Beato in the Underworld @witches4sale - Tumblr Blog

Western reisen

A message cast into the waves.

I'm a coward. A poor excuse of a person who masks their insecurities under the thin veil of open-mindedness and sympathy. I can never truly be a kind person if this is what I am capable of doing to those closest to me.

I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I was frustrated and I kept running around in circles, pondering on what I should've said rather than what I need to say and do. I even tried to distract myself from what was going on, but that made my mindset even more unstable the longer I did so. This was the one situation I've always wanted to avoid in life: to be stuck in a bad place and not know what to do. And so, instead of being rational and straight-forwarded, I opted for the worst option out of them all. My own ineptitude will never be an excuse.

To hurt someone so deeply and then convince myself afterwards that it was the right decision to make, it really is an extremely dastardly thing to do. I had always taken pride in the fact that I could be someone for people to approach for support. But after this? I don't want to refer to myself as that anymore. It's sickening.

I will never forgive myself for what I did and they should never forgive me either. I'd understand -- I wouldn't want to forgive someone who had promised so much and then plunged a knife deep into my heart for no apparent reason whatsoever.

The mere act of creating this post is cowardly too. Hell, to think I even have the right to speak of my own thoughts as if I was the victim here, it disgusts me. But unfortunately, the same thing that allows me to move relatively unscathed through life; also pushes me to do the unthinkable sometimes: being able to move on and start anew.

I've come to peace with how everything is now. I'm still doing what I do best. And it seems you're still doing what you do best as well. It pains me to remember the memories we shared together every once in a while, but I can't go back anymore. All I can pray for is that we can relive through these happy times again with new people as time moves on. We'll heal, sure, but we won't ever forget. And, still, even if decades pass by, I am certain we'll find ourselves reminiscing on how things were back then -- and the possibility of having shared that together. To live the rest of my life, knowing that I denied that future for you and myself, this will forever be my worst mistaken - my greatest sin with no atonement whatsoever. Saying goodbye was never my forte. But in the end, it seems saying nothing and disappearing into the night appears to be something I excel at.

I am sorry. I truly am. Farewell and may your future to kind to you. And that you may find peace in your own way.

From now on, I can only wish the best for you from afar.

Alone I stand, the wandering ranger.

Despite having so many friends on other social media & messaging platforms, I continue to use Tumblr as my primary method of documenting and communicating my own thoughts. Whether it be introspection or venting, there is a specific comfort that I feel whenever I publish my thoughts here, even though I am certain no one close to me would ever be able to see them. Maybe it's some warped perception of mine where it feels more comfortable being introspective with a stranger rather than a trusted friend? There are a lot of variables I can attribute to causing this feeling.

I think my greatest weakness in life is my tendency to disconnect from the people around me, which ironically, is an essential coping mechanism of mine. While many introverts, including myself, consider self-isolation to be their normal state, it can secretly tear you up from the inside without your knowledge. Getting complacent with being silent hurts both yourself and the people around you. Speak up. Say the things that you wanna say off your heart, regardless of how afraid you may be.

Whenever I fell sick as a child, I was always annoyed by the scolding that my parents gave me for 'not eating healthy enough' because I chalked it up to be such a lame excuse. ...Now that I am older, whenever my friends & family are ill, I consistently advise them to 'eat healthy.'

I was always a bystander. A mere individual who had no control nor power over what happened to the people around them. Even if I tried my hardest to step into someone else's lane, I could never muster up the courage to do so - even if I really felt the need to vent out my emotions. Consequently, I ended up isolating myself from the people who cared about me and I began to self-loathe. It was a suffocating period of my life, to say the least. As if my own negative thoughts manifested themselves into a bundle of iron chains tugged snugly around my neck - with each unsaid word from my bottled up thoughts printed on every bar of each chain. And sadly, to this day I still feel the soreness of that tightness like a perpetual sore throat. How freeing it must be - to scream your thoughts out without any regard as to who may hear it. It is the only thing I envy the loud for. But at the same time, I envy the mute too. It must be a convenient excuse not to speak all the time.

I think the best thing about being an artist is having the talent to turn dreams into a reality, especially if you are commissioned by friends, family, and to an extent, even mere strangers. Being able to produce a positive effect on someone through art is the greatest achievement I could ever be given.