I think I started this post something like seven times now. I’ve got so many thoughts, and twice as many feelings, and I am unable to choose how to proceed.
So…let’s just jump in and see what happens.
One month ago, I turned in my resignation at my job. Because I’m nice and I really don’t believe in burning bridges – and because my job is very deeply specialized – I wanted to give my employers enough time to find a suitable replacement, and then have me train him or her properly.
I gave them two months’ notice. Yeah, really.
In my resigning, I have focused only on the positives. I penned the most beautiful resignation letter I have ever seen – and please realize here that I’ve had over 20 years of HR experience, so I’ve seen a fair share of hellos and goodbyes. I would rather leave my position with smiles and love, instead of with anger and accusation.
It’s the old “attitude is everything” philosophy. I would much rather put out positive thoughts and feelings instead of sending out negativity. I really do believe that every thought you send out into the world can affect it.
I’m not saying you should wake up and stand in front of the mirror and say affirmations that you yourself don’t believe. Hell no. I hate being at lectures and having the lecturer howl at you to stand up and repeat whatever they want you to say. They don’t even have the decency to offer you a cracker after you’ve been such a fabulous parrot.
I’m saying that instead of dwelling on how horrible things are, how horrible you are feeling, how angry / sad / disappointed you are, change your outlook. Is it easy? Hah. Hell no. But you *can* do it.
Nnnno, no no, stop rolling your eyes at how meta I’m being and LISTEN to the universe. You want it said in another, less woovy way? How about this:
Are you happy with where you are now? You don’t need to be teary-eyed-sparkle-unicorn-I’M-SO-HAPPY-EVERY-SECOND-OF-EVERY-DAY, but on the whole, are you happy?
I wasn’t. Like….REALLY wasn’t. I’ve spent my entire grown-up life being a cog in someone else’s financial wheel, working away at jobs that, in the end, only help a boss pay for a new BMW, or a new boat, or some other reason that they don’t want to take care of the employee and shouldn’t I be grateful that I even *have* a job in this economy. I’m lucky enough that this job I’m leaving isn’t so in-your-face greedy like that, but even then, after 8 hours a day, I’m still left feeling like I haven’t done a single thing beyond pay my bills.
Here’s a lesson for any and everyone: Stress Kills. I’m not just talking heart attacks. It drops your immune system. You get sicker and sicker and eventually you’re just left a shivering mass of “Oh God Help Me I’m Dying Inside.”
I’ve been feeling more and more discontent, more removed from who and what I really am, over the past year. And there’s been stress, of course. Lots of it. And guess how that’s been manifesting:
In one year, I have developed and am still suffering from:
- Reoccurance of cervical polyp that can’t be removed without specialist intervention.
- Heart murmurs
- Premature Ventricular Contractions (first, imagine your heart stopping, and then randomly pounding like you just finished running a 10-mile race at full speed, no breaks. Now imagine that suddenly happen with no warning, at any given time)
- High blood pressure (when previously it trended low)
- Migraines
- Panic attacks with loss of vision and heartbeat throbbing in ears
- Anemia
- Tendonitis in both arms flared back up.
- Constant back pain despite weekly attention from my chiropractor
- Worsening of arthritis in the neck
- Horrible Depression
All this in one year. My unhappiness went straight to my body, and I am now trying to fix it.
So. I am reconnecting with myself. I am removing myself from the situations that leave me feeling like I’m dying on the inside. I am fixing my life. How?
I read a very great article by a writer by the name of Mark Manson. It’s called “Screw Finding Your Passion.” It’s a short read – WAY shorter than this post – and I deeply encourage you to read it. (Link will be below.) It reminds you that when you were young, you weren’t thinking about the fiscal responsibility of playing cops and robbers. You weren’t thinking about how you’ll ever afford a two-story home if you play hopscotch. You just did it, unapologetically, and if it made you happy, you did it more. And if you didn’t like it, you stopped.
He also reminds you that you don’t need to FIND your passion. You know what it is already. And that’s where my entire “listen to the universe” and “reconnect with yourself” advice comes from.
Because I’m an amazing biller. I’m the most detailed, most honest, most loyal employee you’ll ever get. If you take the chance on me, I will leave a legend in my wake, and you will never, ever find another employee who can do what I do, and with as much heart.
But when I go home, exhausted and dying on the inside because insurance companies are so fucking crooked and I have to steele myself for another round of it tomorrow, something has to change. And real magic doesn’t happen until later that night. Because later that night, I pick up pens. Or paints. Or clay. Or start typing on the keyboard.
I tell stories. I make art. And when I do, I find myself in that magical, wonderful space of losing track of time. Of continuing to draw until my eyes are crossed and I have to stop because I’m not 100% sure of where my pen is going to land. And even then, when I stumble my way to bed, I’m still sliding under the covers feeling like *this* is where I need to be.
Lesson Two: You are not supposed to just pay your bills and then die.
Everything we do is a choice. I am so, so lucky to have a hubby who is so very supportive of me. I’m lucky that he found an amazing job that pays him well enough that I can move forward with this.
And I’ll be moving forward with all of it. Writing, editing, copywriting, blogging. Resume and interview preparation to help other people find their happiness (which I’ll address in a future post). Hand-made jewelry, sculptures, quilling, beadwork. Story development and miniature painting.
And there’s more. I’m dedicating time to really teaching myself to make games. I’m going to tell great stories. And yeah, that means I’m going to have to swim in the shark-filled lakes of an industry where women are mocked and/or threatened unless they’re showing cleavage, on some guy’s arm, or actively embracing age-old stereotypes. But you know what? It’s 2015.
Once upon a time, Joey and I packed up all of our things and moved away from home, despite having no apartment lined up, no job prospects despite months and months of searching…we had nothing except the faith that we would be all right, and that this was what would make us happy.
And now I’ll make it again.
There’s a quote painted on one of the walls at my workplace: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
I used to agree; I don’t anymore. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a leap. This is mine.
For 2016, here is my wish for all of you:
1) I wish you happiness, and ask that you share it with someone else. You can make SUCH a difference in a person’s life by taking one moment to make someone else smile.
2) I wish you the power to fix your life if you are unhappy. Reconnect with yourself. Go on a nature walk. Play with your old toys. Seek company. Seek help.
3) I wish you challenges, both to keep you on your toes and to remind you that you can do whatever you put your mind to.
4) I wish you laughter. Have fun. Be amazing.
ellievsbear
theartofmadeline
annaxmalina
gummygunk
izzy806
germansingergirl
janainaart
vaporwave
origamiaround
