boiii @winnerslovelosing - Tumblr Blog

everybody here wants you | winterwidow

summary: jamie “bucky” barnes can’t stand natasha and nobody knows why, not even natasha really knows. but it’s okay because asgardian alcohol is able to break down the defenses of any super soldier.

warnings: angst, alcohol, blood(?), BUCKY IS A WOMAN, toxic yuri situationship, idiot lesbians yearning

word count: 3k ish

a/n: highkey i got hella lazy with this but i needed to see it happen because there is genuinely NO lesbianified winterwidow and i need it. i wish i was a good writer because winterwidow lesbians could be so much better. prolly ooc.

—

feel free to skip this if you want, because if i had as many nickels for every time natasha and bucky interacted in the mcu, i would probably have four(?) nickels, so here is some backstory lore i made up:

natasha and bucky are missions partners in hydra, and they grow close after one too many close calls together, plus bucky trains her. but natasha, who was raised on “love is for children,” starts something with bucky for the sake of having a warm body that she trusts. and bucky, who hasn’t felt love in like 70 years, doesnt remember what this feeling is, but knows that she likes it.

so they have a weird situationship together. but then natasha leaves to join shield, which hurts bucky because she thought they had something together. but natasha was only with bucky for the sake of being with someone. plus, why would the winter soldier love someone like her anyways?

—

it was strange, to say the least. natasha knew who she was, but at the same time, she really didn’t, not anymore. watching from afar, natasha stands behind the bar with a drink in hand. at this point in the party, most of stark’s clients and acquaintances have left, leaving just the main avengers.

clint and wanda are casually talking together on the couches with not much drinking from either one of them. bruce is asleep, said he had something to do in the morning. she needs another drink, is what she decides as she downs the one in her hand. being the bartender has its clear benefits, as she can make her drinks to her liking, and that’s exactly what she does.

while natasha is doing so, she sees tony walk up to her in her peripheral. she knows what he wants to talk to her about. “y’know, you’re drinking more than you’re serving,” tony tells her, he’s trying to read her expression, but she won’t let him.

“everyone’s leaving, nobody wants a drink,”

she pours out her perfectly uneven ratio of alcohol to mixer. “uh yeah, because the bartender is drinking like a maniac and glaring everyone down,” “i’m not glaring,” she says and tony gives her a look.

“what’s with you recently?” he asks, oddly genuine, though it’s more curiosity than something out of the genuineness in his heart, “you still arguing with barne—?“ “nothing is going on between me and her, are you suddenly worried about me, stark?” she abruptly cuts him off with an question before sipping on her cocktail.

“i’m worried about my alcohol, the alcohol you’re chugging down, you’ve got expensive taste, romanoff.” tony peeks behind the bar and gestures to all the empty bottles that he is sure that natasha drained.

“you’ll be fine, arent you supposed to be kicking guests out with pepper?” “yup, and now it’s your turn,” she cocks her head at him, he better not, natasha says to herself.

“this is me officially saying: i’m cutting you off, so get away from my bar.” tony declares and gestures her to get out with his hands. then he walks off, not giving natasha a chance to refute his words. natasha rolls her eyes, but he’s the boss after all. she downs the rest of her drink and moves out of the bar. she takes her pick and joins clint and wanda who are still on the couches in the middle of the room.

clint is an annoying but warm presence, and she means that with love. wanda is a little quiet but she’s slowly warming up. natasha likes her, she’s a quick learner and has decent judgement for her age.

the three of them spend the night talking and winding down from the party. natasha can feel clint watching her, and she knows he will bother her about it later. wanda can feel something is off too, she just doesn’t know what.

while clint is talking about whatever he’s talking about, natasha is zoned out. then clint laughs at her. she looks back over at him with a bit of a puzzled look in her eyes, “what?” she asks.

“something catch your eye, nat?”

natasha didn’t think he would bother her about it now, and she’d rather not talk about it out here. “shut up and tell your story,” she irks and gives him the most cordial smile she can muster, wanda just sits silently between the two assassins.

“it’s hard to when my audience is clearly busy elsewhere,” he quips back, “we’re both right here, barton.” “i know wanda’s here with me, and y’know, i’m pretty sure i know where you are,” he gives her that stupid look and she glares at him.

“…are you talking about bucky?”

wanda cuts in with a quiet voice, she’s hesitant to ask. almost everybody knows that ever since bucky joined the avengers, her and natasha have not gotten along.

natasha stiffens, it’s a topic that she doesn’t want to talk about. “…no, why would we talk about her?” she responds to wanda with malice directed at clint. “…um, well, i think i will gonna turn in for the night, thank you for talking with me, barton,” wanda stands up and makes her getaway. “no need to thank him wanda,” “look at what you did, nat,” “you brought it up.”

clint goes quiet because he knows she is right, she knows it too. she’s still a little pissed that clint brought it up right here, and he can tell, “i was just joking, y’know,” he elbows her softly.

“i know.”

“you really hate talking about it, huh?” he softens his tone apologetically, natasha releases her glare from him. “i’d rather not,” she grabs clint’s beer on the table and finishes the rest of it. clint scoots closer to her and speaks in a whisper.

“you should talk to her, it’s been months now,” “clint.” “sorry,” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. she can feel his concerned gaze on her, she appreciates him, “i’ve tried, but nothing,” natasha tells him.

natasha’s eyes are drawn to laughter over to her right, where a god and two super soldiers stand. “…slow down bucky, it’s your first time drinking since the 40’s,” steve remarks, “how are you still so sober?”

the three are talking and laughing and natasha suddenly finds herself feeling bitter. natasha plants clint’s bottle on the table, a little louder than intended, “i’m just worried about you, natasha” she registers clint’s voice and directs her gaze back at him.

“i know.”

natasha stands up, “i think im done for the night, barton.” clint nods silently and she walks to the elevator, natsha can feel his gaze lingering on her back. she inputs her floor level and leans against the wall of the elevator.

she smiles gently at clint, and before the doors can close, her eyes fixate on that laughter in the corner. bucky is looking at natasha, but her eyes are wrinkled with disdain and an emotion that natasha just can’t name.

natasha’s smile fades and she’s left dejected and a bit angry with an ache in her chest as the doors finally shut. she just needs to sleep it off, natasha figures as the elevator quickly takes her to her floor. it’s just another night, she thinks to herself and steps out of the elevator. who cares, she tells herself while heading to her room. natasha is quick to change out of her dress and into some casual clothes.

she tosses the dress into her hamper and heads to her bathroom to wash off her makeup. natasha feels a bit flushed from the alcohol so the cold water is refreshing on her face. natasha stares at herself in the mirror, despite how much she drank, her cheeks are only a little red. she turns off the water and removes the rest of her makeup.

after finishing up in the bathroom, she walks back into her bedroom and gets into bed. natasha usually isn’t like this, but she’s still in a bit of a sour mood, damn you clint.

her eyes were so cold, natasha thinks back, it’s as if she was looking right through her. natasha doesn’t blame bucky for loathing her, she just wishes she could apologize or even explain, but bucky just refuses to listen.

natasha regrets the way she treated bucky as the winter soldier, she truly does. but it’s not like bucky would’ve ever loved her anyways, she’s sure that bucky’s grudge comes from remembering how natasha used her.

for fun, that was her reason for being with the winter soldier, or rather, bucky. it feels wrong to call her bucky, or even jamie, her name doesn’t deserve to be uttered through natasha’s lips. those stupid eyes of hers have always been so easy to read, natasha criticizes, then she lets out a laugh. even after all this time, she’s still thinking about her. it’s pathetic, natasha is the one who left her after all.

she doesn’t know whether she wants closure or if she just wants bucky to speak to her. most missions with bucky and natasha would usually require a third person to act as a messenger between the two. both of them were beyond capable of completing missions, but together? their teamwork was nonexistent. natasha has tried to work with bucky, but she’s just unwilling.

natasha believes that bucky is being a little petty for holding a grudge like this, it actually irritates her a little. well, she’s tried to do something about it, that’s more than bucky has ever done, natasha tells herself. she forces herself to sleep, she remembers that she has a mission with steve, clint, and tony tomorrow. the three of them will be infiltrating a hydra base to steal information and shut the place down.

but then the shattering of glass one room over wakes her up. no alarms go off, so this is occurring internally. she checks her clock, only two hours have passed since she fell asleep, natasha grabs her gun from her bedside drawer and makes her way out of her room.

the noise seems to have also woken wanda up and she’s standing on guard in the hallway. “watch my back,” natasha whispers to wanda and she nods. the noise had come from the room next to natasha’s, which was bucky’s room.

she and wanda creep along the edge of the hallway to bucky’s room. natasha pushes bucky’s door open, it creeks ominously. immediately, natasha notices that bucky isn’t even in bed and that the bathroom light is on.

“wanda, wait here,” she tells her before moving in, her eyes scan bucky’s room carefully. the room is secure, she confirms, then she makes her way to the bathroom. pushing the door open, she sees bucky hunched over the bathroom sink. the mirror is shattered and all over the ground and the sink. natasha sighs and puts her gun down, then she turns to wanda with a look.

“you can go back to bed wanda, i can handle it from here.” wanda pauses for a moment, her eyes asking if natasha is sure, “it’s fine,” she assures her. wanda listens and turns back, now natasha has to deal with this.

“natalia..?”

hearing that name immediately makes natasha nervous, she looks back towards the bathroom to see bucky looking at her. bucky’s face is flushed red and loose strands of hair have fallen over her face and her eyes are looking right at natasha.

natasha doesn’t really know what to do. bucky’s human fist is bleeding, there are mirror shards sticking out of her knuckles. “bucky—“ “it’s jamie,” bucky cuts her off and takes a step towards her, those were her first words to natasha.

“are you okay… jamie?” she asks, the name falls off her tongue with an awkward familiarity. “natalia, where are we?” bucky asks while looking around in a daze, “we’re in the avengers tower, you’re bleeding.”

“huh? s’nothing,” she slurs, “…come with me,” natasha gestures, and bucky staggers toward her before bumping into the door frame. she’s clearly drunk, natasha sighs and reaches for bucky’s cold metal hand.

“i’ve… i’ve got you,” it feels weird to say that to her, natasha thinks to herself. she leads bucky out of her room and through the hallway, “where’re you takin’ me?” bucky mumbles while blinking slowly.

“the infirmary, your hand is bleeding, bu— jamie,” natasha tells her again. her hand holds bucky’s metal one tightly, natasha looks back for a second. bucky’s head hangs low as she is dragged along by natasha.

“m’kay,” bucky’s voice is soft yet still just as gruff. the two of them make it to the elevator and natasha directs them to the infirmary floor. “natalia,” bucky calls her name again, and natasha looks at her, “what?”

bucky doesn’t respond, her eyes are dangerous in a way that’s different from natasha’s, theyre big and warm despite all she’s seen. “let me see your other hand,” natasha tells her, needing to distract herself.

natasha inspects bucky’s hand carefully, blood drips slowly from the cuts in her knuckles. shards of mirror poke out of bucky’s rough skin, she unintentionally notes how warm bucky’s human hand is.

“you looked pretty tonight,” bucky utters suddenly, natasha doesn’t say anything back. she doesn’t know what to say. should she thank bucky? does tell bucky that she looked good too? so instead, natasha just stays silent.

the elevator stops at the infirmary floor and natasha leads bucky to one of the beds. “sit here, i’ll get supplies,” natasha tells her, “m’kay,” bucky nods blankly. natasha grabs a basic first aid kit and returns to bucky’s side.

bucky is sitting on the bed, legs hanging off the side. natasha has pulled up a chair, grabbed a cart with a basin, set up the supplies from the medkit, and brought bucky a cup of water to sober up. “don’t touch it,” natasha scolds bucky, who is trying to pick out the shards of glass, she flinches and stops. “are you worried ‘bout me?” bucky asks, her drifting eyes lock onto natasha.

“…drink the water, you’re drunk,” she states, it’s more of an affirmation for herself than for bucky. “just don’t touch your hand,” natasha sighs as she begins to focus on bucky’s bleeding hand.

“why did you do that to your mirror?” natasha asks, changing the topic because she needs to. bucky sips the water silently as natasha uses tweezers to remove the shards from her hand.

“i saw her, but ‘m not her anymore,” she mutters, “..right?” because in this moment, bucky isnt sure. natasha grimaces as she realizes who bucky is referring to. her voice is so pitiful and weepy that natasha almost looks at her.

“you’re jamie barnes, your friends call you bucky, and you’re not with hydra anymore,” she summarizes. natasha knows better than to look up, those brown eyes of bucky’s are a trap.

once natasha has picked out all of the glass shards, she begins to disinfect the wounds. fortunately, none of the cuts are too bad, so no stitches. “that burns,” bucky grumbles, “you’ll be okay,” natasha tells her.

“really?” bucky asks again, and natasha nods. after cleaning the wound, natasha begins wrapping bucky’s knuckles. the air is a little unnerving on natasha’s behalf. “can’t you be a little more worried?” bucky asks, she sounds like a child. “why would you want that?” “‘cause i want you to worry ‘bout me,” bucky answers.

“you’re being childish,” again, natasha doesn’t really know what to say. people say that drunk words are sober thoughts, but bucky must be the exception, natasha thinks. ever since she was rescued from hydra, bucky has actively avoided natasha like the plague. so to hear bucky say such things makes no sense to her, it actually pisses natasha off a little. she’s conflicted between guilt and irritation towards bucky.

“you’re just drunk.”

natasha ties off the bandage and stands up, “i’m taking you back now.” “where?” bucky asks as she stands up with her, “your room.” “m‘kay,” in her attempt to follow behind natasha, she again, bumps into the edge of one of the other beds.

natasha sighs and grabs bucky’s metal hand again, she just wants to go to bed. the walk to the elevator is silent, natasha is rather annoyed now. she can’t understand what bucky is feeling, she doesn’t understand bucky at all.

they step out of the elevator and make their way down the hall to bucky’s room. do you even want anything to do with me after all? she thinks, then scoffs to herself.

“yes,”

natasha stops and turns to bucky, “what?” “i do,” bucky mumbles, did she say that out loud? she didn’t think she did, she didn’t mean to. but then natasha’s eyes meet bucky’s and she knows she’s fallen right into bucky’s trap.

those whiskey brown eyes of hers remind her of the time they spent together. of all the nights where they laughed and cried and held eachother, not just in an intimate sense, but also because they needed eachother.

she has always loved and hated how expressive bucky’s eyes are. they told natasha so much, and now, maybe too much. and now bucky is staring at her and natasha is frozen in place with how uncomfortably familiar it is.

natasha can’t bring herself to look away from her. so when their eyes lock in a downcast love and natasha realizes that bucky is a coward and that she is a fool.

natasha scoffs and clenches her jaw before filling her eyes with a level of apathy that only she can falsify. “i didn’t mean that,” natasha clarifies. “…and you’re drunk,” she repeats again, though it only brings her empty comfort.

“natalia,”

bucky calls out to her, but natasha just looks away. she grips bucky’s metal hand a little harder and leads her towards her room. natasha stops at the door, and she is sharp with her words, “it’s natasha.”

she opens up the door and sits bucky in her bed, but when she tries to leave, she can’t move. bucky is keeping her in place, she’s annoyingly strong and natasha doesn’t have the energy to deal with this.

“jamie, let go,” bucky looks up at her with a dark glint in her eyes. “…jamie,” natasha sighs and tries to pull her hand away, but bucky only grips her hand harder.

then bucky yanks natasha onto her bed, onto her, which takes natasha by surprise. “don’t leave me again,” bucky mumbles, and natasha feels her throat tighten. she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

what the hell does she say to that? natasha thinks, “can’t you just stay?” bucky pleads. “…tell me that when you’re sober, jamie, let go,” natasha tries to get away, but bucky’s steel grip on her hand doesn’t loosen.

then bucky’s warm human hand tangles in her hair and brings natasha ever closer. but before anything, natasha slips her hand on bucky’s lips, blocking her. “you coward,” she vocalizes, bucky is stunned and her grip loosens.

it’s just enough for natasha to slip away, “you’re a goddamn coward, jamie,” natasha tells her, “you can’t just act like an asshole then tell me that you miss me,” natasha snaps, standing over bucky. “but i do,” “you’re just drunk, you don’t know what you’re feeling,” natasha repeats. this time her words are directed a little more at bucky then at herself.

natasha knows her anger is misdirected, but she can’t help it. she’s angry at herself for not seeing it sooner, but also at bucky for saying nothing. to think bucky had felt the same, no wonder she is so angry at natasha. so she balls her fists up and refrains from saying more.

—

a/n: inspired by the song “everybody here wants you,” by jeff buckley, but just the downcast love part

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

boiii