We Need Food Badly

One Man of Action talking about food. Although he really shouldn't.

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Back from the Dead, WITH BACON AND BURGERS

Me and the Twin did some grilling today, of the Burger variety. THERE WAS:

HAVARTI STUFFED BURGERS : Gooey cheesey mouth sex.

BACON WRAPPED BURGERS: Greasy delights that leave you violated like that time you drunk in Jersey.

MAPLE COVERED BACON INFUSED BURGERS: Like Lumberjacks taking your tongue on a date. Then raping it.

THERE ARE NO PHOTOS AS WE AND THE FEW BROS THAT WERE OVER, ATE THAT SHIT UP.

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I like to call them a "Midnight Devil's Threesome"

Oreos. Are. Fucking. Delicious.

Now most chain food companies tend to make products that are so mediocre that no one questions them and just accepts their shittyblandiness (that's the scientific term) as what the masses enjoy.

Like an Orwellian Snack Food Novel.

Then come the knock offs, those little fuck smears, that try to be the already shitty and evil snacks on the market, but only act as shittier and eviler clones of the bastards.

But not Oreo.

Oreo stands apart from the knock-offs and competition by one key importance:

The cookies aren't too sweet. That's right, Oreo has bittersweet cookies. All those wannabe copycat motherfucking knock-offs are just too damn sweet. But not Oreo, Oreo has the balls to say, "Fuck that stupid sweet shit, I, like Conan the Goddamn Barbarian, will not apologize for being a hard as fuck warrior but deep down have some sense of sweetness."

And that's why Oreos are fucking awesome.

-AJW

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Cause Chewing was too much Work.

For those without a television Denny's (or as I used to call it 'Redneck Shari's') is throwing something called Baconalia. Where they are serve seven Bacon related items for a limited time only, (though the chances are you will be able to order them after this Baconfest as secret items), one that caught my eye was the 'Bacon Maple Sundae'. 

This was an amusing concept, a sweet dessert enhanced with God's Salty Meat Candy. So I order this paradox of flavor, with one request, That they Blended the motherfucker into a Milkshake. I created a monster, I was Victor Frankenstein they the Denny's kitchen was my lab and lightning. Now normally I would post a picture of this evil creature, but I ate it too fast. It was good.

I created a Savory Milkshake. I walk a dangerous path. Fear me.

-AJW

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Like Quantum Physics in your mouth

The result of a Mongolian grill realizing that it should stop wasting its talents and finally deciding to create the all-American bastard food baby known as the Burger is Go Go Burgers and Fries (Hillsboro, OR). You are greeted at Go Go's by a gleeful cow statue that appears to be enjoying watching you eat the only family it will only know (one can only assume that this cow angered some extremely wrathful Cow Deity to have such a curse).

We got an order of Two Go Go Aloha Burgers: Double Patty, Swiss, Pineapple, and, Go Go Sauce, (The wedgie and swirly giving older brother to Mc D's 'secret sauce'); a Go Go Bacon Cheeseburger: Two patties, Go Go sauce, and, I'm not going to repeat myself, with sides of Tater Tots and Sweet Potato Fries.

After cooking these tasty sonsabitches, they slap them down on our table looking like this:

Naked and Plain just like my Prom Night.

Then it is out to you to dress the burgers up like an expensive call girl. I cover my Double Bacon with A-1, Rooster Sauce, and, enough onions to make Stephen Segal cry bitch baby seal tears.

As far as the final taste, well remember how I said this place was formerly a Mongolian grill, well somehow in Mongolia they teach their chefs the way to grill and form ground beef into what I can only describe as the spawn of the god of Beef and the god of Shit you want to put into your mouth.

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I love Sandwich Profanity

Sometimes food is nice, friendly, even in the form of a small bunny tickling your taste buds. Other times it is vile, rude, and, in the form of a Mintotaur Hate fucking the inside of your mouth, which is what you want.

PDX's Big Ass Sandwiches is the bastard making father of the latter. These hunger sodomizing sandwiches are the product of as simple ideal: That putting your french fries into your sandwiches is a god damned delicious idea and by Jupiter's cock they were right.