Window Seat Writing

home of a night owl who loves rain, drinks lots of coffee, thinks too much, and occasionally writes poems

[windowseatwriting]

Christmas 2021

i'm struggling to find the Christmas spirit to feel anything other than numb after this long slog of a year that started with an insurrection fueled by a lie and is ending with an embrace of authoritarianism that makes democracy feel fragile

and i'm exhausted from another year of working with the increasingly impatient public during an ongoing pandemic where those of us on the front lines are still at risk

and i'm worn down by the constant battles over simple public health measures by two major bouts of anxiety by a week this summer when i didn't know if my mom would be okay after a heart attack

i don't have it in me to send Christmas cards i still haven't put lights on my little tree i barely remember to water my poinsettias

so i'm giving myself permission to rest to do what i can and let go of the rest

to watch sappy TV with all its familiar seasonal movies and listen to music that sparks my soul

and i remind myself that we're nearing the solstice that this is Advent the season of waiting for light to come into the darkness

and there is light in this darkness and i have so many reasons to be thankful

my mom is alive and her heart looks good my sister has earned her doctorate my parents and i had two glorious vacations at the coast my church community, though small, is family i have amazing friends and co-workers i have a place to live, food to eat, and the ability to take care of myself

and i hope that no matter how tired and stressed you are no matter what challenges you face you also have reasons for gratitude you also see glimmers of hope and you also are surrounded by love

[windowseatwriting]

Christmas 2020

i don't know what to say about this year of a raging pandemic, of wildfire and flood, so many hurricanes that we ran out of names for them, police brutality openly on display, white supremacists stepping out of the shadows, a nail-biting election and a president who attacks democracy because he can't admit defeat

i don't know what to say when we're all stressed and exhausted and there have been too many losses:           gatherings           socializing           jobs           income           security           normalcy lives

but i've also witnessed our resilience, adapting to this current reality and guidelines that change weekly, relearning the art of homemaking            baking            sewing            knitting            gardening finding creative ways to connect whether online or outside

i've witnessed the generosity of volunteers making masks or handing out meals to those in need, the strength and courage of health care workers whether on the front lines or in the lab, the dedication of scientists racing for a vaccine, the quiet perseverance of the usually invisible essential workers who keep everything running

the holidays are different this year and we mourn that loss even as we cherish memories of Christmases past and create new rituals and plan new types of celebrations

because the heart of the season isn't fancy parties or elaborate decorations or expensive gifts

it's seeing the light in the midst of darkness, marveling at a star in the night sky, and remembering the power of love of hope

[windowseatwriting]

undaunted (for Anne)

she stands out in a crowd not because of her bright blonde buzzcut or her booming laugh but because of her easy smile that makes people feel at home whether they've known her a minute or a lifetime

she's the kind of person who's beloved by everyone

and she's dying

there will be no last-minute reprieve no miracle cure these are her final weeks days hours

she's dying the same way she's lived with courage and grace strength and wisdom unfailing humor unflinching honesty gratitude and compassion

so much compassion her note breaking this news not angry or maudlin but encouraging comforting those she's leaving behind

her words as warm as one of her full-body hugs

one last gift

as she prepares to go gentle into the night she's focused on what truly matters friends and family memories of time well spent                             in nature                             in laughter                             in love and on thankfulness for all that she's had all that she still has even at the very end

she's dying and in her dying she's teaching us how to live

[windowseatwriting]

life in pandemic lockdown

this is hard for everyone no matter how lucky they seem looking in from the outside

those working from home navigate unfamiliar terrain fighting to find some kind of balance

those who lost their jobs worry about everything their security gone in an instant

those still in the trenches are exhausted running themselves ragged

those at high-risk hunker down painfully reminded of how age or illness limit them

some remain on the streets with no safe place to shelter some need groceries or services with no way to access them some are cut off entirely with no phone or internet

many are stuck in homes that are indifferent at best abusive at worst many are overwhelmed with the competing demands of work and kids and never-ending chores many live alone with no one to lean on or cry with many long for their friends and family many are seeing too much of them

those with depression and anxiety are struggling this fresh trauma adding new stressors triggering old ones

those without depression and anxiety are struggling the palpable fear and uncertainty in the air coloring every aspect of their days

extroverts struggle with the lack of socializing they need to feel energized hanging out online just not the same

introverts struggle with the sudden influx of calls and texts and video chats and the pressure to always respond

every single one of us is affected in some way this is not easy for anyone

be patient with others be gentle with yourself

and we will get through this together

[windowseatwriting]

pandemic

these are strange and scary times news changing by the day the hour official reports all over the map friend of a friend stories spreading at social media speed mixed messages everywhere

some hunker down prepping for the end of life as we know it in the weeks and months ahead

some slog onward in the trenches with the sick and dying caring for those in need delivering mail and goods ensuring access to groceries electricity the internet

some shake their heads not seeing what all the fuss is about their lives not yet touched or threatened

many worry we're overreacting many worry we didn't act fast enough some fear for their very survival literal or financial some whistle past the graveyard and some stand paralyzed not knowing what to do when so much is outside their control

this is when we're reminded just how interconnected we are the actions of one impacting countless others in ways rarely ever noticed

this is when we relearn what is truly essential food shelter water heat light nature art music friends family

health

and in anxious and uncertain times like these we rediscover the incredible power of kindness

[windowseatwriting]

nameless

i've heard the woody guthrie song deportee many times over the years

its tone sometimes pensive sometimes poignant but the lyrics always somewhat distant

a story from the past about braceros and migrants who were used often abused and who sometimes died on this foreign soil with barely a notice

but history is repeating itself

exceeding itself here and now deportation widescale wholesale zero tolerance our official policy― new and improved! now with added cruelty!

the border patrol ripping children from parents caging people like animals with less food, water, and shelter than the average American pet

the government vilifying immigrants treating asylum seekers like vermin not like human beings who are just looking for safety security jobs to provide for their loved ones

the same things we all want

today inundated by these horrific stories faced with piercing pictures of the suffering and the fear we've needlessly inflicted

for the first time ever hearing this song made me weep

[windowseatwriting]

pluralism

three women stroll along the sidewalk on a hot summer day covered from head to toe only their faces visible

devout women draped in distinctive garb showcasing their piety their submission to the will of their God

setting themselves apart with their clothing expecting the rest of us to make space for them accommodate their sensitivities

respect their beliefs allow them freedom of worship though their lifestyle is far from mainstream main street America

they chatter to each other in their own peculiar tongue so different from everyone rushing past them yet somehow still the same

this trio of nuns walking down the street

[windowseatwriting]

hindsight

thirty years from now it will be all but impossible to find anyone who admits to supporting our government's draconian family separation policy, the border patrol ripping children from parents packing people like sardines into cold, contaminated camps

a handful will affirm they liked the general idea but only to stop the usual undocumented immigrants from sneaking in not to punish the desperate seeking asylum

few of us will acknowledge we were part of the massive, muddled middle caught up in our own lives able to ignore the largely invisible crisis, some looking away helplessly some wholly indifferent

most will claim they resisted protested online or in the streets badgered their representatives in Congress raised awareness raised money

just as most say they opposed war in Iraq or the Vietnam War from the very beginning not merely at the point when body bags turned the tide of public opinion

just as most claim they stood against Japanese-American internment camps, that they fought the Nazis and their death camps, that they marched for civil rights or came from a long line of abolitionists

the human capacity for denial is seemingly endless

our need to rewrite the past almost compulsive

once time has softened views and the majority, who either upheld the status quo or sat solidly on the fence, realize they were on the wrong side of history

and align themselves in retrospect with those they once labeled troublemakers or traitors

[windowseatwriting]

untitled

Happy Straight Pride! to everyone who has been... ...told their heterosexuality is just a phase ...afraid of being outed as straight ...told they just haven't been fucked by the right person ...harassed for appearing too obviously heterosexual or cisgender ...scared to hold hands in public with their opposite gender partner * ...raised in world with few openly straight or cisgender public figures ...raised in a culture with few heterosexual characters in movies or on TV ...informed by strangers that it's not possible for their gender identity to match their genitals ...denied service at a business solely because they're straight ...denied government benefits because they don't apply to heterosexual partnerships * ...worried the government will overturn straight marriage * ...repeatedly called the wrong pronoun by those who don't believe cisgender identity is real ...raised in an area where heterosexual sex is a crime * ...denied medical care by a provider who didn't approve of the heterosexual or cisgender lifestyle ...told how disgusting, abnormal, or perverted heterosexuality is ...told they're going to hell for being straight ...asked to leave a church for being heterosexual ...denied a job or housing solely because they're straight ...rejected by friends or disowned by family after coming out as heterosexual or cisgender

Happy Straight Pride! in memory of those who... ...were institutionalized because heterosexuality was considered a mental illness ...survived dehumanizing treatment at conversion camps trying to cure them of being straight ...died because the government didn't push for AIDS research when it only affected heterosexuals ...have been physically assaulted or murdered simply for being straight or cisgender

we in the rainbow community feel your pain understand the need to stand up to claim pride in your identity in the face of a world that so relentlessly persecutes you

*interracial couples not included

rinse and repeat for White History Month, Able-Bodied Awareness Days, etc.

[windowseatwriting]

in these troubled times

headlines break at social media speed the 24-7 news cycle flowing relentlessly across our screens

drowning us in the sea of information

the problems so big while we're so small the chasms so vast as to seem uncrossable

and we don't know how to solve any of it so we turn away retreat to our safe harbors become islands unto ourselves

but we don't need to have all the answers

we just need to do what we can where we are with what we've got

give a dollar to a homeless person give ten to a valued charity encourage our friends who are struggling encourage our friends to vote spend five minutes picking up litter spend ten minutes calling our senators

plant a seed

plant a flower

plant a tree

it sometimes feels hopeless like casting a tiny pebble into a great lake and barely disturbing the surface

but when enough of us toss our stones in together a splash becomes a ripple becomes a wave

[windowseatwriting]

the resistance slump

we've reached the exhaustion phase too burned out and overwhelmed to be constantly appalled at each new provocation

where fresh offenses are so common that we merely sigh in resignation roll our eyes in tired disbelief

where we're no longer glued to the news and its endless bombardment turning off tuning out

so worn down and weighed down that even an actual crisis is just another blip on the radar

it's normal to need a break to lose the capacity for white-hot anger over every single injustice

what we cannot do under any circumstances is give up give in or forget

that the oppressors aren't supposed to win

[windowseatwriting]

late december

we're knee deep in the seasonal rituals

of wreath and holly flickering candles and roaring fires hot cocoa and hot toddies wooden nativity scenes and plastic snowmen cheerful carols and colorful cards

busy trimming the tree scouring the stores baking cookies hosting parties

and sometimes it feels like too much

braving bad weather fighting thick crowds struggling to play nice too much time                stress                money

the cynics mutter about crass materialism the pessimists grouse about forced cheer

but there is value in these comfortable and enduring traditions both secular and sacred

a reminder that we are one human family clinging to life together on this fearsome and fragile planet

that there is light and warmth even in the midst of winter's deep cold dark

and a testament to the potent power of hope

[windowseatwriting]

working title: dichotomy

humans are the same as they ever were

clustered around computers instead of campfires these days but otherwise little has changed

tribal and insular suspicious of outsiders

fighting with words and weapons over race, religion, opinions

blithely following the leader upholding the status quo turning a blind eye to those in the margins

easily whipped up into a mob mentality against the dreaded other

yes, humans are the same as they ever were

global and diverse welcoming the stranger

living peacefully next to those who are different and finding common ground

speaking truth to power tearing down old walls and building new bridges standing up for the vulnerable

banding together and working side by side in times of crisis

people are who they've always been

hateful and loving greedy and generous closed off and open hurtful and helpful

the question for us here and now is which story do we want history to tell about us?

[windowseatwriting]

Halloween

Snuggling together in bins and boxes, standing alone like sentinels in fields, pumpkins gaze blank-faced at the world. Hands, some large, some small, pat their orange, reddish, gold-green, white skins, smooth over their ridges and bumps, searching for just the right one, the perfect canvas for the imagination.

Settled on beds of newspaper, pumpkins painfully gain their faces: rough triangles and lopsided grins, crooked half-circles and wicked sneers, eyes and mouths round like startled ghosts, or elaborate designs of cats and bats and graveyards.

During the day, under the blazing trees, pumpkins stare out from the window, or sit on the steps, on the porch, in the yard, watching as we rush by unseeing.

At night, under the moon-bright sky, pumpkins stand oblivious to the chill, lit from within by flickering candles, beacons to guide us home.

Their faces reflect our fears, let us whistle in the dark at this time when the veils between worlds thin and the shadows of night lengthen,

as we hunker down and huddle together against the dying of the light, against the bleakness and cold of the coming winter.

Original 2015, minor tweaks 2018

[windowseatwriting]

why vote?

i vote because i'm marginalized and want my voice to be heard

because my rights are not a given and the lives of vulnerable people are at real risk

i vote because i'm tired of old out-of-touch white men making all the rules

i vote since the threats against people and planet are urgent and there's no time to wait for some perfect progressive savior

i vote since it makes sense to use every tool at my disposal to work for change

i vote because local politics impact my daily life

and even though the system is flawed it's the one i've got to work with

i vote to honor those beaten and killed to earn the privilege

for the future of the children i love for the future i want to see

i vote for everyone who cannot

i vote because if voting didn't matter then no one would try to suppress it

because i believe our voices make a difference i vote

[windowseatwriting]

to everyone who is #MeToo

you don't owe anyone your story

you're not obligated to parade your pain publicly to prove it's real

you don't have to lay bare your wounds if they're still too raw

you are not responsible for your abuser's actions

you are the victim you can protect yourself however you need to

you don't need to explain the terrible details of what was done to you the trauma that still haunts you

you are enough just as you are with all your anger and anguish you are seen you matter

you don't need to justify the fuzzy edges around your memories the uniquely indelible ways this changed you

you are not responsible for preserving your abuser's reputation

you are the survivor your truth is yours to share in any way you wish

you don't have to hide your scars and pretend that you're fine

you're not obligated to swallow your voice for those who fear its power

you don't owe anyone your silence

[windowseatwriting]

Poem for Grandma

Somehow it feels appropriate that she passed away in autumn, that season when everything seems to die.

The fruitful bounty of gardens withers and dries up, stems and stalks shriveling. The sun dims to a thin stream of light, fading a little sooner each day. The trees lose the weight of their leaves, become stick-figure ghosts of themselves.

The world slows and stills waiting for winter's long, dark sleep.

Yet there is beauty in this time of turning, fierce and surprising sometimes.

The tart tang of an apple or the silken sweetness of a squash, humble but faithful friends. Rain-swollen creeks flinging themselves off cliff edges into wild, majestic waterfalls. Fiery red and gold and burnt orange leaves splashed against both ground and sky in vibrant, breathtaking murals.

It's fitting that she left her earthly home in autumn, that season when everything changes,

stripping off the shell, the non-essential outer form, in preparation for the coming of spring, the rebirth into new life.

Written 2009; revised 2018