happy windsday @windsday-addams - Tumblr Blog

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true peace and true safety come from tolerating ambiguity in relationships, knowing its normal and natural, not trying to eliminate it.

what does regulation feel like to me?

assuredness, grounding, awareness, taking my time, standing up straight, focusing on my breath

prompts

1. what truth have i been avoiding because acknowledging it would change my life?

2. where am i overexplaining myself instead of allowing my actions to speak for me?

3. what relationship, habit or identity no longer aligns with who im becoming mentally or emotionally?

4. am i seeking clarity or am i seeking certainty? why?

5. what story about myself am i finally ready to rewrite?

goddamn!!!

windsday-addams

when i adore everything in my closet

when my outfits can be effortless

when i have come to peace with my hair

when i know how to properly apply makeup

when my room is full of things i like

when i have a group of friends who truly love me and make me feel comfortable

when i stop feeling so out of place

when i move out of my parents house

when i begin to accept that im not conventionally attractive, but im still cute as heck

windsday-addams

reading this post from 2013 made me burst into tears and now i feel sooooooooo much better

learning how to be patient

during this transitional time, my impatience is overwhelming. ive suffered and been unhappy for so long and now that the finish end is in sight, i feel myself despairing.

like the dream sequences in animation - the end line stretches farther away the closer i get. and the opportunity for misaction increases. more space to trip over, to fall, to let the worst intentions and my self destructive darkness to get ahead of me and dictate the terms of the race.

i need to conquer it. patience is always sweetly rewarded. ive felt a few times the serenity of waiting without agitation, knowing my turn will come - but this is not a line in a theme park, or a grocery store, or a bus terminal. the agony of days feels like months. i refresh apps 2, 10, 20 times in the span of 5 minutes itching for something to relieve the pain. its no way to live.

practice mindfulness

when we disengage from the current moment, our minds can create stories about the consequences that are happening.

a few days ago i set a late night appointment with a beautiful man, funny, witty, charming, an expert in the things i love. i was supposed to lay in his bed tonight and i havent heard a word from him. ghosted. right away my mind has begun to spin elaborate and wicked pointed yarns - that im too ugly, too needy, not deserving of the company of someone i admire. my mood began to deflate more and more as the hours passed without a response. when in actuality, ive been saved from a bullet. any man who wouldnt have the decency to cancel on me in writing would not be the kind of lover i would want right now - attentive, caring, present. so as much as i loved the idea of him making me feel good, he simply couldnt.

mindfulness involves engaging your senses. i must realize i never feel as attuned to my divine power as when i am indulging in my sight, my feel, my smell, and taste, and hearing. when i am washing a dish and feel the weight of it in my hands and see the suds form and swish. when i have no choice but to breathe deeply in the icy cold ocean, and feel its pressure on my body when im underneath. when i am attentive, i feel as if a god. a divine presence whispering amongst my bones. that power made a man fall in love with me on the spot once. thats how strong it is. reclaiming it must be my priority.

this article recommends a few ways to practice mindfulness. keeping a journal, as im doing right now. practicing breathing techniques - which i must put into practice when the urge to escape settles in. mindful eating - i dont even want to get into this right now. but maybe putting blessings and intentions into the food as im eating can count? practicing yoga - im so happy to say ive finally found a place in my daily routine for this and my body thanks me for it. only skipping today because the heat in my apartment is so stifling i will not feel good for exerting myself any more than necessary. trying tai chi - sister i just started my yoga practice dont piss me off. taking up meditation - yes, this is a must. i need to find time for this. early in the morning is probably best, ideally i would get up out of bed without my phone, sit and breathe for some minutes.

once this man leaves i really want to embody my best self, take the quantum leap through my actions into a happier, healthier, sunnier version of myself. i could try now, but i have to recognize ive been stuck in survival mode and the discomfort is now emerging from the depths ive buried it to. its hard to meditate when youre trying to avoid geysers of boiling water (lol)

2. know whats in your control

i had a bit of this yesterday as i felt my mood souring more and more. i remembered a video i watched where the person said, in wonder, "i write the script!".

we are in control of our actions, and how we view a situation. will we let our feelings dictate our reality? will we let the stories woven by primal darkness, formed in our childhoods by the darkness of others, overtake our consciousness, sap away at our happiness and our growth? FOR WHAT?!!!!!!

3. build your tolerance for discomfort

this one i was okay at in the past, but lately has become untenable. ever since i watched that movie that cracked me open, the terribleness of my situation has stared me in my face, leering, sometimes even waking me up out of sleep.

this article suggests patience is a muscle and must be exercised. what happens if i practice checking the app only once an hour, then once every two hours, all the way up to once a day?

ignoring the notifications on my phone - this one feels impossible. i think of my mother reprimanding me every time i would view a message and not respond - this one feels out of my skill set right now. but im not saying its impossible!!!!

taking up a hobby that requires patience like knitting or woodworking - well i dont have any money for that right now so maybe i will replace this with doing the chores that have needed to be done for months if not years (like repairing my jewelry)

resist the urge to scratch an itch - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok.

handwrite a letter to a friend and wait for the response - no this is silly. i dont want to involve anyone else in my issues right now (funny i say this while waiting on god knows how many people to fuck me into peace) i think about the man i blocked a few days ago since i told him to be patient and he was, for about a day, and then began pestering me. not that ive been pestering anyone, but my restless energy has been there. im sure they feel it too and thats why ultimately they stay away.

4. listen well - i do this. no biggie

5. find the fun - i can do this too, quite easily.

6. empathize - yes. i am trying to remind myself that everyone has their own lives. i am not of such importance that someones day need be derailed by my attention. the fact that mine is is an indication of unhealthiness so it wouldnt be good for someone to be on the same page.

well i checked the app just now and have a few notifications and i am proud to say i closed it without looking. will need to deal with the disappointment if its not what i want to see, but thats exercising the muscle as well i guess.

new moon in gemini this weekend: trimming the palm tree. the first new moon since uranus has entered gemini. the first seeds to plant that will grow through the next 7 years

planting the seed and trimming the fat of the story

the crown of the palm - it grows up not out. dead leaves hang and cling

deciding what to cut - in order to grow bigger and more beautiful. discernment. what do you tend first? what aligns with your beliefs?

information that nourishes vs information that stimulates

what makes me feel down? tying my worth to the perception of others.

where does my desire fit in to that?

when does my desire feel good? when does it feel bad? can i recalibrate, refocus, redirect it so that i CAN fulfill it and it feels good?

the challenge and test before me is this - i have an opportunity to live in my own safe space but i need to practice restraint where before, i had none in pursuit of escaping the misery i put myself in. shopping, traveling, lazing about is not an option anymore. and how will i feel when i deny myself my escapes?

i must also come to terms with the fact that right now i am in a DEEPLY uncomfortable and triggering situation, and that what i think may be my desire is actually an urge to escape it. wanting someone elses hands and mouth to take me away from the itching and the void. like a drug, a temporary bliss that then leads to a deeper and more violent crave.

i biked yesterday in the sweltering sun to try and get some of it out. only at the last 10 minutes when i changed my music to songs i could sing and sang aloud did i begin to feel any better. and as soon as i got home and was reminded the irritation began again. it compounded and grew and grew until it was untenable. and im longing for an escape so badly.

called to write again. cried very much all day yesterday, watched the sun change the sky colors in the early morning in a lifeguards chair on the beach. claimed sleep as a solitary thing and slept fully through the night. woke up to the birds with a smile and a future dance awaiting me. im free!!!!