a long rant because my mom is fucking insane
my mom overdosed on fucking laxatives and passed out and thankfully i was staying at their house last night because i found her on the floor going in and out of consciousness. she’s okay and in the hospital right now, but when i asked her why she took so many, she goes, “i just said why not?” this is the second time in a year that i’ve found her unconscious due to an overdose. i’m so tired of this shit. i’m tired of protecting her, too. she’s so careless with her life and doesn’t care about how it affects others. she’s a recovering addict and she used to drive in the car with me while high as a kid. she’d have me hand her the pills and i did because i didn’t know what they were since i was a fucking child. and then when i was in high school, she would give me ambien which i then got addicted to. she also gave me pain pills which also led to an addiction. i own that i kept taking drugs as an adult, but she set me up for addiction when i was in fucking high school. now that she’s sober, she thinks it’s something we can bond over, both of us being in recovery. and it’s like fuck you, you started this shit and didn’t care. none of my family gave a fuck when i was in active addiction. only my therapist who told me she couldn’t watch me die and then helped me go to rehab. my mom is a fucking narcissist. i’ve never told anyone any of this except for my therapist and psychiatrist. my mom has also threatened to kill herself and told me to kill myself. then when i was suicidal myself, she told me i was manipulating her and got mad at me because she had to leave a dinner with her friends to come home. and when i was a kid and was self injuring, i would tell her about my urges to hurt myself and she would say that she couldn’t stay up with me because she had work in the morning. god, it feels so good to say all of this to someone other than my therapist and psychiatrist. i’m not going to protect her anymore because she damn sure never protected me. i love her and i want her to fix her shit so badly, but i can’t keep being the one to pick her up. she needs to want it. she needs to start fighting for herself and do some serious repair work if she wants to have a chance at a decent relationship with me.
