Welcome! Thanks for stopping by. I'm Sunny (Hu) Horstmann and this is my journey from a broken-winged bird to healing and wholeness with God. I love my husband, the nation I was born in (Taiwan) and fresh mangos. I'm thankful that you let share my heart with you.
“You’re on your way to the promised land. Just know this is where we’re going.”Â
This past week, I was so weary and worn yet having difficulty sleeping at night. I’d lay there thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind was like a hamster running even when the lights have all turned off. I desperately wanted some sleep.Â
Then fear started to creep in. Fear of failing again in ministry. I couldn’t shake it.Â
The hours have been a bit more trying and I was afraid I was going to fail again. Somehow in the midst of all the prophetic promises, moving, new coworkers and leaders, I began to tell myself to pull up my bootstraps. I began to tell myself that I just need to push myself a little harder. Work more. So I did and I started to look down more often rather than up into Abba’s eyes.Â
But that morning, I found myself confused, needing to talk to the Lord but not knowing how. Needing His arms around me, the same comfort I felt when I sank into our old sofa back home but not being able to.Â
I turned to Dustin in the prayer room and told him I was tired, weary, worn….feeling like I can’t do the schedule at APHA and everything else it entails. Feeling like I’m going to fail again. After awhile of talking back and forth, he told me what the Lord put on his heart, God wants to love the real me. Who I really am.Â
The tears came flooding in. Invading all the space I was trying to cover with my works. The tower of Babel I was laying brick by brick without God on my side. The painful, weary, trying places of my heart I was working on bettering. I was back on the blindingly bright stage and God in the audience, who I couldn’t see.Â
Then He opened my eyes. I saw dirty children running to God joyfully, knowing in their hearts that He will clean them up. Confident they don’t need to clean themselves up first before running to Him. As they drew closer to the Lord, they grew more and more clean, wearing white clothes rather than the dirty ones they were wearing at first.Â
Then I saw a child in the dark, outside of God’s presence, trying to scrub himself clean before entering. In the process, he was hurting himself because he was scrubbing his own skin too hard. It broke my heart.Â
The Lord then came with His angels and they began dressing my wounds. Caring for each one with patience and gentleness and covering me instead of exposing me. He said to me, “real leadership covers.”Â
Suddenly, the song Healer came through the webstream that was playing in the prayer room.Â
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You
I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
God held me with these promises these words that are true. I found His arms reminding me yet again, so faithfully and so gently, that He is my Healer, not me. He doesn’t expect me to fulfill all the prophetic promises over my life on my own. I can’t get anywhere by trying harder and pushing myself to do better.Â
He reminded me of the passage He highlighted to me the day before,
“Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” -Exodus 14:11,13-14Â
It’s His invitation for me to stand still and witness the salvation of the Lord, the Lord fight for me, destroy the Egyptians while giving me peace during the whole process.Â
Yes Lord, You are my Healer! You are my conquering Lion. He will break every chain, take all my hurt and pain. Thank You Abba!Â
I pray for you to encounter His gentleness, patience and power again today and everyday! He is your Healer as well.Â
Now that we've settled down and are getting ready for our first week as staff at APHA I'm determined to get back to our healthy regime. It's interesting how health is defined differently here in Taiwan. Typically, from what I've gathered, what it means is one eats more fruit and do some stretches here and there.Â
Recently, there's been some reports in Taiwan about processed foods and how they're poisonous....sounds like old news in America, or is it just in certain circles?
I've went on a search for salad mixes, sadly not finding anything yet. My Taiwanese friends have informed me that raw spinach is rare here and when it's available, it's too expensive. I myself have ventured into organic food stores here and most of them are stocked with dry groceries such as powders and mixes. Fresh produce take up little real-estate in theses stores which confuses me.Â
I've juiced a lot this past year, but now am venturing into smoothies. I feel that though less vegetable can go into a smoothie, it'll be easier to prepare and fun to drink. I've found some great recipes on Oh She Glow's page on Green Monster Juice! Check it out:Â http://greenmonstermovement.com/?page_id=39
If you have any tips on finding dark leafy greens or alternatives that are found in Taiwan, would appreciate the input!Â
Not Just Better Healthcare: What the Poor REALLY Needs
Just read this great article this morning. Here are some noteworthy excerpts.Â
"The patient nurturing of self-worth, self-expectations, dreams, and aspirations may be a critical part of helping children escape poverty. It is a holistic approach that secular antipoverty initiatives have largely downplayed, but an approach that Christian development groups have championed for decades.
The traditional approach to development work has been to provide things for people. If people lack education, we build them schools. If they are unhealthy, we build them hospitals and provide doctors, or we drill a freshwater well. If their small businesses are stagnant, we provide microcredit so they can borrow.
While each of these interventions can be helpful in the right context, mere provision fails to address the root of poverty: the behaviors, social systems, and mindset that are created by poverty.
The key to ending poverty resides in the capacity of human beings—and their view of their own capacity—to facilitate positive change.
Indeed, every time we provide something for someone else in need, we send a subtle message to them that we believe they are incapable of providing for themselves.
While some interventions are necessary, especially in the area of health, they come at a cost of reinforcing an inferiority complex among the poor. Good development organizations understand this. Along with providing some basic resources that allow children to progress farther in school, the child-development approach advocated by Compassion appears to get under the hood of human beings to instill aspirations, character formation, and spiritual direction.
In short, it trains people to be givers instead of receivers." -Want to Change the World? Sponsor a Child (Article from Christianity Today)Â
It is true. Scars heal and after awhile its once vivid imprints on the body fade away. Though it may take days, months, years and decades maybe, it fades under the light of His face and in His gentle hands.Â
(photo credit:Â SodanieChea)
I was growing weary of listening to others recount their healing testimonies. Particularly others who have already experienced healing in their relationships with their parents. I wanted so desperately to know what that’s like.Â
I tried. I tried to be polite. To smile when the buttons of pain in my heart are pushed by careless words. To look away when wounds are triggered. But I still cried, I still yelled, I still felt. It seemed like it would never stop.Â
Truth found me again hiding in the corner. He sang songs to calm my fears. He clothed me with beauty, covering me with safety. He held my hand until I was ready to come out of the darkness. Then He opened my eyes to see from His own beautiful sight.Â
Who I am to Him is one who loves Him, loves my family but just simply struggling to heal on my own. He held me, put faith in my heart to trust in His kindness and goodness. Then one day, I looked up back into His eyes to see clearly once again. To receive without flinching. Stepped into the day with His hand in mine.Â
I can see clearly the truth. He loves me and will continually fill me so I can love. Love my mom. See her brokenness. See her efforts at love I once dismissed as control, abuse and use. Open my clenched fists to receive freely once again from Him all that I ever will need.Â
Becoming a House of Prayer: we are His resting place
As I sit here in my mom's apartment in Taipei, Taiwan where I used to be tempted and give into the lie that God has forsaken this country, I am reminded of what God spoke to me when I sat here last October. As I was struggling to focus on my quiet time, I looked outside the window and my eyes fell upon the mountains in the distance. The Lord whispered, "I made those mountains, even now, I am here in this place."Â
"I will lift up my eyes to the hills— From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel Shall neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, Nor the moon by night. The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul. The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in From this time forth, and even forevermore." -Psalm 121Â
I still remember when I would be struck with fear when I visited Taiwan, this land that is populated with temples and overt idol worship. But as the years progressed, unbeknownst to me, the Lord was faithfully perfecting me while I sat in His presence and gazed into His beauty. Just by looking at Him, sitting with Him transformed me into His likeness, my heart into His home. This is how powerful He is
Though there will be difficult times in Taiwan and intense spiritual warfare, God has etched this powerful truth into my heart, He is with me even until the end. Thank You Lord.Â
As I was packing up our kitchen today, I couldn't help but feel a bit sad about leaving this place. Though a couple weeks back, some unanswered questions and unresolved issues tempted me to give into resentment, now a week away from moving to Asia and leaving this place, I feel that God has brought my heart to a much better place.Â
This all took place within a week. First, Dustin’s mentor, Gary was in town last week to attend IHOPKC’s Israel Mandate conference. Something he said really stuck with me. It’s simple really, right there in the Bible waiting for me to remember again that God does work ALL things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Even though there are some loose strings that I’d rather have double knotted and tied to something solid, I’m choosing to trust that He is good and He’ll work the troubling things out for my good.Â
Lastly, at my small group this past Tuesday, Becky shared a revelation she received that deeply blessed me. She said that there will always be people who are critical of us. But God calls us to look to Him and live before the audience of One, Him alone. I’m not called to live before man and make sure everyone likes me and is ok with the choices I make in my life. If that was the case, I’d be going nuts.Â
Before all these words God spoke to me, I was preoccupied and overly consumed with the potential of people not liking me in Taiwan for some reason. Afraid that I’d fail and disappoint people. But the Lord continually reminds me that there is no place where I can hide from His presence. That though it’s dark and there are idols and temples everywhere in Taiwan, He IS STILL THERE with me! And everyday is a new opportunity to wake up to His voice singing loudly over me and take His hand to do that day with Him!Â
Thank You Lord for these little nuggets. You always know what I need to hear!
Anointed Book on the Father's Love: Jack Frost's Experiencing the Father's Embrace
I just picked up this book the other day and have already been deeply touched by its anointing to reveal the Father's love. I've heard of Jack Frost from my friend a couple years back but recently, I've just been feeling that the Lord is taking me even deeper into His love for me as my Father so I picked it up.
If this is something you're wanting to go deeper into, I highly recommend checking this book out.Â
I also found some teaching videos of his on YouTube. They're really good too! Hope these resources blesses your heart and takes you deep into Abba's embrace!
I’ve sometimes thought it was a blessing that my dads (both my stepdad and dad) are so uninvolved in my life. My mother’s way of loving me was enough in one sense to invade all the empty spaces my dads left behind both in a positive and negative sense. I needed at least a few parents to leave me alone and just let me be, or so I thought.Â
But as I see other fathers in our community love and care for their children, the longings for the Father’s love are awakened. As I enter marriage, I see my own resentments toward my fathers manifest in the angry words and impatience I have towards Dustin. How quickly I would jump to the assumption and accuse Dustin of not caring or wanting to help me because that’s what I felt towards my fathers.Â
One of our friends from Switzerland, often I would see him in the prayer room with his adorable French speaking daughters. Whenever they leaned over to whisper something in his ears or lean in for a hug, he would happily indulge them no matter what he was in the middle of.Â
I have grown too accustomed to the distorted reflection of the father. When my Heavenly Father is looking into my eyes, it’s still difficult for me to recognize Him standing before me with open arms. How often I would turn God down when He asks if I need help, not knowing that I am not a bother to Him but bringing joy to His heart. God, Abba truly DELIGHTS in helping me and making His power available to me, embracing me when I need to be reminded of His loving presence. He LOVES to help me!Â
I know He is helping me, gently holding my hand as we walk deeper into His love for me as a Father. Help me receive freely from You Abba all that You love to give to me.
Even as we make this big move, at certain points, when I feel stressed and overwhelmed it’s still easy for me to give into the lie that Abba doesn’t care and doesn’t want to help me. But as I remember the favor and blessings He has already poured out upon us on our journey towards Taiwan, how He has paved the way, I see Him helping us. He has given Dustin a resident visa though I only applied for a visitor visa for him. He’s brought great renters who I can trust with our home (they’re painting our cabinets and building a deck out back for us!). He’s blessed us with finances for our move though we didn’t ask for it. He has even blessed me with some great additions to my wardrobe that I didn’t even think to ask for since I thought it was unnecessary.Â
Yes, Abba, You know the longings, the desires of my heart even better than myself and You LOVE to help me. Help me to keep my heart and palms open to receive freely all that Your infinite love has for me.Â
Getting Perspective of the Storm: Making Sense of the Past 7 Years
As the day for our departure for Taiwan draws near, my heart’s becoming increasingly emotional. Yet as I prayed and sought the Lord, I was unable to understand the source of such tumult in my heart. I felt like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, confounded as a tornado sweeps up everything around me, swallowed up in the mess.Â
As I look back to the past seven years I’ve been at IHOP-KC, I can’t help but notice how difficult and painful my time here as been. Within the past few years, I’ve been stripped of many things, my heart broken by the loss of my sister, vision, dream, friends, church family, who I thought I was, my self-esteem, my pride and the list goes on. I didn’t feel offense in my heart, but I longed to know what it was all for? I needed closure of some sort for this chapter of my life. Â
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Though through these seven years, my outer self was wasting away, He has been faithfully renewing me day by day. Preparing for me an eternal glory that far surpasses all the materially attractive things of this world that truly ARE fading away.Â
How important it is to remember that we are to set our eyes on the things that are unseen rather than measure the success of our lives, our faith and relationship with God by the things that are seen, the world’s measuring stick.
Much of the fruits that the seeds God has sown in me, cultivated in me these past years will not be seen nor tasted and enjoyed until later, perhaps some not until I see His face. But the Lord is calling me to set my eyes on things above, the things unseen. Press my ear against His heart and listen to His heart beat for me, “I am proud of you and doing a good work in you.”Â
The condition of the church throughout the world today is shocking and disconcerting. Believers are loosing heart, preachers are in sin, churches are in disunity, friendly fires are being set off left and right. The world does not need another outwardly fruitful believer, it needs those who know Jesus and believe His Word. It may sound easy, but are we willing to go through God’s fire to be refined and purified by His loving presence?Â
Thank You for this reminder Lord. Set my eyes on You. Â
This is the Christian way of “opposing” someone. When you are trying to motivate people by urging them to see their riches and love in Christ, then you personally are pointing to their value and dignity as you appeal. But when you try to motivate people by threatening them, you will probably feel little respect for them as you do so, and they will (rightly) sense that you are not on their side. When we use God’s grace as a motivator, we can criticize sharply and directly, but the other person will generally be able to perceive that we are nonetheless for them.
Keller, Timothy (2013-02-10). Galatians For You (God's Word For You) Kindle Edition.Â
Nearly seven years ago, when I first arrived at IHOP-KC for the Onething Internship, I was ready to take over the world for Jesus. I now find myself chuckling at my youthful zeal back then, all the dreams and aspirations I had and the belief that I can build God's kingdom without His help nor the Body of Christ. Haha. Oh…man, I'm thankful for God's rod and staff, they do comfort me so.Â
(Onething Internship Summer 2006)
At one of the altar calls during my internship, the Lord whispered to me, "let me first conquer your heart, then we can go conquer the world." At that time it felt painful to say yes to that invitation from the Lord. I wanted to do so much for Him but He was asking that I lay my dreams down and trust His leadership over my life. I was scared, saddened and pained for I did not want to face my heart. God then showed me my heart in a vision, it was a collage of broken shards of glass, ugly in my eyes.Â
In a recent encounter, the Lord showed me a brand new heart He has given me. He said, "because you let me hold your heart, I've given you a new heart."Â
"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26Â
Since I've arrived at IHOPKC, I've wanted to return to Taiwan to minister to the youth there. Taiwan is a little island southeast of China. It has the most idol temples per capita, one of the highest abortion rates (per capita) in the world, and the divorce rate there is 70% in Taipei (the capitol of Taiwan). Yet despite such darkness, the light is shining so bright! You can just feel revival in the air. Many youths are coming to the Lord in this nation and many are coming into the kingdom still, broken hearted, depressed, struggling with all sorts of perversion and self-hatred.Â
Each time I had the opportunity to return to this country where I was born, I grieved for the youths and believers there. They are pushed so hard to perform in order to show that they love the Lord. There is such brokenness there that is not often ministered to nor talked about. Yet each time I return, I felt unprepared and oppressed by the spiritual atmosphere there. My fears and insecurities I struggle with would flare up each time I return.Â
Last summer, the Lord started to say to me, "Asia soon." Dustin began to receive similar words from the Lord and from others as well. I received these words with mixed emotions. On one hand I felt excited yet on the other hand I felt fear of my inadequacy.Â
Then the Lord opened the door for us to visit Taiwan last October. During our time there, we were able to meet up with Kyle, the leader of Apostolic Prayer House of Asia, the ministry we will be joining. After hearing how the Lord wounded his heart when him and his team visited IHOP-KC last winter, my heart was moved and my eyes misty. As he went on about how the Lord started to bring emotionally broken young people to build the house of prayer, I noticed his eyes were tearing as well. Their heart to minister to youths in the context of the house of prayer, to disciple them and provide inner healing intrigued both Dustin and I for that is what we longed to do.Â
(some of the staff members of APHA at our house this January)
Yet even hearing all of that and loving what they felt called to, I still had my reservations. Can I live in Taipei again? Can I stand the smog, the pollution, the spiritual atmosphere, the culture, the lack of space? Can I leave my beloved adorable home we just finished? I was very doubtful. But the Lord started to prepare and change my heart.Â
In January, we met with Kyle and his wife Zana during their time here at IHOP-KC. We asked if they were looking for people to come alongside them and help them build their new house of prayer and they responded with an emphatic "YES!" They said that we were an answer to their prayers! As we shared our giftings and our vision, it felt more and more like this is what the Lord has been whispering to us about.Â
I then waited for more confirmation since I still felt uneasy about the potential move. The Lord was faithful to answer and give my heart the grace and peace I longed for. First, my spiritual mother Becky shared that while praying for me and this opportunity, she saw a vision of Jesus weeping over the youth of Taiwan. Then she saw me come alongside the Lord, put my arm around Him and carried His heart that was grieving over this nation. He then handed me a gold coin. She did not know that this house of prayer was started by 7Shekels, a Christian band (shekels are coins referred to in the Bible, they can be gold or silver). I felt that vision was a powerful confirmation from the Lord.Â
Despite this confirmation, I still felt uneasy inside about the potential move. Then one day, while singing on a Chinese set at IHOP-KC, the Lord spoke as we were singing the chorus to "How He Loves." I was feeling unqualified and inept, He then quoted two verses to me:Â
"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7Â
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young," -1 Timothy 4:12
 I felt tears fall as peace entered into my heart about this opportunity.Â
A few years ago, I received a word from Reverend Anton Cruz, a minister from India in it he said, "in seven years you will be in the front lines." In a recent conversation with Kyle, the leader of APHA he said that when we come to Taiwan, we'll be in the front lines. This July will mark my seventh year at IHOPKC. God is so funny sometimes isn't He? I love these little mystery games He plays with us. :)
(the house of prayer we will be working at in Taiwan)
The whole point of my post is not to boast of how awesome my calling is, but rather to testify of the faithfulness of the Lord. Though we don't know where He is leading us or what He's doing in our lives or if He's even there at all, it does not change the truth that He has good plans for us and He is our good shepherd and the overseer of our souls. He sees you and is taking care of you right now.Â
The other thing I have to say is that I used to aspire after platform ministry but through these years God has given me the gift of valuing what He values, my relationship with Him. There is nothing in the world that brings me more joy and peace than hearing Him speak to me and dwelling in His presence. Though you may be struggling right now and pained over where your life is or wondering if promises over your life is ever going to come to pass, trust in the goodness of the Lord. Simply speak out with faith, "I believe You are good and You are leading me" for this is the truth.Â
There is no such thing as Christian work. That is, there is no work in the world which is, in and of itself, Christian. Christian work is any kind of work, from cleaning a sewer to preaching a sermon, that is done by a Christian and offered to God. This means that nobody is excluded from serving God. It means that no work is "beneath" a Christian. It means there is no job in the world that needs to be boring or useless. A Christian finds fulfillment not in the particular kind of work he does, but in the way in which he does it. Work done for Christ all the time must be "full-time Christian work."
 Elisabeth Elliot on the discipline of work in her book, Discipline
Article on Relevant magazine that my small group leader, Becky Falkner shared with me. Really insightful and true. Hope it blesses you and prepares your precious heart for marriage or to enjoy your marriage.
Haven't done this in awhile so I thought I'd catch you up with all that I have been reading in case you're looking for a book to snuggle up to.Â
Discipline by Elisabeth Elliot
Restoring the Christian Family by John Loren & Paula Sandford
This insightful book provides important Biblical understanding of God's calling upon Christian families and marriages. It teaches on the priorities and values God calls us to in our families. This book is for everyone, singles, married, parents etc. I highly recommend it for anyone who desires to gain a better understanding of God's purposes for families, marriages and parenthood. Not only do the authors focus on families, but because of their background in inner healing (Elijah House), the book also addresses enlightening details regarding the natural maturing process children go through to help both parents and future parents understand their children and know how to guide and discipline them accordingly. In the face of the culture of the world today that diminishes the importance of family, marriage and children, I feel that this is an important book to have in your library.Â
More Than Serving Tea by Asifa Dean, Christie Heller de Leon, Kathy Khang
This book recounts the stories of Asian American Christian women's struggle to reconcile their culture and faith. Their stories, revelation and peace they've received from God by finding their identity in Him is not only encouraging but also helps me recognize the process the Lord has taken me through. I recommend this book for Asian American Christian women and anyone else who have a heart for this unique group of believers. This book has helped me recognize some of the problems in Asian culture that goes against the culture of God's kingdom with hope in Christ to guide us into His truth. Though I didn't agree with some of the points that were addressed in the book (i.e. measuring success of Asian American women by Forbes 100, the media or holding highly influential jobs, it's just a small portion of the book though) I believe it's a good book for those who are desiring greater understanding in this area.Â
Beautiful Letdown: the hidden blessing of being letdown by ministries, position & leaders
I'm seeing it more and more. Perhaps it's simply because I'm in a ministry that attracts young zealous believers. I've been noticing a trend of young believers who are deeply wounded and disillusioned by a ministry, their own leadership position and/or by Christian leaders.Â
(photo credit: accretion disc)
These individuals used to be on-stage, on the front lines trumpeting and declaring a message. Now they have removed themselves from everything that has to do with platform ministry. Some receiving inner-healing, discipleship, maturing and being ministered to by the true Gospel….some not.Â
Yet, though it is deeply painful to be let down by all those you once looked to, it is in actuality a beautiful blessing I believe. For Christ Himself did not entrust himself to man,
Too many in our youthful immature zeal for the Lord, in our brokenness put our trust in a leader, in a ministry, in our platform ministry to save us, to give us identity and worth. God is faithful to tear down every idol that comes between His beloved children and Himself. For when we look to broken and weak man for the things only God can give to us, we will be let down and hurt. But God is faithful to each and every one of us. He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is faithful to restore the years the locust has eaten and use our own mistakes to bless us. Oh, what a marvelous God we have.Â
I have yet to fully understand all the "whys" of what He did in this area of my life and whether it needed to be that severe and painful. Yet, the words He has spoken to my heart, His patience and love towards me throughout this journey has brought me peace into the once broken and pained places of my heart. Moreover, He's given me a deep friendship with Him, the only One worthy to sit on the throne of my heart and be worshipped with my all. For that I am thankful for. Oh how it satisfies and heals my soul to worship God alone.
ellievsbear
izzy806
origamiaround
vaporwave
amandla