❝ 𝓼𝓽𝓾𝓬𝓴 𝓲𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓫𝓻𝓪𝓲𝓷

❝ you had me hooked again from the minute you sat down the way you bite your lip got my head spinning around after a drink or two I was p u t t y in your hands I don't know if I have the strength to stand Trouble troublemaker yeah that's your middle name I know you're no good but you're stuck in my brain And I wanna know Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad My mind keeps saying R u n as fast as you can I say I'm done but then you pull me back I swear you're giving me a heart attack Troublemaker ❞

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

        there  were  two  sides  that  alexander  couldn’t  tell  the  difference  between  in  his  current  situation.  on  one  side  james  was  telling  the  truth  he  really  never  cared  for  alexander  &  always  hated  him.  everything  that  he  did  was  just  so  that  this  moment  could  happen  &  he  could  watch  someone  be  torn  apart  at  the  seams.  but  the  second  option  was  that  james  was  lying  to  him  again.  alexander  didn’t  know  why  he  was,  who  was  trying  to  hurt  him,  but  he  could  only  think  that  the  real  reason  james  was  leaving  him  was  to  protect  one  of  them.  he’d  been  promised  protection  at  the  beginning  of  their  relationship  &  he  wanted  to  believe  that  was  the  only  reason  james  would  leave  him.  but  he  didn’t  care  about  protection  if  it  meant  losing  the  person  he  loved.

            ❛  i  am  SMART,  i’m  smarter  than  i  wish  i  was.  but  you  seem  like  you’re  lying  to  me  about  this,  you  won’t  even  look  me  in  the  eye.  you’re  supposed  to  be  GOOD,  no  .  .  .  you  ARE  good.  you  want  to  hurt  me  ?  well  good  job  you  have  but  i  don’t  believe  that  you  want  to  leave  me.  after  the  things  we’ve  shared  .  .  .  do  you  cry  in  front  of  all  of  the  people  you’ve  apparently  broken  the  hearts  of  ?  do  you  promise  them  protection  ?  did  you  cuddle  them  every  night  &  let  them  read  to  you  since  you  can’t  keep  still  to  read  yourself  ?  i  know  you  like  the  stories  &  wish  you  could  focus.  &  what  about  .  .  .  albert.  do  you  hate  him  too  ?  come  on  james  just  tell  me  what’s  really  going  on  i  can  help  you.  ❜   whatever  was  wrong  with  james  there  had  to  be  something  true  in  what  they  had.  he  didn’t  understand  how  it  could  all  be  fake.  he  had  given  james  his  whole  heart  &  more.  he  didn’t  want  to  believe  the  things  he’d  started  to.

                    ❛  i'm  not  leaving  until  you  give  me  an  answer  i  can  actually  accept.  ❜  

Why was Alex still HERE? Why wasn’t he getting the message that James wanted him GONE? He didn’t know what else he could say any more to get rid of him. Despite Alex trying to make James look at him, James turned his head away and squeezed his eyes shut even though it was already too late and James now had silent tears trickling down his cheeks. He knew that Alex wouldn’t leave if there was even the SMALLEST of chances that James could break and he could get through to him so he needed to show the boy that it wasn’t true and that he truly didn’t want Alexander in his life anymore. “I don’t want your fucking help, Alexander,” James hissed through gritted teeth, his anger now escaping in the form of frustration at himself for not being able to hold back everything he was feeling. “Why don't you understand that I just want you to GO?”

His ran his fingers through his hair and almost screamed in frustration. He knew what he had to do. There was only one way that James could prove he didn’t want Alex around and that was by hurting him. James had promised that he could never ever hurt Alex, so physically hurting him would prove that everything was a lie. He already hated himself for what he was about to do but it would get rid of Alexander and prove his devotion and allegiance to Cassius, once and for all. A shaking hand went into his robes so he could grab his wand and with slight hesitation, he pointed it at Alex and then spoke ALARTE ASCENDARE, causing Alex to launch up into the air. His eyes shut as he did it because he didn’t want to watch what he’d done to Alex. How he’d hurt his soulmate in every way possible.

“Just go. And never come near me or speak to me ever again.”

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

     how  had  they  become  this  ?  that  was  all  cassius  could  ask  as  james  openly  admitted  to  wanting  to  be  controlled.  things  could  have  turned  out  so  differently  if  james  had  decided  that  cassius  wasn’t  who  he  wanted  to  be  with.  they  could  still  be  fighting,  still  be  trying  to  see  who  was  going  to  break  who  first.  but  here  they  were,  &  cassius’  breath  was  turning  short  because  he’d  created  the  partner  he’d  always  wanted.  he  didn’t  care  if  it  was  a  man  or  a  woman  or  anything  else,  but  he  did  care  that  he  had  one.  someone  who  would  cater  to  his  whims,  someone  who  saw  him  as  a  god.  he’d  reached  that  point  &  he  saw  that  he  was  beginning  to  win,  the  next  step  in  his  plan  could  now  come  to  fruition  though  it  had  nothing  to  do  with  james.

       ❛  well  while  i’ve  made  you  want  to  see  me  in  action,  you’ve  made  me  want  to  see  you  naked  &  begging  for  all  sorts  of  things.  i  never  thought  i’d  find  someone  who  understood  the  way  you  do,  ❜  he  was  turned  on  now  beyond  control.  not  that  it  was  james’  fault,  but  it  certainly  was.  his  lips  pressed  against  his  again,  whatever  connection  they  had  was  intense  &  burned  faster  than  paper  to  flame.  cassius  could  admit  this  even  if  james  couldn’t.

           then  he  pulled  his  lips  away,  breathing  heavy.  ❛  fuck  you  for  getting  me  this  high,  i  feel  like  i’m  going  to  lose  control  if  you  let  me.  ❜  

It was as though they had become one now. They were no longer two separate people now. They worked together and James was entirely devoted to his other half. Cassius may have still had the upper hand but James was BEYOND caring now because he wanted to give everything he had to Cassius. He’d already given up his entire life for the man so it was practically impossible for him to go any further than this. But it would. He would take it so far until it drove him crazy for Cassius Wilkes. As he pulled back from the kiss, he stared into Cassius’ dark eyes, his own green ones inflicted with lust and a new found passion for this man.

“Yes, yes, fuck me,” James answered with a smirk, his lips parting as he continued to stare. It was as though he physically couldn’t pull his gaze away from Cassius. He was drawn to Cassius like a moth was drawn to a flame and if he wasn’t careful, he was going to get BURNED. “I’ll let you do anything, babe. Anything to me. And you know I’ll beg for you because you fucking LOVE IT.” James smirked because despite this relationship being the messiest one he’d ever experienced, he knew exactly what Cassius liked and how to wrap him around his pinkie finger, even for just a short time.

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

          cassius  WISHED  he  could  read  his  mind,  wished  he  could  understand  how  james  was  feeling,  not  just  what  he  was  showing.  but  that  was  something  he’d  not  yet  tried  to  learn,  not  attempted  to  master  even  though  he  assumed  most  great  wizards  could.  instead  he  worked  hard  on  understanding  what  james  was  telling  him  &  what  it  really  meant.  for  instance,  when  james  exclaimed  that  he  wanted  to  know  everything  about  cassius  he  had  to  pick  apart  that  statement  to  see  if  it  was  the  TRUTH.  but  from  what  he  could  tell  it  was.  there  was  no  time  for  them  to  second  guess  the  words  they  said  anymore.  so  his  lips  flipped  into  a  grin,  because  he  liked  talking  about  the  things  he  couldn’t  talk  about  with  anyone  else.

             ❛  you  know  .  .  .  you’re  the  only  person  i  LIKE  telling  me  what  to  do, ❜  he  murmured  as  his  fingers  moved  up  to  slide  into  james’  hair.  the  trick  was  to  make  this  as  sensual  an  explanation  of  MURDER  which  wouldn’t  be  too  difficult.  he  pulled  his  head  backwards,  lips  digging  against  his  throat  as  a  soft  groan  left  them.  did  james  really  think  he  could  get  away  from  this  without  a  mark  of  his  own  ?  soon  enough  cassius  pulled  back  &  sat  up  straighter,  eyes  connecting  with  the  ones  in  front  of  him.  ❛  a  person  who  you’re  about  to  kill  is  the  only  person  who  you  can  tell  your  darkest  secrets  to.  you  can  tell  them  everything  you’re  feeling  &  they  won’t  be  able  to  stop  you.  ❜  

            slowly,  he  slid  his  hand  out  of  james’  hair  then  wrapped  that  same  around  his  throat  before  he  could  do  anything  to  stop  him.  his  hand  tightened  but  he  kept  his  gaze  on  james.  ❛  i  like  to  think  it’s  exciting  for  the  victim  too.  will  they  live  ?  will  they  die  ?  they  slip  into  this  state  of  being  where  they’ll  do  anything  just  to  keep  their  life  in  tact  even  if  it’s  worthless.  sometimes  you  have  to  torture  them  until  they’ll  tell  you  the  things  you  want  to  hear,  other  times  the  mere  threat  of  death  will  loosen  people’s  tongues.  ❜  although  it  was  a  hard  motion  to  follow  through  on,  cassius  moved  in  such  a  way  that  he  could  easily  slam  james  onto  the  ground  below  them.  he  grinned  down  at  him,  insanity  playing  at  the  edges  of  his  smile  as  his  hand  bore  down  on  his  throat,  other  hand  petting  through  his  hair.  ❛  the  most  intimate  part  is  when  you  have  them  on  the  ground  like  this,  one  hand  on  your  wand,  the  other  on  their  throat.  because  as  soon  as  you  say  the  words  you  can  feel  the  life  drain  right  from  their  pulse.  then  you  know  you’ve  won,  &  winning  is  always  the  best  feeling  in  the  world. ❜  

              he  let  go  of  james’  throat  before  he  crashed  his  lips  down  against  his.  he  enjoyed  being  this  close  to  him,  feeling  the  heat  from  his  body.  he  even  enjoyed  being  outside  on  the  ground  with  him  pinned  under  him  &  he  craved  this  feeling  of  euphoria.  as  he  broke  the  kiss  he  kept  his  face  close  to  his,  ❛  if  you  ever  decide  you  want  to  we’ll  do  it  together.  it’s  been  ages  since  i’ve  been  able  to  get  my  hands  dirty. ❜

The only thing James realised throughout this entire encounter was that he wasn’t scared anymore. He knew already that he was no longer scared of Cassius but all potential fear that he still had festering underneath his suppressed emotions had completely faded away and had been replaced with some sort of feverish excitement. Every second, James could feel the CONTROL Cassius had over him -- from the mark on his neck to the way he was now on the floor underneath the man. He wanted him to have control over him and to dominate his every move when they were together. He was so enamoured by Cassius that by this point he’d allow the man to do anything to him. So when his hands were around his neck, he didn’t even protest and simply laid back, the way Cassius obviously wanted him to. He could put his entire trust in Cassius now. 

“I like telling you what to do. But I also like YOU telling ME what to do. I want you to control me.” He whined a little, his head tilting back to expose his neck and back arching ever so slightly as the noise left his lips. “I would happily be murdered by you if this is how you do it.” THAT was probably the most fucked up thing that had ever left his lips but he was strangely turned on. Was it just the drugs in his system making him feel this way? His cheeks were now pink with excitement as he stared at Cassius with darker eyes now. He should have been running but now he was yearning for more. Whatever the man was doing to him, he didn’t want him to stop. With his hands in his hair, his body on top of him and his lips on his mouth, James felt as though he was in heaven.

“You’ve kind of made me want to see you out on the field now,” James whispered to him, fingers pulling at his shirt to move the man closer to him -- even though it was fairly impossible to be in a closer proximity with him ON TOP of him. “I’ll answer your question another day but I’m beginning to understand now. Maybe I’ll never understand fully... but...” His hands moved to Cassius’ forehead before sliding back through his soft hair. “I’m slowly beginning to understand what’s in your head, I think. And I like it.”

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      as  soon  as  james  was  on  his  lap  he  knew  how  this  conversation  was  going  to  end.  they  were  going  to  wake  up  in  cassius’  bed  tangled  in  his  bed  sheets,  a  layer  of  sweat  between  them.  that  was  just  how  this  ended  now  &  although  he  was  older  he  couldn’t  say  he  regretted  his  decisions  to  wake  up  with  james  beside  him.  gaze  stayed  on  james,  breathing  turning  short  as  his  head  tipped  back  &  lips  were  pressed  against  his  neck.  cassius  didn’t  like  being  OWNED,  he  couldn’t  get  behind  the  idea  of  someone  being  above  him,  however  he  liked  the  feeling  of  james’  lips  sucking  at  his  neck  &  leaving  a  mark  behind.  in  the  morning  he’d  have  a  dark  purple  bruise,  showcasing  that  he’d  slept  with  someone.  the  only  question  everyone  would  have  was  WHO.  &  part  of  him  wanted  to  not  hide  it  just  so  people  would  talk  about  him.  

         but  then  came  into  question  james’  loyalty,  a  very  serious  matter  that  couldn’t  be  brushed  over  with  kisses  &  sex.  ❛  i  would.  but  not  just  for  me,  for  you  as  well.  you  think  you  can  do  all  of  the  things  i’ve  done  ?  you’ll  have  to  prove  it  to  me.  ❜  even  though  james  was  on  top  of  him,  cassius  knew  he  was  actually  the  one  who  was  always  in  control.  a  hand  ran  over  his  back  slowly  before  his  gaze  turned  upward,  nose  pressing  toward  james’.  ❛  i  can  tell  you  how  good  it  feels.  there’s  a  reason  people  do  it  &  it  isn’t  because  they’re  evil.  it’s  because  they  are  searching  for  a  feeling  that  can  get  them  higher  than  drugs  &  alcohol  &  sex  can.  ❜  

          though  cassius  wouldn’t  exactly  admit  to  it  he  liked  the  feeling  of  blood  between  his  fingers.  he  enjoyed  watching  as  he  took  the  lives  from  people  who  didn’t  deserve  to  have  them.  if  the  world  didn’t  have  rules,  everyone  would  be  killing  each  other  because  of  the  adrenaline  high  that  it  gave.  just  thinking  about  it  turned  him  on,  not  that  it  helped  that  he  was  high  with  a  pretty  boy  in  his  lap.  he’d  lied  to  james  when  he  said  he  hadn’t  killed  many  people;  as  an  auror  he  had  to  inflict  fatal  injuries  multiple  times.  occasionally  during  investigations  he  had  to  torture  then  kill  people  just  to  get  them  to  let  go  of  secrets.  he’d  been  GOOD  at  it,  because  he  knew  how  to  make  people  talk.  but  he  wasn’t  sure  james  was  ready  to  hear  about  all  of  the  ‘awful’  things  he’d  done.  ❛   unless  you’d  rather  never  know.  ❜  &  as  he  said  this  it  was  another  task,  another  dare,  &  with  it  came  his  lips  planting  to  james’  long  &  hard.

Could he really avoid this question? He was good at dodging and ducking around things he didn't want to deal with but he felt as thought Cassius would keep prodding him until he gave a real answer to his questions. Honestly, he wasn’t entirely sure how far he would go for the man. Evidently, he would hurt people he loved considering he hut ALEX of all people for Cassius. And this was only the beginning. As James got in deeper and deeper and became more corrupt, he knew he would be able to do worse things. But kill a person? Could he ever do that, even for Cassius?

“I don’t know if I could kill a person. That’s the truth. But I think I need to find a vice that’s not a substance before all this shit kills me first.” James knew he could easily become an addict. He got fixated on things and had a lack of self-control and over-indulged in EVERYTHING. Right now his fixation was on Cassius but who knew when it could flip and change. Hopefully never because he wanted Cassius to be his fixation forever. He would never get bored of him and he hoped Cassius would never get bored of him. But he knew that would only happen if James remained a good boy and did more and more for him. Was this question his way of telling him that one day James would have to kill to prove his worth?

James frowned because Cassius KNEW what the answer was going to be. As soon as he acted as though he was about to conceal some information, James needed to hear it and needed to know. He was tired of lies and secrets even if he was the King of Liars himself. Lies just came easily to him now and someone he didn’t even realise what he was saying until the words fell out of his lips. “Of course I want to fucking know. TELL ME. How does it really feel? And what shit have you done? I’m not going to run this time. I’m not moving.” He had an odd sense of deja vu now as this was where they were the first time Cassius told him the shit he’d done. But this time James wasn’t scared. He was intrigued and in an odd way, ready to be inspired and learn.  

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

       love  was  something  cassius  had  yet  to  recognize  as  an  emotion  he  could  feel,  but  james  was  close  to  getting  him  to.  although  james  was  younger  than  him,  less  intelligent,  immature,  cassius  was  open  to  the  fact  that  he  cared  about  him.  &  if  care  eventually  grew  into  love  then  he  was  fine  with  that.  his  tongue  slid  over  his  lips  slowly  as  they  felt  they  went  dry,  ❛   you  are  MINE,  ❜ he  stated.  his  voice  reached  down  into  a  grovel  as  he  spoke  these  words.  at  the  end  of  the  day  that  was  what  james  was.  maybe  he  didn’t  see  the  shackles  that  cassius  had  placed  around  his  wrists  but  they  were  there.

          the  marijuana  was  now  properly  in  effect  &  he  could  tell  because  everything  he  was  feeling  felt  more  INTENSE.  whenever  james  kissed  the  back  of  his  hand  it  was  like  he  could  tell  each  nerve  was  feeling  it.  their  kisses  felt  more  passionate  even  if  the  were  soft,  &  time  had  begun  to  melt.  a  smile  on  james’  face  was  more  than  just  a  smile,  it  made  cassius’  heartbeat  quicken  &  his  own  face  contort  into  a  smile  as  well.  ❛  i'm  glad  you’re  not  scared  of  me,  of  us.  fuck  i  wanted  to  scream  whenever  you  were  afraid.  i  usually  would  like  that  feeling,  seeing  people  scared  of  me  might  turn  me  on,  but  not  you.  ‘cause  i  really  fucking  care  about  you.  ❜  this  was  when  he  was  being  himself,  when  he  stopped  being  proper  with  words  &  allowed  curse  words  to  flow  out  from  his  lips.  it  was  clear  he  was  relaxed  at  this  point,  glad  to  just  be  here  in  the  middle  of  the  woods  with  james  by  his  side.

             then  he  was  quiet  for  a  moment.  he  listened  to  the  crackle  of  the  logs  on  the  fire  &  to  the  soft  whir  of  the  cool  wind  around  them.  he’d  never  really  thought  of  how  much  he  enjoyed  the  winter,  but  he  thought  it  might  be  his  favourite  season.  &  while  he  thought  about  this  he  began  to  think  of  dark  things  that’d  happened  to  him  during  the  winter,  things  that  changed  him  into  the  person  he  now  was.  gaze  turned  back  to  james  as  he  asked  a  simple  question,  ❛  you  would  do  anything  for   me.  but  would  you  KILL  for  me  ?  to  gain  power  you  sometimes  have  to  draw  blood. ❜

Those words sent chills down his spine and his lips parted as he allowed their noses to bump together softly, their lips close but not quite touching as he smiled. The moment was SO intimate -- more than anything ever had been between the two of them before. It was as though literal sparks were appearing between the two of them with every touch and every look. It was easy for him to romanticise the possessive words when he was this infatuated. He didn’t notice that James had basically SOLD himself to Cassius and was in his captivity. All he could see was a man he loved and would lay down his entire life for. James was a whirlwind of a movie but when the curtains closed and it ended, he’d only fall and come crashing down to the ground.

A snap decision was made and James scooted himself onto Cassius’ lap, deciding that this was obviously the best way to keep themselves warm -- and the best angle for him to snog him. All he wanted to do when he was under the influence was intimacy, which was how he had ended up sleeping with so many men. He wasn’t even ashamed that he became even more of a hoe when he was like this. “I’m such a slutty drunk,” James giggled, as though he were a school girl. Fingers touched warm skin and traced his cheeks until they pushing Cassius’ head back so he could kiss his neck, contemplating leaving his mark there to claim the man as his own. James needed the entire world to know that Cassius was TAKEN even if he couldn’t shout it out to the world that it was by him. 

Pulling back, he smiled, satisfied with his work and touched the fresh mark as he stared at him. “Not anymore. You can’t scare me anymore. You’ve shown me too much of yourself and I’ve realised I’m just like you. I can do the things you’ve done. ANYTHING.” Now a switch had flipped inside of James, he realised that he probably COULD do anything the man asked. He had nothing to lose. If he did say no, he would risk losing the people he was protecting so he knew he had no choice. “Would you ask me to kill for you?” he asked softly as he leaned closer again, close enough so Cassius would be able to feel his breath on his cheeks.

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      then  cassius  realised  the  gravity  of  their  situation.  he’d  not  really  commanded  james  to  break  up  with  alexander,  but  it  added  to  the  reason  he  allowed  james  close.  he  gazed  at  james  with  a  new  regard,  he’d  given  up  EVERYTHING  to  be  with  cassius,  &  now  it  was  cassius’  turn  to  give  up  a  few  things  to  be  with  him.  ❛  sometimes  i  know  i  can  be  childish.  it  hurt  me  to  know  you  wouldn’t  just  be  MINE  despite  how  hard  i  tried.  but  here  we  are  &  you’ve  given  up  so  much  for  me.  ❜ their  hands  were  laced  together  by  this  point  so  he  gently  squeezed  at  his  hand.  ❛  so  tell  me  what  you  WANT  from  me,  not  just  what  you  need.  ❜  because  cassius  realised  he  was  acting  so  kind  because  he  WAS  happy.  james  made  him  better.

       cassius  tossed  aside  the  end  of  the  blunt  that  he’d  be  smoking,  stepping  it  into  the  ground  before  gazing  at  james.  the  marijuana  had  helped  calm  him.  he  took  a  second  joint  from  their  pile  &  twisted  it  in  his  fingers  before  grinning  at  james.  ❛  you  know  that  i  know  you  find  it  hot  whenever  i’m  smoking  in  the  first  place,  i  learned  how  to  do  all  sorts  of  wandless magic  just  to  impress  people.  i’m  particularly  good  with  fire  magic  at  the  end  of  the  day.  all  you  have  to  do  is  feel  the  flame,  sort  of  imagine  it,  then  picture  it  where  you  want  it  to  be,  &  with  enough  practice  you’ll  be  able  to  just  get  your  cigarettes  or  whatever  else  to  light.  ❜ he  snapped  his  fingers  as  he  lit  the  joint,  but  as  he  pulled  the  smoke  through  &  blew  it  out  he  offered  the  second  drag  of  it  to  james.  he  liked  sharing  joints  more  than  having  them  to  himself.

         then  he  laughed,  maybe  the  first  good  laugh  he’d  laughed  in  a  while.  ❛  i  think  maybe  one  more  &  i’ll  be  high  enough  to  have  all  sorts  of  good  conversations.  ❜  he  knew  what  they  needed  to  talk  about  .  .  .  where  did  they  go  from  here  ?  but  he  knew  what  he  wanted  to  talk  about.  ❛  i  wanted  to  talk  about  how  much  i  fucking  adore  you.  have  i  ever  told  you  that  before  ?  you’re  absolutely  stunning.  i’ve  never  met  someone  with  so  much  potential,  or  someone  so  devoted.  i’m  LUCKY  to  have  you  by  my  side  &  i’m  more  than  happy.  everything  that  you’ve  done  .  .  .  we’re  going  to  change  the  fucking  world  &  no  one  knows  it.  ❜

It was that moment that he realised just how desperate he was for Cassius’ affection. He had pushed everyone away and hurt himself and those he loved just so he could be with the man. This infatuation he had with him was dangerous and harmful but he was in far too deep now and there was no going back. If Cassius rejected him now then he would be completely isolated and broken. The man next to him had the power to destroy his entire life and all it would take was a few words. Looking down at their intertwined fingers, he lifted them up so he could press a warm kiss onto to back of Cassius’ hand. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me as much as I love them. I want YOU to love me the way I love you. Don’t just say it because you feel you have to. Say it when you mean it.” He looked up at Cassius, green eyes boring into the other’s. “I just want to be YOURS.”

Finally, his serious expression slowly morphed into a smile again and he put a hand on his face, looking somewhat abashed. “You DO. You’re attractive enough anyway but watching you smoke just does things to me. The wandless magic is just some pretty cool shit. And definitely impresses me.” He leant up and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss, the faint taste of marijuana on his lips, and then took his joint and stuck it between his lips as he watched Cassius. “What happened to not chain-smoking, HUH?” he asked cheekily, elbow nudging into the older man.

Then suddenly, the biggest smile graced his lips and he realised that THIS was the happiest he had felt for the longest time. His heart flipped over and his smile turned dopier because he was fairly sure they had never had this conversation before. Had they ever had a real conversation about feelings? It had just been sex and revelations and rarely anything this soft. James decided that he liked Cassius when he was high and couldn't wait until the effects of the second joint had kicked in. “I don’t think you ever have told me. Not like this anyway.” His eyes were practically heart shaped now as he stared at Cassius and he laughed for no other reason than PURE HAPPINESS. “I’m excited about our future. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m not scared anymore. We can do so many amazing things together.”

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      but  he  knew  james  was  lying  to  him.  he  didn’t  drink  because  of  the  cold,  he  drank  because  he  wanted  to  feel  numb.  cassius  supposed  that  people  like  james  had  to  turn  off  their  emotions  once  in  a  while,  but  what  james  didn’t  know  was  cassius  had  too  many  as  well.  constantly  he  was  fighting  between  emotions,  searching  for  his  feelings  &  attempting  to  not  be  upset  whenever  his  emotions  didn’t  play  into  his  favour.  but  he  didn’t  respond  to  james’  statement  either,  instead  just  gave  him  a  soft  sad  smile.  ❛  you  need  to  stop  being  so  afraid  of  what  i’m  going  to  think  about  what  happened,  you  know  ?  how  are  you  going  to  have  any  confidence  in  yourself  if  you  can’t  even  have  confidence  in  the  things  you  tell  me  ?  ❜  

         their  knees  were  pressed  together,  his  arm  was  still  steadily  wrapped  around  james.  he  was  proud  of  him,  for  using  his  anger  through  magic,  but  knew  that  james  was  terrified  of  the  magic  that  shot  out  of  his  wand.  ❛  in  time  i’ll  show  you  not  to  be  as  volatile  when  it  comes  to  your  emotions  &  magic,  but  for  now  i’m  proud  of  you.  it  takes  strength  to  be  able  to  do  what  you  did,  it  shows  you’re  growing  as  a  person  &  a  wizard.  ❜ but  he  realised  james  didn’t  want  to  talk.  even  if  they  NEEDED  to,  he  still  wanted  something  else,  &  for  now  cassius  was  in  a  good  enough  mood  to  give  it  to  him.

           ❛  who  needs  drugs  like  those  when  we  have  each  other,  babe  ?  ❜ it  wasn’t  that  he  was  disgusted  with  the  idea  but  rather  that  he  needed  james  to  start  relying  more  heavily  on  him  instead  of  on  substances.  his  hand  moved  from  his  back  &  up  toward  his  cheek.  he  didn’t  want  sex,  not  really,  not  now.  instead  he  was  going  to  give  james  a  taste  of  what  could  happen  later.  though  he  was  apathetic  toward  their  situation  he  still  showed  a  bit  of  eagerness  as  he  pressed  his  lips  to  james’.  the  kiss  was  something  to  prove  that  he  was  giving  james  what  he  wanted  while  also  still  maintaining  control  of  their  situation.  he  could  taste  the  cigarettes  &  the  alcohol  upon  james’  lips  &  as  he  pulled  away  he  gave  him  a  gaze  that  was  more  or  less  sympathetic.  

          he  raised  his  head  away  &  gazed  off  into  the  forest,  hand  coming  down  over  james’.  ❛  i  wish  you  didn’t  drink  so  much,  i  can’t  tell  if  you  want  to  fuck  or  if  you  want  to  smoke  &  talk  about  the  world  whenever  you’re  like  this.  ❜  but  cassius  was  halfway  through  his  own  joint  at  this  point  &  he  could  feel  that  fuzziness  of  the  mind  creeping  up  on  him.  he  wondered  what  it  would  be  like  to  be  drunk  right  now,  &  he  thought  maybe  it  wouldn’t  be  so  bad  to  follow  james’  example  just  for  a  night.

James moved his head so he could look at Cassius, a small frown on his face. “You got mad at me every time I said I’m in love with Alex so now I don’t want to say it anymore. I broke up with him and now I don’t want to love him anymore so you SHOULD be happy. Please be happy with me. I’m doing EVERYTHING you’ve asked me to do.” There was a somewhat desperate plea in his tone because, despite everything, he just wanted to keep Cassius happy. Sure, most of the time he felt and acted as though the entire world revolved around himself but if he didn’t keep Cassius happy then all of this would have been for nothing. He was going to do everything Cassius told him to do and they were going to rule the world together and everything would be FINE. They would be happy. 

He nodded slowly and finally removed his hand from Cassius’ thigh and put it on his arm instead, rubbing it up and down as he looked at the man. “Yeah. I wanna learn how to get better. And I want to learn how to wandlessly light a fag because THAT was smooth as fuck.” He grinned and then kissed him back, realising that he could now kiss the man without feeling guilty. Nothing could stop them being together anymore. It didn’t even matter if people found out about the two of them because Cassius was powerful enough to stop anything bad from happening. Cassius was HIS and he belonged to Cassius and that was how it was going to be forevermore. The words I love you were on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t want to say them out loud -- not now. It could wait.

The kiss ended but he didn’t want it to. He wanted to keep pressing kisses over Cassius’ entire body until he’d loved every inch of his skin the way he wanted to. He WAS the only drug he needed -- however, Cassius was far more addictive and dangerous than anything he could ever take. “I can’t tell whether I want to fuck or smoke or talk either, babe. Can’t we do all three? I’ll sit on your dick while we smoke and talk.” He laughed and then moved back into Cassius’ side, deciding to lace their fingers together because he ALWAYS felt more content when they were holding hands. There was just something about the simple act that made him feel more settled and at ease with the other. “What did you want to talk about? Are you high enough to have a good conversation yet?”

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

          james  was  someone  cassius  was  still  figuring  out  &  it  pained  him  to  admit  it.  he  couldn’t  understand  how  one  day  he  could  be  talking  like  he  was  the  most  advanced  &  well  adapted  wizard  in  the  world  then  turn  into  whatever  was  currently  sitting  beside  him.  whatever  untapped  potential  he  held  he  always  seemed  to  throw  it  away  PURPOSEFULLY.  but  cassius  didn’t  mention  that  now,  not  while  he  could  feel  the  way  james  was  testing  &  challenging  him  with  their  situation.  as  james  laid  his  head  down  on  cassius’  shoulder  he  moved  to  kiss  the  top  of  his  head  softly.  though  cassius  was  a  man  of  great  passion,  he  knew  when  he  needed  to  be  calm  &  sensitive.  now  was  one  of  those  times.

       ❛  i  know  whatever  happened  was  hard  for  you,  ❜ cassius  began  as  he  looked  at  the  grin  that  fitted  falsely  upon  james’  features.  ❛  why  else  would  you  be  drinking  yourself  into  a  stupor  &  smoking  like  it’s  the  1970s  ?  ❜ since  james  didn’t  look  like  he  was  going  to  be  the  first  one  starting  their  adventures  in  the  art  of  reefer,  cassius  slipped  one  of  the  joints  between  his  fingers.  he’d  become  good  enough  at  wandless  magic  at  this  point  that  he  could  light  the  tip  of  anything  on  fire  with  not  even  the  flick  of  a  wrist.  he  settled  the  thing  between  his  lips  as  it  began  to  burn  &  inhaled  slowly.  he  exhaled,  watched  as  the  smoke  travelled  into  the  air.  

            ❛  you  loved  him  .  .  .  still  LOVE  him,  &  i  understand  that.  i  can’t  expect  you  to  just  stop  feeling  things  because  i’ve  told  you  to.  maybe  it  was  selfish  of  me,  to  beg  you  to  be  all  mine,  but  believe  me  when  i  say  it  means  a  great  deal  to  me  that  you’ve  let  me  in  this  much.  &  whatever  you  need,  whether  it  be  drugs  or  potions  or  even  alcohol,  i’ll  make  sure  you  have  it.  but  you  don’t  have  to  hide  how  you’re  feeling  just  because  you  think  it’s  going  to  make  you  seem  weak.  one  of  the  wisest  boys  i  know  told  me  once  that  it  feels  nice  to  cry  sometimes,   ❜ but  cassius  was  well  aware  that  james  had  already  been  crying.  for  how  long  he  wasn’t  sure  but  no  amount  of  drugs  or  alcohol  could  hide  the  stains  of  tears  on  his  cheeks.  cassius  offered  him  a  small  smile  before  taking  another  long  drag  from  the  joint  he’d  lit.  he  wanted  to  be  what  james  needed,  &  he’d  work  to  figure  out  what  that  meant.

As his head was kissed, his smiled turned softer but more genuine as he responded by pressing a small kiss to his jawline. He wasn’t really sure what version of Cassius he would get today but he wasn’t expecting THIS version. In all honesty, he was half-expecting him to be angry for falling back on substances again when things had gone shitty. Sure, the man sat next to him had actually introduced him to something he was admittedly addicted to but that was irrelevant. Ignoring what he said, he breathed in the familiar scent of weed as he watched Cassius wandlessly light the joint, green eyes curiously staring as he remembered how attractive the man looked when he smoked. “I figured,” he finally said in a slow and careful voice as it became more of a challenge to put together a coherent sentence as the alcohol was catching up to him. “That if I drank loads, then I wouldn’t need to wear a jacket. Because alcohol makes me warm and jackets are annoying.”

His grin faltered a little because YES, he had loved Alex but he was trying too hard to act as though he was already over him around Cassius. Cassius didn’t like that he was in love with Alexander so why was he talking about it now? Was this a trick? To give his sluggish brain time to think, he slowly placed a joint between his lips and lit it with his wand, wishing he could do it as smoothly as Cassius did but he knew it would happen all in good time. “That wise boy was referring to people like you who act as though they have no emotions. Not people like me who have TOO MANY.” Breathing out the smoke, he glanced at Cassius with slightly dilated eyes and then moved his spare hand onto his knee as their legs pressed together. 

“I hurt him. Physically. I don’t know how badly, but...” He trailed off, unsure of what else to say. “I lost my temper and just exploded again. Like I did with you. At least it got rid of him.” James sniffed but he hoped that Cassius would just assume it was because of the cold weather. His ears perked up at his other words though and he actually looked a little mischievous again. “Are you saying that you’ll smuggle me in drugs? If you can get something stronger than this then we’ll be having a whale of a time and won’t need to take over the fucking world.” He laughed and then allowed his hand to drift further up his leg, tentatively moving closer and closer to his inner thigh. It wasn’t as though he wanted sex out here but he was happy to initiate something, especially as alcohol and weed ALWAYS got him in the mood. Maybe they needed to talk but James was always better at talking with his hands even though his mouth never stopped.

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      whatever  james  was  drunk  on  was  really  starting  to  effect  him  &  cassius  could  tell.  but  he  wound  up  giving  the  boy  the  slightest  of  smiles.  somehow,  even  though  james  could  make  him  the  ANGRIEST  man  in  the  world,  he  could  also  make  him  smile  as  soon  as  he  said  something  endearing  at  all.  ❛  well  i’m  glad  i  have  you  as  a  mentor  on  the  finer  things  in  life  then.  ❜  he  was  playing  with  james’  words,  following  the  punches  because  it  was  the  only  way  he  could  keep  in  james’  good  graces.  cassius  didn’t  know  how  he  always  found  james,  half  the  time  there  were  lucky  guesses,  the  other  half  it  was  like  they  were  pulled  together  by  some  force  of  nature.  but  cassius’  lips  upturned  into  a  coy  smile.  ❛  didn’t  you  know  i  have  a  crystal  ball  that  warns  me  whenever  you  NEED  me  ?  ❜ but  then  james  was  gone,  heading  off  just  like  cassius  had  said  to.

       it  took  him  a  good  while  to  meet  up  with  james,  mainly  because  he  had  to  go  back  to  his  office.  he  put  on  his  trenchcoat  then  remembered  the  bag  full  of  marijuana  in  his  pocket.  he  pulled  it  out  &  gazed  at  it  before  he  began  to  break  it  into  pieces  on  his  desk.  even  though  he  genuinely  hadn’t  smoked  the  stuff  since  his  days  at  school  but  he  still  remembered  how  to  roll  it.  if  anything,  JAMES  would  be  happy.  he  settled  the  joints  in  his  pocket  before  putting  gloves  on  &  heading  out  toward  the  forest.

         he  smelled  james  before  he  got  to  the  spot,  the  cigarette’s  fumes  drifting  through  the  air.  yet  another  poison  he  was  pumping  into  his  body.  before  he  spoke  at  all  he  put  a  proper  protection  spell  on  the  area  around  them,  that  way  they  wouldn’t  be  interrupted.  then  he  lit  the  fire  for  them  before  settling  beside  james  on  the  log.  he  stayed  silent  at  first,  he  honestly  didn’t  want  to  ask  james  what  was  wrong  but  knew  he  had  to.  not  that  it’d  be  a  chore  to  find  out,  but  rather  that  he  wasn’t  sure  he’d  like  the  answer.  so  he  reached  into  his  pocket  &  pulled  out  the  joints  he’d  rolled,  offering  them  in  his  gloved  palm  to  james.  ❛  don’t  chain  smoke  them  or  anything,  but  hopefully  they’re  good  enough  for  you. ❜  then,  without  asking  permission  or  anything  like  that,  cassius  wrapped  an  arm  around  james  slowly.  he  assumed  he’d  tell  him  what  was  the  matter  when  he  was  READY  to.

As James heard the sound of footsteps on the ground, crunching the icy, grey February snow still left on the ground from Christmas, he looked up. James wasn’t even wearing a jacket but he wasn’t cold. Between his cigarette and the alcohol levels in his body, he felt positively warm even though he knew that soon he’d be shivering violently but by then he’d have Cassius to warm him up. A cocky smiled reached his face as he looked at the man and he stubbed out his cigarette on the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees. He was back to being irritating, cheeky and obnoxious, the way he was last year before all this shit happened. He was TIRED of being an over-emotional wreck so he was now back to his default mood, as annoying as it was. If Cassius was good enough, then maybe he could break him out of it. It was another challenge between them that neither of them were aware of.

“BABE, are you hotboxing us in? You’re fucking good at this already.” He laughed but the sound stopped quickly once Cassius was beside him. He wasn’t sure whether he was more surprised that he’d prepared some joints or had chosen to put an arm around him so James silently moved his chin onto his shoulder and breathed in his familiar scent. He’d been with so many different boys that he had actually lost count and if he closed his eyes and kept his mind blank, then Cassius was just another number. Just another boy that he’d fucked and left behind. He took what he needed from people and dropped them when they were no longer any use to him. And Alex was just an extreme version of that. James had a different boy to play with, so he no longer needed Alexander, right?

“I’m impressed. For someone who claims to be inexperienced in the art of weed, you’ve done a good job.” James took the rolled joints from him and clutched them between his fingertips, deciding to give himself a few more minutes before he started on the next substance. It was evident that Cassius wanted him to speak about why he was in such a state, so he obeyed. He didn’t even need to be asked. “So, guess who’s single and ready to mingle like a pringle with Cassius-ingle?” Laughter burst out of his lips again at his stupid words and he grinned up at Cassius. “I’m all yours, baby. Just like you wanted.” The words were lighthearted and friendly but underneath there was a subtle bitter tone to them, as though he was challenging Cassius to point it out. 

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      there  was  something  wrong,  &  cassius  was  not  new  to  something  being  wrong  when  it  came  to  james.  however,  this  was  a  different  sort  of  wrong,  because  he  could  tell  that  james  looked  mildly  insane  &  like  he’d  just  done  something  he  regretted.  while  cassius  couldn’t  be  around  james  constantly  to  watch  the  decisions  he  made  he  wished  that  he  could.  because  the  boy  was  known  to  make  terrible  ones  when  not  guided  correctly.   at  least  he’d  been  lucky  enough  to  be  in  the  corridor  because  as  much  as  it  seemed  like  he  didn’t  he  still  had  a  JOB  to  do.  lucky  for  james  he’d  run  into  him  instead  of  another  professor  like  longbottom  or  mcgonagall  because  they’d  probably  send  him  straight  to  detention  at  the  first  chance  they  got.

          lips  pressed  into  a  small  line  as  he  regarded  james,  then  he  gazed  down  at  the  bag  that’d  been  settled  in  his  palm.  of  course  he’d  SEEN  the  substance  before,  but  whether  he’d  used  it  or  not;  well  that  was  up  to  the  imagination  of  others  because  he’d  never  admit  to  it  if  he  had.  ❛  here  to  return  the  favour  by  already  being  high  yourself  i  see. ❜ but  nevertheless  he  slipped  the  bag  into  his  pocket,  because  he  knew  damn  well  even  if  he  hadn’t  ever  been  high  before  he  was  going  to  be  tonight  right  next  to  james.  ❛  i've  not  been  high  before,  no.  i  never  had  the  time  to  try  it  out,  but  maybe  the  woods  would  be  a  good  place  to  test  it  out.  ❜  as  much  as  he  was  wanting  to  stay  in  the  warmth  he  KNEW  that  james  probably  didn’t  want  to  be  held  in  his  small  office  &  his  small  room.  the  next  best  place  was  their  new  spot  &  with  enough  spells  cassius  could  help  make  it  more  of  a  place  of  protection  &  secrecy.

           ❛  we’ll  talk  more  there,  that  is  if  you  WANT  to.  ❜  as  much  as  cassius  wanted  to  be  more  open  with  james,  he  had  to  do  so  in  secrecy.  in  the  hallway  where  the  WALLS  talked  wasn’t  exactly  a  good  place.  &  if  something  awful  had  happened  he  wanted  to  protect  james  from  it  but  needed  a  secluded  place  to  do  so.  he  only  hoped  james  would  take  the  hint  &  head  on  without  him.  they  couldn’t  be  seen  together  as  much  as  they  had  been  as  of  late,  but  it  didn’t  mean  they  couldn’t  BE  together  just  as  often.

James gasped as he regarded the answer he got from the man. “NEVER? How could you reach the ripe age of thirty-one and have NEVER been high? You’re missing out on important milestones in life and I’m here to help you achieve that.” It was as though he’d done a full circle and had gone back to his ridiculous dramatic-self -- yet this time he seemed more manic and exaggerated than usual. A cocky cover up for his insecurities was now an insane cover up for how broken and lost he felt inside. Cassius wasn’t smiling but that could mean anything with him. Maybe he was tired of having to deal with a boy who always had some drama happening in his life but Cassius was all he had left now and he couldn’t let him leave him. James actually NEEDED him. 

“Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Can’t stink out your office, can we? Everyone will guess all the bad things we do if your place stinks of Mary Jane.” He laughed even though he had no idea what he was laughing at but he supposed it was now the insane consumption of alcohol beginning to catch up with him. At this rate, he’d probably be vomiting it back up again by the time he reached their secret spot. “Of course, I want to. I was looking for you but you found me first. You always find me first. How do you do that?” His eyebrows knitted together but he got the inkling that he needed to leave first because they were beginning to spend so much time together it was probably suspicious to anyone who paid attention. ALEX used to pay attention. 

Before his heart could crack open and bleed again, he turned and wrapped his arms around his body and walked off without saying another word. They had plenty of time to talk together. He was glad that he hadn’t bumped into any other professors because he wasn’t ready for someone like McGonagall or Longbottom to inform his parents why he was drunk as fuck on a Tuesday afternoon. At least Cassius would be proud of what he had done even though the aftermath was messy. HE would be happy he’d left and attacked Alex even if it was tearing James apart. But he didn’t want to be broken anymore. He wanted to be strong like Cassius so as he sat there on a log and waited for Cassius to catch up with him, James lit himself a cigarette and tried to flatten his hair as an attempt to look saner again.

[jamiepottcr]

After Alex had left the room. James had spent the last hour sitting on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. He had no idea how his life had become such a mess -- even though deep down he knew it all boiled down to the sequence of shitty life choices he’d made since September -- and now things had taken a turning point and he’d snapped. And this time no one was here to hold him while he cried, so he held himself as he sobbed and screamed until he couldn’t breathe anymore. Leaving and hurting Alex had been his breaking point and now he just wanted to stop feeling anything anymore.

So he reached for the only thing he knew how to -- alcohol and drugs. Conviniently there was still firewhisky from the last time he was here so he began to down the liquid until his throat screamed at him to stop. He knew he needed to stop drinking execcessively, especially when he couldn’t handle all the things happening in his life but he didn’t care right now. Half of the bottle was gone within minutes and he knew it wouldn’t take very long for the effects to hit him, HARD. Lying back on the floor, he lit a blunt and closed his eyes as he smoked it, allowing the final few tears to trickle down his cheeks. His life was a messy web of lies and broken promises and it all came down to one person. CASSIUS WILKES.

Suddenly sitting back up, he knew what he had to do. He needed to see the man and tell him that he now owned James. Because he did. Everything he did was for Cassius now. He was definitely a bit drunk and a little bit high as he left the room, although these days he was fairly sure that he was ALWAYS a little bit drunk and a little bit high. As he stepped along the corridors, his fingers absently ran along the walls as he hummed to himself and ignore the snide comments from the portraits his fingers brushed over. But surprisingly he bumped into the one person he was looking for. He was always THERE. “Professor Wilkes.” His voice was surprisingly sober sounding considering how under the influence he currently was.

Despite his cheeks still being stained with tears and his eyes bright red and glassy from the combination of drugs, alcohol and crying, he grinned at the man before him, the smile moreinsane looking rather than mischievious like it usually was. Stepping forward, his hand slipped into his pocket to clasp the bag of weed in his hand and then his finger slowly trailed down Cassius’ arm until reached his hand, clasping their hands together and interlocking their fingers for a brief moment as he passed the drugs onto him and then pulled away. “You’re my favourite professor and you do SO much for me, so I’m here to return the favour. Have you ever been high, prof?”

@willkes

[jamiepottcr]

willkes:

      while  cassius  wasn’t  sure  if  it  was  possible  to  like  james  any  more  than  he  did,  the  comfort  he  received  from  him  changed  his  mind.  every  day,  he  found  something  new  to  like  about  james,  &  every  day  he  found  something  new  to  hate.  they  were  kissing  &  talking  like  nothing  had  happened,  like  they  had  always  been  able  to  be  together  in  this  way,  &  cassius  hoped  one  day  it  would  always  be  like  this.  which  was  a  strange  hope,  because  he’d  always  seen  himself  alone  sitting  on  his  throne,  not  with  someone  beside  him.  lips  slowly  moved  into  a  smile  as  he  gazed  at  james,  searching  for  the  meaning  of  whatever  this  was  in  those  big  green  eyes.  

          ❛  i  think  you  got  what  you  wanted,  &  i  got  what  i  wanted.  because  even  though  you’ve  not  directly  said  it  i  get  to  be  the  person  who  gets  to  say  that  james  potter  is  in  love  with  ME.  so  if  the  students  of  hogwarts  weren’t  jealous  before,  i’d  say  they’re  jealous  now.  ❜ he  moved  to  kiss  him  himself  at  this  point,  because  he’d  sprinkle  him  with  kisses  for  as  long  as  he  could  if  it  meant  showing  that  he  wasn’t  EVIL.  he  was  the  change  the  world  needed,  he  just  wanted  james  to  agree.  

          ❛  you  realise  you’re  saying  you’ll  do  anything  for  the  person  you  were  just  comparing  to  an  evil  dictator  don’t  you  ?  ❜ but  he  knew  he  had  him  now.  they  were  going  to  change  the  world  together  &  whenever  things  went  south  &  cassius  had  to  begin  to  reveal  identities  of  people  on  HIS  side  he  would  be  able  to  reveal  james  as  one  of  them.  he  didn’t  think  james  was  ready  for  what  he  would  spark;  chaos.  people  would  realise  that  someone   they  always  thought  was  good  was  on  the  side  of  someone  else  &  in  realising  that  they  might  begin  to  see  within  themselves  that  cassius  was  the  right  person  to  follow.  in  time,  he  would  explain  this  to  james,  but  for  now  he  had  to  play  more  into  the  fact  that  this  was  about  their  relationship,  not  about  the  leadership  role  that  james  would  eventually  come  in  to  contact  with.  ❛  i’m  going  to  start  confiding  in  you  more,  i  promise,  i  just  hope  it  doesn’t  go  the  way  this  did.  because  as  much  as  i  care  about  you  there’s  only  so  much  i  can  handle  before  i  snap.  i  can  feel  things  breaking  inside  of  me  slowly,  with  each  weakness  i  let  out  the  more  i’m  able  to  release  my  anger  &  snap  out  at  people.  i  don’t  know  if  that’s  a  good  or  bad  thing,  but  i  know  it’s  a  scary  one.  ❜  

            then  he  paused  to  take  a  breath  before  dipping  his  forehead  to  press  it  against  james’.  this  was  calming  for  him,  allowed  him  to  breathe.   ❛  you  cry  because  i’m  pretty  ?  i  thought  you  were  supposed  to  be  the  best  flirt  at  hogwarts.  ❜ he  joked  softly,  lips  moving  into  a  smile  again.

“People should be jealous because YOU only want ME. All the students who flutter their eyelashes at you like I used to would be crying if they knew. And all the girls who pine after me would be, too.” As big as his ego was, he also wasn’t stupid as he SAW all the girls that fell about blushing and giggling whenever he walked into a room. He still didn’t understand why when he’d made it explicitly clear that he only wanted to snog boys but they were persistent. He also saw all the students who giggled over Cassius and it made him smile that Cassius had chosen HIM. 

The kisses were strangely soft but James wasn’t complaining because sometimes he did want soft and sweet. He enjoyed the gentle moments like this as much as he enjoyed the passion between them. His face was lit up with a wide smile when Cassius moved back from the kiss and he couldn’t resist leaning in for one more peck. He wanted to scream to the world that he loved this man but he couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe one day he could if Cassius reached where he wanted to be because how could anyone say anything bad about them when they were on top of the world?

A giggle left his lips as his hands gripped Cassius’ cheeks and their noses bumped together. “YES. James Potter, the son of the good war hero Harry Potter, would do anything for the next evil dominator of the world. Who would have thought?” He wanted to kiss him again so he did. Again and again. He was consumed with joy as he ignored everything around him and focused solely on his feelings for Cassius. If Cassius wasn’t who he was then James knew they could be so happy together. He knew what a great power couple they would be. “Maybe I shouldn’t force things out of you but I kind of need to be kept in the loop now. No secrets. I’ll tell you everything if you do the same for me.” He pulled back and looked at Cassius sincerely as he needed him to know that he was being serious right now. He did want to confide everything to Cassius and he really hoped the other was the same. And suddenly his features crinkled into a laugh once more. “Being the best flirt doesn’t mean I can’t cry over pretty boys, babe.”

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

      people  had  warned  him,  even  james  had  warned  him.  there  were  so  many  warning  signs  but  so  many  words  that  were  being  tossed  at  him  from  james’  side.  he  really  believed  that  james  had  loved  him.  there  were  so  many  emotions  in  his  heart  &  he’d  always  thought  that  they  were  supposed  to  be  together.  he  got  angry  whenever  he  watched  james  put  the  cigarette  to  his  lips.  could  he  not  even  have  this  conversation  with  him  off  the  influence  of  something  ?  his  lips  quivered  as  he  tried  to  respond,  ❛  i  don’t  .  .  .  i  don’t  want  to  believe  you.  i  thought  you  loved  me  for  real.  i  saw  me  getting  to  meet  your  family,  i  saw  you  meeting  my  mum  &  her  having  a  heart  attack  or  something  because  i  of  all  people  was  with  james  potter.  &  she  was  going  to  see  you  just  the  way  i  did.  i  thought  maybe  i  could  see  you  be  a  professional  quidditch  player  like  you  wanted  &  i  could  be  a  healer  on  the  team  or  something.  ❜  

          he  tried  to  push  away  the  tears  that  came  too  fast.  he  was  like  a  twelve  year  old  writing  his  crush’s  name  on  their  binders  because  he  remembered  thinking  that  alexander  potter  didn’t  seem  like  too  bad  a  name.  but  now  his  crush  was  telling  him  that  he  was  stupid,  that  any  love  he  thought  there  was  between  them  was  false.  he  was  so  confused,  so  hurt,  he  thought  maybe  the  kindness  would  stop  him  from  making  a  terrible  decision.  even  though  he’d  been  told  to  stay  far  away  he  didn’t  want  to  believe  he’d  been  fooled  for  so  long.  he  had  to  work  on  all  of  the  courage  he  had  to  head  across  the  room  right  for  james.

          hand  moved  outward  to  take  his  wrist  in  his  hand  &  he  looked  at  james  dead  in  the  eye.  his  own  eyes  were  red  from  crying  &  he  could  barely  focus  on  james  at  this  point.  ❛  is  somebody  making  you  do  this  ?  or  is  this  you  ?  i  thought  i  knew  you,  i  thought  i  saw  things  other  people  didn’t  see.  if  you  actually  hated  me  you  wouldn’t  want  me  to  stay  away  from  you,  you’d  be  begging  for  me  to  stay  close  so  you  could  hurt  me  more.  ❜

His lips parted as Alex spoke and he wished the boy would STOP. Maybe he could do what Cassius did and put a silencing charm on him but listening to his words just tore his heart open even more because James had also imagined a future together. A future where he could be in a normal relationship and have a good career with a boyfriend he supported. A future he could have had if he took up Cassius’ offer but James didn’t. He chose Cassius and it was too late to go back now. He wouldn’t have been happy if he forgot Cassius because his family and Alex would have all been killed. 

“None of that is going to happen. It wasn’t EVER going to happen. It’s just what I wanted you to believe.” The lies were so hard to force out now as James was breaking at the seams and really needed Alex to go so he could break down in peace. His cold facade was fading now but he still kept a straight face, forcing himself to feel nothing even though he was currently feeling everything. He wanted to tell Alex the truth about everything but he COULDN’T. If James broke his promise to Cassius then Cassius would break his promise and the pain James felt then would be ten times worse than this. At least this was Alex could be safe and eventually move on and be happy with someone else.

As Alex grabbed his wrist, James had to force himself to look away because he didn’t want to look Alex in the eye. Tears were welling up again and his eyes closed because he knew they would fall if he didn’t. Crying over Alex wasn’t going to help his act in any way possible but it was too late now as he realised his tears had beat him. He couldn’t meet Alex’s eye as he spoke anymore because lying to his face was exhausting him so he turned his head away as he spoke. “No one’s forcing me to do this. This is all me and I really need you to go.” 

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

       there  was  a  moment  where  he  believed  that  james  was  this  god  like  figure  that  he  would  never  be  the  same  as.  it  was  back  when  he  was  a  second  year  &  people  in  his  year  were  talking  about  how  great  james  was.  but  alexander  knew  james  would  never  TALK  to  him,  none  of  the  potter  family  would.  he  was  basically  a  lowlife  who  meant  nothing  at  all.  but  then  he’d  had  his  hopes  worked  up  whenever  he  met  james  in  the  hallways.  he  pretended  to  not  know  who  he  was,  pretended  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  wish  &  hope  that  james  potter  would  fall  head  over  heels  for  HIM.  then  he  thought  back  to  having  hot  chocolate  with  him,  thought  back  to  reading  books  late  at  night,  thought  about  the  smile  he  thought  was  genuine  on  his  face  whenever  they  were  curled  together.  &  maybe  .  .  .  maybe  james  wasn’t  godlike  at  all.  because  he  didn’t  want  to  be  with  alexander,  &  instead  of  fighting  it  anymore  he  believed  him.

        the  sob  that  left  his  lips  was  something  he  didn’t  think  would  leave  them,  but  if  james  wanted  to  see  him  hurt  he  was  going  to  get  the  imagery.  because  alexander  was  absolutely  heartbroken.  ❛  this  wasn’t  a  game,  WE  weren’t  a  game.  at  least  not  to  me.  i  -  i  LOVED  you  i  really  did.  but  i  don’t  love  this  person  that  you  are  now.  ❜ he  didn’t  want  to  believe  what  james  was  saying  but  it  was  so  characteristic  of  what  people  said  about  him.  maybe  alexander  had  just  built  him  into  someone  he  thought  he  could  be  in  his  head.

         ❛  i  NEVER  fucking  pined  after  you.  don’t  give  yourself  the  pleasure.  i  tried  to  stay  cautious  around  you  but  every  time  you  even  smiled  at  me  i  -  YOU  KNOW  .  .  .  never  mind.  you  don’t  deserve  an  explanation  if  i  don’t  even  get  a  proper  break  up,  a  proper  goodbye.  i  should’ve  kept  you  in  the  common  room  &  made  everyone  see  how  -  how  awful  you  are.  ❜ he  wasn’t  good  at  being  mean  but  he  wanted  to  make  james  feel  the  hurt  he  was  feeling  now,  in  his  stomach,  his  heart,  his  head,  EVERYWHERE.

The sob that left Alex’s lips was like a knife wound to his heart. He didn’t know what was worse -- the fact that Alex couldn’t see through these lies or the fact that it was believable that he was such an awful person. Could people really believe that he was the type of person to lead someone on like this just to rip them apart? ALEX could believe that? It took everything within him to stop himself from crying, to stop the threatening tears from spilling. If he cried then he would never be able to get Alex to leave and clearly, this was working. If being cruel was the only way to get Alex to not want him then it was what he was going to have to do. His fingers were fidgeting so to give them something to do, he pulled out a cigarette and stuffed it between his lips, hoping smoking would hide his trembling bottom lip and put Alex off him even more. All he needed was a bottle of whisky and he was everything Alex hated. 

“It WAS a game, Alexander. You’re just another one of my victims. Did no one ever warn you that I’m James Potter, the fucking HEARTBREAKER. This is what I do.” Cockily, he blew out the smoke from his lips and let out a laugh, the sound covering up the heartbreak he was now feeling. He wanted to feel numb again and he was slowly falling back into that state of mind because it was easier to deal with things when he wasn’t feeling anything. It was the only way he could deal with the pain. “This is who I am. Did you not realise? I’m an awful, shitty, horrible person and you don’t want to be with me. Just STAY as fucking far away from me as you can.”

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

      at  first  he  was  hurt.  it  felt  as  though  someone  had  reached  through  his  chest,  taken  ahold  of  his  heart,  &  then  squeezed.  he  could  feel  the  panic  starting  to  build  within  him,  the  kind  that  caused  him  to  be  angrier  than  he  meant  to  be.  he  was  supposed  to  be  with  james,  james  was  his  &  he  was  james.  it  was  a  fact  he’d  become  so  accustomed  to  that  the  idea  it  wasn’t  true  seemed  like  a  cruel  joke.  but  then  james  told  him  he  didn’t  want  him  &  for  the  first  time  alexander  believed  him.  he  didn’t  know  what  it  was,  maybe  it  was  because  of  how  cold  james  was  being,  but  he  believed  for  a  moment  that  james  didn’t  want  to  be  with  him.  he  swallowed,  ❛  then  why,  why  have  you  been  leading  me  on  ?  if  you  don’t  want  to  be  with  me  then  why  did  you  always  act  like  you  did  ?  ❜   

        he’d  promised  himself  he  wasn’t  going  to  cry  but  here  he  was,  exasperated,  voice  cracking  at  the  end  of  his  question.  ❛  please  don’t  do  this,  remember  what  happened  last  time,  remember  how  awful  it  was  ?  we  can’t  be  apart,  james.  i  think  it  hurts  worse  than  knowing  there’s  something  you’re  hiding  from  me.  ❜ but  whatever  james  was  doing  to  him  he  was  doing  it  right  because  the  step  alexander  had  taken  closer  to  him  he  now  took  away  to  start  pacing  to  the  other  side  of  the  room.  

          ❛  then  WHY  are  you  if  it  isn’t  because  of  some  fucking  POTION  ?  you  should  already  know  that  i  have  an  idea  of  why  but  i’m  trying  so  fucking  hard  to  give  you  the  benefit  of  the  doubt.  ❜  

James was almost exasperated now because he didn’t know what to say to stop Alexander from wanting him. Maybe being cruel was the only way to go about it. Cassius once implied he was cold-hearted so why not prove that assumption to be correct as well? So his expression went from blank to cold, a dark glare now appearing on his face as he stared at Alex. He needed the boy to hate him because that was the only way he would ever let him leave. If Alex hated him, then his love would be SAFE. 

“I acted like I wanted you because I wanted to see if you were stupid enough to fall for my charms. And I was right because you did. I managed to make you fall in love with me and you even stayed with me after I CHEATED multiple times. Why haven’t you got the message that I don’t like you?” He wasn’t entirely sure how convincing this was but it NEEDED to work. Alex had to hate him. He had to fall out of love. Every cruel word he spoke made him want to vomit and cry because it was all untrue but it was needed. How else would James convince Alex to let him go?

Tears were welling up in his eyes now and he was glad that Alex was now at the other side of the room because his entire act would be broken if the other realised he was about to cry. “It was awful because YOU wouldn’t stop pining after me and I felt sorry for you. Why don’t you understand that I don’t want to be with you anymore? I thought you were supposed to be SMART. This was all just a game and I WON.”

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

        ❛  here’s  another  question  for  you;  how  are  you  so  good  at  lying  but  so  BAD  at  it  at  the  same  time  ?  ❜ the  words  left  his  mouth  before  he  could  even  think  on  them.  alexander  was  usually  one  to  think  about  what  he  was  saying  before  doing  anything.  he  calculated  his  movements  but  was  still  a  passionate  boy.  his  gaze  stayed  on  james,  eyes  boring  into  him.  he  wondered  if  there  was  a  spell  that  would  give  him  the  super  power  of  having  lasers  coming  out  of  his  eyes.  he  doubted  that  could  happen  but  in  this  moment  he  wished  it  would.  ❛  you  don’t  want  to  be  all  alone,  i  know  that  much  is  true.  stop  pretending  like  it’s  what  you  want.  ❜  

           he  took  a  step  closer  to  james,  as  if  that  would  change  anything.  the  air  between  them  should’ve  been  cold  but  alexander  still  loved  james  no  matter  what.  &  the  sort  of  love  he  gave  was  unconditional.  he  couldn’t  stop  even  if  he  tried.  ❛  i  want  to  know  what  you’re  lying  about  other  than  you  saying  you  don’t  want  to  be  with  me.  i  want  to  know  why  you  think  i  don’t  LOVE  you.  i  don’t  just  WANT  you.  this  isn’t  about  WANT  anymore.  i  need  you.  ❜  he  hadn’t  said  it  before,  that  he  loved  james,  but  they  both  knew  it  was  true  so  what  was  the  point  of  trying  to  hide  it  anymore  ?  

          ❛  &  maybe  i  want  to  be  hurt,  maybe  i’m  okay  with  being  hurt  by  you.  because  i’ve  not  asked  any  questions  this  whole  time.  i’ve  watched  you  disappear  on  the  regular,  i’ve  let  you  cancel  on  me,  but  that  doesn’t  mean  i’ve  stopped  caring  about  you.  i  just  want  to  help  you  through  whatever’s  going  on.  are  you  doing  drugs  or  something  ?  i  mean  like  the  really  bad  stuff.  because  every  time  i  see  you  you  look  more  drained  than  the  last.  ❜   of  course  alexander  was  going  to  be  stubborn.  he’d  lost  james  before,  had  gone  through  the  pain  of  it  &  knew  he  never  wanted  to  feel  like  that  again.

Looking down at his feet, a sad smile appeared on his face before he looked back up. “I’m good at lying to everyone but you. You just see me. And I fucking hate it because I wish you weren’t so good for me. I wish you didn’t know me as well as you did.” There were so many things he wished but it was too late to take everything back. Alex was obviously his soulmate and they obviously loved each other but it couldn’t work. They were two people who were supposed to be together but couldn’t be and it KILLED James to know that. And it was all his own fault. “FINE. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with you.” If he had a shot for every lie he’d told Alex he’d be dead.

He wanted the space between them to be bigger but he also wanted to close it and be in Alexander’s arms. He was safe in those arms and nothing could touch him. But he needed to keep his self-control today and complete his mission. Alexander needed to be out of his life. Maybe they hadn’t used the word LOVE with each other before because James tried to ignore it. Unlike what he did with Cassius, he purposely didn’t say it to Alex and made sure he didn’t drop it in conversations. But when Alex said it, it shot him in the heart even though it was information he already knew. “You don’t need me. You need someone who will be GOOD and FAITHFUL to you and that person isn’t me.”

At that question, James suddenly stopped and blanched because OF COURSE Alex had noticed. He would have been surprised if he hadn’t but James was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Suddenly looking even more uncomfortable, he rubbed his shoulder and stepped from one foot to the other before coming to the conclusion that maybe he should at least try to tell Alex some of the truth. The potion was probably the LEAST terrible thing he’d been lying about to Alexander so he was a good place to start. “I have this potion thing I’ve been taking since my fall but I’m fine. It’s not the reason I’m trying to break up with you.”

[jamiepottcr]

fawcettt:

     maybe  james  hadn’t  learned  anything  even  in  all  of  the  time  they’d  been  together,  but  he  should’ve  known  the  words  that  would  get  to  alexander  were  not  the  ones  he  spoke.  people  like  cassius  wanted  power  &  the  world  &  to  be  treated  like  kings,  alexander  wanted  simpler  things.  he  wanted  to  have  a  cottage  in  the  woods  &  a  few  animals  &  work  as  a  healer  all  over  the  world.  he  didn’t  want  to  be  in  charge  of  anyone  or  any  thing,  he  didn’t  want  the  world,  he  just  wanted  happiness.  &  he  could  tell  that  james  wanted  that  happiness  to,  whenever  they  weren’t  thinking  he  could  tell.  yet  for  some  reason  here  he  was  saying  the  opposite.

         ❛  i  don’t  WANT  the  world,  james.  i  don’t  want  to  be  treated  like  a  king.  how  many  times  do  i  have  to  tell  you  the  same  things  over  &  over.  all  i  want  is  you  &  you  keep  pushing  me  away.  i  don’t  know  what’s  happening  with  you,  but  ever  since  you  fell  you’ve  been  acting  out  of  character.  but  that  isn’t  going  to  stop  us  from  being  together  because  who  is  going  to  help  you  if  i  don’t  ?  ❜  

           he  was  going  to  get  to  the  bottom  of  this  with  interrogation  if  he  had  to.  he  would  rip  james  apart  to  get  truth  because  no  matter  how  much  the  truth  was  going  to  hurt  at  least  he’d  be  able  to  understand  it.  so  now  his  arms  were  wrapped  around  his  own  waist  &  his  gaze  was  staggered  on  james.  ❛  what’s  happening  with  you  ?  i’m  not  asking  for  an  apology  i  just  want  to  know  why  you  think  we  need  to  break  up  over  something  STUPID.  ❜

James should have known that it wouldn’t have been enough. Those words weren’t enough for him to throw away a man he loved and cared about and had dreamed of having a future with. Alex wasn’t just another boy he’d fucked and could toss aside -- he MEANT something to him and that was why this was so much harder. Heartbreakers shouldn’t date boys they liked because this was what happened. He always thought that rumour was untrue but it wasn’t -- he WAS good at breaking hearts. He was good at breaking his own heart. 

“I haven’t been acting since then,” he retorted even though that was an obvious lie. But how was he supposed to explain that he was now addicted to some stupid potion that Cassius was giving him? How could he explain that he was having to see him every single day to beg for the stupid shit? Alexander must have noticed when he was high on it because even though he was good at hiding it, Alex somehow always noticed the little things about him that others didn’t. “I don’t NEED your help. Or anyone’s help.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Alex was supposed to cry and maybe get angry again and leave. And James was supposed to feel so awful he went numb. He wasn’t supposed to be stubborn. “You actually WANT to be with a cheater who barely sees you and fucking lies to your face all the time? I don’t get why you still want me even after all this time. This isn’t stupid. You should be breaking up with me. I’m just trying to do this before I hurt you anymore.” He was avoiding the question now because he didn’t know how to form an explanation without lying directly to his face. How was he supposed to explain that he was now with the man who wanted to kill Alex’s family and his own family and get revenge for his parents’ death?