This blog is now an archive

Ben "Wolf" White of Task Force 141 This is a selective independent Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 role play account. Please read the rules and bio. This blog may contain offensive material, including but not limited to: sexual content, blood, gore, violence, and abuse. Mun & Muse Are of Age (21+) Time zone: MST Tracking: #wolfofthe141 THIS BLOG IS NOW AN ARCHIVE

[wolfofthe141-archive]

This blog is now an archive

[wolfofthe141-archive]

Archiving and Goodbye

As some of you may have guessed by the thread that has been going on with eilidhink, I am quitting role playing and archiving. I should have probably done this sooner, but I was having trouble letting go, still kinda am tbh. But I don’t really have any interest in role playing any more and I have realized that being on tumblr in general has not been good for my mental health the last few months.

Besides that, I have re-found my faith. I was a Christian, but for the last 3-4 years I had walked away. In the last few weeks God has gotten my attention in a way I just can’t ignore. And I realized that some of the things I had been RPing were taking me down a dark path, one that I don’t really want to go down. So while my interest in RPing has waned, it’s also something He’s asked me to give up in order to deepen my relationship with Him. It hurts and I’m going to miss it, but I love Him too much not to do this.

This has been difficult for me, I’ve spent several hours last night and today crying, grieving. Ben is a part of me and it isn’t just that he’s fading or leaving, it’s that he’s dying. Sometimes God calls His followers to put to death a part of themselves in order to be closer to Him. He’s called me to sacrifice Ben, to put him on the alter, to put that part of me on the alter. It hurts and I’m grieving, but through it all I have a peace that passes understanding and I know without a doubt God wants me to do this and that He is with me. Ben has served his purpose and it’s time for me to let go and move into what God has called me to do. Maybe some of you think that’s a little crazy, that I’m a little crazy, but I felt like I needed to say it.

It has been fun and I am so, so glad I got to meet all of you. I will periodically check messages on my main blog, sammyswolf, so you can get ahold of me there and I’m on Skype most days for those of you who have it (even when it says I’m offline I am usually still on).

I love you all and I will miss you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourselves. Goodbye.

[wordsnquotes]

and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself get a better mirror look a little closer stare a little longer because there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit you built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself you signed it: ‘they were wrong’

Shane Koyczan, “To This Day” (via wordsnquotes)

[wolfofthe141-archive]

I have been thinking a lot about Elise the last few days. When I created her and Dawn I didn’t have any kind of faith in mind for them. All I really knew was that they weren’t atheists like Ben claimed to be. Then Jaci started writing for them and she wrote letters to Ben from them she’d mention God and Heaven. I was surprised at first, but it felt right.

Now after thinking about it more, I am sure Elise was a Christian. Her joy and gentleness and kindness just points to that. And it feels right. I bet Ben made fun of her for it when they first met. But that’s also another reason he was drawn to her. I think once they were married, and especially once Dawn was born, that he went to church with them sometimes.

As I started thinking about this, it also makes sense that when I first started RPing him, he was so very against God. He hated Him and said that He was a fairy tale. It makes sense that if Elise was a Christian, that anything to do with God would at that time have been a trigger for Ben.

I think when Ben goes home that he’ll get out the stuff of Elise and Dawn’s that he and her family saved, that he’ll get out Elise’s Bible and start reading. And maybe... maybe he’ll trust in Jesus and find the hope he’s looking for.

I hope so.

[eilidhink]

Goodbye

[eilidhink]

Eilidh remembered their first real conversation like it had been yesterday. Ben had been a fuckin’ mess, drunk and scared and telling her she shouldn’t be around him, because he’d just hurt her. He was a monster. She smiled, leaning up to kiss his forehead softly before settling against him to sleep. He wasn’t a monster anymore than she was. Fuck, if her life had gone just a little differently, she may have ended up just like him. 

She pressed against him as thoroughly as she could, her head on his shoulder, one arm wrapped securely around him. She threw her leg over his for good measure. She wanted to touch him as much as possible, as though that way she could give him some warmth and affection to take with him, to keep him going while he found his feet again.

Eilidh’s last thought as she drifted off was that she’d been right about him–Ben had never hurt her, not once. Not until he tried to leave without saying goodbye, anyway, and she hadn’t let him get away with that, so it didn’t count. Eilidh liked being right, and she hoped she was right this time, too. That Ben was going to be okay. 

[wolfofthe141-archive]

When Ben woke to the alarm on his phone going off, he didn’t want to pull away from Eilidh, but he knew he had to. He lay there for a long moment, memorizing the feel of her against him, the feel of the crappy bed, the smell of the room. This would be the last time he would ever be there. He didn’t want to forget it, didn’t want to forget what he learned while being there.

Finally he gently and carefully pulled away from Eilidh, watching as she shifted in her sleep to get comfortable without him there. He leaned down and pressed a long kiss to her forehead. He would never forget her.

Sam was awake as well. They got dressed, got Sunny in her carrier, and then Sam helped him carry the last of his bags out to the runway. Kaitlin was already there, as he knew she would be, and she gave him a tight hug. She told him he better take care of himself and when she started crying Ben couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He was going to miss them all, but he felt this was right and as much as it saddened him, he had a strange peace about it.

He gave Sam a long hug as well and told them both that they had better come down and visit when they got some leave. With that he grabbed his bags and Sunny and headed into the chopper that would take him to airport where he would start his long journey home. He waved, tears in his eyes, as they took off, sadness and heaviness in his heart, but also a strange peace.

It was the end of one life and the beginning of another.

[mapetitpoupee-archive]

There are two wolves that are always fighting. One is darkness and despair, the other is light and hope. Which one wins? …The one you feed.

Casey Newton; Tomorrowland (via mapetitpoupee)

[eilidhink]

“Good. This might be awkward if you weren’t.” She grinned, but her voice was quiet. She wanted to give him more, help him more, if she could, but there wasn’t time. Just tonight. So she went on petting his hair and smiling at him, because she didn’t want to say goodbye. “Go on, go to sleep. I’ll be here.”

[wolfofthe141-archive]

Ben snorted softly at her comment. He was going to miss Eilidh. A lot. He hoped he’d get to come and visit her in the future. “’Kay.” He sighed deeply, settling more into the bed. “Thanks, Eilidh.” After a moment the darkness of sleep took him under, slow and peaceful.

[samwinchesterappreciation]

[wolfofthe141-archive]

submitted by becauseyouremybigbrother:

Sam carefully unhooked the collar around the man’s neck and laid it flat in his palm, looking down at it as he took a deep breath. It was the first show of emotion he had shown since the announcement. “You remember what I taught you, Ben,” he whispered, using the man’s real name as he looked up, running his hand through the man’s hair. “You’re your own person—don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. You’re not a pet.”

He leaned forward and pressed their lips together, slowly, gently before he pulled back and cleared his throat, looking down so the man didn’t see the way the hazel started to swim. “This will always be here if you change your mind–I’ll keep your room yours in case—” His words cut off and he looked up to attempt a teasing smile. 

“Go on, get out of here before I change my mind,” he smirked though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

(He decided he needed to say something. Didn’t know he felt so strongly about it until this morning)

Wolf held still as the collar was removed and he listened to Sam carefully. Hearing his real name... it felt like it cracked something in him, broke chains and bonds in his heart and mind. For the first time since he’d been trained, it felt right, like it was actually his name. That he was Ben. He leaned into the touch in his hair and nodded. It was going to be hard not to think of himself that way anymore, but he would try. He would be his own person again. For Sam. And for himself.

He closed his eyes, memorizing the feel of Sam’s lips on his. He hadn’t cried in a very long time, but now he felt the foreign feeling of his eyes stinging with unshed tears. “Thank you,” he whispered, eternally grateful that Sam would keep a place for him. It felt so good to know that someone cared enough, that Sam cared enough, to keep a place for him to come back to should this fail or should he need it.

He nodded curtly at Sam’s order, afraid to speak for fear that those tears would actually fall. He turned and made his way to the portal that would take him back to earth. He glanced back over his shoulder at Sam, love and pain in his eyes, but also gratitude and determination, and then stepped through and into a new life.

[txmblraf]

[ardenchosource]

It is what it is… Life goes on. Photo by: @mellylee_

[theanonsisters]

[samsass-deactivated20170527]

#he’s like this BECAUSE he saved the world you dick #don’t you get it #this is the reality of heroes #it’s not a ride off into the fucking sunset on a white horse with the girl on your arm #it’s giving everything #EVERYTHING #and being broken and dying in a psych ward #while the world goes on around you #completely oblivious#because you never even tried to get credit #you never tried to be thanked or even ACKNOWLEDGED #because being a hero doesn’t mean being applauded #it means saving the world and knowing you WON’T be applauded #knowing you’re giving everything #while gaining nothing #and doing it anyway #and that folks is why i fucking love sam winchester

[eilidhink]

“I’d never,” Eilidh promised. She reached up to brush his hair back, running her fingers through it soothingly. He should sleep–he had to be awake in a few hours, and a day on a fuckin’ plane after all these goodbyes and shite wouldn’t be easy. “I’m quite fond of you, in case you hadnae noticed. I’d much rather not accidentally put a spear through you.”

[wolfofthe141-archive]

Ben’s eyes fell closed when she ran her fingers through his hair. He leaned into the touch, almost pressing into it like a dog would when wanting more petting. “I had noticed,” he murmured. “’M fond of you too.” He was already starting to slip into sleep with her gentle touch.

[yaelstiel]

S8 glory for JD (8x06)

[eilidhink]

Anonymous said:

Do you think Ben’s gonna be okay going home?

“I hope so. I think… alright, here’s the thing about Ben. He was fightin’ to cope with the shite that happened to his family. He wanted to do it for them. It wasnae good for him, though, and I hope–I hope with everything I’ve got–that he doesnae feel like he’s lettin’ them down now. I think they’d be glad he’s walkin’ away from it while he still has the chance. If he knows that, he’ll be alright.”

[eilidhink]

Her earlier fear and anger had left Eilidh worn out, and she let herself be pulled into a more comfortable position against Ben’s side. She adjusted herself so she could look up at his face, though, partly because she wanted to see how he was feeling and partly because she wasn’t sure how long it would be until she saw him again. “Are you really goin’ to put a spear in my hand and turn me loose? That sounds like a terrible idea,” she warned with a smile. “I’m in.”

[wolfofthe141-archive]

Ben turned his head to look at her and returned her smile, albeit a little tiredly, his eyes already half closed. He didn’t really want to fall asleep yet, but it had been a long day. “As long as you don’t spear me, I think we’ll be fine.” He gave her another squeeze, holding her close.

[mylittlecornerfandomium]

The Winchester Brothers: Sam