im not real

is anybody out there? submissions welcome

[withdrawnsuggestion]

i want you to be the one to end it. i can’t do it. i just can’t.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

you have two choices: accept this is what it’s going to be, or move on.

im leaning towards moving on.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

it’s not going to last

[withdrawnsuggestion]

don’t EVER shush me again

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I pray that I don't make a mistake with you, love. Stay with me. Please. I've already lost so much....

[withdrawnsuggestion]

you never really loved me. i was just another girl to you that you didn't want anything real with. you tricked me into thinking i loved you and i will always hate you for that

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I missed key milestones in my social and emotional development due to mental illness so this is just what I’m like now either accept it or leave

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I cook a full meal for myself, because that’s what the self-care blogs tell me to do. When I’m finished, I realize I’m not hungry. I eat it anyway, in front of a TV show I don’t care about, trying to ignore that I didn’t make it right. It sits like a rock.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I want blinding happiness, I want intense joy, I want strong feeling and euphoria and to have one day without worrying. But everything is mediocre. Everything is anxiety. Everything is exhausting. So I’ll sleep, I’ll work, I’ll eat food that’s bad for me. Ill fight the urge to get drunk just to feel something. I’ll refresh the same three apps on my phone until my eyes start to hurt and I run out of brainless content to consume. I’ll sleep. I’ll sleep. I’ll sleep.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

i'm so, so tired of being afraid of you. i really feel like im on the outside looking in

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I feel like one day, I'm gonna wake up, and everyone will have just given up on me. I wouldn't even blame them. I feel like a lost cause. I wanna give up on me, too.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

It's okay. You're save now.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I’ve planned meeting you again down to my makeup and outfit, to what I say when I first see you, to the way I listen to what you have to say to me, to how you finally forgive me.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

im above you. i always was so know your place.

[withdrawnsuggestion]

I notice…

[withdrawnsuggestion]

i know im a freak. haven't i been punished for it enough?

[withdrawnsuggestion]

please, please be gentle and good to me. i don’t know if i can take this anymore.