like  one.  you  hear  one  damn  thing  you  don’t  want  to  hear  &  you  pull  shit  like  this.  ❜  cassius’  voice  shot  up  an  octave  as  he  made  a  coy  impression  of  james.  ❛  'oh  i’m  james  potter  &  i  have  to  have  everything  MY  way  &  everyone  has  to  treat  me  like  I’M  the  best  or  else  i’ll  treat  them  like  TRASH’  ❜ he  dropped  the  act  as  his  hand  raised  to  point  at  james  in  accusation.  ❛  you  know  about  me  now  so  it’s  time  you  heard  exactly  what  i  fucking  think  about  YOU.  you’re  a  little  boy  who’s  trying  to  be  better  than  his  daddy  &  you  never  will  be.  if  the  attention  isn’t  FUCKING  on  you  then  you  get  pissy  &  everything,  &  i  mean  every  single  fucking  thing,  winds  up  HAVING  to  be  about  YOU.  you  want  me  to  tell  you  ‘EVERYTHING’  about  my  plans,  about  who  i  am  ?  then  you  better  sit  the  fuck  down  &  SHUT  UP!  ❜   

             he’d  never  been  this  angry  with  james  before,  even  when  he  was  jealous  of  everything  with  alexander  he  wasn’t  this  mad.  though  he  knew  why  he  was.  james  had  openly  said  there  was  room  in  his  family  for  him  &  then  immediately  thrown  him  to  the  side  as  soon  as  he  said  one  thing  he  didn’t  like.  cassius  was  tired  of  having  emotions  for  a  boy  who  was  younger  than  him  &  didn’t  even  understand  how  much  the  words  he  said  could  sting.  any  pain  that  cassius  felt  he  would  immediately  convert  into  anger,  because  it  was  easier  to  be  angry  than  it  was  to  be  sad.  before  he  knew  what  he  was  doing  his  wand  was  out  &  he  was  sending  a  ripple  of  blue  light  to  knock  james  off  of  his  feet.  while  he  knew  it  would  scare  him  he  didn’t  CARE  because  as  much  as  james  loved  the  attention  being  on  him,  cassius  wanted  that  spotlight.  he  was  tired  of  even  coming  in  SECOND  to  a  fucking  eighteen  year  old.

                perhaps  even  worse  than  using  a  knockback  jinx,  cassius  then  performed  a  silencing  charm  on  james  because  he  didn’t  want  to  be  INTERRUPTED,  not  anymore.  &  as  soon  as  he  knew  it  was  working  he  stood  above  james,  wand  still  pointed  at  him,  centred  toward  his  throat.  ❛  the  first  time  i  killed  someone  was  during  my  seventh  year  here  at  hogwarts.  there  was  a  fifth  year  girl  who’d  found  out  about  what  happened  to  my  parents,  who  thought  it  was  FUNNY  that  i  was  alone.  the  problem  with  mean  spirited  teenagers  is  they  don’t  know  that  their  words  can  have  consequences.  &  toward  the  end  of  the  year,  after  a  full  year  of  hearing  it  from  her  &  the  little  gang  she’d  cooked  up,  i  got  rid  of  her.  i  learned  how  to  practice  the  killing  curse  on  smaller  animals  before,  but  i’d  never  done  it  on  a  human  being.  &  i’ll  tell  you  it  felt  fucking  fantastic.  so  yes,  i’ve  killed  people  for  my  own  gain.  not  only  that,  but  i’ve  tortured,  just  like  you  said.  i’ve  watched  as  people  have  bled  out  to  give  information  to  the  ministry  &  then  have  been  killed  because  we  were  TOLD  to  kill  them.  i’ve  tortured  people  inside  of  the  ministry  to  get  them  to  give  ME  information.  but  i’m  also  a  thirty  one  year  old  man  who  was  well  on  his  way  to  becoming  minister  of  magic.  i’m  more  intelligent  than  any  other  wizard  my  age,  &  more  powerful.  so  maybe  next  time  you’ll  think  twice  before  telling  ME  what  to  do.   ❜  

                  he  removed  his  wand  from  it’s  position  but  still  kept  it  near  his  side.  the  anger  that  was  inside  of  him  was  burning  off,  leaving  a  stinging  in  his  eyes  &  a  numbness  in  his  core.  ❛  tell  me  more  about  how  i’m  always  going  to  be  not  as  good  as  whoever  else  you’ve  got  on  your  side,  but  you’ve  still  made  a  deal  to  be  with  me.  i  don’t  take  broken  deals  lightly.  i’ve  spent  all  of  this  time  ‘seducing  you’  because  i  was  going  to  rip  your  stomach  open  &  let  your  guts  spill  out  right  in  front  of  your  father.  &  he  wasn’t  going  to  be  able  to  do  anything  to  save  you.  BUT  THEN,  then  i  saw  your  potential,  &  i  started  to  care  for  you.  the  fact  is,  if  i  didn’t  care  about  you,  if  i  didn’t  feel  something  for  you,  you’d  be  dead  right  now.  but  you’re  not,  &  all  you  can  say  is  that  your  family  is  all  you’re  doing  anything  for.  ❜  then  he  backed  away  from  james  slowly,  whatever  stinging  was  in  his  eyes  was  getting  stronger  &  he  wasn’t  enjoying  the  sensation  because  it  was  taking  him  back  to  years  ago  when  he  held  the  stone  cold  hands  of  his  parents  in  his.

               then  all  he  could  think  about  for  a  moment  was  that,  he  hadn’t  focused  on  it  in  years.  he  remembered  how  young  &  stupid  he  was,  how  he  changed  so  fast.  maybe  he  would’ve  ended  up  as  arrogant  as  james  if  he  hadn’t  lost  his  parents.  it  wasn’t  something  he  liked  to  dwell  on.  ❛  you’re  so  LUCKY  to  be  who  you  are.  &  all  you  can  do  with  that  information  is  use  it  to  feel  sorry  for  yourself.  i’ll  keep  treating  you  like  a  child  until  you  can  prove  that  you’re  worth  more  respect  than  that,  that  you  deserve  my  praise  &  to  be  talked  to  like  an  equal.  all  you’ve  proved  so  far  is  that  you  can’t  take  criticism  or  being  asked  questions  by  someone  who  is  your  SUPERIOR.  basically,  what  i’m  saying,  is  FUCK  YOU.   ❜  by  this  point  he  knew  his  silencing  charm  would’ve  worn  off,  &  he  wanted  to  be  more  DRAMATIC  than  james  ever  could  be.  he  wanted  to  run  off  &  hide  away,  making  the  boy  come  find  him  &  beg  for  forgiveness.  but  he  was  too  strong  for  that,  so  instead  he  just  allowed  his  back  to  hit  against  a  tree.  his  heart  was  still  racing,  his  breathing  was  heavy,  but  he  couldn’t  feel  a  damn  thing.  gaze  lowered  to  the  ground  &  concentrated  on  the  decaying  leaves  under  patches  of  leftover  snow.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

If Cassius was his protector, then why did James still feel like he was trapped? He had no chance of leaving the other if he wanted to. If he ran, then he was pretty sure that Cassius had absolutely no qualms about killing him or his entire family. He was stuck here with him until Cassius got bored of him. Yet deep down, James knew he couldn’t let Cassius get bored of him because as soon as the man didn’t want him around, his family were no longer safe. Maybe they still weren’t safe even if he managed to get Cassius away from them but at least they would be a little better than they would be if James wasn’t here, joining forces with Cassius. Was joining the dark side how most people protected their loved ones? He was joining everything his father stood against and he was already beginning to hate himself for that.

Arms staying wrapped around Cassius, he enjoyed the warmth and the feeling that Cassius actually cared for him. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine an alternate situation where Cassius wasn’t his teacher or his enemy, he was just a person that James had fallen in love with. All he wanted was to be loved and be close to someone who felt the same way as he did and when he held Cassius and felt his lips on his head, he could almost imagine that it was true. He could imagine that Cassius fully reciprocated his feelings. Everyone loved James Potter, yet the one man he wanted to love him, James wasn’t entirely sure if he ever would. He wasn’t even sure what Cassius was feeling because he still couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t, no matter what the man said to him.

Slowly, James lifted his head and then looked at Cassius again, still keeping his arms tucked around his waist. “I’m only scared of you because of what you’ve done. You’ve literally killed and tortured people.” His words were softly spoken and finally, James tiptoed so he could press a gentle kiss onto the other’s lips. “I can’t stop the way I feel about you and that’s not going to change. Maybe I’ll get over whatever I’m feeling right now but I’m never going to stop feeling ridiculously giddy or stop my heart beating at double time whenever I look at you. I don’t WANT to stop feeling happy whenever you walk into a room or whenever I get to spend time with you alone. I only brought you here so we’d have a place to be together.”

His hand had now moved so he could caress Cassius’ cheek, a soft look in his eyes as his warm hand touched his face. “Maybe I feel like this because I got to know the real YOU before I found this out. You might be the man I should hate most in the world but I don’t. And I think THAT’S what scares me the most – not you. You’re just… Cassius Wilkes. The person I’ve fancied since I was a kid. I might not like your secret identity but I can work with it. And I will.” He felt strangely emotional all of a sudden and he tilted his head slightly at the man as he smiled sadly. “My family might be huge as fuck but I’ll always have room for you, babe.”

        cassius  knew  he  &  james  were  different  people  but  he  was  constantly  trying  to  find  similarities  between  them.  if  he  didn’t  find  those  similarities  he  knew  he’d  get  bored  &  that  he  WOULD  finish  him  off.  though,  at  the  same  time,  he  liked  to  think  he  had  more  sentiment  than  that.  james  wasn’t  someone  he  thought  he  could  kill,  but  he  couldn’t  tell  him  that.  imagining  james  death  was  not  something  that  was  new,  though.  whenever  they  had  first  gotten  close,  cassius’  objective  was  to  off  him  somehow.  not  with  the  potion,  not  with  anything  except  his  own  wit.  he  wanted  james  out  of  the  picture  to  watch  harry  potter  suffer.  then  he  was  going  to  take  away  albus  &  lily.  finally,  he  was  going  to  off  ginerva.  then  he  would  be  all  alone,  would  feel  it  again  before  his  death.  but  cassius  wound  up  liking  james,  &  that  was  when  things  turned  into  this  game,  the  one  that  led  them  to  this.  

        lips  pursed  slowly  because  it  seemed  whatever  he  was  saying  wasn’t  getting  through  james’  thick  skull.  he  wanted  to  yell  at  him,  grab  his  face  until  he  understood  what  was  happening.  this  war  wasn’t  about  HIM,  this  war  wasn’t  about  the  POTTERS,  it  wasn’t  even  about  DEATH.  ❛  i’ve  not  killed  as  many  people  as  you  think, ❜  he  murmured  lowly,  eyes  scanned  james’  face  again.  he  knew  he  was  getting  into  dangerous  waters  by  beginning  to  talk  about  the  very  part  of  him  that  scared  james.  but  how  much  fucking  longer  did  he  have  to  hide  it  away  ?

        ❛  i  know  that  the  people  following  me  have,  but  i  haven’t  been  present.  i  CAN’T  be.  the  reason  why  everyone  else  got  caught  is  because  they  allowed  people  to  know  who  they  were.  all  they  wanted  was  to  be  found.  i  don’t  want  that,  not  yet.  the  suspicion  is  what  matters  -  FUCK,  is  it  even  worth  explaining  this  to  you  if  all  it’s  going  to  do  is  go  over  your  head  &  give  you  more  reason  to  be  afraid  ? ❜   he  knew  james  was  in  love  with  him,  but  people  who  thought  love  was  more  important  than  anything  else  were  wrong.  love  could  not  conquer  all,  if  anything  it  turned  into  a  weakness.  cassius  had  taken  james’  love  &  twisted  it  all  around.  didn’t  people  understand  that  anyone  could  do  that  to  them  ?  love  made  people  into  CRAZY  PSYCHOPATHS.  &  so  the  sentiment  of  love  was  lost  on  cassius  easily,  but  he  still  took  james’  words  into  consideration.

        ❛  are  you  only  doing  this  because  you  love  me  ?  you’ll  have  to  forgive  me  for  asking,  but  i  don’t  really  understand  it  if  you  are.  or  is  it  because  of  how  much  you  love  your  family  ?  i  just  .  .  .  i  guess  i’m  trying  to  understand  more  so  that  way  i  don’t  hurt  you  anymore.  we  have  this  SPECIAL  PLACE  now,  we  have  more  SECRETS  to  keep,  i  just  want  to  make  sure  it’s  going  to  stay  that  way. ❜

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

Please don’t be scared. That was easy enough for Cassius to say. His actions were gentle and so were his words but it was hard to hide the fact that James was shaking and crying now even if he was blinking away the tears and hiding his fists away. It was strange how someone who could be so loving and gentle with him could also be so brutal and heartless. Because heartless is what you had to BE to kill and torture people, no matter what they’d done in the past. No matter what Cassius said or what reasons he gave to justify the things he did, James wouldn’t accept it. Because no one hurt his family the way Cassius had done and just get his forgiveness in an instant. That wasn’t how it worked. 

“Maybe it DOES make me feel special but I still don’t think anything you’ve done is okay. Maybe one day I’ll understand but I can’t right now. There are other ways to scare people rather than hurting someone who IS innocent. If this new war is about revenge, then why hurt Dom? She wasn’t even alive during the first war.” James was asking all these questions but he wasn’t really expecting an answer to any of them. They had plenty of time to talk things over and it felt as though right now wasn’t the time when he was just processing the things he had just been told. “Maybe not a spy but I still feel like a fucking TRAITOR to my family. Maybe I am on both sides but they won’t get that. They won’t see the side of you that I do.”

And then the kiss came. James had half been expecting Cassius to kiss him because that’s just what they did in situations like this. When words were at a loss for them, they moved onto physical things like sex and kisses. But James didn’t want to sleep with Cassius today. He wasn’t even sure if he was up for kissing him but this kiss was so passionate and meaningful that James couldn’t pull away from it. Instinctively he kissed the other back but he wasn’t thinking about it – it was just a natural reaction to the feeling of Cassius’ lips upon his own and he didn’t really want to pull away.

As Cassius pulled back from the kiss, James stared at him for a couple of seconds before surging forwards and wrapping his arms around the man and hugging him tightly, hiding his face against his chest. All he wanted right now was comfort and maybe getting that from the man he was somewhat scared of was sick and twisted but he didn’t know where else to get that from currently. In all honesty, he just wanted his MOTHER to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay as though he was a child again. He wanted PROTECTION. And Cassius was now his only source of that even though he was also the force James wanted protection from. As much as he could easily fend for himself, sometimes he just wanted to hide and be looked after and now was one of these times.

“So what now? What do we do now? We’re not exactly going to go back to how we were anymore, are we?”

        all  that  cassius  wanted  to  do  was  explain  to  james  that  he  wasn’t  a  MONSTER.  what  struck  paranoia  in  him  most  was  the  prospect  of  people  looking  back  on  his  legacy  &  only  thinking  he  was  capable  of  great  destruction  instead  of  great  reform.  he  wanted  to  change  things,  he  didn’t  want  to  ruin  everything  the  way  so  many  other  people  had.  the  time  had  come  for  sides  to  put  all  of  their  hatred  for  each  other  into  one  group  of  people,  &  that  group  were  muggles.  they  were  capable  of  great  things,  but  also  capable  of  hurting  wizard  kind.  they  had  to  hide  behind  a  veil  but  muggles  didn’t  hide  from  them.  cassius  was  tired  of  it.  he  didn’t  know  how  to  explain  to  the  boy  in  front  of  him  that  he  wasn’t  just  in  it  for  the  thrill  of  killing  others,  but  he  knew  he  had  to  speak  the  truth  to  him  no  matter  what.

        he  wanted  to  tell  james  all  sorts  of  things,  but  before  he  could,  arms  were  wrapped  around  him  tightly.  whatever  bond  they  had  that  scared  james  also  seemed  to  bring  him  closer  to  cassius  now.  his  own  arms  raised  &  closed  around  him.  fingers  ran  over  his  back  gently,  running  against  his  shoulders  &  his  spine.  he  dipped  down  to  kiss  the  top  of  his  head,  lips  getting  lost  in  curls.  then  he  rested  his  chin  there,  gaze  focusing  on  something  in  the  distance  rather  then  on  james.

        ❛  how  we  were  before  .  .  .  i  don’t  see  why  that  has  to  change.  i  still  feel  the  same  way  for  you  as  i  have,  it  hasn’t  gone  away.  if  anything,  i’d  say  i  care  for  you  even  more  now  that  you’ve  let  me  be  your  protector.  that’s  what  the  people  who  follow  me  see  me  as,  you  know  ?  they  see  me  as  someone  who  can  take  care  of  them,  they’ve  put  their  faith  in  me.  &  right  now  you’re  the  only  person  i  can  confide  in  at  all.  do  you  know  how  much  that  means  to  me  ?  how  much  you  mean  to  me  ?  ❜  his  chin  moved  away  from  resting  on  james’  head,  gaze  zeroed  down  on  him.  ❛  i  know  you  don’t  understand  everything  yet,  but  you  have  to  understand  SOMETHING.  something  has  to  resonate  with  you  that  you  want  this,  want  me,  &  want  to  be  part  of  this  movement.  &  whatever  it  is  it  isn’t  just  sheer  love.  maybe  it’s  the  idea  that  you  can  protect  the  people  you  care  about,  which  by  the  way  you  &  i  both  have  in  common,  but  there  has  to  be  something  else,  something  MORE,  &  deep  down  maybe  you  feel  that  the  way  i  do.  ❜ 

        words  were  more  powerful  than  anything  else  in  the  world  as  far  as  cassius  was  concerned.  manipulation  of  others  was  easy  for  him,  &  while  he  understood  that  he  was  manipulating  james  to  what  he  needed  him  to  be,  part  of  it  was  also  him  seeing  the  darkness  that  james  could  show.  there  were  little  things  that  were  there  that  could  be  provoked,  coaxed  out  to  the  surface.  it  just  took  time  for  them  to  blossom.  but  he  was  afraid  that  james  would  soon  turn  on  him  because  of  the  fear  he  felt  for  him.  so,  cassius  made  a  soft  sound,  the  sort  that  was  almost  like  a  whine  but  was  a  bit  more  distressed  than  that.

        ❛  james,  i  -  i  don’t  want  you  to  be  afraid  of  me,  i  hope  you  know  that.  i  understand  why  you  are,  but  i’ve  always  not  wanted  to  scare  you.  i’d  never  intentionally  make  you  afraid,  because  i  know  what  it’s  like  to  be  afraid  &  to  think  someone  might  kill  you  just  for  existing  or  making  one  wrong  move.  &  right  now,  i  don’t  have  any  family  to  worry  about.  it’s  just  been  me  for  a  VERY  long  time.  so  i  hope  you  don’t  mind  me  saying  that  i  consider  you  to  be  my  family  right  now  because  you’re  the  only  person  i’ve  really  got.  ❜  &  even  though  he  wanted  to  think  that  wasn’t  true,  that  he  was  saying  more  to  get  james  on  his  side,  it  WAS.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

As Cassius put his hands on his cheeks, James actually froze and widened his eyes, suddenly feeling a surge of fear. Normally when the other dod that, he could feel his heart swelling like a balloon but right now he was on edge and terrified of Cassius’ every move. If James made a wrong move or said the wrong thing then he knew perfectly well that Cassius wasn’t against murdering him. Even though he cared little for his own life, he needed to be able to escape so he could save his family. And the only way he could do that was by being alive. Tears actually trickled down his cheeks as he stared back at Cassius. “I KNOW you’re not a monster but I’m so fucking scared of you right now.” What was the point in lying right now? He felt the fear he felt that night Cassius had attacked him but this time he couldn’t run away. They were in a secluded part of the forest and there was nowhere to go.

“If you want to make the world a better place, then why are you going after my family? Hurting Dom won’t do anything and neither will killing my dad or Ron.” He paused because he knew this one his one chance to stop whatever he was doing to his family. If he fucked this up then they were all dead meat because James wouldn’t go against his every moral and join Cassius until the promise was sealed. “If I work with you then I can put Dad off your trail. I can do shit to help. I’ll be leaving school soon so I could be a fucking spy if that’s what you wanted me to do.” Earnestly, he put his hands over Cassius’ and blinked back his tears as he spoke. At the mention of Azkaban, his blood ran cold and he actually felt sick. Because if he worked with Cassius and was caught, then Azkaban was where he was headed. The very irony of a Potter joining the dark side against his family and morals was laughable.

“I would be fucking incredible by your side and you KNOW it.” He took Cassius’ hands and laced his fingers between the other’s again as he lowered their hands. “Who the fuck would expect me to be working with YOU? Plus you know I’m fucking good at magic when I try, I can be helpful.” Now he wasn’t entirely sure why he was working so hard so persuade Cassius because this was all insane. The only thing he wanted to do was save his family so if he sealed this deal then they would all be fairly safe from the rest of the war. Despite still being scared, James moved in a little closer and looked Cassius directly in the eye. “So, what do you say? Do you want me?”

         there  was  a  feeling  he  got  every  so  often,  the  kind  where  the  things  james  said  to  him  made  his  breath  turn  hot  in  the  back  of  his  throat.  now  was  one  of  those  times,  &  he  found  himself  slowly  helping  to  get  rid  of  his  tears.  he  wiped  them  away  with  his  thumbs,  gazing  at  him,  searching  through  all  of  the  emotions  he  was  feeling.  ❛  please  don’t  be  scared,  ❜  he  breathed.  james  had  said  he  was  good  at  acting,  but  he  wasn’t  sure  if  he  was  acting  anymore  as  he  continued  on,  ❛  i  don’t  want  you  to  be  afraid  of  me,  because  i’m  not  here  to  HURT  you.  i  want  to  keep  you  safe  from  everyone  else  because  they  don’t  know  you  the  way  i  know  you.  i  know  i’ve  done  things  that  aren’t  good  things,  like  choking  you  or  what  i  did  to  you  on  the  quidditch  pitch,  but  i’m  not  intentionally  trying  to  kill  you  because  you’re  the  ONE  person  i  want  around.  the  ONE  person  i  want  to  know  the  truth.  try  to  tell  me  that  doesn’t  make  you  feel  special.  ❜  

          the  logistics  of  what  cassius  had  to  do  &  the  sacrifices  he  had  to  make  were  difficult  to  explain  to  someone  not  in  the  same  mindset  as  him.  but  he  knew  he  had  to  try.  ❛  what  happened  with  dominique  .   .   .  i  wish  she  weren’t  so  GOOD.  she  &  i  got  along,  &  she  confided  in  me  from  time  to  time.  there  was  an  heirloom  that  i  found  out  about  &  i  had  to  make  sure  people  knew  this  war  was  about  revenge.  so  i  picked  her  for  the  attack.  &  people  were  terrified,  YOU  were  terrified.  that  was  what  mattered  at  the  time,  invoking  fear.  i  know  you  don’t  understand,  but  i  suppose  that’s  why  i’m  the  leader  in  this  case.  ❜  &  he  knew  he  needed  james,  knew  he  had  to  have  him  there  to  succeed.  if  a  potter  was  on  his  side  then  a  longbottom  could  be,  a  weasley  even.  ❛  i  don’t  want  you  to  be  just  a  spy,  you’re  going  to  be  more  than  that  to  me.  lowlifes  are  spies,  &  you’re  not  one  of  them.  ❜  

             then  their  hands  were  clasped  together  &  he  squeezed.  he  knew  how  amazing  it  would  be  to  have  the  boy  on  his  lap,  how  good  it  would  be  to  release  his  adrenaline  at  the  end  of  the  night  with  james  potter  in  his  bed.  he  didn’t  have  to  convince  him  though,  cassius  was  already  onboard,  if  anything  cassius  was  allowing  him  to  convince  himself.  ❛   how’s  this  for  an  answer  ?  ❜  he  murmured  as  he  fingers  untwined  from  james’.  arms  slid  around  his  waist,  body  pressed  flush  to  his,  &  his  lips  pressed  downward  deeply.  the  kiss  was  a  gamble,  but  he  wanted  him  almost  as  much  as  he  wanted  the  world  &  he  was  offering  both  to  cassius  on  a  silver  platter.  he  was  taking  the  offer  because  he  couldn’t  deny  it,  but  he  knew  one  day  he’d  break  it.  by  then  it’d  be  too  late  for  james  to  do  anything  about  it.  as  he  kissed  him,  his  tongue  slid  against  his  lips  teasingly,  he  wanted  to  make  this  a  good  kiss  so  that  james  would  feel  like  he  was  the  only  one  in  the  world  at  this  moment.  then  he  broke  away,  eyes  opening  to  stare  into  green  orbs  that  he  thought  might  KILL  him  one  day.

[willkes]

╰ °✧  POTTER, J.

And for once, James actually listened and took Cassius’ advice. He was frozen still, too scared to actually move. Despite being reckless, he wasn’t THAT fucking stupid and wasn’t quite ready to risk his life just yet. Even though James had experienced his soft side – even just minutes ago before he ruined the atmosphere – he knew that Cassius was dangerous and powerful and could easily murder him and make it look like an accident. Staring at the hand on his bicep, he clenched his hands and then unclenched them, unsure how to stop them from shaking. For once, he actually wanted to blame it on the fact that he was craving that fucking potion Cassius had given him and not on the fear that ran through his veins. 

“I was going to go straight to McGonagall when I found that letter,” he confessed quietly. “But then I realised that if I went to her then whatever THIS thing is between us would have to stop. And I don’t want it to stop.” A hysterical laugh left his lips and his hands went to his head so he could grip his skull and then tug at his curls, probably looking someone manic as he did but he was past caring now. “This is the most fucked up thing that’s ever happened to me. Who would ever think that Harry Potter’s son would fall in love with the next Dark Lord? PLEASE fucking tell me that you actually feel something for me because I didn’t think this could get any more fucked up.” His voice was strained now and his throat was beginning to get tight. “This wasn’t all just you using me, was it? I KNOW you feel something for me. You can’t be that good at acting.”

Finally, he looked down at his feet and took in a couple of breaths so he could calm down as he felt as though he was about to hyperventilate. And then he looked up at Cassius again with something different in his eyes. There was determination but also a hint of coldness that wasn’t there before. “I’ll help you,” he said in a slow and rough voice as though he’d been crying. “If you promise not to touch or hurt my family, then I’ll help you. I’ll break up with Alex. I’ll do anything you want if you promise to not touch them. That’s what you wanted, right? To corrupt me so much I’ll fall on your side? CONGRATULATIONS because it fucking worked. I’m yours now. Or did you want me to beg for this?”

        cassius  thought  this  was  all  supposed  to  be  about  him  so  he  wondered  why  things  had  already  twisted  into  being  about  james  again.  he  hadn’t  asked  anything  of  him,  but  here  he  was  offering  his  LIFE  to  cassius  &  all  he’d  done  was  tell  him  the  truth.  the  fact  that  james  was  in  love  with  him  was  no  surprise  to  cassius,  but  he  was  afraid  of  what  he  was  going  to  have  to  say  to  keep  him  by  his  side.  he  was  this  good  at  acting,  always  had  been.  he  could  fake  emotions,  he  could  make  people  think  he  loved  them  or  hated  them  all  it  took  was  one  look. 

           ❛  i’m  glad  you  didn’t  go  to  her,  ❜  he  started.  whatever  james  was  feeling  right  now  was  changing  him  further  than  cassius  had  ever  been  able  to  go.  he  closed  their  space,  took  james’  face  between  his  hands.  thumbs  rubbed  over  burning  cheeks,  his  gaze  stayed  centered  on  james’.  ❛  i  feel  something  for  you.  i  want  to  protect  you,  i’ve  always  wanted  to  protect  you.  i’ve  seen  the  way  your  siblings  have  grown  past  you  in  people’s  eyes,  i’ve  seen  how  you’ve  changed  your  personality  to  protect  your  weaknesses.  i  know  you’re  afraid  of  who  i  am  but  it’s  barely  anyone  different  from  the  man  you’ve  gotten  to  know  because  i’m  not  a  ‘dark  lord’  &  i’m  not  a  monster.  VOLDEMORT  was  a  monster,  GRINDELWALD  was  a  monster.  i’m  just  someone  who  wants  to  make  the  world  a  better  place  for  wizard  kind.  i  don’t  care  about  purity,  but  i  care  about  the  muggles  who  want  to  burn  us  at  the  stake  &  get  rid  of  magic  all  together.  i  never  wanted  the  name  neo  death  eaters,  it  sounds  boring,  like  i’m  trying  to  finish  what  THEY  started,  but  i’m  not,  i’m  someone  different,  someone  new.  ❜  he  didn’t  know  how  to  explain  these  things  to  someone  who’d  been  taught  his  whole  life  what  evil  was.

             but  then  he  was  offered  something  he  didn’t  know  if  he  could  refuse.  he  WANTED  james,  but  he  also  wanted  to  see  harry  potter’s  head  mounted  on  a  stick.  ❛  whenever  they  took  your  father  i  was  going  to  kill  him,  you  know  ?  i  was  going  to  start  things  off  with  a  BANG.  but  i  didn’t,  because  i  wanted  to  prolong  his  death.  i  won’t  touch  them,  i  can  ignore  that  they  even  exist,  but  here’s  the  problem;  your  DADDY  is  going  to  try  to  tear  apart  my  plan,  &  if  he  tears  it  apart  i’ll  bring  you  down  with  us.  i  hear  from  some  of  my  friends  in  azkaban  that  if  you  get  a  cell  in  the  middle  then  it’s  nicer  than  being  on  the  outside  near  the  cold.  i’ll  make  sure  one’s  reserved  for  you  if  i  ever  get  the  message  that  he’s  done  something  to  ruin  things.  so  yes,  in  a  way  i  do  want  you  to  beg,  because  i  want  to  hear  you  convince  me.  but  at  the  same  time  you  KNOW  i  can’t  resist  the  idea  of  actually  getting  to  have  you  by  my  side. ❜