Rust and Stardust

Here's to a future of always trying to be a better person than I was the day before 

[blythebaird]

THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dogs. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: “Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.

THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird (via blythebaird)

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

shards

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I hope life treats my child more gently than me

I don’t want her to be forged from fire

I want her to grow from soil

with deep roots

and cycles that ebb and flow

rather than open flood gates and rip tides 

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I’m so exhausted 

from being the adult that none of the adults around me can be

I’m embarrassed by how shitty things have been

It would’ve been enough if it was just the death of Kimmie’s dad

It would’ve been enough if it was just my brother’s emergency wedding 

It would’ve been enough if it was just the end to my 3 year relationship

It would’ve been enough if it was just my grandmother’s stroke

it would’ve been enough it if was just my roommates being bitches 

It would’ve been enough if it was just my dad’s cancer scare

It would’ve been enough if it was just my mother’s headaches and seizures

It would’ve been enough if it was just my brother’s tenuous mental health

It would’ve been enough if it was just my dad’s relapse 

It would’ve been enough if it was just his TBI

It would’ve been enough if it was just his refusal to get treatment

but it is all of these things. 

and I don’t know if I am enough 

to keep going

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I thought it was the antibiotics making him forgetful and disoriented 

Until I was helping my father off of the floor while he was wearing nothing but his green underwear 

he was not taking the antibiotics

he was taking the four vodka bottles I found in the house 

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I panic whenever I hear a loud noise in the house. I worry that it’ll be him on the floor again. but this time, I’ll be too late

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I found my dad last night on the ground

I heard the door creak from upstairs

and then the dog began to bark

I was worried it was a burglar or someone there to do us harm

I yelled for my mom and went downstairs

the front door was open--it’s never open

but I couldn’t see anything outside.

My dad was not in his chair

he was not on the couch

he was not there

My mothers phone rang

a call from two good sameritans who had my father 

he was right outside.

he was on the ground

laying there

face down

not moving

under a blanket from the woman’s car

his left shoe was off of his foot

there was a smashed bottle of kettle one vodka

and blood

so much blood.

He was slurring 

they said he couldnt get up

they called an ambulance

the EMTs rolled him over

i put on his left shoe

and tried not to look at his bloodied face

they put him on a stretcher

he asked for the blanket back

they put him in the ambulance and I had to give them his information

First name. Last name. spelled out--not spoken, because no one ever gets it right. 

I rattled off the names of his medications. 

The antidepressant he told me he stopped taking cold turkey

The diazepam that’s only as needed for anxiety but I didn’t know if he took it today

The antibiotic that is supposed to clear up what we thought was prostate cancer but hopefully isn’t

and the diabetes medicine I don’t know the name of. 

I saw my breath in the cold with each word and felt the goose flesh pebble my legs

The EMTs asked me if I wanted to ride along 

but my mom can’t drive

and I was in shorts and I didn’t have my phone to call Max

I wanted to run back inside but I didn’t want them to waste time not treating him.

So I let them go. 

I made sure to be gracious. to thank the EMTs for helping him

On Christmas night

I did not want them to see him as a drunk. 

I wanted them to know that he mattered to me before they drove away.

After I hopped out of the ambulance, I allowed myself one minute to cry

then I sucked  

In the hospital they told us they didn’t know how long he was out in the cold, laying on the ground, in a puddle of vodka and his own blood

 but his temperature was dangerously low

I could see his eye then--starting to swell and bruise 

smaller cuts nicked his arms and hands.

The xrays were good but the CT was worrisome

He had a subdural hematoma--blood in his brain

I told him earlier that night that my worst fear was that he’d crack his head open and die

Now he did 

but drunks have nine lives

"There are no more excuses. I can’t think of any. I’m sorry I’m not the perfect father. I have a disease. I am going to go to this rehab in January. I just need to keep all of the balls in the air. You don’t understand. I’m okay. I’m sorry.”

When we took him home the next day, he was so weak he couldn’t make it up the stairs. He shook and vomited and slept. 

then he woke up the next day

put a hat over his nine face stitches and black eye

and pretended like 

it 

was

 all 

okay

I guess he found more excuses 

[beguines]

Mindy Nettifee, from "How to Get Under My Skin", Rise of the Trust Fall

[valentina-poem]

[wetheurban]

WE THE URBAN

[mygardenoffantasies]

To the person reading this, I hope tonight treats you gently, and that tomorrow looks brighter

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

I’m here if you want to talk

I have recently decided that I fucking hate that phrase. I’m struggling. really struggling. and I’ve articulated that I’m struggling but saying “I’m here if you want to talk” and nothing else, is so hurtful. so dismissive. 

It puts the onus back onto the person who is struggling--who just worked up the fucking courage to admit that they’re having a hard time--to make the next move. I just want someone to respond, “okay, I can come over on this day, if that works and we can talk or not talk about it”--like how hard is that? to just make time for someone. not to just dismiss their pain and request a response over text. fuck it makes me so mad. It hurts. really fucking hurts

[wishingonshootingstarsx]

TW: Sexual assault

I was sexually assaulted a couple of weekends ago. By a member of my new volleyball team. A man that I thought was kind. A man that I thought was a friend. While another friend was in the room. And a third friend was sleeping in my bed. While the  Frog Prince played on the TV screen after a failed night out.

It has taken me this long to realize that sex should never be a negotiation. I was asleep. I was drunk. He kissed me. I did not kiss back. I was confused. I told him this was not a good idea. He did not listen. He put his hands under my shirt. I told him to stop. He said it was okay. I told him I was a trainwreck and he didn’t want to do this. He told me he was too. He didn’t mind. I did mind. 

He unbuckled my belt. the black one from amazon that I got because I loved it when my roommate bought it and I look up to her. And he put his hands in my underwear. I told him this wasn’t a good idea. He said “Is anything we’ve done tonight been a good idea?” I said no. He kept going. 

My body and the feeling of desperate loneliness betrayed me to an orgasm. I put my pants back on. I stood up. I went to the bathroom. I was still wavering drunk on my feet. I peed. I looked in the mirror and put my messy hair that I let Bryn curl earlier that night into a bun and splashed water onto my face and watched my make up melt.

I went to my room. Bryn was asleep on my bed. I pulled out pajamas and slid off my sweat-soaked jeans and new top that I had bought from target the night before. I woke up Ellie and asked her if she wanted pajamas. She said no and insisted on going home. I hoped he would leave with her but he did not call a uber. I told him I wanted to sleep. I sunk back into the couch and curled into a ball. 

He took Ellie’s absence as an invitation. he took off my bra. He started kissing my neck. 

I told him this wasn’t a good idea. He said “Is anything we’ve done tonight been a good idea?” I did not respond. for a moment I let myself give into how good it felt to be held. Thoughts about how I’ve had casual sex before with other men who weren’t half as nice. I thought about how good it felt to be desired. The more primal part of my drunken, hazy brain kissed back. I can handle kissing. this will just be awkward the next time we hang as a team, I thought.

But he kept sliding his hands down my stomach, to my underwear. I kept pushing his hands back. He kept sliding down down down. I told him it was not a good idea.  He said “Is anything we’ve done tonight been a good idea?” I did not respond. 

He told me I’d like it.

I got up and moved onto the other couch. I said I wanted to sleep. He said “if you move, I’ll just have to come over there.” He squeezed himself onto the second couch pressed against my curled up body. I said “no. I want to sleep.” I told him he hogged too much space. I moved back to the first couch to get space. He followed. 

I curled into a ball. making myself as small as possible. My eyes barely open in my exhaustion and intoxication. 

He started kissing my neck again from behind. He slid my shorts off. I told him no. He did not listen. “let me eat you out” he said. I told him no. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. He said “Is anything we’ve done tonight been a good idea?”

He stopped and went back to groping my breast. then he slid his body down mine and then to my legs. “come on” he said. 

And he put his mouth on me. I pushed his head but he either didn't care or took it as a sign of passion. My body betrayed me. I hate that it reacted when I didn’t want it to. I hate that I came. 

When he was done he put his penis in my face and asked for a blow job. I said no. He said please. I told him it was not a good idea.  He said, “Is anything we’ve done tonight been a good idea?”. I did not respond. I turned my head. “let’s 69″ “Does anyone actually do that?” I responded trying to find new ways to say no. 

Somewhere in there, he fell asleep. 

I know i did not want it. I know that I bled. I know that I woke up in his arms, feeling violated, even on my own couch. but my body responded. but we didn’t have sex. but i didn’t touch him. but I didn’t kiss back. 

I laid there at 6am and waited for the hours to pass. At 9, I suggested for the 5th time that he leave and he finally did. 

I tried to convince myself I wanted it after all. I tried to convince myself it was no big deal. I tried to convince myself that it was just a bad hook up. But his handprints are still on my thighs, my stomach, my throat. I did not want this. Sex should never be a negotiation. Sex should never be a thing that you have to convince someone else they want. Sex should never be something that you have to be persistent to get. This was not consensual.

I texted him the next night and told him that I couldn’t handle anything more than just friendship. I told him my family life was hectic at the moment and I wanted volleyball to be drama free. I asked him to keep it between us. 

He agreed to be friends. He said, “I’m sorry if I pushed you”. We haven’t talked about it since. 

I tried to convince myself it wasn’t a big deal. That I could see him once a week and play sports and act like nothing had happened. He could think it was a drunken mistake and I could know it wasn’t and we could both forget and no one else would have to know. But it has only been three weeks and time is rewriting my memories. I am writing it down because I don’t want to believe that someone else using my body against my will is not a big deal. I want to remember the sour smell of his alcohol soak breath felt like, hot on the back of my neck. I want to remember that I said no. I want to remember that he didn’t care. 

Sex is not a negotiation. I did not want this.

[catchymemes]

In the 1950s, one of the journalists criticized Marilyn Monroe saying that she’s only beautiful because of her fancy dresses/clothes. Then she did this photoshoot wearing a potato sack as a response.

[septsaph]

Straight savagery

[crimnatic]

[the-absolute-funniest-posts]

#SAID EVERY OTHER STUDENT #EVER

[i-hate-chick-fil-a]

America is the world’s largest terrorist state.

[i-hate-chick-fil-a]

Up to 200 children separated from their parents at the U.S.-Mexico border are being held in this tent city outside Tornillo, Texas:

[tiredsnail]

just in case anyone doesn’t already know what it looked like, this is the aerial view of auschwitz I:

feel free to compare that to the pictures above.

[thetourguidebarbie]

oh hey guys remember that time i and almost every other jewish person i know was like “trump is literally going to make concentration camps” and all the white christian people were like

“it’ll be fine”

“That’s what Checks and Balances™️ are for :))))”

“It can’t happen here this is AMERICA”

”We just need to survive the four years until Kamala Harris”

Like….not to be r u d e but 1) you were wrong and 2) there are mass protests on June 30th and if you actually care about this country your ass had better be there.

More info on locations here: https://act.moveon.org/event/families-belong-together/

[babyanimalgifs]

(via lazyboneskuehn)