to put into perspective how this illness truly never goes away, i wear a size small/xs, it's nice. i got there the first time, i used to wear medium and large. i didn't really care about my appearance just the number on the scale but it's nice that i did get smaller. i never wanted the really bony legs, or the really bony arms, i didn't care much if my thighs touched, just that i was considered underweight.
fast forward two years, i was kinda in recovery because i got a bf and he loved the way i look and he told me all of the time, and he did what bf's do to show love and he started buying me food. it was great, i love food, it's the most romantic thing to ever happen and i wasn't worried about gaining weight because i was still going to actual school and had to walk everywhere all of the time. sometimes i would want to go back to my ways but it never really stuck.
now fast forward to quarantine, for a month i didn't see my bf and i lost a bit of weight because he wasn't there to buy me food (and my mother stopped actually making us food in intermediate school) it was neat i liked it, but after quarantine i gained it back, and as quarantine kept going, and i stopped being as active and just kept eating i gained a few more pounds, not a lot, just a few, i started realizing it and it started making me uncomfy, i would see my old nudes and realise i was tinier then, my legs were mostly muscle not fat, my tummy was still flat because i didn't really bloat, and my fingers were thinner.
it's now just days before graduation and my eating disorder is back, but it's different, i'm looking at thinspo and i actually feel envy for the people whose thighs dont touch, for people whose ribs show, for people's hands that look like they belong on a skeleton, i want that now. i haven't weighed myself in like months, and i dont think i will, because now i don't care if i am a healthy weight or underweight, i want to look like a skeleton.
so to the people who think this will go away when you reach your goal, when you get to the size you want, when you start receiving all of those compliments and surprised reactions:
It NEVER goes away, not without professional help and determination to get actually better, and even then you always have those thoughts in your mind. It only ever gets worse.
discoholicmusic
dailybridgerton
prguitarman
origamiaround
blakekathryn
izzy806
titsay
