i feel like i'm fading.

"I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I looked right through me, past me, as if I was just a stranger."

[willxbarnes]

Leon tilted his head slightly, observing the man in front of him. It had been clear from the day they met that Will was uncomfortable in front of those who would otherwise be judging him. Leon wasn’t there to judge him, though. He was here to help him…. to the best of his abilities, that is.

“You needn’t lie here, Will. I’m not here to.. evaluate you. I’m here to help you.”

    — Will turned, not allowing himself to meet Leon’s eyes. It was rare for Will to meet anyone’s eyes - he often found they were the most revealing part of a person’s mannerisms, because it was one of few that people had little to no control over. They were a vulnerability, and there was nothing Will liked less than feeling vulnerable. ❝ I was at the shelter, and then I was downtown. It was about fifteen minutes. ❞

[willxbarnes]

elixkeller

    ➳ Eli smirked before he laughed. ❝ I can already hear him cheering.” Jeremy had been complaining since day one about Eli’s eating habits. He couldn’t blame him, but he wasn’t about to change either.

When Abigail’s name was brought up, Eli realized he hadn’t thought much about her. She’d been working under Douglas, but was harmless. At least as far as everyone seemed to think. “She was just as shocked as the rest of us. Honestly she kinda took it hard.” He couldn’t imagine learning your mentor was some psychopath. He wondered if she was okay. He hadn’t had much time to follow up because he was already out of there with Jeremy. And barely anyone knew where they were.

“Why? What about her? You think she’s got something to do with what happened too?”

   — Honestly she kinda took it hard. Will swallowed and kept his eyes down, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It was hardly confirmation, but it was enough to make Will nervous. He remembered, upon meeting Abigail, that she would have been easily manipulated, much like himself. He tried to think that the difference was in that she wouldn’t realize it was happening, but even he couldn’t be sure if he would be any better.

   Will shook his head. ❝ I don’t know, ❞ he said, almost truthfully. ❝ I don’t know, she might be. I thought it was possible at the time. I don’t know now. With him in prison... I thought she was susceptible to him. Before. He excelled at manipulation, and she... ❞ Will trailed off and sighed, finally shrugging. ❝ I don’t know. Especially now that he’s no longer her mentor. ❞

[willxbarnes]

“You sure you’re okay?”

   — ❝ No. But I’m not sure we’re ever sure of that. Either way, it’s nothing for you to worry about. Give it a little while and I’ll be fine. ❞

[willxbarnes]

leonfischerphd

“Time loss… How often has it been happening since the last time we met?”

     — Will swallowed hard, looking away for a moment, feeling the light sense of shame that the bureau had taught him to feel at the first sign of instability. ❝ Just once. ❞

[willxbarnes]

jeremyxhill

    ➳ That was the question he’d been asked so many times. It was a question he couldn’t answer, but he pretended anyway. He always said he was okay. That was a lie. And he hated lying, but in this case he made an exception. Except now with Will asking it, he knew the man would know it was a lie. ❝ Honestly, no. But don’t tell Eli that.” He shook his head. “The hardest part isn’t that I feel like there’s no closure or that I have to move to some place I’ve never been before and give people a last name that’s unfamiliar. It’s not even the fact that this time it’s all for my safety. It’s that I couldn’t tell my parents that I’m okay. I couldn’t even give them that lie. The bureau’s probably sent someone to watch them, they’re probably asking questions and not getting answers. I want to be there.” 

He paused for a moment before he shook his head. “The worst question I keep getting asked though is what I saw while I was… I was gone. A white light sounds so much better than nothing I’ve learned. More people understand the lie because it’s what they want to hear.”

   — Will watched Jeremy as he spoke, guilt gripping his heart with cold fingers. He looked at Jeremy and he saw an old friend, and his own failure. A tragedy he could have stopped. And as Jeremy spoke, the tightness in his chest got worse. He knew what it was like to have expectation of others impede your reality and make the reality harder to live with. When he had been asked, “Do you feel stable?”, they had not wanted to hear “No”. So he told them “yes”, even though none of them believed it. Even though he was now living with the consequences.

    ❝ People have high expectations of those around them and no sense of the effects those expectations can have, ❞ Will said. ❝ What about you? What do you understand? ❞

[willxbarnes]

“Maybe. Where are you heading?”

     — ❝ I don’t... Home. I’m heading home. ❞

[willxbarnes]

elixkeller

    ➳ Even a normal conversation about the local places felt weird and mixed with guilt. He wasn’t even information searching, he was just catching up with his friend. It was ultimately something he had to do to move forward, but that’s truly what it was. ❝ I’ll look into that. Jeremy’s already upset by the poptarts and hot pockets so I’m sure he’d be pleased. Pizza’s what we’re gonna miss though.”

This whole thing should be about trust, but it wasn’t. He trusted Will, he always would no matter what the bureau said about him. Will was always right too. But Eli had no right to expect the trust back and that was the hardest part. He had playing the came of trust and he hated the FBI was asking him to at the expense of him and Will.

Eli wished he could say he was shocked by the questions, but he’d be lying if he said they weren’t ones he’d thought himself when Jeremy was finally out of the woods. “The simple answer and the answer the FBI’s trying to feed us, he’s in prison, that stopped him. They just sent us here as a ‘safety net.’ But no I think there’s more. He may be in prison but he had people working with and for him. Some part of a cartel, others in the bureau themselves. He’s not fond of losing a game, so I’m sure it’s not done. They tried to pretend Jeremy died in the hospital, but that lasted about five seconds. You can’t play dead for long.” He was scared, but he was ready. He wasn’t going to let Joel touch him again.

   — Will half smiled, nodding at the ground. ❝ Yeah, well. We’ll go sometime. It’ll give you and Jeremy a break from that strict diet, ❞ he said, surprised at how quickly the tease had come. He remembered a friendship from a time before it had all gone wrong, before there were stresses to make such a casual conversation feel... tainted.

     Will was almost surprised when Eli started speaking, telling him more than he probably should have. It was curious, considering the suspicion that had snuck its way into Will’s mind, launched somewhere between the coincidental appearance of Eli and the instinctual feeling that had a habit of sneaking to the forefront of his mind. So Will listened, patiently at first - and then Eli mentioned Douglas’ “people”.

     ❝ What about Abigail Talbot? ❞ Will asked, remembering the look on the director’s face when he’d first raised concerns about Douglas and Abigail. The accusation, the director said, sounded like a madman’s conspiracy. Trusted Agent Douglas corrupting his trainee, who graduated from the academy with exemplary scores - it was absurd. He’s not fond of losing a game. [ No, he’s not. I’m the one who let it start. ]

[trounormands-deactivated2016042]

Fannibals Aren’t Done - Primavera

[willxbarnes]

“You’re fine. I’m just not used to meeting people on my walks.”

     — ❝ No, I don’t either. We must be taking different paths. ❞

[willxbarnes]

jeremyxhill

    ➳ Jeremy should of known he’d get it so easily. But it really wasn’t something he worried about. His mother Eli was just in his head saying that he shouldn’t say anything. But he wasn’t here and he didn’t know he was talking to Will. ❝ Yeah. He was doing everything you said. I was investigating it since you left and I found out too much. Then he found out.”

     — Jeremy wasn’t supposed to be telling him any of this - but Will also knew he wasn’t supposed to be asking. He could see Joel Douglas so clearly in his mind - the confident smile, the crooked tooth, the scar on the bridge of his nose. He could see the photographs of Douglas’ victims, the red flags they’d pinned over the map in their attempt to track his movements. The worst was that he could see Douglas attacking Jeremy. 

    There were countless questions, and the part of Will’s mind that still craved the ability to help people, to “catch the bad guy” (though it was never that black and white), wanted to ask all of them. But he knew the bureau already had. So he asked one that no one in the bureau had thought to ask him until it was too late.

    ❝ Are you okay? ❞

[willxbarnes]

➳ Eli felt sick. The things he was doing to be where he wanted. Maybe he fit into the bureau after all. That answered the questions he’d been having lately. ❝ Don’t think anyone is except for the director.” It sure felt like it some times. He smirked back for a moment before he smiled normal again. “Maybe you’ll be able to tell me the great places to eat?”

He paused for a second, but in the end, he decided it was for the best that he say the truth in the end. “No, I trust you. I can say why.” He took in a break through his nose. “You were right about Douglas. I shoulda kept an eye on him. He hurt Jeremy. Just about killed him. I’d say he did if I believed in coming back from the dead.”

    — Instinct told him to ask what was wrong. Logic told him there would only be half an answer. [ You’re not part of the bureau anymore. ]  ❝ There’s a place called The Island. I think you’d like it. ❞

When Eli said he trusted him, Will was struck with the sudden thought of, he’s telling the truth. [ Of course he is. ] But the truth was what made Will stop. It confirmed what he first feared upon realizing who he was speaking to, and he felt his stomach drop. He touched the back of his neck with his hand. Images flashed through his mind in quick succession -the sort of which was usually reserved for nightmares. Joel Douglas attacking Jeremy. A gunshot. Blood. An unfinished job. 

Will had sworn it would be the end when he moved to Aldyria. No more investigating. But the horrors that crossed his mind pulled the blinds over his consciousness, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from doing this. Especially for Jeremy and Eli. Especially when he could have stopped it. ❝ They didn’t kill him, ❞ Will said, his voice quiet, his eyes downcast. Douglas would never leave a job unfinished without reason. ❝ What stopped him? ❞

[willxbarnes]

“I guess I’m just looking for something to do.” She said suddenly feeling like she had done something wrong.

     — ❝ I shouldn’t ask that of you when I won’t answer the same question. I’m sorry. I’ve never been very good at small talk. ❞

[willxbarnes]

   ➳ ❝ Didn’t think you would, just had to be sure.” He smiled a bit before he shifted his stance to be a little more comfortable, but it didn’t help much because he was still standing. Maybe Eli was right bout leaving the apartment being bad for his health. “Yeah it sucks. Eli and I were put on a… vacation? That’s the official statement.”

     — Will looked down as Jeremy shifted his stance, his head tilting. Injured. They wouldn’t send an injured agent on a mission. And when Jeremy spoke, the pieces clicked together, and he remembered the last warning he ever dealt to his superiors. They could’ve stopped it. [ I could have stopped it. ] ❝ Was it Douglas? ❞

[willxbarnes]

leonfischerphd

“I’ll take that as a no. Still having headaches?”

     — ❝ And time loss. Nightmares. ❞

[willxbarnes]

elixkeller

    ➳ Eli had to tuck the guilt from the “side-mission,” as the bureau referred to it (but he knew better), in the back of his mind. Jeremy didn’t even know. He would’ve stopped him. He kinda wanted him to, but this was the only way he was staying in Aldyria. ❝ Figures, they’re terrible with memos. I’d no idea you were here.” He paused for a second before he shrugged at the question. “I don’t know they don’t talk about their feelings with me. I missed you though if that helps.” Especially with what happened to Jeremy. Not that he didn’t miss his friend because he was a friend, but Will would’ve caught it long before it happened.

     — ❝ Don’t suppose I’m allowed to get memos anymore, ❞ Will said, the corner of his lips curling into a smile. No - it wasn’t a coincidence that the bureau would send Eli and Jeremy to Aldyria, of all places. Even with something like The Tunnel in town - these were old friends. No. Not old friends. Friends. These were friends. His smirk turned into a smile. ❝ I missed you too. Honestly. ❞

❝ I would ask what brings you here, but I’m guessing - classified? ❞

[willxbarnes]

“Thank you.” She smiled kindly at him. “ You can tell me though. I have all the time in the world right now.”

     — Will reveled silently in the irony of her choice of words - time was exactly the problem. ❝ Time’s not what’s stopping me, ❞ he said softly. Will would have guessed she was twenty-two old - her life’s hardships consisted of school and finding jobs. ❝ What are you doing downtown so late? ❞

[willxbarnes]

jeremyxhill

    ➳ ❝ I was just saying I’m surprised to see you here. Jeremy R… Jeremy, remember? It’s been a long time.

     — ❝ Jeremy. ❞

❝ I wouldn’t forget a friend so easily. ❞ [ Something’s wrong. ] ❝ Aldyria? ❞